Here's my story. Sorry if it's long-winded. My wife is a partner in a high-profile law firm. For years our marriage has not been ideal. SHe has been unhappy and has told me. I did not know what to do but never imagined she would have an affair. We have two kids ages three and five. I found out five days ago that she has been having an affair with one of the firm's senior partners for months now. This OM is 11 years older, and is also married with two kids. My wife has agreed to go to counseling and says she still loves me but refuses to break it off with OM because she cares for him. I believe (from reading e-mails) that the two of them are trying to figure out how to end their respective marriages and be together. I think that my wife and OM don't want to hurt their wife and kids and are trying to figure out how to end things as easily as possible.I have told her my beliefs and also told her that I am willing to do anything to save our marriage. She is fairly closed off and has little to say to me. The MB site has been immensely helpful and I believe I am doing the best things I can right now --- staying home, not getting angry, not suffocating her, etc. It is very hard because I know she has contact with OM daily at work. I feel like time is of the essence --- if I don't do something soon it will be too late. We have our first counseling session in a week but I fear one day before then she will come to me and say it's over. Let me also add that me wife is very into her job. SHe enjoys her work and does it very well and she makes at least twice as much money as me. Getting her to have NC with OM would mean life-altering changes in more ways than one. But that can come later. Another complication is that her best friend at work (also a partner) ia ALSO having an affair with another senior partner. I feel this friend is manipulative and heartless and I know that my wife confides in her daily about the affair. They support eachother, in ways that I fear hurt my chances. Anyway, that's enough details. I have some very specific questions about what to do next:

1) Should I confront OM? In a non-threatening manner, I want to show him my face so he can see the pain he is causing. I want to explain to him that I have no intentions of giving up my wife without a fight.

2) I am almost positive OMW knows about the affair, but should I call her and tell her who I am and that I am working at the marriage on my end? Should I encourage her to work on hers?

3) Who else should I tell? I'm thinking of calling my wife's younger sister. They are very close and she loves our kids very much. We are on good terms but not especially close. However, I worry that she would immediately contact my wife and start empathazing with her side.

4) Should I call my wife's girlfiend at work (see above) to tell her that I am committed to restoring the marriage? I feel like I need to deflate her power over my wife.

I love my wife more than anything and have talked to her a great deal, but she is in the fog and cannot think straight. I think that the only thing keeping her with me is the kids. I need to know what steps I can take outside of our circle to get Plan A more underway. I have read that exposure will bring my wife closer to reality, but I worry that she may react angrily by leaving me. Thusfar, the people that know about the affair (besides those mentioned)are my mother and father and a couple of my close friends Help --- hurt in Louisville

jgoat, welcome to MB. First, I think you will find that MC during an ongoing A is a waste of money. If I were you I would take that money and do some phone counseling with SH instead. The link is at the top of the page.

Regarding exposure, yes call OMW and your WW sister. Make sure you tell whomever you expose to that you are committed to saving your M. Don't bother calling the enabling friend, that will only get back to your WW as negative. What about the HR director of your WW firm? I cannot imagine that a law firm condones infidelity and risks sexual harrassment lawsuits. Have your read Surviving An Affair or Torn Assunder? His Needs Her Needs? Have you identified what you need to change in YOU to make you a more attractive H for your WW?

God bless you in this journey.

Great questions. I have some similar stuff going on. Hopefully Melody and some of the others will jump on this. Hang in there. I've been going through this for 5 months. You can make it, if you can get your wife to get away from the OM. If not, it will be very difficult, even if she stops the affair. My wife initially said she would find another job at the end of the school year (she's a teacher), but now says she doesn't want to. Her best friend is in contact with the OM, and my MIL actually told my wife that the OM really cares about her from the conversations her best friend has had with him. Like you, I don't know how to handle the friends involvement.

I'm sorry I'm not any help. When I started, it was somewhat comforting to know I wasn't alone and that there was others out there going through very similar things.

