It is too bad that there are so many other military wives with new babies or babies on the way that are in the same situation, but it is nice to find a place to talk about it and know that you are not alone. My family doesn't know and my friends don't understand how I could stick around, so it is nice to find you guys who are faced with such similar circumstances and are working through it too.

In my 35 years this A is absolutely the hardest thing I have had to deal with- it beats any deaths, deployments, financial hardships and going through a pregnancy alone(about to give birth in two days.) I too was in complete shock when it happened, I trusted him 110% and trying to get over it alone is hard. When my husband comes home in December we are going to go to MC, we have been thru too much to not try everything to put us back on track and with a new baby in the picture, there will be additional, unplanned stresses in the picture, so we can use all the help we can get. I don't think my husband would look at this site alone, he would if I showed him, not sure if he would do it on his own.
Good luck to all of us in getting thru this and having stronger marriages because of it. WHo would have ever thought a marriage could make it thru and be stronger because of it, I have heard many say that it is true- how unfortunate it takes something this drastic to turn things around and make, in these cases the husbands realize what was almost lost.

Jessie,

I'm glad to see things going great for ya! Soon you'll have the baby that'll you'll be able to cuddle with. Its one of the most precious moments in the world when a baby is born. I am happy to hear you H has agreed to MC, so has mine! As the days go by I am doing so much better and its easier keeping my mind of things since he has been having more contact with me through email. He still hasnt been able to call. I bought a phone card and im gunna give him the numbers, hopefully he can call me soon so i can talk to him. Its been a month today that i havent talked to him. Tomorrow is a month since i found out about the A. And today has been 1 month for NC with OW. I am so glad that things are looking up for me and you too. Good luck bringing that baby into the world, you'll fall in love with him the very second you lay eyes on him! Trust me on that one! GOod luck & take care

I am glad I found this website. It sucks that are so many of us out there going through this, but hopefully we can help each other get through this. It is awful at how often this occurs in the military. Like you Jessie, I trusted my H 100% and especially since I was pregnant I thought he would never do this to me now. We always prided ourselves on not being like all those military husbands and wives...we had always stayed faithful to each other.

The past couple of days have been pretty good. I have felt sincere affection in my H's voice when he says I love you. However I found on his cell phone today that the OW called him this morning. I haven't got a chance to ask him about it yet.

I also called today and made our first MC appointment next week. This should help us to communicate. I do hope we get everything out there and have a stronger marriage when this is all over.

Good luck with your new baby. I know I have a beautiful baby girl and wouldn't trade her for anything.

Rmrcop,

I am really glad that you guys start MC next week. As for Jessie and I we still got another 4 stinking months before our H are home before we are able to start. My family is very supportive in our decision to work this out. Except my brothers gf who i dont listen to. (she got no room to talk) Its been a month today since d-day. I think i am doing really well but I gutta stay strong for our kids. The 3 1/2yr old can tell when something is wrong.
I hope that this OW realizes that you two want to work things out. Has he agreed to NC with her? Maybe you should give her a call and tell her to just leave you two alone. That his knows his family is more important. My H ended contact immediatly. The only time i find myself checking his messages is when I havent heard from him for 4-5 days. Just this morning there was a thing about military divorce rates being up and how they are getting the soliders over in Iraq and Afganistan in consuleing along with their wives. I start my IC in about a week. Just depends when in get back to my house. I am looking forward to getting our lives back on track where they were before all this happened. Congrats on your lil baby girl. I have a 7wk old, she'll be 2 months old next wednesday. Arent they the greatest blessings in the world? Again Congrats on your baby girl!
I am glad that we are not alone in this, that this happens esp. more in the military then what people think. Thank you for posting and its so nice to know i have people i can talk to you!

Hang in there girls! Been a military wife for 16+ years now and it does have it's ups and downs. I use to think i f a marriage could survive the military it could survive anything, until I found out about my H's A.

I confronted the OW by email two times. First when I found out. I basically told her what I thought of her (her husband was deployed to Iraq during the A) I was able to vent all my thoughts onto my husband and I felt she needed to know what I thought too. After a few weeks of working things out with my H I wanted to lay down some ground rules. In our situation I did not want my husband to contact her in any way shape or form, even to tell her to buzz off. So, I emailed her one last time and let her know everything I knew about her, which is quiet a bit. Let her know if she even as much as farted in our direction I would have no hesitation to turn her life upside down. Before this email there were some phone calls to my H's cell phone at really odd hours, after that last email they stopped. I think we have good reason to speak up and let the OW know where we stand, it made me feel much stronger and also let my H see that I will put up with NO contact. He knows what will happen if there is, she knows what will happen if there is.

