I probably don't even need to post more than the subject line and most of you can figure out where this one is going. And a weekend is a bad time on MB to need some advice, 2x4's swung with significant force, or just a good butt-chewing in general, finished with an "I told you so."

While the chances of what I fear most happening are statistically around 30% or less, I may have just screwed up the rest of my life. Yay for me! Good job LL (or whatever my new name is)...said with much sarcasm. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I just read the post about BS's and validation from the opposite sex. In hindsight, I'd say yes, I felt pretty much like I was a nothing for a good share of my marriage and definitely when my XH walked out for a younger, sexier woman. But I didn't realize how much I desired to know that I was still desirable until I allowed myself to get into a very stupid situation and emotions overtook any kind of logical thinking and I became a complete idiot. Forget brakes. Forget boundaries. Forget any kind of thoughts of what God might want for me or require from me as a Christian (can I even call myself a Christian at this point, if I walked into this full-well knowing it was wrong?)

You've figured it out by now, right? Just that it didn't happen with the guy who I was originally concerned about (Mr. 2x married). It was the other guy--the one I debate with--the one I share absolutely no important beliefs with.

Lesson #1 was don't date attractive guys. Okay, so fixed that by letting that one go. Now lesson #2 is don't date guys who debate and challenge me. It is rare for me to back down from a challenge--I think it's sort of the excitement factor. And in most areas of life that's not a big deal. But in the sexual arena, it is. I should have gotten up and walked the moment he started crossing lines beyond kissing. I had stated my boundaries. But I didn't leave, because it felt so darned good and comfortable and it had been so long, and I didn't realize how much I missed all those feelings until they started coming again.

Now I find myself feeling really lousy because I am a sinner in a huge way, I now have someone else I have to tell any potential future partner about, I'm not even in a committed "I want to be with this guy forever" relationship, there can always be the STD issue, and yeah, here's the doozie....

Because I had no intentions of SF outside marriage, I hadn't even given protection or birth control a second though. At the time I actually started thinking about it, it was too late. Timing was very bad for this to happen. I can only hope the statistics of women's fertility declining in their late 30's to be correct.

In a nutshell, I am just this side of totally terrified. Let me paint the 'what if' picture I've been painting all morning.

"LL (or whatever her name is now) finds herself in a couple weeks PG with Guy #2's child. She is adamantly against abortion--would never consider it in any circumstance. Guy #2 isn't ready for children, nor can she picture herself actually in a permanent relationship with him as her spouse because of all the differing beliefs. So, LL could find herself going through a very difficult PG alone (with her heart arrhythmias and turning 40 soon, thinking this could be a physically dangerous situation). And to further complicate things, women at age 40 have a 1 in 100 chance of having a child with Down's Syndrome and the chances of other birth defects are lots higher as we age, too.

So, here I could be, alone, with a handicapped child, two teenagers (one very difficult one), an ex-husband who can't help by parenting his own children, a mother who suffers clinical depression and has gambled away all her money, and a father with Alzheimer's (I am already taking care of most of my parents' finances...couldn't expect them to be any kind of support for me nor would I be comfortable with them in that role if it did happen).

So, I thought I was alone now. I didn't realize just how lucky I was. The thought of being alone for the rest of my earthly existance (because no one would touch the above situation with a 20' pole!) raising a baby who has a reasonable chance of being handicapped, by myself, scares the you-know-what out of me.


And know what...it would just be fitting punishment for my being so damned stupid!!!

Whack away! I'm not the person I thought I was. I'm really not sure who I am right at this second.

And sadly, I have met via email (before this all transpired) a guy who seems very nice and well-grounded from eastern Iowa. It was actually by accident--I just stumbled onto his profile and he had a couple vacation photos that were really pretty, and I simply sent an email commenting on the pictures, because I like photography. He then viewed my profile, was interested enough to email back, and we've written like crazy for the past week or so. We've talked 2x on the phone, our first telephone conversation was 189 minutes long. He shares a past very similar to mine--married young, socialized little--in fact sort of socially backward, had kids young, wife left him 5 years ago after meeting a younger guy and getting involved with him. He shares my beliefs, we've talked at length about our faith and our testimonies. He's in special ed and has some great insight about my daughter's issues because she's the type of teen he deals with on a daily basis. And he's 9 credits and a dissertation short of his doctorate in his field. He's really intelligent.

And he would like to drive to my city and meet me this week in person. What the heck am I supposed to do?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Erm, yo, you're supposed to get to a doctor, right now, today.

If you could be about to become pregnant (no way it's implanted yet and a good chance it's not fertilized yet), get in there right now, this second, and get yourself a proper physical to give what might happen the best chance it has.

