I remember this well because I got a boatload of emails asking me to BEG you to come back .... now you know begging is against my religion ... I just sent a "Hey howdy" to Mel every now and then.

and she sauntered back in here herownself on her own good time.

smelling of cow poop

I think you told me to kiss your [censored] a couple of times too, you DAWG! Cow poop is the smell of MONEY, hunny... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Yep.........and it is good. I tell you folks, I was never a beliver in the "fog", but man, being in this Pepperband cough syrup "hazy fog" is alllrighhht (Lemon says as he adjusts his kewl glasses and saunters back to the recliner to play another Pink Floyd track).

Dang dopeheads! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Well, I think everyone shows up to whine at first. I did! That's ok.

I guess I should have communicated my thought better...I was awfully sleepy last night.

I'm not suggesting that new posters should ever be ignored. But when the poster clearly becomes mired in the payoff of victimhood, when there have been attempts to jiggle someone loose...then I just don't respond - partially because I don't want to feed the payoff, but also, I am not going to force my responses on someone who doesn't want to hear them.

Personally I don't have a lot of time to respond to anyone. But, something I have noticed...is that those who are progressing along the path of growth, usually do have the wiser folks on the board nudging them along.

Did I just say jiggle?

Oh dear, I need coffee. I'm off to work.

Pep,

I agree with the idea that if they want to leave they should be allowed to, but Susan made a comment I thought I would address. She said
I personally would like to know if someone especially a long term poster has decided to move on. I know we all sort of come and go, K does this, but he has not left. I would really miss the opportunity to say "Good Bye" and thanks if poster who has been here for awhile left.

We have had two posters that I am aware of pass away, and their spouses let us know. I have no idea if our thoughts meant much to them but I appreciated the chance to offer them.

As for posters that "whine", well that is part of the process. I have no problem with it, as long as I start to see baby steps toward healing. Some take longer to see it than others, but some motion is always a good thing to see.

Must go,

God Bless,

JL

PS: What kind of syrup are you all on again? You guys seem to be flying pretty high? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

My syrup is just LIFE!... and love! Ain't life grand? and fun! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I never dreamed I'd be havin' this much fun at almost 50!

JL, I was really not speaking of long time posters that move on and leave. On most of those, someone on the board probably has their email and can give them a heads up.

I was speaking more of the people that announce they are leaving and many times never even leave the goodbye thread. They keep coming back to post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> The poster that radiates "please beg me to stay"...have you ever seen this?

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Gosh, this thread is half-way down page 2 before I get my post in... Things move so FAST around here, Toto!

I'm not one of you Hero Posters, who steps up to the plate for desperate newbies. I'm not much good at advising people what to do, so I stick to what I can do that's helpful - usually analysing things and making sense of patterns. So I observe more than I contribute.

But this is my thinking. If 'This' - ie d-day, infidelity, betrayal - is not enough to blast someone out of passivity and into action, then nothing will. This is a 10 megawatt power cable rammed straight up the derriere. If you don't get the message that you need to make some Big Changes, then you never will.

So those who really want to stay the same and have the world change around them will get nowhere. All of us BS's arrive here whimpering about how badly we've been treated and looking for a soft shoulder. But pretty damn soon we have to realise that the world isn't going to magically readjust itself just because we don't like the view - that sooner or later we have to DO something - set boundaries, decide who we are and what we have a right to expect, accept that we're not perfect and work on that, educate ourselves in how to handle the mess we find ourselves in.

Some simply won't do that. Their attitude remains "This isn't fair! Someone adjust the set for me!" And if that goes on for too long, the MB Heroes might as well give up. These people can lurk and read about others' successes, and perhaps they will 'get it' from that.

And some know they have to change but are dead scared. They have some forward propulsion, but they are a long way behind the posters who are reasonably assertive, have good support networks and have not been brutalised out of self-confidence. These are people who really need some solid help in the real world - a therapist, a counsellor, a woman's group - someone who can provide practical presence and support. A cyber-community can provide direction and some propulsion, but this is a person who needs to learn to protect and defend themselves first. Not being able to do that is probably why they're here in the first place.

