Here I am back, four years after going through the whole ordeal of my husband's A and (I thought) recovery.
Since then, I've worked very hard to meet his needs,
cut out the LB's I knew I was doing, and build a
better marriage, but apparently to no avail.
To give you some background, we've been together 10
years, married for 7, with no children. ( I want one,
he doesn't).
My husband was diagnosed before I knew him with having
depression, although I did not know this until about
5 years ago, when he was diagnosed by our family Dr
and began taking anti-depressants. He has been on and
off numerous medications since- both AD's and meds
for Adult ADD, none of which were too helpful.
He has also been in IC two times, but the first Dr tried
to make it marriage counseling, rather than therapy for
his issues, and the second wanted to analyze everything
since his birth, which was taking too long, too much
time per week, and too expensive to continue.
Due to some of his behaviors, I have recently begun to
think he may actually be Bi-Polar, and possibly also
have sexual addiction, but don't know this for sure.
Earlier this year, I began to feel like something was
a bit "off" but wasn't exactly sure what.
I thought it seemed like we had lost some of our closeness and maybe were in a "rut" as far as our activities and
routines, so tried to think of some different things to
do. (not met with great enthusiasm) He also was not
at all interested in SF. (This is an area which has
always had problems- he's got low libido, further
decreased by the medicines he's taken).
He seemed to be working longer hours than necessary,which
made me wonder if he had something going on with someone,
however he was always at the office any time I'd call
(he has his own business, so works alone)and was at home
with me most of the rest of the time. After awhile, I
decided that he was likely either looking at porn, or
had gotten into some kind of chat rooms or something where
he was corresponding with people. I repeatedly asked, and
he always denied this, but eventually I saw some billings
for services like this on his credit card. I bugged him about it until he cancelled some of them, but never could know for sure if they were all cancelled, since some of
his billings go directly to his office and on his business credit card.
In Feb we were both very sick with the flu, and for awhile
afterwards, he seemed to be more attentive to me, more
helpful around the house, and more affectionate.
I hoped that he had gotten tired of whatever he was doing.
In May, I had surgery, and again, he was more attentive and
things went better. Still, he refused to have sex, saying
he was "not in the mood".
More recently, he has begun to go out more, and has been
drinking, something he does not do very often.
There have been several ocassions where he says he is
getting ready to come home, but then disappears for
hours and is down at the local "stripper" bar.
Last weekend, he drove home when he was in no condition
to be driving. A guy he did not know followed him home
and called the police because he saw him weaving on the
road. We live close to the bar, so it didn't take long
for him to get home and in the house, but a little while
later, the police drove down our street, which was very
scary and creepy to me ! We talked about it later on
the weekend and he agreed he had used poor judgement
and said "he wouldn't be going to the bar anymore".
He also said he thought he ought to try to get back
into therapy, so I called this week to get insurance
approval and a list of therapists, which I've given
to him to arrange.
After so much strange behavior, I did some snooping
on the weekend and found that he had several hundred
dollars cash in his briefcase, a receipt for a hotel,
and a receipt for over $400 he spent at the bar.
He also has had over 100 text messages on his cell
phone this month (normally has had 8-9) and repeated
calls to the same number.
I called it and it is a female.
I tried to track it with "reverse number search" but
couldn't get any information, as it is a cell phone.
Then I saw his credit card bill- and found he had
three charges listed for the restaurant at a very nice
local resort. (one for $41, one for $500, one for $54).
I can see $41 and $54 for a nice lunch or dinner, but
$500 ?????
Of course, since this discovery, I am feeling sick,
hurt, furious, and my mind is spinning.
The fact that he has ended the evening at the bar,
alone and drinking,with cash money and hotel receipt
has me wondering if he has been with escorts/
prostitutes and then felt awful and tried to drown his guilt/disgust with the drinking ?
But surely he wouldn't be constantly calling and
text messaging a hooker, so I wonder if he's also
got something going with someone from the websites ?
It has been hard to keep my mouth shut since this
discovery, but didn't want to let him know about
my snooping, and know I wouldn't get any information
even if I confronted or asked questions.
I am at a loss for what to do- and just absolutely
physically and mentally exhausted from it all.
Should I hope that he does get started in therapy
and can get some control back over himself and his
behavior ? Try to do Plan A ? Give up ?
Any suggestions, prayers, and hugs <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> appreciated.
Anne
