[color:"black"] [/color] Hello all, I am new to this forum so bare with me on my story, it maybe long. I am 22yrs old and I have been with my husband for 5yrs but married a year and half. We have two children together one 3 1/2 and 6wks. He is in the U.S. Army and he came home last month for his R&R leave. What was supposed to be a happy time with having a baby and him spending time with me and kids was great until i found out what he did. During his leave he told me that he needed to go to the base in GA. Im staying at my moms while he is deployed. I told him alright and call when he stops and whatever. I would have gone but just having a baby i would have been miserable. He called me the one night told me he was staying in a hotel in S.C. i believe him the next morning he called me and said he was on his way home. Well i called later that night and i got the voice mail, i probably called at least 10 times. I was getting worried that something happened to him. He called again the next day and said that my phone had died and the phone wouldnt charge i said alright, as long as your fine. He got home that night and was great to see him acted like nothing was wrong. He told me he was stressed out and was considering leaving the country. Well after he left to go back to iraq one night i was searching on the computer and found a picture of him with this girl. I broke into his email and found her number and called her. She said that she did meet him but they didnt do anything. I got in touch with his sgts. and they had him immeditaly get intouch with me. As of now the only way we communicate is emails, he isnt allowed to call. After i confronted him he told me what the two did and that it was just once throughout our 5yr relationship. He takes complete responsablity for what he did. He has ended contact with her and has agreed to marriage consueling and agree to whatever else to make our marriage work out. I love him with everything and he has even had flowers sent to me via this man in California (he would but i cancelled his credit card) i want to make this work, i know we can but i just dont know how am i going to deal with this with us being apart for the next 6 months. I just need some advice on what to do. I believe him when he says he is sorry for what he has done. Any advice would be great! Sry its so long!

wow, I just posted also. I really looked through the website for the materials. Honestly, it seems you're doing well since he has agreed to conseling and working it all out. Do you have an emotional outlet? For me, that's what I feel I need. Or are you able to talk to him about it all?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You might want to post on general questions, as weekends are slow.

I hope you will keep reading and posting here. It will help your marriage be better than before you found out all of this.

Where did he meet the girl?

The only way we have been able to communicate about it is through emails. He hasnt been allowed to call me in almost a month which he usually calls once a week. Yes, I do have people that I can talk to. I have talked to a pastor about what has happened and I have also talked to my aunt who is a consuelor in situations like this. Both have told me that we are in the right direction of getting this over and beginning the forgiving part of the whole thing. Its hard just being so far apart. We both love each other and have been more open and honest with each other since this has happened. So, yes i do talk to alot of people about it. When i get back down to the army base here in a few wks. I have scheduled meetings to meet with the army chaplain to help me through this.

He met his girl over the internet in a chatroom in yahoo i believe. He has ended complete contact with her. No phone calls, emails, letters or on AOL. I've seen looking through this website that its one of the first steps to healing after an affair. He has also taken then the step to write an apology to my parents. He'd call but those privliges have been stripped as of now, until he can regain his sgts. trust. We have even booked a vacation in January for us to just get away together without our kids. That is something we need considering we live so far away from our families. So we are in the path towards the right direction.

I also need advice on how to stay strong through all of the emotions I'm feeling. My husband of 21 years has done this to me with a mutual friend of so I thought, the whole time he was doing it he was calling me names and keeping me afraid all the time.Sl*** husband doesn't know, I plan on telling him tonight! please advice needed!

