A week ago, as I was preparing to leave town on business, two burly guys appeared on my doorstep. I opened the door. One says they are from "Welfare." The second adds, "Welfare fraud."

They are looking for my beloved (WH? XH? not sure anymore)...

I told them he wasn't here. Hadn't been for two years. I went on my computer to give them his address. They are looking over my shoulder as I go on the internet. I notice that OW is using his last name. Presumably, they see this also. I explain that he has filed for D, but I haven't received the final forms.

I give them his new street address. They say, "We already have it." Then why were they here? I explained that I had not spoken with him in over a year. (Emails through attorneys don't count.)

For those who may recall, I finally blocked his email address several months ago, during the D process, on the day he sent me four emails in one day, all demanding that I do things that had already been done, and which his lawyer could have told him were either unnecessary or completed. This had crossed the line from communication to harrassment. Some will say that I should have blocked his email a year and a half ago, when I went into Plan B. But I kept a small line of one-way communication open. (They both looked embarrassed when they saw me later...I wonder if OW had a hand in the emails.)

Now, OW has taken on the care of an elderly woman of our acquaintance who is losing her mind. That makes three of them. Not my idea of a love nest, but so be it. The only problem is that, to my knowledge, OW is officially a "visitor" to this country. Since my WH/XH/Whatever is disabled, care of the elderly obviously can't occur in his name either. Perhaps he decided to use my address, to make things look more normal than using OW's house -- which might draw attention to her foreign status...and I wonder if there are other illegalities, besides the fake green card marriage in her past (and she's a lesbian, too).

People say that OW is starting to act weirder, and there was an unconfirmed rumor that she returned to her native clime to seek psychiatric help. All of this unverified -- perhaps speculation. Bilateral yelling has been heard at their abode, as well as the unilateral cursing WH/XH/WE is able to do on his own.

I don't know what the story is. At a social gathering following the visit from the officials (he wasn't arrested, at least), he seemed like he was trying to get my attention (OW wasn't there) -- pushing past me obviously when he didn't need to, etc. For the first time in two years, he greeted my daughter as if nothing had happened -- she told me she chilled him.

OW still does minorly harrassing things, to make sure I notice her. But I expect they are having big time problems of their own by now. Especially if this is attracting legal attention. And this is just the part I see. I expect there is lots more behind the scenes. Last few times I have seen him in public, he has been alone.

A friend told me that the official visit could mean nothing -- two different addresses popped up on the computer. Still...it all seems odd to me. And certainly not like the man I used to know.

Even the propane man told me that our accounts had become mixed up, and I was being penalized for their delinquent account. This is NOT like him -- he was always very careful about bills. The gas man had a look on his face like, "What's going on over there?" Their dog is vicious, he says, and implied the household is weird.

But that's just a little bit of the flotsam and jetsom that floats to my shore -- from what I take is a wreckage far, far out at sea. I am concerned, obviously, but mostly this is pretty remote. I still get angry -- and his kids and mine are even more angry, I think. But silence has been best (Melody, your message #9177 is masterful, and good advice.)

Input welcome...though I don't know what there is to say at this point... I just wonder if I'm missing anything. Is there something I should be doing that I'm not?

It's all so SAD. He is a man who has a degree from a big-deal university, who used to have dignity and self-respect, and he's just becoming smaller and smaller and smaller...the incredible shrinking man.

This has a very high creepy index.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Kind of like watching a Greek tragedy ....

Greek tragedies aren't creepy. They're noble.

There's very little nobility in this, alas. I'm doing my best, but your #9177 helps. No dripping sarcasm, no arch comments, no showing my cards ... just silence, and the slow, rhythmic lapping of the wreckage to the shore.

fatal flaw is what i was thinking..

what the hell is #9177 ... ????

Your post #9177.

where might I find that # ????

I gotta go read me

In Coach's thread...about not being sarcastic and shutting up.

