Hi All!
Am brand new to this forum and am really glad to find you all!
H and I have been married for 15 yrs. Three months ago I had very strong suspicions that he was at least attracted to someone else. (in all these years the thought never crossed my mind that we would be in any danger of an A - too nieve on my part and I have never been jealous or non trusting) He bowls with this woman and we have all been friends. Somehow it hit me like a bolt of lightening when he went out to meet she and a another girlfriend that we both know well for a drink. Several comments throughout a couple of years even by him that were somewhat incriminating came flooding in on me big time. I was devistated even to think that he might have an emotional attachment to her.

Of course I did the wrong thing by confronting him as he said he would never do anything like that to hurt me. When I confronted him for the 1st time, he broke down and cried like a baby saying "I didn't want this to happen, I don't want to loose you." Later on though he said he didn't want me to "think" there was anything going on - that's what he didn't want to happen. That they are just friends. Over the next few months there were many fights about this and finally I left for a month (after being told to leave as he firmly said he would be friends with whoever he wanted to - I was not going to control him - etc., etc.)

At this point we are trying to make a fresh start (after much convincing by him that there was never even an attraction.) He has agreed to quit the bowling team if I was so uncomfortable with it.

The zinger is I have found (by accident as I always have in the past)
her new email address written down in the office that I know wasn't there before - and I haven't even been home a week......back to square one I guess with trying to keep my mouth shut and my eyes open.

Am I making too much of this? Sometimes I feel consumed with it all. Somehow even though there has been no solid proof (some calls to her on his cell before I left - of which he admits to as they are "friends") I also feel like I've blown it by opening my mouth in the first place without anything solid.(if there IS anything going on he will be very careful now!) The close friends that I have confided in think it is an emotional thing and nothing physical - maybe an attraction that I have nipped in the bud. Whatever it is, I have been through so much emotional hell with this that I find it hard to trust him even with no solid proof. (not my nature, have NEVER been like this before!)

Sorry this is such a looooong post but I had to give some background. Any thoughts from you all? HELP!!

Thanks!
Tarehurts

Tarehurts

Sorry to meet you under these circumstances but this site has many good people who will help you!

From what you said in you post my opinion is yes there is something going on and still going on sadly to say. It is very difficult for any person to maintain a long term relationship with the opposite sex separate from their spouse without some attachment occurring. There is and are many signs occurring that signal this and I am sure situations you can point to that do not smell right! If you suspect this to be the case then there is a very good chance that is the case. You may have scared them but this will probably wear off and they could become more covert in their actions.
Keep a very watchful eye on him if you can. If he is indeed in an affair you cannot believe anything he tells you concerning this friendship.
If you have access to the office computer he uses you may want to consider purchasing Keylogging software, installing it on that computer and monitor his on-line activity. Be advised you may see and read some stuff that confirms your suspicion but non-the-less will devastate you.
Be prepared!
Here is an thread explaining keyloggers.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1260464
Read through the thread explaining all products and options.

SM

I'm sorry, it sounds like at the very least your hubby is involved in an EA.

Read about plan A on here for advice on how to stop this affair.

You are not making to much of any of this. In fact, I'm so glad you are opening your eyes.

Install a key logger, hire a pi if affordable to you. Or just plain snoop, that's what I did. If your good with your computer, it doesn't take much.

Find your evidence, but be prepared, this probably is a PA too. They usually are.

When you get your evidence, expose, and tell the ow's husband, or anyone else who's opinion matters to your husband.

This is the worst, I know, get some AD if you need them. I sure did.

Hi SM!
Thanks so much for the reply and the help. I was starting to think that this had become an unfounded and unreasonable obsession with me, as I am not basically an untrusting or possessive person - never have been, and in the past he has given me no reason to be.

At this point I have sooo many mixed emotions. He is going out of his way to convince me that I am the only one in his life and always have been and always will be but when I found her email address it all came flooding back. I am shaking as I write just thinking about it!

While I was gone a mutual friend that I confided in told a mutual good friend of hers so I know by this time she is aware of my suspicions. Am wondering if she is innocent why she would not try to talk to me about this and confirm their innocents?----Or am I trying to read too much into her reactions.

We own a business together and it would be very messy if there was a divorce.

I have also found her cell phone # on his cell but this time under initials that have no connection to her name, whereas before I left him for awhile, her number was in her name.

We only have one computer that is online so we both use it, however, I have established a free email for myself that he has no idea about. I have read about "keylogger" from other articles online but don't know if it would work with just one computer. Have any knowledge of this? Also, I am sure now after he knows that I have strong suspicions that he is deleting his cell calls, if in fact he is calling her. Any way how could I find out about that?

NEXT IMPORTANT ISSUE IS HOW I WILL DEAL WITH DEVASTATING INFORMATION IF I DO FIND IT! Guess I must have some sort of a plan of action. Any ideas about that?

Am soooo glad to have found you all!

Thanks and Blessings!
Tarehurts77 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi Vivivanviv,
I so appreciate the feedback! Excuse my ignorance but I am still trying to decode all the initial abbreviations. By PA you are refering to "Past Affair"? And by AD you are refering to "Anxiety Drugs"? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Sorry and I can't thank you enough for helping me realize I am not really crazy!

