Hi JL & BoB,

I'm not talking about my depression any more because I'm not depressed, actually I feel very strong. I've told her this.I'm just angry & jealous..I'm a normal guy & I feel that I shouldn't supress my normal feelings. Creatures like OM should be tought a lesson; thats karma. I know that violence won't bring WS back & I'd never see that OM came to any harm as long as there's hope for me & my wife.

The plan A stuff about being a lighthouse is difficult though, I don't see WS for days on end as a rule. Even when I see her it's for a short period. Because my reaction to her betrayal is still evolving, I feel compelled to let her know how I'm feeling. She always asks me how I feel & tell her!If we spent more time together, it might be possible to calm down & just be togther and talk constructively about other things. When she sees me it's because she needs something or more usually to talk about the business. We're co-directors (wth the boys) of the family business. I find it hard to relate to this woman who has become my enemy.

Actually I feel quite good about myself & I'm doing as much as I can to get on with my life. It's difficult living in a strange land, not knowing too many people. I'm about to re-start my spanish lessons in a group this time, hoping to meet people. previously WS & I did it 2 to 1 with a private tutor. I'm also going to learn to salsa & I wouldn't mind learning to tango, so I can sweep some lady off her feet, one day (whoever she might be).

The boys haven't changed much in their response. Neither will have anything to do with OM. The younger one works with WS. They're usually 1000 miles apart but she goes back to the UK regularly & stays at his apartment. She knows that he doesn't approve of the betrayal. The older son won't speak to her at all. This is difficult because we're building a new website & he's the IT wizz. I'm having to act as go between.

Plan b looks tempting but isolating her could have an adverse effect on the business.

Another problem are our joint property/assets. If we ultimately have to divide them 50/50. I'll have to accept a substantially reduced standard of living. If I have to go back to the UK. I will attempt to pursuade the other company directors (my boys) that WS should be removed from the board & just remain as a shareholder entitled to a share of the profits but not to recieve a salary. I can take on much of the admin & planning work she does & our younger boy is now able to do most of the buying (we retail womens & mens fashion) without her.

I haven't said this to her because it'll be seen as a threat & a LB.

I have the luxury of looking at our marriage more objectively because I'm not lost in the fog. I have done a lot of study (including the MB site).One of the flaws of our past relationship is that there was an imbalance of giving & taking.I would do anything for her; she was my princess. She took it all and became accustomed to taking. I know realise that each of us was displaying controlling behaviour. I have an urge to dislay much more assertive behaviour now to let her know that I'm not out for a 10 count and am defintitely not a doormat. She finds this hard to deal with because she has had over 3 decades of Mr Niceguy.

Sometimes I feel I was too much in touch with my New Man/feminine side. I am now readjusting to be more masculine. She must find this strange just as I find it strange that my soft gentle lady has turned into a shallow, hard-nosed sociopath, over night.

I must move on & can't put my life on hold. I'm 55 and can't waste too much of my precious life. If she wants to come home tomorrow...great! Next month...fine! Xmas...maybe. 12 months from now..I don't know. I may have moved on too far...who know?

What I want to be able to do is talk about us not him. I want to be able to talk about it calmly without conflict. She can't see the point, because she thinks we're through.

I still can't accept the sudden change in her...I had absolutely no idea the A was coming. I thought our marriage was the most solid...ever. It was my greatest achievement.I was so proud of us & her.


Plan B might be messy but it might be better. She's still in England & will be back soon. I don't know when & may not see her until she's been back for while.

I need a long drink & smoke...I'm on 20 a day now after quitting 25 years ago. Stll thats the least of my problems.

This weekend, my younger brother & some friends are stayng for a week. They're desperate to 'discuss' certain things with OM. In a weeks time the older son (not speaking to WS) will be staying. He wants to knock the OM out.

I must discourage them, but he certainly deserves it.

I haven’t posted for a long time so I’m afraid this is going to be a long one.

WW is still living 200yds away with OM & I have to make decisions about the immediate future.

For the foreseeable future, for my own safety & to preserve my strength, I need to create some clear blue water between myself & her. We’ve discussed selling the house & I wasn’t in favour at first because once the bank loan & expenses have been covered, I wouldn’t be able to buy a place of my own without another loan. It’s important to me that if I am ever betrayed again I will only have the betrayal to deal with & my home would be all mine & not threatened.

