Had another panic attack last wed. Was driving at the time & I felt I was going to lose control.

Spoke to eldest son on the phone. Felt a bit better but not a lot. Younger son phoned me that evening. WS was in the background. Wanted to know if I wanted to speak to her. I didn't. Not wise to expose my vulnerability to someone I can't trust.

The attacks are getting closer together. She has been in the UK for 10 days now. I arrived here on Sat.

Feel bad now & don't know how much more I can take. The pleasure & joy of life is totally eclipsed by the pain. No contact from WS.

Maybe I should go to plan B sooner. Don't think I can last until Jan.

Ibiza
If the chaos is hurting you that badly then plan B is for you as soon as you can effect. Need to remove yourself from the hurt.

That may be uniquely hard for you with WW a hundred yards down the road though. Do you have a plan for avoiding contact with her in plan B ?

I wish I was close mate. I'd visit.

{{{{ibiza}}}}

I'm so sorry for your pain. Maybe Anti-depressents might help to lessen the panic attacks. I have succombed to anti-depressents after many nights of uncontrolable fear that would wash over me. (Not panic attacks) I am now able to think a little better, helping me to lessen the desire to commit LBers.

Take care of yourself.

Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak

I'm sure she's hurting inside but she's putting on a very hard face. She's aware of the universal disapproval & loss of disrespect from the family. Her response is "oh well, you've become closer to the kids; I've lost them & shrugs her shoulders". This abberation is not her normal behaviour.

To protect herself, she's become more distant. I sometimes get a very chaste kiss on the cheek. She doesn't seem to want to talk to anyone about the problem..."what problem?" seems to be her position. She can't understand why people don't just let her get on with it.

3 years ago when I was coming to the end of my tether. She encouraged me to give up a job which was destroying me. She warned me that it was also threatening our marriage. She told me that she would stand by me & support me in my recovery if I would give up my job. Early in my recovery, I agreed that her elderly mother should move in with us. She was suffering from dementia and was crippled because of a fall. I looked after her during the day without complaint but it was not easy, especially when I acted as the go-between...they never had a close mother/daughter relationship.

When I talk to WS about the promises we have made to each other, she says she meant them at the time but marriages break down all the time, but what makes ours so special? If you don't regard your marriage as special, what hope is there?

I've gently probed her on how the affiar is going & she tells me that there are no signs of it ending. She says that the BF has given her great strength & he is the most positive person she's ever met. I think it's pretty easy being positive when you're an amoral opportunist. If you want something you just go for it, whatever the consequences.

We're both in the UK at the moment but she has made no attempt to contact me. She is staying on her own with no social contact. I'm 5 minutes walk away.

I was hoping that with her being alone 1,000 away from her boyfriend, she might want to talk & thaw a little. I'll be here for another 11 days. I'm going back to Ibiza for my birthday.

When I get back, I'm minded to take the rest of her things around to BF's appartment with a letter.

I'll say that...

I no longer have the strength to bear the pain when I see her or think of her.

I've got to move on & rebuild my life.

She must not contact me in any way as long as she is betraying me. All contact must be via one of our sons.

If she &/or BF inadvertently meet in a social context, I expect them to avoid me or leave altogether. I've behaved like a gentleman so far, but I'm only human & seeing the two of them together is provocation I find hard to rise above...I'll try my best but I can't promise!

If she leaves the BF, I'll talk but I can't wait forever. Without imposing deadlines, I'll suggest that if the A goes on too long, she runs the risk of losing both of us (as well as the familiy).

I'll emphasise the importance of making no contact while the A continues by saying that I don't want her to phone me, visit me or even attend my funeral! I'm not planning to leave the earth at the moment, but you never know what's around the corner.

I intend to keep the door open while I'm in the UK, but I don't think I can do it for much longer.

PS, Bob.

If you can get a cheap flight, you're welcome anytime. I've got a nice home & lots of sunshine. It would be nice to share it!

F

Ibiza

At this time its important that you study and understand the dynamics of affairs. I know that your situation seems uniquely intractable but it really isn't.

I read a crisis-catalysed affair like my own dear Squid's and many others on these boards.

With Squid she had a streak of entitlement and selfishness that had been barely supressed while she became a SAHM (by mutual enthusiastic agreement 5 years ago), and when her mom was diagnosed with cancer it coincided with my new job ( also enthusiastically agreed between us)being particularly demanding.