Blessings,
Tarehurts77

You Are so not the crazy one.
Your hubby might very well be.

PA: physical affair
AD: Anti-depressents

This will be a rough ride, please try to focus on your health, your kids if you have any. I used to just cry and cry after d-day, discovery day. The AD really helped me stay sane. And think more clearly. You'll need your witts.


You can install the logger on one computer. Please do. Request copies of his cell bill. Do you have online access to his cell bill? Could you request the past three months?

I'm not sure on the logger thing. I never installed one, but a lot of people here do, and I'm pretty sure you can on just one.

Thanks V,
I know I need to focus on myself and on my health. We have one daughter that is now married and out of state with her own young family (4 & 2 yrs.)

I need also to look at "plan A" and absorb it.....and pray alot. Thank God for you all and for a very dear friend of 25 years who has been thru this herself.

I think at this point the marriage is worth saving but I am trying to take it one day at a time. I will look into the logger to see what I need to do. I am determined to get at the truth even if it is something I don't want to know. My dear friend says to try to keep my mouth shut and eyes open. And not to be nieve.

Love and Blessings to you all,
Tarehurts77

Tarehurts

DO NOT THINK YOURSELF AS BEING NUTS!!!!
What you are feeling about this possible\probable affair is normal, and the mixed emotions within you are also normal!
My Gosh Tare.... Your Husband, Your Lover, Your lifelong companion, The Father of your children, has possibly betrayed you for a fantasy.
What do you expect you should feel like suspecting this?
---------------------------------------------------------

Considering your suspicions are on the table with your husband and mutual friend, chances are the OW, (other woman) knows to. As mentioned in my first post they both are probably scared and lying low hoping this will blow over. The affair will rekindle if there are no serious consequences for either of them. Since the affair was not over when it was partially uncovered you can almost bet they are in communication of some form but this communication may well hidden.
You need to for your sake continue digging until you are satisfied about what happened between them. Take steps to protect yourself and your mutual business. You also should not trust anything he says at this point. What I mean by that is "trust but verify".

As far as Keylogging software.....
Yes it can be used on one machine but you will have to have occasional access to that machine in order to set it up and maintain the information it collects. The link I provided before has several keyloggers listed in it.
I listed two of them and MelodyLane listed one she used.
Again I say be prepared for what you may read and find out.

Another consideration would be if this: If this is the only machine you two have then it is possible your husband is also reviewing your browser history and my know what you have written here at marriage builders.

Lastly... When and if you find out your suspicions are true you will need to have a plan for confrontation, no contact and recovery expectations.
Spend some time reading through the material provided on this website and you will start to develop a feel for designing a plan "A" which will fit your specific needs.

Tare, You may be headed down a long emotional path with many hills and valleys. If you find yourself on this rollercoaster path do not be afraid to post you questions, feelings, or current outrages here at MB (Marraige Builders).

SM

Thanks S,

I discovered yesterday that this email address that I found is not really the OW. It actually belongs to my sister (they have the same 1st name and same initials) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> So glad I was able to keep this info under my hat until I verified, HOWEVER, after thinking it thru I really don't think he would be that stupid as to leave her email address laying around in our office. (thus, you are so correct about them laying low-and I am quite sure she is aware of all this thru our mutual friend) I am next going to go into our cell phone account online to see what I can find out.

Meanwhile I am doing not a bad job at depositing into his love bank. Boy! This is tough but I am sure it might get ALOT tougher! This site and you all are a blessing from heaven for me!

Love and Blessings,
Tarehurts77

A P.S. on that last post from me. I always clear my history after leaving the site. I have the web address in my head so it is not even written down anywhere.

Tarehurts77

I am determined to get at the truth even if it is something I don't want to know. My dear friend says to try to keep my mouth shut and eyes open.


I am proud of you!

Quote:
I have also found her cell phone # on his cell but this time under initials that have no connection to her name, whereas before I left him for awhile, her number was in her name.

My wife did the same thing. She had her other man's number under four different names on speed dial in hopes that not only would I not know she was talking to him, but also so that I wouldn't question why she talked to any one person so much.

Like you I was once a very trusting person - like the saying goes "not a jealous bone in my body". My wife has destroyed my ability to trust anyone. Don't think for a second that your crazy. Trust your gut - if there was no reason for you to be suspicious you wouldn't be.

Cruz

I just want to throw in my two cents... TRUST YOURSELF!

I had many thoughts and intuitions that I waxed over cause he would beg and cry and SWEAR he was not in an A... and was lying straight through his teeth!! Never again will I allow someone make me think that *I* am crazy or obssessed!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I was so dead on with everything it isn't even funny!! I "felt" it and I knew it... I just let him talk me out of it a few too many times!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Also, don't be surprised hum submersive they can be... OW gave my WH a tracfone so they could communicate w/o me knowing...except he left it visible a few times!! He would call me up to "reassure" me and then call her up to come on over.... when they are in the fog they can be really, really devious!!!

Be very wary!! Good luck and God Bless!