Thanks for the input. I still wonder, should I contact the OM face to face as I stated in my first post?

Jgoat, contacting the OP is generally not helpful. I would wait and see what exposure does.

Contacting the OM....face to face, on the phone.....etc....will do you no good.

Contacting the enabeling friend will do you no good.

On exposure....you have to be ready for the backlash of exposre. Be prepared for your WW to be livid about it....and of course blame everything on you.

You also have to be prepared for it to be a deal breaker for your WW...and cause her to make the decision to leave.

Exposure affects different WS's in different ways.

Noticed you're in Lousiville.....I'm about 50 miles North of you.

Be prepared for anything. Might think about getting a suit of armor to deflect all the crap that will be coming your way.

I don't know, I thought about it. I spoke to the OM a couple days after d-day. I wish I would have waited. I didn't have my thoughts together and didn't say the things I needed to say.

I think the affair started back up a few months later, then cooled off again.

You should absolutely call the OMW, again I waited until my wife broke the NC five months later. I found out some very interesting things that I wish I would have know before. You can't be sure she knows, and she definitely deserves to know.

Take your time here, get your thoughts together and get your facts straight. All I can say is that I rushed in and made some horrible mistakes. Unfortunately, your talking to the OM isn't really going to make any difference. You should consider contacting the head of the firm and letting him or her know what is going on, that you would like to save your marriage, and how dangerous it is for a partner to be messing around with co-workers/subordinates.

It wouldn't look good for this kind of information to get out to the public. Maybe some of their clients are BS, do you think they would want to go to a firm that supports this kind of behavior?

Stick with it, it's early in the game, you have a real shot at saving your marriage. It won't be easy, but you can do it.

Don't contact OM. That is a waste of time. Contact his wife, and also notify the law firm in writing.

Stay calm during this.

(((((J))))),

First, welcome. You are in the right place.

You have already gotten good advice. So, just let me add my two cents worth:

Exposure to the omw is essential. You do NOT know that she knows, and she deserves this knowledge.

Exposure to your WW's family is also essential, in that they will bring pressure to bear for her to end the A.

As thrive on secrecy; they wither in the light of day.

Confronting the om...this one is really contrversial. Most here (including SH) will say, do not waster your breath. Understand the om has the foreknowledge about the A; you are still in shock. He, in some part of his heart, has been waiting for you to come to him. He will have a lot of cruel things ready to say to you. You will, most likely, be at a disadvantage.

That having been said, many here HAVE confronted om/ow and handled it very well. I cannot advise. I did not confront ow. Sometimes I have vengeful fantasies where I confront her, throwing pictures of my children, and hers (she actually sent a picture to my H of her and her son, which I kept)into her face. In my fantasy, I call her every rotten name that describes what a potential homewrecker is.

But, you know what? That is a fantasy. My M, and your M are real life. Invest your emotions, time, and energy in your M, your family.

MC is truly a waste of time right now, but counseling with SH is a very good idea.

Exposure to the HR folks at her job is good, but I would use it as a last resort as she may get fired, too. However, your WW does need to change jobs. As long as their is C with the om, your M will not R.

And...most important: Do NOT tell your WW you are going to expose. Just do it. If you tell her, she will run ahead, painting you as unstable, crazy, abusive. You will lose the advantage. Do NOT tell her.

Read everything here. Start Plan A. Do not LB.

Your WW is addicted to the A right now. It is meeting ENs of hers which you were not. This happened to me, to most , if not all of BSs.

Print off the ENQs (available here on this site). Give one to your WW; you take the other. This is a start. Whether you counsel with SH, or not, you need to do them. SH asks for them prior to counseling; and even if you choose not to go that route, you need to know what your WW's ENs are so you can begin to meet them.

You are in my prayers. Good luck!

If you have proof - e-mails, cell records, put them in a safe place, after making copies for the om's W.

jgoat- exposure is NOT non threatening. I'm not sure what contact with him, face to face woudld do for you other than get you upset....