I have been reading this board and trying to deal with this horrible situation on my own, but I think it is time to tell my story and get some support from you.

My husband(age 44) and I (age 40) have been married for 16 years. We have three wonderful children DD (8) and twins DS(6) and DS (6).

On 1/10/05, my husband confessed to me that he has been having an affair with his 20 yr. old secretary! She is also married. She is someone that I liked and that babysat our kids on several occasions, even buying them Christmas presents. He didn't think that I loved him anymore and that OW said the things that he needed to hear (admiration) and they fell in love and into bed. The affair started around the middle of November, so had been going on about two months before D-day.

I immediately begged him to give me and our marriage another chance. He agreed, immediately fired his secretary, and I began showing more affection, having more SF, etc. We had many discussions about the affair. Of course, he would never tell the truth and would confess more when pushed. When I asked if he had any contact, he would deny.

WH continued to be cool and distant, only showing affection if I initiated, etc. On 3/18/05 after a conversation where I pushed him to tell me if he had any contact with her, he admitted he had talked to her a couple of times, but I could tell he was lying. The very next day I found OW's new work phone number on his cell. When confronted he confessed that they had been talking the past two weeks. When asked why all he could say was that he had a hole in his heart. I was devastated and began to realize that this was going to be a war.

I gained online access to his cell phone bill and saw that they had talked pretty regularly since Dday. But what really blew me away was how much they talked during Nov. and Dec. when the PA was going on!

He promised me again that he would not contact her again. I think this was when I realized I was now in official Plan A!

We went on vacation 3/25/05. WH had to fly home two days early due to business. I thought everything was going well. He seemed to be coming around.

On 4/11/05 I saw on the cell phone bill that OW had called my WH's partner's cell phone on the evening that WH flew home from vacation!! (WH's partner picked him up from the airport.) I immediately called WH. After first pleading ignorance, he confessed that they still talked on the phone and she had given him an ultimatum to choose her or me. WH said that he was 98% sure that he wants to stay in marriage, but just needed to be sure. I was devastated once again, but he came home that night and told me that he broke it off with her on the phone.

We did MC for three weeks but neither of us were impressed.

On 4/29/05 I go to my husband's office to use his computer and hit redial on his telephone and guess who answers. This is the first time that I have talked to OW. I ask her if she is still talking to my husband, does she really want to take our children's father from him. She says, No, that she hasn't talked to WH in two weeks. I tell her that I am calling her husband. I call my husband. He denies at first. Says that the call must be from when he called on 4/11 to break it off, that he always uses his cell even at the office. After pushing, he confesses that he has talked to her at least twice since 4/11. But now he knows that he wants our marriage and he is ready to be a good husband. I make him call her on the phone. He tells her that I am not calling her husband and that he loves me and is ending it with her. He agrees to see the MC by himself the next week.

Mid-May my daughter tells me that they saw OW and her husband at a local festival. WH says that he wanted to tell me they saw her but did not want to argue about it, that it was innocent, etc. He also admits that the "final" good-bye was actually in person and not on the phone after all.

In June we go on two-week vacation. We have a good time. I feel very secure knowing that they had NC at least while we were gone. WH is not acting great, but I think maybe it is just withdrawal. He seems alot more back to normal.

Around first of July I notice that he is cool/distant. We have very discouraging conversation that he still feels so lost and hopeless. He actually tells me that he prays everyday for God to show him that he made the right decision, but so far he just doesn't feel at peace. How sick is that??? I am convinced that Satan is working on him and tell him.

On July 6 during telephone conversation I ask him what is wrong, is he still cheating on me? He says we'll talk about it tonight. I talk to him later that day and tell him that if he is going to tell me about continued contact with her then maybe he shouldn't come home. He says that he has talked to her 4-5 times (using pay phones) during May/June and that he just doesn't know what to do. Says he is tired of living like this. I tell him just to stay away until he has made up his mind. He promises he will not be with her while he decides. I decide it is time for Plan B.

The next day (7/7) I try to call him. (I know I shouldn't but can't help myself.) I can't get an answer. They haven't seen him at the office. I try to call OW at her work and they say she won't be coming to work today. I called OW's home. Her husband answers and says he doesn't know where she is, that she left him last night. My heart dropped to the floor and I thought my husband was gone for good. I tell her husband about the affair. I feel so bad hurting him, but I probably should have told him earlier. He leaves threatening message on my husband's cell phone. My husband calls me.

He admits that he did go to dinner and spent the night at hotel with OW last night. He says the reason he has been acting so strange is that OW told him she was leaving her husband and that my husband needed to spend her 21st birthday with her (on 7/4) or not to call her again.