How do you tell the difference? I think from the form of the protest - 'I won't' vs 'I can't'. If an 'I can't' shows understanding of the need but still 'can't', then they need to get some external help to bolster those parts of them that are too soft or brutalised to cope. An 'I won't' can be wished good luck and left to their comfy inertia.

TogetherAlone

Yeah I have.

I usually just offer them my best wishes and leave it at that. If the come back great and if they leave again I offer them my best wishes yet again. It is cool with me...Got lots of good wishes to offer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

If you left on the other hand, well then there would need be some serious talkin goin on. Almost 50???? Dear God, I did not realize you were so young. I had better behave myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Oh! and to answer the point yes there are patterns aren't there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

JL

Well, I have a few more months. You will see my cake. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

My wonderful hubby will be 59 next month. I have always felt his age, so in some ways I feel 59. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

For me MB is addictive, how does one go about leaving here anyways?

I used to be good at leaving in a huff...

Oh Well...

lol, Mimi! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The only reason I come here is to read Melody's posts. She cracks me up! Whenever I do post, it's just because I read something in the process of reading Mel. HeHeHe...

Seriously...what Melody, Frozen and others have said I agree with. I remember those days when I first found out and my head was spinning. I have no idea what I did or said. When I read people's posts who are in the depths of that horrible rollercoaster ride, I try to give back what I was given.

About people who get on the merry go round of ignoring advice and re-living the same drama over and over again, I think it's because they often get caught up in what some psychologists call "magical thinking." I remember I just wanted things to go back to the way they were before I got that blasted letter from xow. I wanted my rose colored glasses welded to my face and would look for people who would agree with my warped way of thinking. I couldn't see until it was time for me to see and I often think others may be in the same boat.

I read a book once on birth order and the role we had in our family of origin. I was always the one who made the peace in our family. When everyone was too angry or prideful, I would step in and say ok let's all kiss and make up. I still have that urge to "fix" things today. I guess that's why I still come here.

Someone said their posts often reflected what they were going through at the time and I wholeheartedly agree. I've gone back and read my posts and thought, where was the Midol? My picture can often be found in the encyclopedia under "angry" and "bitter." I work at a gift shop and bought a magnet for my frig that says, "My ex and I are friends. You can reach him at lyingcheatingsonofab*tch.com" Sums it up for me...my kind of humor...

I laughed out loud when Lemonman said he was a nurterer and had to go back and read it again because I thought I had misread. We see ourselves through our motives when words on a screen can't reflect what's truly in our hearts. I pray that I have been seen with grace when my words aren't able to reflect the heart. I hope we can all see each other in that way for we all have each other's best interest in mind otherwise we wouldn't be here.

Hey jph, not to start a mutual admiration society or anything, but you recently had me laughing my head off at your post. You said that someone didn't have the common sense God gave a goose! hahahahaa That was hilarious. So, please know the feeling is quite mutual!

And I laughed at Dr Sour the "nurturer," too. He and I are about as "nurturing" as Attila the HUN! lol!

Mel..that's an old southern saying..kinda like "colder than a coal miner's shovel"..."six one half dozen the other"..."what's good for the goose is good for the gander"..I guess we like geese here in the south...

Lemonman and I are quite alike...I often think of myself as a supermodel like beauty who has a genius level IQ...ain't delusion grand...

I had no idea that Lemonman was a supermodel in his spare time. Gee. Doctor, supermodel........ if he were a nuclear physicist, he could be Buckaroo Banzai!

(I have this weird sense that I'm the only one laughing.)

Mel:

Have you heard, 'YOUR perceptions are YOUR reality".

I find you to be one of the most NURTURING posters here.

Being nurturing is not just about saying "sweet" stuff.

You nurtured me through some of the darkest hours in my life. I will never forget when I would come here on the weekends and you would be right there. What a comfort you were to me! Of course, sometimes I didn't like what you said. You, then, were probably saying what I most needed to hear. I listened to every word...

Look how whiny me has grown.. and I'm still growing....

I remember those days: "I can't live without my H, BOO-HOO, BLAHDY-BLAH....

SO THERE.....

Well, it went right over my head, that is for sure. LOL

Yes, I think so too Mimi. Mel just acts all tough and all, cuz she's from TEXAS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />