Even though I have a renewed commitment to my W I can't get over the thought that she may be seeing someone or worse yet the OM. My question is do I ask her flat out or not inquire at all. <P>I guess what I am looking for is some positve reinforcement from her to get me going.... I have gotten nothing directly positive from her as of yet... Only indirectly in the form of she said she would file for Divorce and so far (2 weeks later) hasen't..... But is it because she is hesitant or because of financial restraints?<P>She called and asked to come by to get her winter clothing this weekend..... She then called and cancelled because she didn't want to get out of bed that day...... Too tired from late night partying perhaps???? See, when I don't know my mind makes up the worst case senario..... It sucks <P>Whadda' ya' think????? Do I ask her or not???? Things have settled down a bit but only because we don't talk and I would hate to have that start all over again. <P>I just feel so lonely at night ( daytime too ) when I don't know what she is doing or where she is...... Thanks for listening<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Rutger (edited September 26, 1999).]

Have you read Dr. Harley's concepts? If she is having an affair, she will most likely deny deny deny. That's what my W did. Even when confronted with the facts. I approached it all wrong, LBing big time. There are obviously factors that led up to her leaving, whether there is an OM or not. That was my situation. And like they say, go with your gut feelings. They are probably right. Unfortunately mine were WAY too right. I hit everything right on the head, and it was all worse case. I know the feeling brother, of wondering what she's up to when she is gone overnight. Just remember, there are alot of people here that care, and will help you through this, no matter how bad it gets.<BR>good luck<p>[This message has been edited by rik999 (edited September 26, 1999).]

Hi ya buddy - <P>I say "whoa...slow down there partner!!!"<P>I was under the impression that your W is just in the process of returning to you. Is that right? If so, I think asking her about other men (or the OM) might be a bit premature. I know your impatience and loneliness...I suffer from them too. But what you must keep in mind is that your W is probably sitting right on the fence. You don't want to push...you want to GENTLY pull.<P>Start out slow - say like no lovebusters (a given), and meeting her most important emotional needs. Do this with love and without being overbearing. You must coax her back into the marriage...not drag her.<P>Do not give any ultimatums or threats (real of perceived). I'd start with the Harley principles and stick to them. Make sure she buys into the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Total Honesty before you start asking the dodgy questions. That's my opinion bud. Good luck and God bless!!

Thanks to you both.... I've read every book that Harley has written and even given my W a copy of SAA. ( she has not read it to my knowledge ) I do agree that the "gut" feeling is usually right, I just need to know for certain.<P>I wish she were in the process of returning to me, I don't get that feeling at all and she hasn't said anything about wanting to work it out. I understand about the lovebusters but how do you deal with the Not knowing? The LIMBO ??? I hate being on the fence and this feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.<P>I agree that if I asked that she would percieve this as a lovebuster. Your right I need to go slow and try to Pull her to me not push her away. But how ??? To chase or not to chase?? I think I tried that but it made her angry. Man, this is soooooo hard. <P>Question, How do I introduce her to the Policy of Joint Agreement when she doesn't even consider us married. She doesn't care if I don't want her doing something.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Hi Rutger -<BR>Boy, do I now what you're feeling!!!<P>I have been having the same thoughts and I HATE this LIMBO!!!!!!<P>There's nothing that you can do....and it sucks!!!!<P>The only thing is too try to fill lovebank when and if they make contact.<P>You can't approach anything about an OM - that is a BIG NO-NO!!!!<P>The only way is too show her that you would be a better choice....<P>Hang in there, Rutger. There will be times when she will be more friendly than others (the Whack-A-Doodling - as I call it). Do not let your emotions go up and down with hers....you have to be the one who is steady and safe. <P>Good Luck and come here when those thoughts of what she's doing and with whom start getting to you...you have to learn some way of pushing that out of your brain or you'll make yourself nuts. I have various things that I do like putting on the earphones and cranking up the tunes or watching an absolutely Favorite movie that I can't help by pay attention to. Things like that.<P>HUGS and Strength,<P>Sheba<BR>

Rutger - everyone's right - you've got to take it slow. Remember, I'm in limbo, too and, like Sheba so eloquently put it, "it sucks". Keep being a great guy, show her what she's missing, when you get the chance. I think it's all that we can do.<P>Hang in there. I'm pulling for you.<P>Lori

Sheba & lostva,<BR>You guys are great, Thanks. The smart thing to do is wait....... and wait........ I think thats a good plan. When and if she contacts me... be the good guy and be the safe place ( which won't be hard right now because thats how I feel ). Sheba, you aren't kidding about the Whack-A-Doodling, Man that's evil. I got some of that the other day. It is so hard not to get defensive when they do that but I'm getting better. Thanks again<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>