I just wanted to share, although I didn't post about this a lot, that things are going well. I exposed on 7/3 wh found out of 7/4, it was apparently an EA that didn't make it far. He stopped contact before I exposed, but was still acting weird kinda what I would expect for having to give up something nice for the same old story here at home.

anyway, the weekend of 7/8 I took him on a trip just he and I and I was able to talk and share about all types of things and he did not put up walls, he listened. I was so thankful for that. but on saturday, I resorted to the old inner sulky-victim feelings and ended up snooping through the glovebox of his truck, and he caught me snooping. which he became very angry. He called off the trip and we went home. when we got home, he left. and it happened quickly so I didn't beg or cry, then he text messaged me and was egging me on saying things like 'happy' bet u r mad, of which I didn't answer anything that was like that. (it irked him) I figured if I answered yes or no, either way it was akin to throwing gas on a fire. He msged. should i come home, I answered if u want. he msged 'i am really mad now' I answered 'i am sorry to hear that' finally I told him if he wanted to talk fine, but i would not argue.

he ended up coming back home at 2:15 am, and wanted to talk ( more like vent) of course I took responsibility for what I could, but I can't take rsponsiblity for his reaction.

to make a long story short, on sunday afternoon he seemed to calm down and relax. and it was a very pleasant afternoon into the night. His body language was very open and relaxed and he was more like his old self from months ago. On monday it was nice, and i was so suprised by this change I had to ask him 'it doesn't seem like you are as angry, what is up?' He said he can't live in the past, he can't change what has happened (he had a lot to be angry about, of which I take responsiblity...plus several of his needs went unmet for a long time, plus it triggered icky feelings of when his mother snooped)

Since then, it has been so much better, however I feel like we are now in neutral waiting for the next step. It certainly is very fragile. I have a hard time expressing what I need to say without guilting or accusing, or feeling hurt. Like if I miss him, I will communicate in a way that makes him responsible for my feelings. that is so tough for me.

I think I'm sad because I see all the damage done and all the work yet to do. I am also glad that I started doing the work to make myself better and do the right things about 2 months ago, that is groundwork I started but I didn't know how important it was. I have a track record now (although small) of wanting to meet his needs and doing my job at home.

But I do start to feel needy when he has to work very long hours. unfortunately he does need to work a lot to make up for the financial thing that was my fault. at least he's not lording it over me but how am I supposed to negotiate the fact that I feel neglected and lonely while he's out working to make up for my mistakes?

anyway, thats it for now. I still have my eyes open but I do feel that the immediate crisis is over and now we can work on the conditions that led to the crises.

any feedback, I would appreciate.

PS. I am waiting for a referrel for MC. I am going to make an appointment and ask him to go with me. if he goes awesome. I hope he does but I will still go if he doesn't. I dont know how I will pay for it though.

Why wouldn't you snoop, if your husband was having an inappropriate relationship? It would be crazy not to check. Right now, you cannot trust him. That may make him angry, but that is tough. He has months to go of being truthful and rebuilding your trust.

On your side, you need to work on whatever the problems were - spending money and doing your work at home?

Right now things are still shaky, but if you both do the necessary work, things should be okay.

believer, I don't know why this is so confusing. I snooped to find a receipt I knew he had been to a store but I thought he was lying about what time he had left. Although I knew he had lied about it, it was just proof he had lied. and it was at the cusp of his decision to break it off because I gave an ultimatum. The incident when he was at a store was a full 10 days prior to the time I was looking for the receipt.

I can't go around following him and checking up on him, but he's also here more and spending more time with us and acting more normally...not so divided as before. It was plain as day that he didn't want to be here but now it seems he does want to be here. He almost seems relieved and he seems to be trying to please me more.

There is nothing more I can think to do except stay aware. I'm also noting in a diary of when he's not here and what he says he was doing.

PS. He's in contact with accountability partners, but he's not sharing with me about it. He's never been very open at all anyway. (not secretive, just not open)

Well, he needs to be open. He needs to realize that HE is the one who has to carry most of the load of recovery. He should be transparent to you. You should have complete accountability.

What are you doing to keep up your part?

I have been keeping up with my chores, the house is clean and tidy, the laundry has been caught up since memorial day. And there are 7 of us in the house. Also, I have been taking care of my health, on AD and lost 23 lbs. I have stayed out of the finances like he asked, I'm in charge of grocery money only and I'm managing that well.

I'm in contact with 2 women who I keep accountable to, and I'm having daily devotions and leaning of God. I'm also going to attend a 12 step group for my own issues.

I'm trying to meet the needs I know he has (House, physical appearance) and trying to do some of all the rest, since I'm not really sure what his are. And, trying not to LB but boy that is hard....especially when I'm feeling wounded and victimish.....