Shelly,

Just kidding. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> The one constant thing is never to rile up a BS. Re: They have too many MB supporters who will coach them on how to spar and babble with a WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Of course! Hopefully K will be able to get thru to her H that posting pics of your wife on sex sites is something one should not do, although i guess one shouldnt have to tell anyone that.

he says it is the same thing as me posting on here, that everyone here knows our whole life story, and it is no different. He said that I left it up here for me to see.. Why????

Orchid thanks for offering to talk tonight. H's friend is going home and me being on the phone would not go over well.

So he's trying to pay you back for unburdening yourself on here? its different because you are not looking to have a 3 way and you didnt post your pic! i think orchid may have been right about me, hmmmm j/k K.

Orchid: Now is the time to let him know in as calm a voice as possible that his statement is very stupid. No yelling, just make the comment.


Orchid: I certainly understand. Let me know when you want the #. Many others are posting to you. Support for you is here. Support for him right now as he is, isn't. I understand he m/b readying this. What he has babbled is old hat to most of us. Hurts but old used stinky babble.

He certainly doesn't sound like a smart WS or Xws. The H in him s/b pissed at his current actions. Pass on that message.

Expect him to get irrate and have a tantrum. Just make sure you and your family are in a safe place when he does. There's always..........hm....what does a sane adult do when a child is having a tantrum? Hm.... I recall telling one WS (close to home no less) that if he was going to have a tantrum, I'd make a special trip to the store to get his size of 'depends'. LOL!!! Every time he acted up, I'd start for the store. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Actually K, it is not that different.

While most of us think what he did was deviant, he may have a problem with you posting here. And that is also wrong if it crosses HIS boundary.

He may be closeminded and forming an opinion of this site that is wrong. Not having looked at it at all. And there are descriptive differences between what he has done and what you are doing. But that is just trappings.

In a healthy marriage, if this site bothered him, YOU should give it up for EXACTLY the same reasons.

However, that does NOT make it OK for him to "pay you out." And therein lies the rub. You may be crossing his boundary by coming on this site, but I do not expect that you are doing so with malice. My guess is that you come here out of desperation to grow and be better. My guess is that he is "paying you out" with malice in his heart. THAT is a big problem. Explain it to him that way. Has he looked at this site before forming his opinion?

NCW

NCWalker is the voice of reason. K, listen to him. He is giving you sage advise.

Me.....I'm just fuming mad at your H right now. ARrrrgh....
L.

Ditto!

Kmej,

Just wanted to let you know I w/b here to help where and when I can. Right now I am gonna step away and go do something like clean the toilets.....great time to get that agression out of me. LOL!!! I just detest hurtful babble. That sticks 'n stones rhyme is crap. Words do hurt.

take care,
L.

Give those toilets HELL Orchid!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Orchid/Shelly,

Don't get me wrong. The desire in me to beat the crapola out of this guy is strong. My personal "code" thinks what he did was inexcusable. I mean, if I took one of YOUR pictures and did this to YOU, I would almost expect a beating from your husbands. Most would say they acted rightly. But that doesn't make it "right" for everyone.

KMEJ,

It is OK to be horrified. I am. But approach him with calm. The only time anger EVER solves anything is when it comes to blows and one party defeats the other. If it doesn't come to blows, there might be a "winner," but do you think the loser goes away with their mind changed? Heck no.

You said it right when you said he would keep doing it without your knowledge. Unless he is compassionate as to WHY it bothers you, it is unlikely he will change. Anger will not engender that compassion in him. Usually has the opposite effect (the ol' "I'll show HER.")

You are in a sticky spot. Go with the malice line. If you have to, apologize for crossing his boundary. But ask him to explain to you WHY what he did was not malicious, or at the least in VERY poor taste. There is a lot that could be said. If he doesn't see the rightness, what is his motivation to change? If you "make" him, it will also make him resent you. See?

If he doesn't change, well you have ANOTHER choice to make. Between your personal boundaries and your marriage. And that one sucks.

Will pray for you,
(actually, people have asked me to, you have quite a lot who care about you, KMEJ)

NCWalker

NC i was kidding, trying to lighten the mood.

edited to add: even though I know this is serious, it just blows my mind to think someone would do something like that to their spouse and then counter it with that lame [censored] excuse. K knows im pulling for her, dontcha K?

KMEJ,

Ugh. I was not going to log in tonight either, but then I saw your posts. I want to address a couple of things. First, his posting YOUR picture and ADVERTISING you on a website is totally different than you posting anonymously for marital advice. If he tells you any different, then he is full of it. If you accept responsibility for his posting your pic (ie - you allow him to say it is the same as you posting, and that's why he's doing it).....well, then you're doing no better at improving this M than he is.

Stop accepting responsibility for his actions.

I also read your other post about how he read your MB posts, and was hurt. You immediately countered with "I hurt his feelings." But people here know that only YOU are responsible for YOUR feelings. You can't MAKE someone feel a certain way. He is responsible for feeling hurt.

And let's face it....sometimes the truth hurts!

But that story also brings out some other issues. If he read things here that 'hurt' him, then radical honesty is not being practiced in your household. He should not have read anything here that you wouldn't have told him or addressed at home. That's the point of radical honesty - to improve communication and intimacy in the M. And again - if you accept responsibility for his feelings being hurt by the TRUTH that was posted here......well, then again you are doing no good in helping this M.

Stop accepting responsibility for his feelings.