I discussed this with her & she agreed that if we sell, I will take more money than her so that I will be OK financially. After all, she’s got OM to share their costs. She realises that she is taking a risk. If her relationship with OM doesn’t work out, she will have no share of my pension & little capital. I was moved by the first act of kindness she has shown since D-day. Can I trust her? Well, I have to & I do have certain sanctions up my sleeve if she lets me down. This is to do with the business we run. I haven’t told her because this would be a threat & a counter-productive LB.

Winter is approaching. Last winter, a 1000 miles from home, was bleak & lonely for both of us, not knowing many people so far on the island. I can’t face another winter on my own; I might not get through it. Immediately, after D-day I was seriously suicidal. I’ve moved on now & am coping a lot better & thinking clearly, but I don’t want to set back the progress I’ve made. I was going to rent out the house for the winter & move back to the UK at first. Now I’ve made another suggestion to WW…more of that later.

Before I go on, let me emphasis she is the only woman for me. I want her back & love her more than ever. She knows this.

I’ve stopped preaching & never speak to her in a judgemental way. I’m still doing things for her but teaching her to be more independent. She said that one of the reasons she has strayed is because I did too much for her. Nevertheless, she took & asked for more & respected me less for it. She was a daddy’s girl & mostly got her own way with her dad. The same pattern continued with me but I was happy. So, there’s a lot of carrot but some stick too.

She is very unhappy about her relationship with our eldest son (27). He won’t speak to her. She asked me to try healing the wound she has caused, but I won’t, it’s her job to deal with this problem she’s created.

We’re meeting as friends, more like brother & sister. I don’t raise ‘the problem’ in conversation. When she does & wants my view I give it to her straight. For example, I’m neither a Christian nor a conservative but I have a very traditional view of marriage. It’s not just a piece of paper. It’s a solemn promise made to the world that you are going be loving, loyal & supportive for life. You’ve made a commitment & you should keep to it except in extreme circumstances. If there’s a problem in the relationship, you deal with it not run away. She sees the contract as a ball & chain now that she’s fallen in love with the OM. I see it more like a ship’s anchor. It gives you safety all but the most severe storms. She knows how I feel.

At the moment, there’s no sign of the A ending. Although OM made the 1st move by telling WW that he was falling in love with her, she’s called the shots since. He has challenged her on why she was going through with the affair. He knows how much I love her & knows that our relationship was loving & never destructive or abusive. He frequently said ‘wait, think about what you’re doing’; she’s still determined to go through with the A. He will go along with this because he is not a man of honour.

When I made the decision to leave the island, I spend a couple of hours at home talking to WW.

I had previously told her that I was considering divorcing her to break the spell she has over me…to give me closure. It sounds drastic but nothing is irreversible except death. I told her that I wasn’t going to do this, for now. I get a pension from my former profession. If I die, half goes to my widow. If I have no wife, no one gets a thing. As long as I don’t want see that another woman is taken care of, I don’t want her to face a lonely impoverished old age if she ands up alone

I told her a story…from the tales of Gawain & the Green Knight. After a series of adventures, Gawain meets an ugly foul-smelling woman called Ragnell who said she knew the secret of what women want. Gawain needs this knowledge because the Green Knight will chop his head off if he doesn’t get it. Ragnell will tell him the secret if he promises to marry her. He agrees & goes back to Camelot to give the secret to the Green Knight.

Once he’s done this, the other knights tell him to break his promise to Ragnell. He’s a man of his word & a gentleman & insists on keeping his promise. After the ceremony, in the bridal chamber, Ragnell reveals that she is a beautiful young woman under a spell of enchantment. There’s a catch, though. She can only be beautiful for 12 hours a day. Should it be during the day when she can be seen by others or at night when they are together & make love? Gawain said she should decide.

In doing that he gave her what women want…sovereignty. In giving her the gift of sovereignty, he broke the remainder of the spell & she was beautiful 24 hours a day.

I explained to WW that I have always treasured her sovereignty even in the knowledge that she can use it against me. I would never force her back to me it must be under her free will.