It is hard to get over things being so far away. My husband is in Iraq and was sent over 3 months after I found out he had cheated on me (not quite enough time to get over it). The distance makes it very hard to get over the infidelity. Like you, I believe him when he says how sorry he is and how much he wants to work things out, but it is soooo hard when he is not here to provide you with concrete reassurances that are needed. I do not have an opportunity to talk to him on the phone, our only contact is through email and it is hard to talk about this on an email or instant message basis. It is hard for true emotion to come through when conversing that way. I find myself constantly checking his email account just to make sure he is being truthful about having no contact with her. I want to trust and believe everything he tells me, but with so much distance between us, he could have contact and I would be none the wiser. They are dealing with things over there that we can not begin to comprehend and I worry about the fantasy world that they can create for themselves with the help of the internet and all it provides.
D-day for me was last August and my husband left the first of December. The next day I took a pregnancy test which came up positive. I am scheduled to deliver an unplanned baby boy next week. So I can empathize too with the new baby being in the picture. I wonder if that will bring us closer or push us further away. THe thought of the added responsibility and the guilt of not being here for support can be overwhelming and lead them further into that fantasy world as well.
These are all things I have thought of as I try to get over the betrayal and deal with "repairing" our marriage over the long distance. My husband will be back in December, he gets no 2 week R & R leave and I am hoping with all the discussion we have had about the "whys" we can move on and have an even stronger marriage.
It is horrible that this had to happen to you, to us, and then to have to deal with it over long distance is quite challenging too. Not to mention all the extra emotions that go with pregnancy and delivery!! Good luck with trying to work it all out, it sounds like you have a good start- just wanted you to know you are not alone, there are others in very similar situations.

aljessie:

I am sorry to hear that this has happened to you too. Good luck with the birth of your baby boy, I hope all the best works out for you, i truely do. Just as you, I can not talk to him on the phone and i usually miss him on AOL but he emails me alot. I do not check his email as much as i used to after i found out i was constantly checking it but then soon realized that I have to begin trusting him and the only way to do that is trust that he isnt emailing her. WHich is so hard being sooo many miles apart. I can not comprehend the daily encounters that happen in their lives. I give them all the credit in the world bc they deserve that. As for us, he has gotten himself in consueling over there and I am in it as well. Hopefully soon we can arrange to be discussing these together. Thats what we need the most. I just wish that it could happen. I do not know the next time i will talk to him, everytime the phone rings I am hoping that it is him on the other end, I have not spoken to him since I found out and asked him about it. Which makes it harder, its easier to tell if someone is sincere when you talk to them not through emails but even more so face to face. When your H gets home I hope you take advantage of the consueling that they will give you, I know that we are. Good luck and the best of luck having your baby, I know exactly how you are feeling. Good luck and god bless you and your family!

Hi Ronali and Jessie!

Is it possible for your husband to speak to a chaplin during his last 6 months in Iraq? Or is there someone he can speak to that is higher rank, someone he looks up to?

I am also a military wife (16 years now) and military life screams of infidelity. It is so hard for marriages to work even without it. Deployments and time away from family make it so difficult to keep emotionally in touch with each other.

I want you to know you are not alone. 19 years of marriage (16 years of that military) my husband cheated on me with another soldiers wife. It is so hard to get past that hurt but you CAN do it as long as he is willing to do his part.

Use the help the military offers. Talk to the chaplins, try to set up an appointment to speak to a therapist (if they are full on post they can refer you to someone off post) Work on you! It takes a lot to be a military wife and deal with all the things that are thrown at you. I guarantee you that you will be a much stronger woman than you thought you could ever be.

My thoughts are with both of you.

Maggie

maggie-

As far as I know he has spoken to somebody over there. I am not sure who it is but I know he has spoken to somebody. He is making efforts to make this work. He has told me he has not called, emailed, wrote or talked to her on AOL IM. I believe him. He gave me access to his email and since i confronted him about it he has not emailed her. He hasnt even been given the chance to call me.
I know that the army has alot to offer and I plan on taking advantage of it when I get home. (im at my moms now) I just spoke with the Rear D Sgt. to see who i set up appts. with. I think its an army chaplain but I am not sure. I have a very positive outlook on our situation. I have a great feeling that we are going to make it through this, Its just waiting the next 6 months to be able to start making it happen together. Right now we have to both do our parts him part there and my part here.

