No it's not fair not to tell...it's not for for this woman not to know that her H is a WH...It's not fair to assume that this man isn't doing the same thing again and again...an literally putting his wife's life at risk...so tell, tell, and tell it all...tell it to anyone who may have an interest or deserves to know. This is not a secret worthy of of your confidence...
Coach

COACH, you're the first person to say don't tell...Is there more to lose be telling, tahn to gained?

You mis-read that. Coach said its not fair to NOT TELL.
Double negative -- which means TELL HER.

Coach would never tell you NOT to tell because there is nothing to be gained, and everything to LOSE from NOT telling. Not telling is the worst thing possible you can do. Not only is it immoral to not warn this woman, but helping your W hide her dirty secret from her victim only INCREASES the risk that the affair will resume.

I agree she needs to know, but I need to get it to happen without further complicating and hurting my marriage. My WS is very committed to our marriage but has made it perfectly clear that if I told the other FS, she would leave. That’s why I need to get her to agree to a marriage plan one that include counseling and provide an objective view and not rip our marriage apart in the process.

HLRomantic, telling the OMW will not hurt your marriage, it will hurt the affair. Please understand the difference here. Telling the OMW will HELP your marriage, it will hurt the affair. Your marriage will be further harmed if you DON'T tell the OMW, because the risk of a resumption of the affair will be greater.

Your W should NOT be told in advance of this call or it will ruin the effort and the OMW is unlikely to ever get the story.

She won't "leave" if you tell the OMW, she will be mad. Your marriage can easily survive some short term anger, it can't survive a probable resumption of the affair.

Besides, HLR, you have a moral obligation to warn this woman what is going on behind her back so she can protect herself and her children from her H and your W.

HL,

Your WW said there had been no physical contact for 3 months. How about emotional contact?? Phone, emails? They work for the same company, so they can probably email each other all day long at work. Have you checked her cell phone?

When she threatens to leave you if you tell smells deeply of continued contact.

AANNND if there is continued contact..then the A is still ongoing..they are planning their next trist. So expose!! or hang up the phone.

EVERYONE TELLS YOU TO EXPOSE!! So don't if you know better. Why did you ask the question?

k

the information in the post was very helpful to me in knowing if i should tell-she and my husband say he already knows but are sure worried that I will contact him so i doubt it! i am now trying to find out how to contact the woman's husband. They may still be living with her mother who has told me if i call or come to the house she will call the police so i can't go there to try to see him. (it's over an hour away so I don't know anyone there)

I also don't know his first name. I've done a people search and searched just the address but he's not listed anywhere.

Someone had a great suggestion to have a friend call and ask for him.

if all else fails, I guess i could get a private dective to get me the information but i bet that would be very expensive!

thanks for sharing all of your thoughts.

By stating that my WS worked with the OM, it might seem like they still do, but the answer is they don’t he moved to another state and only travels her on business once a month. Funny thing is before they moved last fall he took us out to dinner and told me what a wonderful wife I have. He raised a lot of suspicion so I told my wife last fall that he didn’t look at her as a collogue; She said he is very knowledgeable and influential in the industry; he is a great person to network with. But if you think I should never see him again let me know and I won’t. I told her I very much understand the importance of network contacts and let her meet him when he traveled to our state. Sometimes I would go, but she always told me when they where meeting. I SHOULD HAVE TRUSTED MY GUT! For all of you out there that get a sense of feeling that something is wrong it most likely is.

If I send a letter, we'll see fireworks happen?

HL,

GOOD FOR YOU!! Keep us informed.

k

Fireworks can be pretty. Kick back and watch.

Practice reverse babble and remain above it.