I keep reminding myself of the things I read here on this site. They had moments together, moments that they were both showing only their best sides. They never had to deal with "real" relationship issues, they don't have 19 years of life together, everything they had was based on a lie.

I commend you all for trying to make your marriages work. Hang in there!!!

Maggie,

I intend on hanging in until we get things started. I still gutta wait another 4 months before i actually get to see his face and see the reaction of remorse on his face for what he has done. I believe everything he had told me so far, there hasnt been NC with her since i found out. He told me he wanted to get caught bc he was feeling guilty about what he did...GOOD IM GLAD he does. Today has been a month since i found out about the A. I feel really good and think i am doing great, not only that i got two kids i have to take care of and think about.
I know we are going to get through this. I cant wait until I start IC next week. I know i need to get some of my feelings out and questions that i have. Hopefully they will be able to get us both on counsueling sessions together. I just wish this never would have happened, it happens to the best of us tho! Take care all

Ronaile,
Just thought I would give you a quick update. I don't have a whole lot of people around me that I can talk to about this. Plus it is nice to share with others who understand what I am going through.

We went to MC last Tuesday. My H did majority of talking which was good. I was a bit reserved because everytime I started to talk I felt the tears coming and I didn't want to cry. The MC seemed very nice and he suggested I get "After the Affair" to read. We have another appt. this coming Tues. and he also wants to see each of us individually. The session went well and continued to talk in the car on the way home. After getting home more drama started.

I found out why she had called him a couple times in the past 2 weeks because she called him right after we got home from MC. I thought he was standing outside talking to a buddy until I walked out and he immediately got off the phone. I confronted him and he lied. Approximately an hour later I caught him on the phone again. After that call I confronted and he came clean. I asked why is she calling and why are you talking to her. He told me I didn't want to know. I pushed and finally got it out of him...the OW was pregnant and she had called that day to tell him she had a miscarraige. I was relieved by the miscarriage but devastated at the thought that they created a child together. Until then, that was something we still shared...our only daughter and I can't stand the thought of him having a child with someone else. The rest of that evening I was very upset and couldn't stand to look or talk to him and I wasn't even sure if I still wanted to be with him. Later on that evening I asked if he was going to talk to her anymore and he said he would probably talk to her a couple more times (he is such a nice guy to be there for her in her time of need). I told him "NO you can't talk to her if you plan on working it out with me. If she is upset she needs to find someone else for comfort. You can't be there for her. You should be comforting me." He said he understood and would not talk to her. As far as I know he hasn't spoke with her. I think she has tried to call him..call came in unknown number, but he missed the call.

Also I am not sure if I believe she was pregnant. It sounded a little fishy the way he says she told him and then a week later she has a miscarriage. I wonder if she told him that to see if he would come to her rescue and since he didn't she had a miscarriage. Just a thought I have had.

Anyways we talked the next day after I had calmed down a bit. I asked him a million questions and told him how I wasn't sure if I still wanted to be with him but that I am still here today. I told him that if there would have been a baby I wouldn't stay with him. He said he was glad that I am still here. I asked him how he felt when she told him of the miscarriage. He said relieved. Is it wrong of me to be glad he was relieved??

After talking more he made me feel better and believe that he wants to be with me and our daughter. I always feel better after we talk but for some reason then we don't talk about the A for a couple of days and I start getting depressed again. I am going to have to talk to him this evening because today I am not feeling so well but I have to wait until he gets home from work. Overall so far I think things are getting better.

I hope you are doing better. I saw your other post about feeling depressed. I do the same thing. One day I am fine and the next I feel awful. Talking to someone should help...of course the person you want to talk to, your H, isn't available to talk. I will be in that situation in about 5 months. I hope and pray we get a lot of things worked out before my H goes to Iraq.
Sorry this is so long.
Take care!

rmrcop:

Hello! I am glad that your MC sessions are going really good. Its also good that you found a good MC bc i have read several different posts on here with the C was for the guy and saying that he has a reason to be upset and comfort the OW when he should be comforting us! I hope that when he gets back from Iraq we get a good MC. I start my IC this week, I am very excited about getting it started bc i seriously need somebody that I can just talk to. I mean i have people one here that listen but I need a shoulder to cry on right now. I wrote my H an email a few days ago and told him how down i have been lately and that i wish he was here bc i need him more than anything right now. I have alot on my plate right now and this just topped it off. I've felt alot better since i told him how i was feeling and what was going on with me.
He got to call me for the first time in almost a month and half and i missed his call. I feel just terrible, it was 3am my time and 11am his time. I found myself just sitting and listening to his voice mail and just hearing him say "i love you" on the voicemail even makes me feel better. He sounded really disappointed that I didnt have my cell phone upstairs with me. Its hard to tell when he'll get another chance to call but you better bet that phone sure is attached to my hip right now!
As for the OW. When i found all this out I emailed her and told her that she lied to me when i talked to her. I exposed this A to her fiance and so far i really dont know how things are going for them and quite frankly i dont care, I have my M to save right now. She told me in the email that my H and her didnt do anything and she will stick to that. She also said i didnt appreciate the email that i sent her I might have come off as a b*tch but hello you slept with my H! My H has told me he has had NC with her since i told him that i knew what happened and I believe him. He says he feels like an a$$ for not saying anything but he says its best that he leaves the past in the past and focus on us.
As for your H "supposedly" getting her pregnant. That does sound sort of fishy. I've heard stories of girls doing that just trying to keep the guy. Its horrible to even think that she would stoop to such a low to keep your H. So in all honestly I dont think its terrible that you are happy she had a miscarriage. I couldnt even possibly imagine my H having another child w/ OW. I am glad that it didnt even happen with my H's A. I'd be sick to my stomach. But if she was pregnant and had a miscarriage im sure she can find other people to talk to you, its a horrible thing to have one but still i am sure there are plenty more people in her life that she can rely on other then your H, thats just being selfish in my OP.
I hope that you two get alot of things worked out before he leaves. I know how tough it is and to have why and other questions just isnt what you want to be left behind when he leaves. Its difficult having him over there wondering if he is okay if you havent heard from him in a few days or what is he doing. If you need somebody to talk to thats been through that im here. You can have my email if you need, to ask me questions. Its tough bet i'll tell you this deployment has gone by so fast esp the past couple of months having 2 kids certaintly is testing me. Again, i hope the best for you two and its nice to know somebody cares enough to tell me how they are feeling and updating me on what is going on in their lives. Its just so nice to know there are people out there that are not judging you. Thank you! Take care and write again soon. Im moving back home, so its gunna take a while for the net to be hooked up but i'll check back on here when i get it back! Take care and good luck!

Well I am back. Baby is 4 weeks old today, a healthy baby boy. It has been a crazy, busy month. My husband had said he would not be able to get leave at all during his deployment, but he came home and suprised us on August 8, when the baby was 10 days old. It was a great suprise and a short, but good visit. In all of his actions and words I could see he wanted to make things work as much as I do. He said he felt like he had only been gone for a long weekend, for him nothing had changed, yet everything had changed. He was gone for over 9 months, a whole pregnancy, my college graduation, birth of a baby, but I guess it is good he felt like that huh? He told me over and over how he loved me more than anything and he thanked me for giving him a son (remember that the baby wasn't planned and in my opinion was an indirect result of the A). My brother sent my husband a picture of the baby soon after he was born and my husband sent out an email to all of his contacts and I am pretty sure the ow found out through some of their mutual military contacts. I half expected her to contact him and either be very sarcastic with a congrats or try something to get him. It took a long time for her to get the hint and stop contacting him so I wouldn't put it past her.
D-day was one year ago on August 14th and that was a tough day for me. I never mentioned anything about it, I don't think he even remembered. I was just a little more down and emotional that day, I am sure he just thought it was the postpartum emotions.
rmrcop- I thought the whole pregnancy thing sounded fishy as soon as I read it, sounded like maybe it was done out of desparation- I know I could not have stayed with my husband if there had been a child concieved, to have that in your face reminder for life would have been too much to take. I wondered if we would get that kind of phone call and there were months of holding my breath over that one. I think your relief after hearing of the miscarriage is one of the emotions that any FS would have experienced. I am relieved and happy for that for you as well! On top of everything else that is just too much to handle, for me it would be anyways.
Well only 3 1/2 months left before my husband comes home and I sure hope it goes by fast. I am sure to be much busier with the new baby and it should go by faster. I am looking forward to being together and getting into MC so we can keep things going in the right direction and moving forward with the healing.
Thanks for the updates and good luck again to everyone.

Jessie,
Good to hear from. Glad everything went well with your new baby boy and that is GREAT that your H got come home for a few days. Your next 3 1/2 months will probably fly by...you are going to be so busy.

