Latest developments: OM calls WW and tells her he isn't leaving his wife but he still loves my wife. He wants it both ways --- typical. My wife finally sees he has been stringing her along and is crushed --- angry, sad, at her wit's end. She can't believe she let this happen. Says she hates him, etc. Now I'm worrying about her ability to cope with anything. LAst night she just sat there with her head in her hands repeating "I can't get thought this" "I don't know what to do" and "I give up". She finally said "I need help".
I know that her reactions have everything to do with the realization that her fantasy affair is over. She can't believe this man, who she thought loved her more than anything and who she "loved" could do this to her. She says she "hates him" and "doesn't want everything to do with him now." She feels "used by everybody" and occassionally even blames me for putting her in this position. I know this is all fairly "by the book". Throughout all of this, I continually reassured her, told her how much she was loved, and that it would be OK. I basically played the role of best friend - shoulder to cry on. Ironic, considering I am the jilted one here. But whatever --- I want to support her and meet her needs as best I can. I do love her and can't bear to see her suffer. She was on the verge of a serious breakdown.
She still is asking for space --- wants me to consider leaving for a while so she can think straight. I told her I am not inclined to leave --- she shouldn;t be alone and frankly is not in the best emotional state to take care of our kids. Plus I feel like she should leave if she needs space. It is hard, because I feel like she will resent my presence more and more.
We are scheduled for counseling in two days while meanwhile she still has contact with OM at work. For now, I'm just going to hang in there and try to meet her emotional needs as best I can.

It sounds like she's starting the withdrawl that happens at the end of the affair. That's actually a good thing, although it is VERY painful to deal with...for both of you.

From my experience, the best thing to do right now is to give her a little space...don't hover over her, but do be there for her if/when she needs you. Take care of the house and kids and yourself as best as you can...do NOT leave or move out...but simply be there for her. And let her know that you understand that she's hurting, and that you'll do what you can to help her deal with the pain...this is how I plan A'd at the end of my wife's EA.

She'll go through a few weeks of withdrawl...crying a lot, not hungry, angry at EVERYTHING and EVERYONE...she'll blame you for the loss of the OM, you name it, it will be said. And then you'll slowly see the alien leaving her mind. She'll start to realize that you've been there for her all along...that you've been the one who truly loved her regardless...and all of this will start to make sense.

Counselling will probably not be a bad idea, but not overly effective at this stage. Once the affair is completely ended, all contact between her and OM is cut off, and she's gone through the withdrawl, then it will start to be much more useful.

Just my thoughts...

How can she be in withdrawal if she is still in contact with the OM? Stop accepting the stupidity that this confused addict is pawning off on you.

Yes she is confused...and will continue to be confused until the agent causing the confusion is removed. And her solution is? To continue to allow the cause of her addiction to be in her life while she runs away from the potential solution to her to her problem...sure give her space all thespace she wants...tell her to move her sorry butt to any place she needs to go...to find the space she wants...just as long as she is willing to do it on her own...

So she wants some "space?" ha? LOL What a cliche she is...

Coach

I wouldn't encourage her to leave, but if she really wants to go, she will go. I agree with you that you shouldn't move - under any circumstances. She may be thinking that OM will take her back if she is seperated. If she really needs some "space" tell her to clear out a corner in the garage.

"Space" is outta the same handbook as "closure." hehehee <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Latest update: After nearly having a breakdown a couple nights ago, WW went back to work and tries to maintain herself. She came home again yesterday and said "she is lost" and "needs someone to rescue her."She says she knows the right thing to do is to be with me and the kids but she doesn't know what to do. I was under the impression that OM and OMW were working on their marriage and WW and I are going to first MC today. AS you may know, OM,OMW, and WW all work together. Not good.

I found out today that I think my wife is going out of town next week on business and OM may be going too. The A is still on even after full exposure. I don't know if I can stand it. Staying here while she is away doing things makes me insane. I feel like telling her "WTF are you doing? Don't you see this can't work. Make up your mind!"
Alternatively, I feel like just leaving and getting on with things and letting her figure it out. It's so hard for me to be supportive when I know she is going to be with someone else in a few days. WHy should I support her? I told her to get some help but she keeps thinking she can handle all this on her own.

Help! Trying to maintain anger and not do something I'll regret!

Does the OMW know that she plans on being with her H on this OOT trip?? Is she openly flaunting her affair, jgoatboy? What was your response to this trip?

Don't know yet --- just found out. If I had to guess, I would assume all are aware but it is "understood" that nothing will go on. Yeah right.

JGoatBoy,

Cant you see? The OM has already destroyed the fantasy. She cant ever look at him again with the same eyes she had for him. Never. He chose his wife over her. But he is willing to string her along as his mistress.

Your wife now sees a guy who has nothing but disrespect for her. But jsut like a cocaine addict that realizes that they need to stop the cocaine use...your wife now knows he isnt it...but she is still addicted.

So what to do? Calm down first! She stated she needed someone to rescue her. That's you! she basically came out and told you that she needs you to rescue her.

Can you afford Steve Harley counseling on here? Call the MB headquarters and schedule appointments for yo uand your wife. I do not trust most MCs. But Steve will help your wife come up with a plan where she can find her way out of the fog.