Three times married, many times unfaithful , deliberately unemployed old opportunist scumbag wastrel OM put an arm around her shoulder and abused his position of seniority in Squids sport to flatter her nd sell a well spun fantasy. She delightedly started an affair with him as it scratched her every selfish and entitled itch.

It was all My fault, she was to live with him as soon as he got a settlement from his partner and mothe rof his young son, she enjoyed her affair it was about HER and for HER after YEARS of being a dogsbody supporting everybpody else's needs.

Familiar story Ibiza ?

The fundamental decency of WS like my quid and I suspect your WW screams with muffled existential outrage at the lies, deceit , betrayal and unfaithfulness, and she KNOWS it is not sustainable.

This OM is not going to REPLACE YOU. It will take a very short time in all likelihood the first sniff of relationship responsibility - to make him back off.

Your WW may feel se needs to strive to continue to justify and rationalize her behaviour for a while afterwards - because if she admits what she has done/is doing is bad she must accept SHE has done a very bad thing.

And that is not an easy thing for a previously upstanding and moral person to admit.

Its YOUR job to become a 'lighthouse'. A non-judgmental beacon of calm, peace and welcome so that WHEN ( not IF) yoru WW inds hersolf alone and distraught she sees a persistent friendly place to crash and burn.

I will search for the lighthouse post from Ark. Its wonderful.

I am CERTAIN your W's affair will be short lived Ibiza, really. It is an impractical and unsustainable as my own Squid's affair was.

Soon she may be looking for a dignified way out of the mess she has created. You need to start preparing yourself and your life as that place.

Its as difficult and simple as that. No ultimatums.

Just " I love you and I want to work on our marriage, but I cannot allow myself to be knowingly hurt and disrespected. When you want to come home and work with me on our marriage I will be here for you, but I will not support you at all in your affair which I believe to be folly." type thing.

My biggest concern mate is not that your WWs affair may persist ( as am as sure as I have ever been that it will not) but that this mess is putting strain on recently healed parts of you.

You have shown considerable strength so far, and I'm proud of you. Do not fear breaking. I broke ( i drive my car into a tree out of myhead on pills and wine) and I have no history of emotional problems.

I suspect your experiences may just have pepared you BETTER for this trauma than me.

Anyway I can help, please just say. and can i suggest that you post and study here more often? Journalling and sharing depressurises even the worst situations IME.

All blessings to you Ibiza.

your sit is far more hopeful than you think.

Bob,

You're right. The affair continuing is putting a huge strain on the parts of me which have started to heal.

Affairs have been compared to heroin addiction; at first you live in a euphoric glow, oblivious to the effect on others. It also makes you deceitful & selfish & you'll never admit that YOU have a problem.

Trouble is my love for my childhood sweetheart is similar..."can't live with her, can't live without her" In my case meeting her hurts me, but being deprived of her presence hurts me as well.

You're right the time is coming when I'll need to keep my distance. At the moment, there's very little true communication. When we talk about the marriage, she tends to concentrate on the negatives (well, she would wouldn't she?). Her negative view of our marriage can undermine my current view which is that I was a %*$@ing good husband and any woman would lucky to have me. I need to feel like this as an antidote to my earlier trick of beating myself up.

Yes, plan B is coming but I'll read the book again as well as the posts before I write the letter. Hopefully, I'll only write one 'PB' letter in my life, best give it my best shot.


PS

I read your post about your holiday. I hope I can write a similar one oneday.

It's also cathartic to counsel others. Two of the nicest, most helpful people on the island are a young couple with 2 young daughters. They've both been there for me in my hours of darkness (to quote Gram Parsons). They're having difficulties too. He's the oppostite to me. He's too independent & will do things (with the best of intentions) without consulting his wife...he's just gone & bought a house for them while she's in the UK. Hope they're still together when I get back because I want them to come to my birthday party

WW hasn't asked me what birthday present I want yet.

Ibiza

Any recovered WW will tell you now that the negative constructs created and adhered to during an affair rarely have their roots in true fact.

You have, surely, shortcomings as a human being, but they in no way forced your WW to have an affair.

In fact let me tell you something that I STILL find hard to live with.

I wasn;t really important in Squid's decision to have an affair. I am her husband of 18 years and I didn;t even figure in her thoughts unti she started to feel bad and needed to justify her affair to herself.

This was very belittling to me. The ultimate 'being taken for granted'.

Your WWs affair is honestly not a critique of your husbandry. That only happened once your WW felt she needed to justify her affair to herself and others.