Our MC has been good. We have only been 3 times, but they went well. My H is now gone for the next 3 weeks, so that puts a bit of a delay on it but we are communicating better these days. The A hasn't been discussed in MC in great detail. Our M counselor is trying to learn about us and our communication styles and how our marriage had been up to the A. I believe I am communicating better than I used to. I ask my H a lot of questions on our way home from counseling, things that didn't get brought up.
I am trying to tell my H how I am feeling. I think he needs to know if I am having a good or bad day. A couple of weeks ago I was feeling GREAT. I actually didn't want to go to MC because I didn't feel we needed it. I was that happy. Last weekend that mood dropped (I had an uncle die, so I think that helped my mood drop.) I told him I wasn't feeling good emotionally. I asked him all the questions that I needed to know the answer too...how did it start, who made the first move, what were his feelings for her, what where her feeling, etc. It was hard to hear that the A started as just sex but he did start to actually like OW. He said that the last couple of conversations he had with OW he believes she had stronger feelings for him and "probably could have loved him if he would have let her." (Quote from H) There was communication between the two up until 2 weeks ago. He said he had called her a few times and still allowed her to call him. The last time he talked to OW, she said she wasn't going to call him anymore. He didn't go into all the details of the conversation, but he said she was crying and said it would better for everyone and drove off. Yes, he saw her in person at a local gas station so at least it was in public. Obviously she had feelings. Anyways, I was pretty depressed from Sat up until Thursday. I told H that I wasn't sure why I was still here and I hated being so unhappy. I said I wish he would have ended the A and I had never found out, but I don't know when/if the A would have ended if I hadn't found out. I told him quote "I hate you for making me feel this way." He said those are strong words. I said that saying I was mad wasn't strong enough. I think that shook him a bit. I am feeling better now that I got things off my chest and let him know how I was feeling.

Last Thursday H left for Airborne School and he will be gone for 3 weeks. I think this time away is doing him some good. He is realizing what it would be like without me and our daughter. He has been very compassionate. Every time we talk he tells me numerous times how much he misses and loves me. He has said he is so glad I still love him and that I am still here and want our marriage to work. It feels so good to hear him say that and helps to boost my mood. I miss him so much and can’t wait for him to get home. It is going to be SO HARD when he goes to Iraq. But I think everything will be ok.

jessie, Best of luck with your baby boy. My daughter (8 weeks today) is amazing and I am so happy I have her.

ronaile, Hope everything is still going good for you and your move has went smoothly.

I think it is important for your husband to know how you feel too. I know my husband hates for me to bring it up and would just like to pretend that it never happened. It is a lot easier for him that way. I think your strong words about hating him for how he made you feel are necessary for him to hear. I don't think that the WS can ever know the extent of the hurt and pain they have caused. For me this A has caused me more pain and heartache than anything else that has ever happened in my life and that includes deaths. A few quotes that I have posted by my computer that I read often and help me are

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different". No matter how much either one of us wishes things to be different the past can't be changed. I have accepted that and there are many things I would change if I could go back, as would my husband I am sure, but since that is not possible forgiveness is the only thing that will keep us and our marriage going.
Also fogiveness is the only way the future can change.

"Hate and anger take up a lot of energy and eat a lot of life". When I first found out I was more than angry and hated the OW. I had met her in a chance encounter before I found out about the A- my husband and I were outside his work in my car and she pulled up beside us in her mustang and said to my husband "so this is your wife huh?" my husband introduced me to her and I said something like "nice to meet you" having no idea that the next day my world would come crashing down when I found out about the A and that she was the OW. All I could think about for weeks was what I would have done if I had known a day sooner. I could almost picture myself punching her face in through her car window. Lots of lost time spent hating and being angry. It took a long time to convince her to go away- she called his work and emailed him from 5 different accounts after she was blocked as a sender. He never saw her again, and I saw all the correspondence between them on email, so that made me feel better about how it had ended. I don't think I would want to have them meet again, no matter how much of a public place. I would want to know exactly what was said from both sides and if I wasn't there I would never know for sure. In my case the OW even offered for my husband to move in with her if he wanted to leave me. This all happened over annual training and in the span of about a 5 day period- what a psycho.
I am glad to hear that MC is going well. It makes sense that the MC would have to learn about your marriage and communication styles first before really getting into the A. Although I would be a little anxious to get to that and find out more about what spurred the A I guess the MC needs all the details first. Even though it has now been a year, when my husband comes home I still want to go through MC. I have had so much time to think and I believe it would still help us.
I think I am going to be pretty busy with the new baby and the next few months will fly by. Good luck with the next few weeks- this may be just what he needs to realize how lucky he is and what he could have been missing.