I have been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for 4.5 years, living together for 3. On the whole, we have a decent realtionship IMO. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. I feel the same.

Last week I discovered that he was looking at porn on the internet. This was extremely disturbing for me, as I am not comfortable with this behavior. In fact, at the start of our relationship I made it clear I did not want to be with a man who participates in this type of thing.

He claims that he has done this because he is not fulfilled sexually (which he has told me in the past). I understand that I need to do a better job in fulfilling his needs. However, I asked him specifically when I confronted him whether or not he paid for this porn. He stated no.

Today I discovered that in fact he has been paying for it, for over a year. Hundreds of dollars. Not only has he violated our agreement, but he has spent money on something I am opposed to, during a time period where I was partially supporting him financially.

I feel disgusted by him, have lost a lot of respect for him. I do not trust anything he says now. He tells me, Thank you for giving me another chance, and that he loves me every day. He has said that he has ceased looking at the porn, and told his friends to stop forwarding him links via email. He has also said he feels almost relieved that I found out, because he "wanted me to catch him" which IMO is selfish and an immature way to feel about it.

I am wondering, is it a good idea to try and rebuild our trust? I can understand couples who do this when they are married, or have kids, in order to keep the family together. But we are not married and I have an opportunity to get out. He is a good guy and I do love him. I am very torn. Do I commit to someone through marriage who may betray me again in the future?

Random thoughts:

o) A problem came up (his SF), and instead of working through a solution, he turned to an outside solution and hid it. Does not bode well for future issues that crop up.

o) He's lied and in some circles, porn might be considered cheating. So there is a serious breach of trust tha tneeds to be restored. Which he may be incapable of doing, or you may be incapable of accepting.

o) He wanted to have his little porn party, while in the meantime, getting the extra thrill of hiding it from you and the secret thrill of getting caught. As you say, not exactly a mature way to deal with a problem, but indicative of patterns that he will most likely use in the future.

o) He knew from the beginng about your view on porn, yet chose to do it anyway, thus demonstrating how much he truly values your beliefs. (As in, he doesn't value them).

Is it a good idea to rebuild trust? Sure. Do you want to invest the time and energy and effort tha tit will take (and is he willing to make sure his life is completely transparent, so that you will be satisfied)?

His value system, wrt respecting others, and being a man of integrity seem seriously out of whack. Only you can decide if you're willing to compromise your principles and reduce them to the lowest common denominator.

Personally I am not really sanguine about the longevity (never mind the stats for couples that live together anyway stink), given his propensities... His deflecting blame that some how the SF issue "Forced" him to violate your trust and "made" him do porn is just a bunch of baloney, masking his real lack of integrity and character.

Getting married to somebody like this, at least at this point in time would probably result in your being back here needing help with your marriage in the not too distant future.

Real change takes time. Restoring trust takes time. Time you may not want to spend.

You know, if a backwards sort of way, this shows a real benefit to LTBM. VG has found this out about her BF now, before she is "shackled by ... the ink stains that have dried upon some line." (If you recognize this line from "Gentle on My Mind", you're dating yourself!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Think about it VG. If your feelings are being 'dissed' now, it's not likely to be better if you get married.

It is possible to save your relationship.

But until he learns how seriously he screwed up and what is at stake should he ever do this to you again he won't change.

VG,

From a womans point of view, I'd say NO, don't try and salvage the relationship for pretty much the same reasons Jaye mentioned.

Do you really want to spend a life time wondering if he's lying to you? Or if when your pregnant and not in the mood for sex for obvious reasons, that he turns to porn and then casts the BLAME on you (I only looked because YOUR pregnant)?

I understand you love this man, but your mental health is more important than his lying and lack of respect for you.

If he disregards your feelings on this issue, what other issues is he disregarding your feelings on?

May I suggest you read the information on this site, and maybe read the book Boundaries.

If you give in at this point on an issue that is important to you, he will think "I got away with that" and will most likely do it again. Not that HE can't change, but maybe you could seperate for a time and see if he really works at the relationship.

And do not take the BLAME for his choices.

Ditto to all, especially Jaye.

VG, I know it's difficult to feel disgust and loss of respect for someone you've been in a relationship with. That happened to me with my ex, over a similar topic!

As painful as it was, it was a good thing I broke up with my ex. It's been a year, and my contempt and repulsion for him have not abated, if anything, they've only grown with time, especially as I see how many women, children, families, and communities are hurt by sexually-oriented businesses, which he adamantly defended, despite being a weekly Mass-goer. Internet porn has at least as destructive an effect.

(Insert "barf" icon here!)

Like you, I was blessed to wake up to the red flags before we had any permanent commitment or God forbid, children. Ugh, I shudder to think I ever fantasized about having his babies.

Damn, where's that barf icon?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Take the advice of the wise people who posted above, as difficult as it will be! ((hugs))

Good luck -

Since this thread was bumped after four months, I will not respond to anyone in particular.

Things I hope you will understand about pornography. Pornography is a drug. And many who view it regularly are addicted to it. For some, it is just like recreational use of drugs and they can move on from it. For others, the addiction occurs due to them wanting to escape from life and experience a state of euphoria that can be attained from using the drug. Many porn-addicts spend hours upon hours using their drug each day.

People with this type of addiction need couseling and help to recover from it. When dealing with porn, you must treat it like a drug.

Virginiagirl states that her boyfriend was hoping that he got caught. This was definitely not a sign of him feeling thrilled to be caught. I would boldy make the suggestion that this is a clear sign that he is an addict and was glad to get caught because part of him does want help, but doesn't know how to go about getting it.

Nobody quits a drug addiction cold turkey, they need counseling, an accountability partner, and constant monitoring over a set period of time. Complete openness, honesty about what they're doing on the computer is a must (if that is their source). I would suggest moving the computer to a non-private area, possibly even with anti-pornography software installed on it.

I had a b/f (long time ago) who told a friend of mine that he's looked at porn b/4. I felt betrayed. And that he told my friend and not me. I've always told myself if I was ever cheated on that I would leave him. I feel that someone who looks at porn is cheating and I think people who look at porn are just as likey to cheat their partner with someone else. So if I were in your posistion I would leave the relationship.

If it were me I'd be more upset about the money than the porn. Men like porn. As long he's not going some where else to get it..what harm really is there?

But then again that's just me.