YOUR opinion of you is the only one that matters, and you can be very proud of your actions in this mess so far.

thanks Bob,

One redeemeing feature in my case is that both WS & OM considered my welfare when they got together.

OM was my friend & could see that we had a loving relationship & a loving, tight-knit family. He felt bad about what he was doing. He quizzed WS about what was wrong. Her reasons sounded fairly weak to me, but he saw an opportunity for a lonely, weak, "little" man to move in & take advantage of a charismatic but troubled woman.

I know this because he told me. I went to see him. Not to kick his head in (although the thought crossed my mind) but to give him the opportunity to look me in the eye & tell me his side of the story.

They had spent a lot of time together in my absence putting the world to rights & sharing their deepest thoughts. They'd both found a soulmate. On one fateful evening he said "I think I'm falling in love with you". He expected a slap in the face but the reply he got was "I feel the same way about you".

I think the main attraction of OM to WS is his complete "otherness"...he's nothing like me apart from a deep interest in music. He's unreliable (so I hear from others). I'm boringingly loyal, reliable & trustworthy. He's never really grown up & WS wants to be Peter Pan In the Autumn of her youth...I think you could call it a mid-life crisis.

He ain't trustworthy but he must seem very exciting & dangerous to her

She knew I would be destroyed & that the betrayal would put me in danger & set back my recovery. She also predicted that the kids would hate her. They both gave my safety a lot of thought. BUT they disregarded it.

I'm in two minds on how to take that. At least thay were troubled right from the start...good, but they deliberately hurt me badly...bad.

The lingering, comforting thought is that the uneasiness was there at the start. Whether it grows & festers to undermine the A or whether they can get over it, time will tell.

I now realise that it will be just as difficult for me to rebuild if we get the opportunity than it will be for her.

I've got to address my faith in her being destroyed & the thought that I might be second choice will hard to swallow. The main difference between me & her is that I was willing to try right from the start; she may never want to give it a go.

I'm going round to see her tonight. I'm feeling pretty strong today. I'll no longer risk contact when I'm down. I must not expose my vulnerability to someone who I have no reason to trust. When I'm like that I need to be with someone who's got my best interests at heart. It might be the last chance we can talk at length before my patience & strength is used up. It will also be the last chance on neutral territory.

I've got loads of judgemental things rumbling away in my guts. I'll try to keep them to myself.

I want her to know though that I don't feel guilt about what's happened. I'm quite proud of myself so far. It would be nice to be proud of her again in the future.

This might be the last chance to tell to her face her that I love her more than ever.

Ibiza, can you find out in OM has anyone whom he fears dissappointing ? A spouse, a child, a parent, a boss, a priest ?

Exposure on HIS side would be very useful for you.

I really don't see any indication of a lasting relationship there. Their relationship developed just like most affairs do.

A well-maintained plan A to remind her why she loves you, then a studied plan B where you leave her to the realities of her 'dream life' with laughing boy would be indicated here I think.

Your WW would have to give up ANY support from you, her boys your mutual friends, financial, emotional, physical all that shared history, and any chance to make up to you the knowing hurt she caused you.

Behave STRONG but hurt ( which is what you are !). Not needy. Not weak. Not 'ok with her affair' either.

Avoid disrespectful judgments and emotional outbursts. Do this when you arestrong and avoid her when you do not feel so strong.

Then if her affair persists as soon as you feel yourself losing your love for her, go plan B.

This stuff works Ibiza. Uninstinctive but it works.

The odds are on your side hugely.

BTW kudos to you for not beating the ****** out of OM. Had I met him after D-day I could not have resisted.

Maybe your boys should "visit" him next time they come see their dad in Ibiza, huh ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

All blessing smate. You are doing GREAT it just doesn't feel that way right now.

hi Bob,

I've been fishing re OM. He doesn't have a close family background. Ironically, he admired the close bond which WS, the boys, DIL & I had. He even met my mother. Didn't stop him p*****g on it all though.

He has an ex-GF. they were together for 9 years; he finished it before he met me. She was pretty upset about getting the elbow & even more hurt when she heard that he'd found someone new. I'm trying to contact her but she's gone back to London permanently. She still sings on the OM's records. They're privately produced. I had a copy of one over here in Blighty & it had her Email address on it. Unfortunately younger son trashed it when he found out about the A.

The A is looked on with disapproval by the female members of OM's circle of friends & they don't regard him as a gantleman. I've already spoken to one of them. In addition, A very attractive german girl returns to our village next month. OM made a move on her (unsuccesfully) about 3 months ago; she's not going to be impressed by wht he's done. She was very friendly with WS & me.