I think it is very good that your husband is talking to someone while he is over there. I know that my husband won't do that. He is an officer and he doesn't want anyone to know-he's embarrased, imagine that. For years he has chasticzed others for doing exactly what he did and I know that even if I suggested it he would not go through with it. I have talked to him about going to counseling when he comes home and he has said that when he comes back he will do whatever I need him to do for us to get through this because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and we need to be able to have that trust back in our relationship. It is hard waiting for the next four or five months to go by so we can be together working on this, like you said Ronaile it is so hard doing it apart. Hard doing it thru emails and no phone or in person contact. I don't know about you, but I can read my husbands face like a book when we are together, but thats hard to do online.
I plan to seek counseling for myself after the baby is born, it has been so hectic with work and our other kids and I haven't made the time to help myself. I have read lots of books on the subject and checked out alot of sites like this with other peoples stories. It helps to know you are not alone in the situation and others have made it through or are working on keeping it together and making it through. Lots of my friends can't understand why I would stick around- once a cheater, always a cheater kind of thing. I just couldn't understand how in my opinion, one day our marriage was fine, and the next day after I found out it was over? He had been gone for two weeks of training (unrelated to the Iraq thing) and it happened then while under heavy alcohol influence. I thought how can I throw it all away over a horrible mistake? If it ever happens again- YES- but once seems like you have to give it another chance.
Do you guys think that all military (men)members cheat? I haven't talked to many women who haven't been in this situation married to a military man. Seems out of sight is out of mind; at least temporarily. Good luck and thanks guys, it helps to know you arent alone.

Jessie:

Im glad to see that your husband wants to do everything he can as well, just like mine! I can readmy husband like a book to when i see him, even when i hear his voice i can tell something isnt right. I knew something wasnt right when i talked to him the night he did this but i was like no it wouldnt happen. My husband and i will be seeking consueling together but right now i am in IC. I go to my first the beginning of August and I am very excited to get it started and to get the ball rolling.
I dont know if you H talked to this girl before what happened but mine did. He talked to her for 6 months before he met her and then went and met her. People ask me how i am doing and for me I think im doing great for it just being a month ago. Sometimes you wouldnt even think something happened. As for me the EA is more hard for me to forgive then the PA. Mainly bc i seen the emails and i didnt see them kissing and hugging, that really doesnt bother me as much. I dont know why it doesnt bother me maybe I am being naive about the whole thing. Its just when i close my eyes i can see the emails and they are more vivid in my memory then anything. I did see a picture of them together but i've cleared it from my memory. It doesnt bother me anymore. Like i've said before I am glad i caught it the first time it happened rather then it going on and on.
As for the military, yes it happens ALL the time in the military. For example i know a Sgt. who has done this to his wife 5 times! She hasnt learned her lesson yet. On one of my posts somebody said the military is screaming infidelity. It really is. My friends at home ask me why am i taking him back? I say because I seen past all of this and I can imagine us being old together. Getting through this and being stronger and closer then we were before. I do not know many women that have done it, but my H says that women have it soo much easier then men do. I said ya all the have to do is screw their Sgts and they are good to go, and he said ya its said but true. I really believe that there is alot more cheating going on then what people truely realize. In my situation i didnt know he was carrying on this contact with her through emails and calling her. So who knows my friends or neighbors could be going through the same thing and it never ever be known. As for me, I think im just lucky that I did catch it and im glad i did. I love him and he says know he realizes what he has "an amazing wife to come home to each night" he told me. Military wives are special. You know what I mean. We have to deal with the army, deployments, seperation, and being both mom and dad now. Jeez thats alot! Take care and i hope you post again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />) you can email me sometime its rennels04@hotmail.com
PS Good luck on the birth of your baby, I love my daughter so much and even tho this happened i wouldnt take her back for anything, she everything I ever wanted and more <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />)