Finally (and MR KMEJ, I hope you read this), your H is an emotional abuser and manipulator. He does not respect your boundaries or your feelings. He turns every one of his actions and choices around on you to make it 'your fault'. THAT pisses me off. But what also chaps my hide is that you accept that. You cower to him in order to 'make him happy' - and where has that gotten this M? Absolutely NOWHERE in the past year you have been posting.

You are both continuing the same patterns from the same broken M. And to be honest, it's not doing either of you any good.

KMEJ - love is an action. It is respect, honesty, care, and commitment. Your H does none of this for you. He DOES NOT treat you in a loving manner. He manipulates things so that you will do what he wants. He doesn't want you to post here, b/c it doesn't support his control of you. So he will say YOU hurt his feelings, and he will 'make it' so that you do not post here anylonger. BOOM! There ya have it! He's got control again. You (once again) don't have anyone to talk to. You won't grow as a person, and he won't have to change. He already has managed to alienate your family and friends. Now your online friends, and supporters. KMEJ.....please wake up and see.

I'm sorry, but this has really got me up in arms. Both with you and him. You know, my H and I used to alternate 'victim' roles in our M. And it wasn't until both my counseling group and his IC accused me of taking the 'victim role' that I truly understood where I had messed up in my M. I never stood up for myself. I accepted responsibility for every emotion my H felt. I let him blame me for everything. I became everything he wanted me to be b/c I wanted him to be happy.

I was taking the 'victim' role by ALLOWING it to happen. I see the same thing with you, KMEJ. Your H respects you NO MORE than he did when he 'supposedly' ended his A.

I will only say this once to you KMEJ. YOU deserve respect. YOU deserve to be treated in a loving manner. YOU deserve dignity. YOU deserve to be heard. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. But YOU have to fight for it....not by putting up with it, and meekly 'asking' or 'persuading' him to change. But by setting boundaries and STANDING UP for them. Many of us have discussed this before with you.

Why continue to allow yourself to be denigrated by him? Is he really worth giving up every ounce of self respect and self esteem for?

My thought would be NO.....you are worth far better than that. And if he doesn't see that......well, then that's his problem. But if you don't stand up for what you are worth.....unfortunately, hon, that's your problem.

Love you in spite of how harsh this post is, and how angry I am. You're a good girl, I know.

Well if you were kidding, you should have said:

K, if H thinks it is such a joke, give him a good, stiff kick right in the **** and say, "Hey, they resembled a cute little punching bag, thought it would be funny." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sorry Shelly, should have read more carefully.

And KMEJ, I agree with NCW....don't approach your H with anger , approach him with self confidence . There is a huge difference. It's the distinction of blame, vengence, and lashing out vs. setting a strong boundary, being true to that boundary, and following through.

It took me a little while to learn that, as well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I kinda did, i told her to post his pic on a gay site and see how he liked that! oh wait i was serious <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

However, i think Orchid may have the cleanest toilets on the planet when she gets done with 'em!

Calm down to a low simmer. You want to have some fury just below the calm. His actions are wholly inappropriate and has nothing to do with loving, honoring or cherishing you. It's not even a good joke. Maybe if you wanted to get back at someone you really didn't like, but not someone you love. He's old enough to know better.

Put it in perspective. Is this how you see me? As a piece of meat to lure potential sickos? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Act a little hurt too. The guilt may just eat at him enough <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

okay sorry about the delay in posting. I talked with H last night very calmly and hurt. I asked him
"What is this?"
and he played the old game of what is what, and I do not know what you are talking about..... then when he saw what I was talking about he laughed, and promptly shut down the computer, only to reboot it a few minutes later. I asked over and over why he had done this, and he said because it is funny. I asked why he had to use my picture, he said why not??? I continued to repeat "why?" calmly, and he kept thinking it was a big joke. Stateing that this is no different then me bad mouthing him on here. I was not intentionally bad mouthing him, I was trying to imporove things my coming here. The thing is nothing he read on here should have been news to him, as I had stated everything except that I was thinking about divorce to him. He told me if this is how I feel that he does not care anymore and that we should get divorced then....

Then he proceeded to show me all the men that "want me" in addition to the women. I told him I did not like it and wanted him to delete me off of this site. He said no, that it was funny. That I am looking for sex her, (SO NOT) so he thought he would help me out.... =^(

He is upset with me, I am hurt from his actions. He is not speaking to me more then a few clip words to my questions, and we have not been within 2 feet of each other in days. This does not look good.

KMEJ.....

hey there....


it is not the same thing as you coming here.....

this is a MARRIAGE building site...


what is a married man doing over at a SEXSEARCH site?



in the states, an ex bf of some poor woman he did this to is going to jail and making financial restitution to her....

the poor woman had total strangers calling and harassing her...showing up at her door!!!!


IT IS ILLEGAL.

FELONY.


Your identity has been 'borrowed' or stolen, and misused.....


this is NOT a husbandly thing to do....nor loving, nor respectful....


it is time to call your parents and seek whatever help you can get....time to move...time to leave...

it is time to go...get a support system in place....write your plan B letter...

inform all your friends and his buddies...EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE...

then get out of the line of fire...

protect yourself and the boys.....do you really want him top teach them that this is funny and acceptable behaviour???


you are the mother of his children..basic respects have been laid waste to...

it is not funny.

it is not a joke.


can you imagine some psycho nut online sees your pic, thinks you are some kind of super-slut and wants some of what you are offering???



how many different types of danger does he have to put you in ???




Dylan