Hey all, need to have somewhere to vent right now, so figured this was as good as anywhere. Its been 2 days now since ive done my NC letter to the OW. Since then me and my BS have started reconciling, but today is a bad one, I am thinking more of the OW today, it didnt help that I had went to one of my old forums and saw 9 new messages, so I clicked on it and found them to all be from the OW. I read through each one and it made me feel absolutely horrible, to see what she wrote, made me feel very distraught. I keep thinking of my wife, but now Im feeling how much I miss what I shared with the OW. At the same time I feel wrong for feeling this way, because I am supposed to have all my focus on my W. I dont want to tell my W about what I have been thinking today, because I am afraid she will just be upset with me for having these thoughts, and make our recovery all that much worse. Is this normal to feel this way? Is this part of the process, ughhhh. Never thought it would be this hard. I really just want to call the OW and tell her how everything will be ok, and not to worry, but I know that isnt right either. Need words of support here.

Don't go back to that forum anymore...reading posts by OW counts as contact!!!

You don't need to tell your wife EVERYTHING...but also remember that it's the trust that was destroyed that is one of the biggest sources of pain. So now she's got to learn to trust you again...which means that YOU have to be completely honest and open in all that you do. Don't give her details unless she asks for it, but if she asks be honest about why you're having a rough day.

Again...NO CONTACT of any kind!

((Naiser))

“””I am thinking more of the OW today”””

Next time you feel that, find something constructive relating to your marriage to take your mind back to where it should be.

“””it didnt help that I had went to one of my old forums and saw 9 new messages, so I clicked on it and found them to all be from the OW. I read through each one and it made me feel absolutely horrible, to see what she wrote, made me feel very distraught.”””

OK, don’t duck……SMACK with a 2x4 across the back of the head. What the hell are you doing going to that old site and then taking it the next step by reading? That wasn’t the brightest move to make and required you to take deliberate steps to do it. STOP THAT…… I’m quite sure that is also an ACTION that your wife wouldn’t find helpful to her recovery. Remember the other day we talked about the difference between words and actions. Well today, what message did your actions send to your wife?

“””I keep thinking of my wife, but now Im feeling how much I miss what I shared with the OW.”””

In recovery, we have a saying for when we’re thinking that way and that is “Play the tape all the way through”. It’s real easy to remember the good times but when you get those feelings look at the whole tape. Look at the wreckage you left in your wake. Then your fantasy doesn’t look quite so appealing.

“””I dont want to tell my W about what I have been thinking today, because I am afraid she will just be upset with me for having these thoughts, and make our recovery all that much worse.”””

Actually, approached in a healthy manner this may be a time when she is very supportive BUT what did make things worse were your ACTIONS. It’s one thing to say, “””Darling I had a rough day with many thoughts about so-and-so but I played the whole tape through and see how bad I hurt so many people. I just want you to know that I love you and that I am having a rough day” and quite another to say “Honey, I’m having a rough day and I TOOK ACTIONS TO MAKE IT WORSE but I love you”

“””Is this normal to feel this way? Is this part of the process, ughhhh.”””

Yes, those are quite normal in the cycle of breaking any type of addiction. However, today you took negative actions. You need to continually do the next right thing. If you get to the point where you don’t know what the next right thing is, then start crossing off the list what you know to be the next wrong thing so you don’t do that. Reading stuff from the OW was not the next right thing to do, it will hurt your wife, and it did hurt you.

“””Need words of support here.”””

Love your wife with all you have. If you do that, then you don’t have time or room for the other.

You need to make a decision. If you want to make your M work then send a message to the OW and tell her how sick and wrong that the A was and you never want to see or hear from her again. If you want the OW then go home and tell your W that it is over, that you are going with the OW and you do not want to discuss the matter because the M is over. Then go get a lawyer and file for D immediately. It is not complicated if you really think about it. Pick one or the other and move in that direction immediately and completely. You owe this to the W.

The withdrawal you are experiencing is very real, very natural, and VERY common. Expect this to last for about a month or two... but it will get better over time.

What you miss about the OW is not necessarily HER, but the fantasy of what you both shared. There is a very chemical response to the 'in love' feelings you both shared, and those chemicals are HIGHLY addictive.

What you are going through is akin to shaking off a heroin addiction or quitting smoking. You will CRAVE for the substance, be cranky, be sad and depressed, lose hope that you will be able to make it or feel better...but give it time...you WILL feel better.

Everytime you have any type of contact...read email, txt msg, listen to voice mail, read old letters, ANYTHING, you start at zero again...


YOU CAN DO THIS!!! But don't make it harder for yourself. Don't relive the pain you've already gone through by going backwards and having any type of contact.

Yes, tell your BS. Let her help you. Ask for her help. If you feel like calling or emailing OW, email your W instead.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

Thanks, it helps, really it does. Still so much to go through and so many feelings involved, but like I said, didnt have a clue that it would be like this. I will tell my BS about this when she gets home, doesnt help that she just called and told me what a terrible day she had, and shes pretty upset with her job right now. ughhhh LostHusband thank you very much, youve been here since the very beginning of all this, and well, although I dont always like everything that you have to say, you do make a lot of sense and I do listen. Of course thanks to everyone that shares as well, all of them do help, and helps alot.

Please get that web site off your favorites list.

Please tell your wife that you went on and that you read the messages.

Please don't make a quick choice to leave your wife. There is a very real reason why statistically a relationship with the OW will not last. You do, however, have a chance with your wife. I'f Your lucky and work at it. I'm rooting for you!

((Naiser))

I can’t relate to having an affair but I can totally relate to breaking free from and going through withdrawal caused by an addiction. Just like an alcoholic’s drink this woman was your drug of choice.

When helping addicts recover they tell them to change their play mates and play grounds. So in your case, anyone who was involved in the affair is gone and any means used to carry out the affair needs to gone. You don’t see many recovering alcoholics hanging out in bars do you? Well just the same, chat rooms need to be gone from your life.

Another big thing is forming new healthier habits. If, let’s say, you chatted with OW everyday at 2:30pm, then find a new healthy habit to replace that with and practice it at the same time. It’s said that once you do something 7 times in a row, it becomes a habit. So if everyday at 2:30pm, instead of chatting with OW, you chose to write a poem to your wife and continued this like clockwork. That would be healthy replacement for an unhealthy behavior.

At all costs, right now it is imperative to your recovery that you stay away from temptation at all costs. If you can’t trust yourself on a computer, stay off of them except when you’re monitored. Everytime, you get an urge to call the OW call your wife. If that’s not practical, buy a pack of yellow sticky notes. When you feel that urge, write a little sticky note to your wife and put it up somewhere for her to find.

The point is to constantly and continuously do things that are positive to your recovery and subsequently the recovery of your marriage. And never forget that you are accountable for everything you do and everyone that you hurt.

If you have a little religion in you or are curious about it, read the book of James. It’s a smaller book in the Bible and offers some great insight on the rough times.

ps.... Next time you get all caught up in your head like that. Take a piece of paper and write down everything that you are grateful for. It's called a gratitude list. As you look at that list of things that you are grateful for, look at how many things would be taken away if you continue with the OW...