I then gave her back her wedding ring because it was her grandmother’s. I also gave back a gold & silver bracelet I gave her on our silver wedding anniversary. She left all sentimental jewellery in the house when she left me. I’ve kept the other rings we exchanged.

I played Bob Dylan’s ‘Don’t Think Twice, it’s Alright’...

“When the rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window & I’ll be gone
You’re the reason I’m travelling on
Don’t think twice it’s alright”.

We hugged & cried. She said “you’re a lovely, lovely man & I’ll always love you”

I told her I was leaving the island. I know that she & OM are looking for a larger apartment. I need to be able to pay the bank loan & the other bills. I suggested that they move into the house when I go until it’s sold. I’m uncomfortable with the idea but I’ve got to live with the fact that they’re together. At the end of the day, the house is just a lump of concrete. This gets me away from the unbearable pain of seeing them together.

They're not comfortable with it either but that's their problem...the neighbours are very sympathetic towards me. WW & OM agreed anyway.

This was a month ago. I’m leaving the island at the end of October. For now we’re meeting as friends. When I go, I’ve told her that I want no further contact in any way. No meetings, no phone, letters, emails, SMSs…nothing. She’s not comfortable with this. She says that she wants to know if I’m OK. What’s the point? I’m not going to help lighten her unease at her immorality & if I’m not OK…so what? What’s she going to do about it? She says that things change & one day we can be friends. I told her that there’s always room in my life for Mrs M or Miss S but never for Mrs B (his name). She keeps raising this but I won’t budge. She has made a choice; she can’t have the best of both worlds. I told her that I don’t even want her at my funeral if she’s still with him.

I will always be in love with her. I can’t destroy my love or our memories but right now they are too painful. I’m moving them to a part of my subconscious where they can’t hurt me. Contact with her will bring it all back. I’ll talk to her if she ever finishes with him.

Over the summer, I’ve coped with the pain better & better & I’ve been painting a very large canvas. It’s taken a long time & it’s not quite finished but I’m pleased with it. WW has seen it & was very impressed. Later she emailed me to say how proud she was of me that I wasn’t wasting my talent & was getting on with life with dignity. I told her that I’m going to give it to her when it’s finished. I had already given her a smaller painting of mine that she treasures when she left in July.

When we talk, she often says that I’m wonderful & will find happiness with another woman. She lists all my virtues (I’m too modest to repeat them!). I think “if I’m so great, why are you giving me up?” It sounds like an advert for a car. In the UK, ads often include the phrases ‘one lady owner from new’ & ‘genuine reason for sale’.

She’s going to find it lonely this winter. Ibiza is very quiet & a bit cold too, although it looks beautiful when the rains come. She commented that she had lost contact with all our friends who are outside the OM’s social circle. I haven’t because I’ve kept in contact with them, unlike her.

She’ll be back in the UK at Xmas. I’ll be cooking dinner for the boys & DIL as usual. They definitely don’t want her there. After Xmas, I’m going to travel around Australia for a few months. I’ll carry on painting & taking photographs. Other women? I am not chasing any but I’m 55 & lonely. I know what Dr H says but I won’t rule anything out; there’s no one at the moment. If I ever get involved with another woman, she will be a consolation prize. No one can ever replace my WW. However, if WW ever wants me back in the future, I will NEVER do to someone else what’s been done to me.

WW know I want her back but I can’t wait forever. If, one day, the fog lifts I might have moved on too far. WW will have to think about this.

I want to get this year over with. It’s just a pity that New Year’s Day is our wedding anniversary! What was I thinking of when I suggested Ist January to get married?

I’ll be leaving her with positive thoughts about me when I go. The last word will be a love letter I’ve written telling her why I fell in love with her & why my love will never die.

Then silence…it will be up to her from then on.

There you are, MBers, not quite the text book PlanA/PlanB scenario but it embodies the principles. I can’t stick around because I’m lonely & stranded on a Spanish island away from long-term friends & family whose support I need. I’m doing it my way.

Ibiza. It is exactly time for plan B which is exactly what you propose to do. Zero contact.

You are exactly right to let yoru W deal with any consequences of her immorality such as her relationship with your son.

You sound wonderfully composed and you are doing exactly the right thing.