Fatal flaw? I guess. But I don't know what it is. The way I think of it is that it's like watching a piece of fabric left in a bowl of bleach for several days. It just dissolves into nothing.

are you drunk?

LOL

AM,

Welfare fraud??!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Hm.....what a WS won't do for the love of an A. LOL!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

So they are resorting to pinning stuff on you? Thought they didn't like you? Their morals are lower than dirt and it seems they are willing to stoop into the poop to get by. Hm.... that means you can smell 'em coming a mile away. That should give you enough time to get out of the way.

So what did those 2 guys do? U didn't finish your story.

L.

The two guys disappeared into the fine morning and I never found out what happened. Since I have no contact, there's no way I'm going to find out.

Knowing my whatever, he's not likely to talk to anyone about whatever it was.

It may have just been a confusion of addresses, but that doesn't smell right.

When I said, "I haven't talked to him in over a year," one of the guys said, "Lady, I don't blame you."

________________________

are you drunk?

LOL
________________________


Only on gazpacho. But it's an idea.

bwhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

aam,

Glad to hear an update from you.

Gosh what a dingdang mess!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Perhaps you should get this D happening, (and you know I don't say that lightly) so 'whatever' will do no further damage to your life.

It is so sad to hear WS has come to this low point in his life.

I know you are doing all you can to protect yourself. Sounds like WS is doing a downward spiral.

You are a smart girl. I know you are stepping back from all of this and doing the HEALTHY thing.

Oh, and has anyone told you lately that you are the BEST? And yes, you are WORTHY of the best in life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Stay on the high road!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

That IS weird.

I'm a little confused. You haven't talked to him in over a year? But you attend social functions when the he and OW are also there?

These guys came by your house and then later you were at a "social occasion" with him?

Susan

could you call your local welfare department and find out more information.

Sounds like ow and wh are losing it. Oh, so sad.

Miss M, good to hear from you. We are, I believe, "legally separated," so the mess won't rub off on me. I'll let him to the dirtywork for a D, as always. He can tie his own noose.


Susan, familiar story. It's a small town. I can't avoid them without closeting myself in my own house. It's a drag, but there are few options other than moving (which is an option in about a year). I believe we were at a concert or something when I saw them.



I thought of that, but I doubt they'd give me information. There is a good chance this is nothing, or very little -- just some confusion in the forms. On the other hand, I know of at least three or four prosecutable lies they are telling that could emerge in the investigation.



Wrong tense. Lost it long ago. Perhaps she never had it. And all he can do is control, control, control. Act calm, pretend everything is under control, when I know it can't be. And pretty much everyone will be fooled until there's a mess on the carpet.

Months ago, in an email during the D process, at the tail end of a long letter about dividing possessions, he apologized, and said: "I have made a mistake, and you are having to pay for it." My friends wanted to twist and read that as maybe marrying ME was the mistake, etc., so things could look other than they are. But I knew this was a big deal. He never admits making a mistake. And I think we both knew what the mistake was.

But admitting a mistake isn't fixing a mistake. And, as I said in PBL, I won't talk to him while his mentally unstable OW is in the picture, with her drama. I know it will be a big deal for him to move out of her house -- physically he'll need a lot of help, and from the admission of failure p.o.v. -- but that's what it will take for me to even lift up the phone when I hear his voice on the machine.

I'm not even looking forward to the day anymore.

In any case, until then ... silence.

Wow.

A.M., it amazes me that after all this time, strange things still occasionally show up on your shores. I hope you're well. Are you finding useful and rewarding things to do with your time? I hope that life is filled with fun and laughter and new and interesting things to learn, and that you're enjoying every moment of it.

Well, I wouldn't go that far...

Hello, Just J! Good to hear from you. My life is somewhat harrowing, especially financially. My daughter and stepkids are wonderful, I'm building new friendships, and, professionally, there has been much that has been VERY rewarding, though not lucrative, alas. My life is changing, not always in ways I would have predicted. There is much uncertainty, and it is very scary.