But being with her again has not felt right. He thought if he were meant to be with her that he would feel relief, but all he could think of were me and the kids and how much he loves us. He never thought of us when he was with her when the PA was going on last year. He says please let him come home. He knows that our life together is good and that he appreciates all the changes I have made these past six months. He sounds so sincere to me and so much like my old husband, that I agree to let him come home. He even tells me that I must have made some deposits into his love bank (he has been listening when I explained MB!!).

He meets her later that day to tell her that he will not be leaving me for her. She had a really bad day with her husband finding out and then my husband telling her good-bye. So sad for her (ha ha)!!

I call her the next day and tell her to leave my husband and my family alone. All she can say is OK. I don't know what I thought I would accomplish by calling her.

Since then my husband has been acting OK I guess. But it breaks my heart to see that he is hurting over her.

I talked to Steve Harley on Tuesday and my husband talked to him today. I registered us for a 7-week Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp. Has anyone ever tried this? Info is at marriagemax.com.

I talked to WH by phone today and asked if he has had contact with her. He said no, but I didn't think he was telling the truth, so I pushed. He admitted that she called him two days ago and said how sad she was and wanted him. He said he told her "Don't do this." and she hung up. I emphasized how important no contact is and if she contacts him that he is to immediately hang up and call me.

Anyway, if you're still reading, can you offer advice, encouragement? I suppose it is hopeful that he is doing this 7-week tele-boot camp with me and I should stick it out. But I am so so so tired of this. I haven't told anyone except one friend and my pastor about all of this, and the emotional strain is taking its toll on me.

Maybe I should have stuck with my Plan B idea and exposed him to everyone. I have wonderful parents/sister who live within 1/2 mile of me. I would have wonderful support from them and friends. But it just breaks my heart to think about telling the kids that their daddy won't be living here anymore.

Should I be hopeful that she is pushing and so far he is staying with me? I don't know if she is with her husband or not, but if WH were going to leave me for her, now would be the time I guess. I guess I should just continue with Plan A a while longer and hope this thing is over or fizzles out soon.

Any tips or support would be wonderful.

Welcome to MB. Didn't want to let your post slip by. Read up on plan A and b a little more. Exposing is part of plan A, not B. It is too bad you didn't expose to OWH sooner but at least now he knows the truth. At this point I would discourage you from any further contact with OW, it really does not good for you and feeds her need for attention. Plan A is about changing you and the problems you are responsible in the M and making yourself a more attractive spouse. Have you done the ENQ yet? Both you and your H should do so and start filling those EN's.

God's blessings to you.

I immediately started filling the ENs that he said I wasn't doing before. He says that I am doing a great job now and that is the only reason he is still here. He wonders if I am doing them out of love or desperation or if these changes are permanent.

He said that Steve Harley wants him to complete a form and fax it back to him. I think it is probably the ENQ.

I have the book, SAA, and I can't find anything in it about exposure, so I have tried to keep this whole thing secret. I'm sure that the people at his office know and the OWH told his whole family. My friend said that someone told her that the OW MIL knows about it.

LW, click here to read WAT's guidlines for betrayed spouses. On there you will find more information about plan A and B.

I think you are doing very well for such a difficult time.

For most marriage encounters, they require contact has ended and that both people are truely working on the marriage. Will he write a NC letter? You can send it out together.

I have told him several times that I would like for him to do a NC letter, but he thinks it is unnecessary. When he really decides what he wants (which he is sure now he says), he will be able to break all contact.

He has even told OW that I want him to do a letter, so she will just know that I made him do it.

I don't know. Maybe I will strongly ask for for him to write the letter this weekend.

Does anyone have opinions on the age difference? My WH is 44, OW is 21.

I just cannot see how this could possibly be a long term relationship. Surely she would want to have children. I cannot see my husband wanting to start over with a new baby. Plus, we had IVF to have our children due to his low sperm count and he had a vasectomy after the twins were born.

I wish she would get discouraged that he hasn't left home yet and move on with her life. Wishful thinking?

Sometimes I wish that I had kicked him out on 1/10 and not put myself through this whole mess.

I just have to keep thinking about the kids and trying to keep our family together even though he is not.

lwarren, exposure is a big element of Marriage Builders principles. Steve Harley has recommended doing everything short of taking out a billboard. Exposure is probably the most effective tool in your arsenal because an affair thrives on secrecy. It is a fantasy that looks ridiculous when exposed to the light of day. When the WS is put in a position to have to explain his affair, he suddenly sees how foolish he looks to others. It takes all the wind out of the affair and causes HUGE conflict and embarrassment.

