Hello Friends - this may be a bit long, but it was a long weekend and week. Briefly, married 18 yrs. (together 20), one daughter (16), OW is H's secretary (who recently filed for divorce also). OW always tried to remain friends with me via emails, etc. H & I filed for divorce on 6/2/05 (6-mo. mandatory waiting period).
H moved out approximately 4 mos. ago. Same normal excuses of love you, but not in love, there was no OW (but actually was), needed to find himself. Shortly after he moved out, him and OW began affair because he was so lonely. I was still in love with my H and was desperately trying to win him back. H is also an alcoholic (which in itself is enough of a problem to deal with). H never wanted to go to counseling or try to work through any of our problems.
After he started getting lonely, he basically has been living at OW's home (not far from my home). In order to win H back, I began telling him I was lonely and since he was the only man I have ever been with, I placed a booty call with no strings attached. This occurred last Tuesday and it was my way of seeing exactly if there were any feelings left whatsoever. There was - we spent about 2 hrs. together, talking, laughing (sort of like the old days) and the sex was amazing. It was not just sex - he kissed me passionately, looked into my eyes and everything I knew was still there. Afterwards, he told me "I always liked having sex with you, and yes, we can do this again." I guess he thought that is what I was going to be doing - calling him whenever I felt lonely or wanted a booty call.
At that point, I knew if I wanted him back, I had to completely detach, because I was not going to let him have it both ways - with me being the one left on the outside.
Well, my daughter went stay with her dad and OW for a couple of nights at the beginning of this week. When he and OW arrived to pick up D, I had them both come into my home so that we (including D) could talk openly because I did not want her to feel like she had to go to OW's home and I wanted her to be able to express her feelings. The talk went well. OW does care for my D and even takes up for her when H over-steps his boundaries.
Next morning, D called me and said "last night dad got so drunk and wasted, embarrassed me as usual and I ended up spending the night at a friend's house in the same neighborhood." Then to top it off, H bought D a new cell phone ($250) to buy back her love.
Of course, I was angry and called OW (when I knew H was bringing D to counseling appt. and out of office) and we talked. OW also told me how embarrassing H was and she had never seen this side of him. Well, we ended up talking forever about how I was always the one trying to mend the relationship between H and D, how I was always the one blamed for his behavior and faults, etc. OW is basically getting out of the same sort of relationship, but her H was not aggressive and embarrassing whenever he would drink. Now OW is scared this is going to be a problem. I told her I honestly think one day he will hit bottom and that is what he needs in order to get the help he needs. His family has a lot of alcohol abuse in it and they all feel the same way I do.
As we kept talking, I found out she let it slip to H in a conversation later that the two of us had been talking. Of course, he told her he did not want us talking. I asked OW why did she think this was - she said probably so we would not compare notes. Well, I then asked her if she really wanted to hear the truth. She said she did, so I told her about the booty call. She was furious and does believe me because she knows she was not with him on Tuesday night. She called H and told him to go to her house and get all of his [censored]. He then called me and told me I had a black heart, I'm ruthless, as deceitful as they come and that I would not be hearing the last of this. OW has since called me back apologizing for telling him everything, but she was so angry. I told her I understood and that honestly, I had no chance one way or the other with my H because he was not giving me that opportunity, so now I at least have the knowledge of knowing that maybe if he did love this OW - he is now feeling some of the pain I felt after 18 yrs. Evidently, I am the only one who believed in the love and marriage we had, and now he is suffering.
I do hope OW is strong enough to let him go too, because she also has 3 younger children to deal with. He will probably quit drinking for a little bit, but it never lasts because he never gets professional help. Then, she also gets to deal with "once a cheater, always a cheater" on both of their ends, and even work with him every day too. Just wanted to share my story and I hope it can help anyone out there going through tough times. I think I'm ready to move on and live my life now. I may be lonely now - but I will survive and maybe end up meeting someone else along the way.
