Things went to hell in a hand basket last night…It’s the first night we had such a fight that we actually yelled at each other. My WS believes it was my entire fault and maybe I had high expectations for a special evening. When we went to bed I told her something’s feel as new as when we dated 26 years ago, and I loved her dearly. She told me this is not you, you’re telling me things you normally don’t say, I told her “I have always felt them and should have expressed them more.” She started telling me how alone she feels and it sent me off and I told her that I haven’t been this lonely in my life, she told me that’s why I fell in love with him he listens to me and makes me feel special. I said all of this makes me feel our marriage is a LIE. I don’t feel special or loved; it’s incredibly hard for a man not only to her that his wife had sex with another man but feel in love with another man. I feel you had a very secretive life I knew nothing about and you made a fool out of me by lying to me for six months. You would go meet your lover and than come crawling back into my bed. How could I have been so cruel, she said I’ll never sleep in your bed again then and go up to pack, telling me he doesn’t hurt me? I told her I was very sorry and had a complete relapse, I have been trying to handle it the best I can and really don’t want you to hurt any more. She said why don’t we spend the weekend apart?

We both said we where sorry this morning but I’m at a loss at what to do to night when she gets home?

Has the A ended???? It almost sounds (in my humble opinion, mind you) that she's not letting the OM go yet.

Setbacks are inevitable because we all have good days and bad days. Problem is you can't take responsibility for everything. You can't compete with the "love" she had with the OM, because those feelings and emotions were based on lies. Of course the OM doesn't "hurt" her, his faults aren't going to be evident to her for a LONG time.

What do you do? Keep doing what you know you should have been doing all along. Apologize for the LB's you slip up on, try to prevent others from happening, and meet her EN's as best you can in ways she'll allow you to. Show her what she'd be giving up if she left. Yeah, life for you is going to be a living hell for a while, but at least you have your eyes opened now, that's a plus, right?

Hang in there, HLR, it's a bumpy ride.

She told me that she hasn’t had physical contact with him in three months and knows she can never see him again but he works for a company that has contact with hers, so she said even though she may not initiate it, they may talk. I told her the only way I would accept it if it was truly inadvertent contact and she immediately told me. She has told me she is committed to our marriage and is very sorry.

I actually asked her to read all of Dr. Harley’s articles on how to survive infidelity and marriage building. She cried and told me she didn’t want to finish because it was hurting her to bad…but finished them all any way. She was mad at me for asking her to read them but I told her it was all part of the healing process, I believe we have made such progress in 3 weeks that I should give her a break and not talk about it for a week. I would like her to start feeling good about herself and me.

This morning more came out when I asked her not to call him this morning and She said don’t worry he on vacation. I asked if they had talked and she said no but I no details about his live and there not going away. She said it’s hard on me I still have feelings for him, but no we are not talking.

Ok, so *if* the physical contact has ended, there is still some contact that is feeding the emotional attachment. That simply will not do. Your marriage cannot move forward at ALL until you have him out of your life. May I again second (or third, whatever....reinforce!) the fact that you NEED to expose this A!!? Secrecy is keeping the attachment real and "safe", you know that, right?

She will continue to have feelings for him for a while, that's just something you'll have to come to grips with. It is really hard to imagine that your spouse loves someone else, but do your best to rework things in your mind to think of it as an addiction--it will help disconnect your feelings of rejection from all of it so you can think more objectively.

My current thoughts are to be supportive and enjoy the weekend; I would like to give her a few days or a week before I start my next steps. Yes that does mean exposing him; I just need to find out how? I plan to suggest we see a marriage counselor next week, something we haven’t done, although I read all of Dr. Harley’s info on the web site.

I asked her to read all of Dr. Harley’s articles on how to survive infidelity and marriage building, last week. She cried and told me she didn’t want to finish because it was hurting her to bad…but finished them all any way. She was mad at me for asking her to read them but I told her it was all part of the healing process, I believe we have made such progress in 3 weeks, other than last night.

See my post on: “I need Help! Plan A set back”

Now I feel that I should give her a break and not talk about it for a week. I would like her to start feeling good about herself and me. Hopefully next weekend I can implement my current thoughts to see a counselor, hopefully he\she would make the suggestion that the other FS needs to know.

Any other suggestions are welcome, but that’s my current plan.

Ok, what's HER plan? How is SHE going to help you, because you can't do this alone. It will take twice the effort (and yes, pain) on her part to rebuild things. I don't really know about the wisdom in avoiding it for a week. Tried that, didn't last two days, and the 'slipping' ended up hurting us worse than planned-out calm discussions.

How are YOU going to start feeling good about yourself? This is a toughie, believe me.

Hey, quit cross-posting, you're making me dizzy! LOL

Thanks again CamoKnightsWife
Sorry about the cross-posting, I guess I'm feeling dizzy and it shows.

I really think pushing to hard to soon could cause her to leave. She says she can’t bear the pain and in Dr. Harley’s article it mentioned that the WS can have a nervous breakdown from their guilt. I want us both to get past the guilt, I’m just trying to work out how, wish I had the answer to that one!

It may take both of you having nervous breakdowns to get past the guilt. That's what it took for me and my H. Experiencing that and helping each other THROUGH it was a major catalyst for recovery for both of us. Yeah, it was hard, but him seeing my pain and me seeing his was totally necessary for us to gauge where our relationship stands NOW and how we are to begin to move forward. Make sense?

Of course she can't bear the pain, she committed an atrocious act and it's shameful to look back on. That's when you lovingly take her hand and say "You don't have to bear the pain alone, I'm here to help you through it and I hope you're willing to help me through my pain as well."

Getting past the guilt? Marriage counseling. You need it. Get it. Got it? Good.

Off to take my own advice..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WS called and asked for a lunch date so we can make plans for this evening! WOW, Starting to feel special. Update you later...

WS said “Thanks, you have been so supportive and I don’t deserve you”

My hope is just to spend time to allow us to start to feel like a special couple again. Than I'll see what next week brings.

Great, sounds like you're making progress. Now repeat after me...."honey, it's not about what you deserve, it's about making our marriage work and learning to love and trust each other again"

What a weekend…We spent the whole weekend like a couple dating again. I know that sounds funny but I think we both wanted to dedicate the weekend to restoring our marriage. The weekend started with her making plans for the two of us to spend some quality time together, starting with a festival on Friday night, it was a nice break, with good food, drink and regular conversation, with nether of us mentioning the affair. Saturday and Sunday, we went golfing, shopping for furniture and each day spent a couple of hours just talking about everything but her affair. I really enjoy just sitting outside talking and drinking wine with the woman I love. We both agreed that it was a wonderful weekend and hope to spend many nights enjoying each others company, weather permitting we can enjoy it outside on our patio, it seems to add a little romance.

Her affair only came up once when she was talking about going out with some friends, I must have made a weird gesture because she said what and I made the mistake of saying I just have some issues to get over when you go out. She sat there staring at me with a few tears coming down her face and said that my comments hurt her…before getting into the whole discussion, I just changed the subject.

FYI, I really didn’t need to worry about my performance when we got intimate. This probably isn’t the place to share this but I had some anxieties based on one of our previous encounters. Things pop into your head at some of the most inopportune times.

As great as the weekend was I still thought about the affair and when it would be appropriate to discuss our next steps, including our marriage plan.

I plan to post our marriage plan to get some feedback?

I would appreciate any comments on what should be some of my next steps?

I really look forward to all of you’re input and comments. I want to especially thank CamoKnightsWife who has been an inspiration and a new friend, thank you so very much.