I don't believe in magic turnarounds. They are usually a fraud -- switching around externals to make it look like something big and important is happening. I believe in slow rebuilding, reconstructing one's thinking and one's world along sounder lines. It doesn't look dramatic from the outside, but it feels much ... cleaner.

I love him very, very deeply. But I can see he's going the way he needed to go, the way he was pulling to go ... and I don't want to join him there, where he is now. I know I'm better off without him. I know he's headed for a big-time crash -- his self-destructive impulses are coming to an unpleasant fruition, I suspect. But I prefer to worry about things I can do something about.

So this is the end of Plan B -- just like the book says. It's sad in many ways, but offers great emotional richness and integrity. I wish things were other than they are, but I have no regrets.

AM, this is all to bizarre-O…sounds like he’s been snatched by a cult…only a cult needs more then one…to be a cult…right? So maybe it’s just cult like…

Say here’s an idea…why worry?…Why even ponder the need to worry?…Do a Coach…when in doubt RUN! LOL…Vacate the premise for a while…head up to New England…

Do you know that there are parts of Main for example…that folks up there claim…have never been explored?...It’s called the Allegash…(spelling?) But how cool is that? Can you imagine…all that fresh, pristine atmosphere and virgin territory? Un spoiled by WW’s and WHs? LOL (Unless we count wayward moose and/or those little Black Bears…but there faithful I’m told.)

I’m telling you AM, New England is a refreshing experience. And if you’re an academic what better place to be? And Main is very cost efficient place to be…I mean the place is almost as cheap as Mississippi…it doesn’t get much better then that unless you end up in Central America! Until I decided to come back to Florida and face the music…Main was my next destination…way up north on the coast…toward Nova Scotia…was my plan. People in these regions just seem to have so much dignity. Such self reliance and self respect.

And AM here’s a bonus for you…no welfare fraud folks up in New England…New Englanders…as a rule…don’t believe in welfare…sooooo…but you know what? I guess it doesn’t matter…Where you go to or run to?...In the end it just doesn’t matter…Because in the end…we all still end up having to face down the villains and thieves in our lives…weather real or imagined…weather they are to be found with in us or in those around us…and I guess when it comes to doing the “facing down?”…One place is just as good as another to be doing it. I just wonder how long it finally takes…until it doesn’t hurt anymore.
Coach

Ohhhhhhh, coach. You don't know how weirdly perspicacious your remarks are.

I work in and with academia, but I'm not an academic. If you knew what I did for a living, and how poorly it is remunerated, how much of a fraction of an income of yours I make, despite the national recognition I get for what I do...you would understand my sitch somewhat. My income was a second income, a glory income, so I could be a support to an alpha male. (I wanted to make him proud of me; now friends are telling me he probably felt threatened by me.) Now it won't stretch to cover a household and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere for the time being.

As many here already know, I'm choosing to stay stuck so my kid can finish high school. I am determined her life will not be uprooted again...and that means eating a lot of drek...lots and lots. I have also tried to be a support to stepkids -- now young adults, but who nonetheless need the example of adults who know why they are alive and what they are living for.

They have not seen their father in seven months. They have dinner with me once a week. I wanted to make the statement that my caring for them did not end with his caring for me. Statements sound simple in principle -- but they can take years to make. It requires consistency, as well as principle. I'm so sick of my principles. You can't eat them. You can't pay the rent with them.



Tell me about it. I'm so tired of all this. But the last act may not be done. Sometimes it takes years. The pain gets duller, and more diffuse. Yes, yes, yes, I'd love to fly away somewhere. A foreign city. Even New England, which I love. All those little forgotten burgs in Massachusetts where Emerson wrote and Bronson Alcott taught.

I'll have to delete most of this later, to maintain my anonymity in case this thread is "audited" by principals (unlikely, but I'm paranoid). I can't guarantee it if I shoot my mouth off too much.