I've googled ex-GF's name but not got very far.

Nick our younger son is out in Ibiza at moment. But he's not inclined to seek OM out. Tim's coming out next month. If he bumps into him, he'll knock him out. I'm not keen on turning OM into a victim though, it could drive WS & him closer together.

When I stayed with my little brother in Barcelona just after D-day, his 'interesting' friends offered to do a job on OM..baseball bats etc...to my shame, I hesitated for about 1/2 second before declining. There would be no tactical advantage & I don't hate OM. How can you hate a cockroach, they're just vermin.

Where i might get nasty is if WS & I get back together & OM dosn't understand "we're through, stay away from me".

Seriously, what I'm hoping for is that OM proves to be unreliable & betrays WS.

When I wernt to see him he confessed that WS had pulled him up about "admiring" the ladies in a disrespectful way..."what are you staring at that girl like that for?"...Answer = "She's got nice t*ts". WS doesn't like that. It's OK to admire the opposite sex, but not in a predatory way...she'e got high moral standards about respect between the sexes, I wonder what went wrong here.

WS is going to see her aunt in Inverness this Sunday. She's a tough, old school, sort of lady. I like her a lot. She's likely to give WS the 3rd degree.

I was reading an old Email of WS this afternoon. In it she asks me not to drive her and the boys apart. I can't help here. I've not acted as ringmaster here. In your words, she's driven a wedge between herself & them...she's in the driving seat. She has commented on the hoplessness of patching up her relationship with Tim. She probaly hasn't helped by not remembering his 1st wedding anniversary this week. I'm going to try & re-assure her that if she is ever big enough to admit she is wrong & do what's needed to make amends, her courage will be admired & she can regain lost respect & maybe win some more.

When I gow up, Ibiza, I want to be just like you. You have such an attitude it humbles me.

Look after yourself. When it goes tits up with matey-by your WWs is going toneed you.

t/j here, bob can you check out down guys thread? He is getting tired and I thought he could use your encouragement. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...817#Post2794673

HI Bob,

It went tits up last night.

I popped round to see WS after she finished work. I asked her if she would like me to take round a pizza. She said OK. I took some flowers & a bottle of wine as well.

It statrted off OK & I was determined to avoid issues which would lead to conflict.

Unfortunately, she asked about the house immediately. We have a couple interested but they haven't come up with an offer yet. I mentioned that I have given the house sale a lot of thought & have decided that I don't want to sell the the house for at least 1 to 2 years.

Firstly, I'm not ready for the upheaval in my life. I've done nothing wrong. Losing my wife is bad enough; losing my home right away is too much.

Next, I'm trying to save my marriage. Selling, me buying something else & her renting someting bigger & dipping into her capital will cause capital shrinkage. I want to preserve our capital in case we have the chance to try again. Anyway, we would also risk reducing the size of the kid's inheritance.

She said "How are you going to pay the mortgage without her salary?". I said the worst case scenario would be getting into mortgage arrears, which is nobody's interest. I also said that she was only able to draw a salary because I made the sacrifice of going back into a career I hated, at risk to my sanity, to keep the business afloat for 10 years. I also mentioned that our limited company has 4 directors, me, her & the boys. I could persuade the other 2 that a sufficient proportion of her salary should be paid to me so that I could pay the mortgage. I said that if we have to fight, I was prepared to play hardball. This didn't go down very well.

I had hoped to talk about positive things only & avoid this sort of stuff.

We left the subject of the house alone & talked about the kids. She is particulary concerned that Tim hates her & won't talk to her. His last words to her were "You're a disgrace". He's a sensitive guy & she thinks he's prone to depression; I think she's right. She thinks the current bad relationship will hurt him. She wants me to try to smooth things over. I refused, telling her that the ball's in her court. She asked me if I was pleased about all the family hostility to the affair. I said that it was a great comfort to me (it is), but I had not stage-managed it.

She also suggested that if any of my black interludes lead to me "doing somethig stupid" it would be an act of selfishness that would cause great damage to the kids. She's right. I have every intention of working hard to get strong & rebuild my life, but some peple don't succeed & succumb to the total despair they are suffering. Sometimes I feel like this. I suggested that she had deliberately done something selfish knowing that it could have dire consequences & she would have to take much of the reponsibility.