However - protect your money. Obsessed WS do stupid things with 'joint' money.

Take what can possibly be construed as yours and protect it hard.

Make your plan B UTTERLY dark until such times as she approaches you through an intermediary with credible evidence that she wnts to reconcile, if, infact, you are amenable to such an approach by then.

Ibiza, you've done a wonderful plan A under the circumstances. You have demonstrated all the reasons why you're a great husand, and now you are withdrawing ALL thos ebenefits. WW is alone with whatever she gets from monkey-boy.

You won;t care, but I'll pray for you tonight.

Please keep in touch in here on by mail if I can help in any way mate. I'm proud of you.

Bob, I do care. I don't have a faith but a number of people have prayed for me. They don't do this lightly.

I'm moved by your support.

WW has been away for a few days. She's back soon & I've got to endure her apologies for what she's doing. I tell her not to apologise...actions speak louder than words.

Ibiza

I still have great hope for your marriage. Your WW hates herself for doing what she does ,clearly.
I think your patience and fortitude will be the main factor in your recovery.

And you have that in buckets, from what I see.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

PLAN B STARTS TODAY

Well, we've done it!

10 minutes ago, we said goobye to each other, possibly forever. What is certain is that we still love each other. I'm still in love & I made it clear to Brenda that she's still 'the one' but I realise that there's no hope of discussing any future relationship between us until she has worked through her relationship with OM. They may live happily ever after. They may not. My presence as the third party in the triangle living so near to them & having frequent contact with her is slowing down the development of their A & will never stop it. I'm stepping back & letting them get on with it.

Winter is coming. Life slows down on the island & they'll be spending more time together, getting to know each other better. There will be no family support network anymore. It's make or break time.

We spent the morning together & talked a bit about the past. One problem was dealing with my depression. She was depressed too. She had to deal with me. She had to cope with her difficult elderly dementing mother moving in to live with us until she died & she also had the responsibility of working to build a business in what then was a difficult trading climate.

Trouble was that a lot of attention was focussed on my problem while she was very unhappy as well. One of our weaknesses was to avoid conflict & confrontation.

We didn't do enough to bring our problems out into the open so they festered. She was a deeply unhappy woman when we moved to the island but we never talked about it. She found a sympathetic ear with a 'nice' man.

Now we have the insight & openess to discuss our probelms & would seek professional help if that would help.

This is too late to be of any benefit now because she's deeply committed to & in love with OM.

If the relationship with OM fails, there's hope. She has enough respect & love for me to approach me to talk.

I spent most of last night writing a love letter. I've told her about why I fell in love with her & am still in love with her. I've reminisced about the good times & the bad.

I've explained that my good memories are too precious to destroy but nevertheless hurt me. I'm wrapping them up & storing them in my sub-conscious where they can't hurt me.

There's nothing hurtful or judgemental in it at all & I hope that her final impression of me is positive when the blackout starts when my plane takes off tomorrow morning.

Awesome. Where did you get all this strength and hope from? This isn't the hopeless Ibiza of a few months ago !!!!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

EXCELLENT Mate ! i am SO PROUD of you !

You have the right attitude. Now appoint a go-between and go DARK.

I don;t think yoru W is 'in love' wih OM. she is in an AFFAIR with him. Study, they're two different things.

The overwhelming majority of affairs end. 90 percent plus.
You have my email right ? ANYTHING I can do, ping me.

All blessings.

Hi Bob,

I've still got your email. Maybe we could have a beer when I'm back in the UK.

In love or an affair? Who knows? She truly believes she's in love & that he is helping her with her depression. It pisses me off that that's my job & that I'm now strong & wise enough to help if she'd let me.

Can't put back the clock, though. I've got to be patient & continue to make the best of the life I've been blessed with.

She wants me to be happy. I want her to be UNHAPPY for as long as she's with OM. This could seem hurtful to her but I've got to be honest.

I just hope that I've not moved on too far when/if the A ends. In the fullness of time, there my be another woman in my life although I'm not actively looking at the moment.

I can't keep up celibacy forever & one day a chance of companionship & SF may arise. Maybe 'keep up' is the wrong phrase to use when talking about celibacy! I hope I can give her enough time & rope to hang herself before it's too late.