Your wife now knows the reality of her foggy existence and she doesnt like it. She is lost in there. You are going to have to keep talking to her, keep being there for her. And she will follow your voice out.

And as I found out with my wife lately, the fact that I was the only one there that didnt run, that stood by her, that helped her out of the fog...well, she knows that I am the one true friend she has on this planet. And if it is possible, she actually has begun seeing me as being even better than the man she married. More in awe. More of those doe eyes that look at a man and show ultimate love.

It is incredible. But you are going to have to die for her. To get to where I am, you are going to have to go thru hell.

So, ready??

In His arms.

Thanks Mortarman --- so do I confront her about the trip? Ask her to realize what he's doing and start her getting some help? Would this be my "rescue"?

Your first rescue is to get on your knees and pray for help. Get your relationship with God right, because your are gonna need Him! Believe me.

Second, get your wife and you in with Steve Harley ASAP!! Go on this website, get the number and call. Steve will help your wife, and you...get the plan where she can find her way out. And it is her that must find her way out. You can only stand by and be there for her. This is her battle.

Third, you rescue her by setting boundaries. You set boundaries for you and your kids. And you set boundaries for her. The ones for you and your kids...she cannot be allowed to break. Under any circumstances. When she tries, you calmly (and manly) state "Honey, I love you. But we are not going to do that. That is not possible." She'll want to bribe and manipulate you into moving your boundaries. Sorry, you cannot do this.

***one quick note on that: WSs do this because they are testing you. They dont believe you when you say you are fighting for the marriage. Remember, WSs have the maturity level of teenagers while they are in the affair. And what do teenagers do? They test their limits. So, your WW is looking to see if you mean it. Everytime you back down from a boundary, she will equate it to you lying to her.

Now back to the rescue...

Lastly, continue to Plan A. You must continue to deposit love units. Download the EN questionaire and do it. See if your wife will do it. You MUST meet her top 5 needs most of the time, and her top three needs ALL of the time. That is how you get in love, and stay in love.

So, there's a start. Tell your wife that this trip is not a good thing and that you do not want her to go if OM will be there. She will probably state that she has to go, or that you cant control her, or some other crap like that. And she may go anyway. But when she goes, you will be home being the knight. She will go and be treated like crap by the OM. And she will return to you. So, by having the boundary, even though she broke it, she will remember that she broke it. And that will actually help drive her closer to you when things go bad..as they most certainly will!

In His arms.

jg...listen and learn from these people. What MM tells you is very true. You're on your way to a place that is unimaginable but the trip is worth it if it is truly what you want. I am learning her moving forward finding out about MB AFTER my divorce, after learning of her PA. It has helped me cope..and learn...

Boundries...set them and live by them. Look at Melody's sig line..

"When you start to move the boundaries a little, it usually turns into "alot."

Keep coming here for guidance...

And get an appointment with Dr. Harley.

I found out for sure that WW is going on business trip with OM next week. AT first she lied about it, then said it was true and that it couldn;t be avoided. I was obviously upset but tried not to lose it. I guess I will simply tell her I disapprove and think it's not healthy for her. If she needs anything while she is away, I will tell her to call me. Otherwise I will not call her? I'm praying she begins to see through OM soon. Today she said "I know what the right thing is to do but I can;t do it".

Also had our first MC --- went OK. WW is still too fogged and says she can't imagine how I could change enough to make her happy. Her logic is, if it got so bad that she had an affair, the marriage wasn't meant to be. ARRRGHHH!

Trying to stay strong --- patience is so hard. It's like letting someone hit you on the head with a hammer over and over again.

Next step may be to expose even more at work --- although everyone who's anyone seems to know. May call OMW and see if she knows about trip.

I would call the OMW and let her know about the trip. Then I would write a letter to their workplace, just to let them know that these "business" trips are breaking up two families.

"I know what the right thing is to do but I can't do it".

No, no, no. You tell her that it isnt that she can't, it is that she wont. She is not incapable of doing this. It is not her ability, it is her will.

In His arms.

Here's the latest: OM is divorcing his wife and now WW wants to leave me. We have separated and tonight she is "allegedly" spending the night with her girlfriend. I am home with our two daughters. She wanted me to go somewhere else but I said no. I am still maintaining that I want to work together on our marriage and I am telling her she is making a mistake, but that I am here for her. WW and OM are out of town on business trip together for three days. We'll see what happens when he gets back.

My hopes are fading every day. Everything is up in the air. My worry is that WW is going to try to get me to move out so OM can move in. That way she won't have to uproot the kids, move, etc. I'm calling a lawyer to get some advice. In the meantime, I guess I am sticking to Plan A.

jgoatboy, I am sorry about this latest development but it is all part of the game. You did the right thing in refusing to budge. Good idea to get a lawyer and protect your interests. Have you been in touch with the OMW?

I have been talking with OMW. She's the one who told me about her divorce with OM. How could she help me?

Have you written a letter to their place of business?

jgoatboy, it will be good to stay in touch with her to make sure your W is telling you the truth, among other things. Is she going to try and save her marriage? Can you bring her here? It would help if she were trying to save things on her end.

I'm afraid OMW has given up. She told me she will grant him a divorce and she has moved out. My only chance is that WW sees through OM --- very unlikely. She's like the Golden Gate Bridge.