At the end of the evening, she mentioned that car. She wants me to sell it so we can buy two cheaper ones so she doesn't have to drive around in BF's unsafe wreck. I refused point blank. I explained that the car position was her problem not mine. If she couldn't get out as much...tough. I'm not prepared to do anything to make the A easier. If BF wanted her he would have to support her. It wasn't my problem that she'd picked a guy without a pot to piss in.

I'm sorry to say that her attitude provoked me.

I reminded her that I had risked my mental health for our family. She made a pledge that she would help me escape from my job so I could get better & we could start a new life.. We did this inspite of having her difficult invalid mother with us for a while & I looked after mother during the day. I said "we were doing fine, making progress, but you couldn't keep your knickers on. You owe me".

She asked me to go.

Whoops...that remark was below the belt but it's difficult to use sugar-coated words to describe a seedy, sordid act.

We both had to work together in the shop this morning & she was very cold & distant. I don't think she's likely to conact me for a while.

I'm thinking of Emailing her to clarify my remarks. If I do, I could be conciliatory or decide to let her have both barrels...might as well be hanged for a sheep rather than a lamb.

It's hard to keep up the nice guy routine when we have little to talk about apart from the affair etc. I'm not doing much reminding her why she loves me. I'm starting to dislike her. I think she's going the same way. Seeing her being so near yet so far away hurts me a great deal.

I'll see how the first few days back on Ibiza work out but I think Plan B might have to come sooner rather than later.

Ibiza

I had a night when I lovebusted massively too. Squid's affair was still active then and she overheard me speak in very graphic terms about her.

She was LIVID, but also humbled because every word, albeit anglo-saxon, was true and she KNEW it.

In the context of a good plan A it was actually pretty useful that she heard how I DESERVED to be treating her but mostly chose not to.

Do not try to ameliorate your words. They were all true. Truth is only a LB if used to hurt, which you didn't ( much).

You were exactly right to say what you said. Being hated by her kids is a consequence of her affair. Driving in wastrel's knackered car is a consequence of her affair.

Not having the benefit of your home is a consequence of her affair. Having you tell it like it is when OM softens her with soothing euphemisms is a consequence of the affair.

Etc etc etc

Stick to your guns abour joint assets Ibiza. She wants 'em she moves back with you or divorces you - and an infidel without dependents who moved out of the house won't get d1ck quite frankly.

NEVER sugar coat your words to her. Just avoid disrespectful judgments , emotional outbursts and annoying habits.

You feel bad this morning ? I bet you missus hardly slept for crying and worrying. I bet she called OM and he told her everything will be alright and she was doing the right thing. And his words will have sounded SO hollow....

When you DO next talk, say "I am very hurt, but I will do all I can to rebuild our marriage and our lives if you end your affair and come home. But I won't force you. I want you back very much but I don't NEED you back.

And I will do nothing to make your life with OM easier, or that depletes lifestyle I have worked for unnecessarily.

Come share my life with me".

Don't beat yourself up. Use it as catharsis to be more conrolled next time.

{{{{ibiza}}}}

Saw WS at the shop yesterday; I was doing some jobs there & saw her briefly again that evening.

She has backed down on the house & the car. She was cool but not hostile & referred to me & the boys ganging up on her as fellow directors of the company. She is going to open her own bank A/C some that she can draw enough money out for day to day living.

Although this is an advance, I still objected to the separate A/C. It's too early in the separation to start doing things like this. I can't stop her but she knows how I feel.

She went on to say that this is necessary any way because even if she has a revelation tonight & decides to leave OM, she wouldn't necessarily be coming back to me. She commented that we were not independent enough from each other in the past.

I said that it wasn't necessarily a good idea to discuss our past on piecemeal basis, but wondered what she meant by independent? 'Less dependent' maybe I could go along with that but did she mean socialising separately? Having separate friends? How could I trust her in future alone with male friends? Could she trust me alone with women? (it's not unknown for the BS to have a revenge A at some stage. I'm sure I wouldn't but the taboo of adultery has been broken by WS). I think that one of our problems in the past that when we were both working, we didn't socialise much at all together or separately.

She hasn't commented on my comment so far but shows no signs of ending the affair.

While she was talking about us. I brought her up to date with my current emotional state. I have goods days & bad days. When it's bad the predominant emotion is violent anger.

The subject of this anger is the OM. I can't turn it on WS because I love her. I have no wish to hunt him down & harm him, but I will find it provocative & humiliating to see my wife & her f**k partner together in public.

In the past she has mentioned to me if they are going to a place where they might bump into me. This means that I can stay out of their way.