Ronaile,
Funny how we know them so well and can tell just by there face or voice when something is up. Did your husband tell you or did you ask him about it and pull it out? Did he try to lie about it or come clean right away? I knew the day he walked in after the temporary duty. I asked him what was wrong and just knew- asked him further, he couldn't even look at me or hold it in, he immediately told me everything-bombshell! He told me the events of everyday that led up to the act- was a 4-5 day thing total, him living in a fantasy world with alcohol clouding his vision (not an excuse, but true). I think it was easier to deal with that it was just a PA, 6 months of an EA would have been a lot more to get over. To have him be emotionally connected with someone else, especially for any length of time would be even tougher to get over. At least you are willing to work it out and maybe he realizes, like my husband that he almost lost the best thing he has and realizes he is lucky to have a second chance, most people don't get that.
I would never take him back if it happened again, luckily he doesnt usually repeat his mistakes and has repeatedly told me this and reassures me like your husband how much he loves me and wants to work it out.
Good luck to you guys!

Jessie,

Hey, Im glad to hear things are going good. She transferred thats awesome! Im happy for you. I found out that he met this girl but finding a picture. I knew something was wrong with him but i just could not put my finger on it. He didnt try and hide anything. When i confronted him he felt like [censored], he felt horrible. Im glad, bc then he sort of knew how i was feeling. After i found out he sat down and wrote my parents a letter. I read it and its the most honest thing i have ever seen in my life. He wrote that I will never find another woman that will love me as much as your daughter. i have spent to much time dreaming what could be or what could have been in all reality not realizing that i have an amazing wife to come home to every night. I know there arent alot of people out there that can be forgiving. He is finally realizing it, it took him this to see but he knows now. He told me he is willing to meet my needs to make this work. They arent much but I def. want MC when he gets home. I also told him NC with OW. He has kept it up on his end. I dont find myself checking his emails. I did today bc i havent heard from him in 6 days and im freaking out.
I am glad that my H is finally realizing what he has, there arent to many that can handle military life. What gets me is this OW who is by the way 18yrs old thinks that she is ready to be a step-mom to my 3 1/2yr old son and 6 wk daughter. Heck, I can hardly handle it at times, its one of the toughtest things im going through right now plus a deployment being both mom and dad and now this. Its nuts around here.
Well Jessie, IM glad that things are looking on the positive side for both of us. We both got husbands that love us, although it took this at least they know.

Ronaile,
It sucks that it took this to make them realize what they had, they are just lucky that we didn't kick them out or get out after what they did! They are very lucky to have another chance.
I am happy for you that he is being honest, and really trying to make amends with you and your family too, that really says a lot. I never told my family, my friends have helped me through this. I agree, definetly MC when they get back to get thru any unresolved issues.
What a joke that the OW would actually think you would let her near your kids!! I know all about the mom and dad role and like me, how much more protective you probably are of the kids, especially the baby. Its all up to you to hold down the fort- keep up the good work.
Only one week from today till I have the baby in the picture, I am sure it will be harder then, I am sure you can vouch for that!!
And now I too only check the emails when I haven't heard from him, just to see if he has been on the computer and see if he is ok, not really to check up on him.
You are right too about the "not too many" can handle being a military spouse, in a lot of ways it is the hardest job!! Take care!

Jessie,

Yes, it does suck that it took this to make them realize. At least they know what they got now right? Only mom my and dad and his mom know what is going on. My friends are not suportive of me at all, they think im stupid and retarded. They do not know what they would do in my situation. I hope everything goes good with the birth of your baby. I know the extras your gunna have on your shoulder but i know that you can do it, it will be tough but when you see that little guy it makes it all the more special. I love my kids and wouldnt trade them for anything! I know OW is crazy.. Not a single word from her since all this has happened, im glad she is in the past and will never return in my life. I can not wait to get the ball roling on MC. I start my IC next week and i just cant wait! That might sound strange but to start getting this in the past will be so much better..Once again good luck next week, when you see that little guy you'll love him to death just like i did my daughter with my baby girl, they are absoutly adorable! Take care!