I would suggest making a list of your close family and friends and expose to them. I would also expose this affair to her parents since she is so young. Tell them your marriage is in trouble and you would like their moral support and prayers. I would then stay in constant touch with the OW husband so you can keep each updated and hopefully bust up this affair.

I wouldn't push the NC letter, because your H's response to that request tells me he is far from done with the OW. If he were done with the affair, he would readily agree to send the letter. He is not close to done, I am sad to say. That is why I believe you need to get to work to bust up this affair via exposures. It is your best weapon, lwarren.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, my friend, I am sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mel:

I must say this is worrisiome in that I agree wholeheartedly with what you state above. WTF is this world coming to?

This affair is FAR FROM over. There will have to be MAJOR exposure and probably a Plan B thrown in.

To the original poster, I would heed Ms Lanes advice and expose this affair NOW as in TONIGHT. This is not near over and each day you "keep it quiet" you actually "fuel" the affair. You are cutting your own self at the knees here.

YOur situation is "textbook". That is good, because there are tried and true remedies for you in place.

BOL,

Sourmale.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This is getting downright disgusting, LM! I so liked one of your comments yesterday that I added it to my signature. What is the world coming to?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Last night, WH told me that OW had called him on his way home from work. She was angry and yelling at him. He hung up and she continued to call back, but he did not answer. She did leave a message, but it was just crying and no words. He saved it so that I could hear it. He thinks that this is the peak of her grief and anger and that she will not call him again, but he will let me know if she does. He agreed to do the NC letter. I tried to stay calm and thanked him for being honest with me.

I know that you think that exposure is the thing to do. But, her husband has spread it all over town. I think that my telling our family will harm my and their relationship with my husband.

He has told me that the time has come to end it. He is ready for this whole nightmare to end and has committed to full recovery of our marriage.

If I find evidence of the affair continuing, it is time for me to ask him to leave. I know that, and I will go to Plan B.

lwarren, if he has truly ended his affair with the OW, then I would do as you plan. But if he has not, I would suggest telling his family. Exposure may work better than Plan B and I would not go into Plan B until you have exhausted all options. Plan B, while a neccessity, increases the risk of divorce.

Exposure to his parents will not harm their relationship, the AFFAIR will. And it should. Affairs hurt families, that is just a fact of life. But exposure can also very well provide just the needed pressure to end it and wake him up. And if the affair is not ended soon, it will end in divorce and you won't be able to hide his dirty secret then.

I hope you do contact her parents, though. That could put enormous pressure on her. Or at the very least explain to her H that it would be helpful if he did. Does the OWH know she is still calling him?

P.S. Why is he taking her calls AT ALL?

If the affair has not ended, I want a separation for myself.

I haven't talked to her husband again. But as far as I know she is not living there. She is living with her mom in another town, but still working here.

Her mom has known about this the whole time. I'm afraid if I call her mom or her husband, they might tell OW and this will encourage her because she might think I am not confident that the affair is over.

I really just want to focus on my kids and my relationship with my husband.

Why is he taking her calls AT ALL? Good question. I asked him last night. He continues to feel badly about ruining her life, losing her job, her husband, breaking her heart. I empathized to him again the importance of no contact and honesty with me. Hopefully she won't call again.

(((( lw ))))

Since you asked, my WH is 50 and the OW is 29 !! She unfortunately is not married. I would say that perhaps my WH is going through some kind of MLC, but I doubt it. He knows that other women find him attractive. I feel that my WH started this affair for the same reasons that your WH said. I was not fulfilling his needs, it was a bad situation at home. This I know.

At the very least, your WH is admitting to this A. That is a huge start. Something to work with and from. My WH denies and denies which only leads me to feel that the A is still continuing. In my case, yes absolutely.

You are not alone in your grief, hon.

If you are a Christian woman, get on your knees and pray for help. There are bigger powers out there who have much much more control over the situation.

take care - carnation

Carnation,

Thank you for sharing your story. I think maybe my husband is in some kind of MLC too.

Yes, I pray all the time. That has been what has kept me going. Just last night, I was reading my daily devotional. It said something like when you can trust no one else, remember to say to yourself "In God I Trust". It gave me such peace before going to sleep. I know that no matter which way this thing goes, God will give me strength and I will survive.

lw - When you think that you can not bear just one more second of all the pain - actually *give* it to God. This has helped me so much. Put both of your arms up in the air towards heaven, and ask God to take it from you. Please, you deal with it, it is too much for me to bear.

Trust me, you will actually FEEL the pain and weight leave your fingertips. Try it, you will like it !!

Carnation - just trying to help as much as I can