I've asked her to stop telling me this in future. I have done nothing wrong & I should not be behaving as a leper. It should be them who should avoid me if they happen to go to the same bar or restaurant. I hope I can show dignity & restraint if I see them out together but I'm just a man & anger & jealousy is figuring high in my emotinal vocabulary at the moment. I just don't know how I will react.

I think I'm more likely to pure my beer over his head (after removing his basball cap) than put the glass in his face, but I will certainly find it hard to see them together.

She went on to say that this is necessary any way because even if she has a revelation tonight & decides to leave OM, she wouldn't necessarily be coming back to me. She commented that we were not independent enough from each other in the past.

* happy dance *

Her fantasy is cracking. Such talk is usually a first sign. esignation that she'sll drive in noddy's banger an dlive in his tin shack then starting to make plans , albeit mentally , for when she isn;t with him ?

GREAT progress !! Ramp up your plan A !

[blur] whoo-HOO ![/blur]

Good news mate.

Ultra correct about you avoiding them too. They will move on vey quickly from anywhere you are if they have any scrap of decency. And its clear your WW is already having second thoughts.

I THINK I'VE PUT MY FOOT IN IT...

I've been back in Ibiza since 3 Sept. WS asked me to look for some underware she'd left at the house.She was going to pick it up next week when she's back on the island.

I took the opportunity to take it round to the OM's place.

I said this the rest of MY WIFE'S things.

I also told him to keep away from me if he is with her.He agreed to do this.

I reminded him that he is damaging her & that he should give her up if he had any sense of decency. He always says that it's up to her...that's not good enough, either side can walk away if they've got any integrity.

He says that she won't come back to me even if they ever part (he says they won't part) because we were finished before the A started. WS has said this in the past as well. Mind you, she's never going to come back without ending the A anyway.

I also reminded him that I am a normal man, something which the WS spouse doesn't always appreciate. Any normal man knows that if you make a move on another man's woman, you should not be suprised if you get a violent reaction. Also, on Planet Bloke, it's never acceptable to make a move on the wife of a friend.

I reminded him that I was resisting the urge to have his legs broken because I know it would drive them together. I did say, though, that if the day arrived when I was convinced that she was never going to leave him, I wouldn't be able to resist the temptation.

I delivered this in a calm voice & didn't lose my temper.

I'm concerned that this may be seen by WS as going round to OM, issuing threats.

She's still being naive in thinking "we can all be civilised about this". I've done my best to disabuse her of this delusion.

Hope I haven't messed things up.

Hello kiddo.

Hmm. You've done smarter things, but I fully understand why you did it.

Remember you know about 1000% more about affair dynamics that OM or WW do right now. You're wasting breath on them.

One good reason not to talk to OM or even WW about their relationship is because itcan depress YOU. A tiny part of you believes the foggy bull.

Its not true, nothing OM said is factual, just delusional. What is factual is your WWs affair in overhelmingly likely to be a fling, and when it smahsed you need to be a lighthouse guiding your WW home again. And you have to start now with that.

Its hard mate. I feel for ya. Breaking his legs isn;t a bad idea BTW, but it won't get your baby back.

You sound strong ! You doing OK? How are the boys with their Mom now?

ibiza,

I have been reading along on your story and a few thoughts crossed my mind. I would like to share them with you. It occurs to me, that you talking about your illness with her is counter productive, you don't want sympathy, you want your W. Further, I suspect your W wants a healthy husband.

Given those thoughts it seems to me that you should refrain from discussing your past illness or your current state of mind. All it does is feed her need to run.

Second, I think it is time that you withdraw from any unnecessary interactions with her. The affair must die and the only way it can is if OM is forced to meet ALL of her needs. That means you don't support her. It means you don't talk with her, you don't provide information about the kids, their welfare, the emotions, anything.

She has created this fantasy let her live it. You cannot argue her out of this because whatever "logic" she is using is not your "logic" that is why it is called the fog. She is going to have to come to several realizations:
1. That this affair is not good for her or anyone else.
2. That she wants to be with you.
3. She is willing to work on the marriage.

The last one is bigger than you realize because clearly there were problems before the A started and she did not address them within herself or with you.

It is time to back off, quit providing her information, quit trying to educate her, quit trying to run her life. Lead your life well, smile, find joy in it, and become the man you want to be. The man who you can look in the mirror and be proud of and smile at.

Those last tasks are important do them...NOW.

I wish I could offer you the silver bullet that would end all of this, but you now realize that this is a process and BP can lead you through it quite well.

Please think about what I have said.

God Bless,

JL