Jessie,

Hey, I just wanted to let you know i just checked my email and i got the same email that you told me about crazy! Its crazy how this is becoming such a serious offense you know what i mean....just wanted to let you know that i got this from my Rear D Sgt. Take care ronaile

Hey Ronaile & Jessie

I too am a military wife (navy). My H is deployed right now until Nov. We were married 8/04...I found out 12/04 that he'd been cheating on me throughout our courtship and continued the relationship with OW into our M. I got pregnant the very same week and I too will be expecting a baby girl 8/28/05 five weeks away. Initially my H took me through hell. Then in late March he suddenly had a change of heart by that time we only had 2 months before his deployment and with the new baby coming never got a chance to really work on our M before he left. Of course there is a lot more to the story, but that is the short version.

I hate this military life. My H has been in for 18 yrs so I was willing to deal with this for 2 years. I have to keep reminding myself that this could have happened to anyone in any kind of profession. Separation is so hard when you can't trust your spouse.

Ronaile I think it is great that your H basically came clean immediately. It says something about his character, that you atleast have something to work with. Have either of you introduced MB website to your H? My H loves the information that is offered here and he has been trying (as best he can being deployed) to integrate some of the things that he has learned here in our M.

Best of luck to you both!

Hello,
This is my first post. D-Day was a month ago. I too am a military wife and when I found out about the A I was 38 weeks pregnant with our first child. I was and still am in complete shock especially that he would have an A while I was pregnant. I found out and confronted him. He came clean on everything and we are going to try to work things out. So far things are going slow with us. We live with his dad so we don't have much alone time to talk. And now we have a beautiful daughter so much of our attention has transfered to her.

My H was in the Army for 5 1/2 yrs and now he is in the National Guard. Yesterday he got news that his unit will be activated in Oct. and he will be in Iraq after the first of the year. This doesn't give us much time to work on us before he leaves and I know it will be so much harder when he is gone. Being a military wife is a hard job.

It helped to read all your posts and know that there are others out there that know exactly what I am going through. I have only told a few friends (none of which have been through this) and no family. My family can be very judgemental and I know that even if I can forgive him they would always judge him for this. I would appreciate any advice you can give me.

rmrcop and white_dove:

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Its terrible this sort of thing is common, i knew it was but didnt know that it was in the military. As for me i have told my H about this website I am not sure if he has gone to it yet. I havent heard from him in a few days. I know he is in consueling over there which is good, i start mine next week.

rmrcop:
I cant believe that your H did that before you M and after. At least he knows that he was wrong and it trying to make it work. Sometimes men are just so hard to tell that they are wrong they will tell themselves anything to make them seem they were right. I just have been looking through everything in the website and I have said it before i would be lost if i didnt find this site, it has such agreat information in it. Good luck on your pregnancy and i hope everything works out for you.

whitedove:
I am sorry to hear what your H did to you too. Good luck on the birth of your baby. I know that its tough. I just had our baby in June and he did this on his leave. I like you am still in complete shock about the whole thing but as the days go by it has been getting easier for me to get through it. Its nice to know that your not alone and that there are other people out there that know what you are going through. I can totally relate to the whole iraq thing too. As for when your H will be deployed mine will be coming home. You two need to focus on your M but i do know that a baby requires alot of the attention. Have you suggest MC consueling to him before he goes? That will help. There are people over there that will talk to him too. My H is talking to a chaplain and when we gets home we are getting MC. My email is rennels04@hotmail.com If you want to talk about or have any questions. I can try and help out as much but I am in the same boat you are. My d-day is coming up on a month now so I am fairly new but I can relate to the baby/ Iraq separation thing and not being able to work it all out. Its tough but it can be done! God bless you and good luck on having your baby!