From the sound of it, this may not be an option you'll consider, but if the morning-after pill is something you would consider, you have got to make that decision TODAY. And you need competent medical advice to make that decision. NOW. If fertilization has not happened yet, there may still be a chance to stop it.

And even if you won't consider that route, as I said, get in there NOW and make sure that whatever happens, you're giving it the best possible chance.

LL,

I will not give you the 2X4, as it sounds you are doing quite a huge job of that yourself. (I wouldn't have anyway)

I agree with MOS, please go to the doctor. Be checked for STD's for sure, and see what else you need to do.

Your not a horrible person.
We are human, we can be weak, and we do make mistakes. Try to forgive yourself.

I'm sure your head must be spinning right now. Take some deep breaths and go to the doctor.

As far as the new guy. I think you should be all means try to meet him. Do not let this incident stop you from possibly meeting someone that could be so wonderful.

Take care of yourself.
Karona

All God's children are imperfect. Remember what Jesus said to the people who wanted to stone the woman. "Let the one among you who is free from sin cast the first stone."

Get to the doctor. Share your concerns. Learn from your mistakes. That's all.

If you really think you need a cluebatting, I'll be happy to give you one AFTER the immediate biological emergency is handled. :P

But for now, doctor time, and let us know when you get back.

Hey hun. I'ts OK, and we're here for ya. I've been concerned about ya, since you haven't posted lately. I should have known somethin was up! I certainly understand the laundry list of "what-ifs", but be smart, and get thee to a Dr. to calm your fears. Everything will be OK. Keep talking to us, k?

((((((lordslady)))))))

P.S... what day of the month is it for you? You're most likely to get PG between 12-18. Does that help? Or make you more nervous? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

MOS, you are right in that I would consider the morning after pill a form of abortion with respect to my situation. Believe me, I've thought it, read up on it, and thoght on it some more.

And honestly, even if I did think it was an option, at this point I'd only have about 10 hours to get the darned pills taken before I'm beyond the 72 hour period anyway. This little incident happened about 48 hours ago. I've just been mulling things over in my mind, scared to even post to all of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

As for the STD's, at some point I will be tested. Because I do know a little about this guy--it's not he's a virtual stranger--I'm not as concerned with those kind of things as I am the PG right now.

I know it doesn't usually happen the first time you go without protection, but my son is living proof that it can happen. The only thing I'm banking on is that I was 19 then and in the peak of my fertility. I'm hoping that's decreased in the last 20 years.

What if I'd meet this other guy and then 10 days from now find out that I'm pregnant from my major screwup? What kind of a heel would I be then?

And in general...I just can't get past the thought of how fitting it would be for someone who's big fear in life if being alone forever could actually come true because SHE DID IT TO HERSELF! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

(I know...trust in God. But God has no obligation to pull me out of this one. I went against his will. I'm not sure he can even hear my prayers right now.)

LL

LL:

Your mind is racing - a little bit out of control so please listen to everyone on here. It's important to take care of this "one thing at a time"! Please be diligent. Like everyone says - get to a doc, whether it's at a walk-in health care facility, hospital, GP or etc. Take care of that first. You can get through this, but you have to be proactive. After you've taken care of the physical check-up, get back to us. There are very fine people who care about you on this thread.

FR

Oh, and Faith--day of the month...

That's why I said the timing couldn't have been worse. Try day #14! My only hope is that because I run a shorter cycle, I may have been my most at-risk like 24 hours earlier. From the reading I've done today, it looks like once a woman ovulates, there is only a 12-24 hour window where it can be fertilized before it dies. If I ovulated on more like day #12 (if my 26-day cycle holds true this month--it varies a bit), I might have just dodged the bullet. But I'm seriously thinking the way my life usually works, that I should almost expect the worst.

LL

oops, well, that would make me nervous too. You have to try to relax hun. EVERYTHING will work out. EVERYTHING!!!! No matter what!!!! God will forgive you - all you do is ask. If you are pregnant, what a lucky child!!!! If not, then GOOD LESSON LEARNED!!! If there's STD's, meds and lessons learned....

ok??? yes... there may be some consequences... hopefully only lessons learned, right?

If you're not going to the Dr. right away, go get a PG test. They are supposed to be accurate this soon, aren't they?

Everything will work out. I wish I could give you a hug.

Have you talked to him since?

Faith, you have no idea how much I never wanted to be pregnant again. I love my two kids, but they are the only two I wanted. Granted, I'd accept step kids, but I never wanted to go the pregnancy/delivery route again. It was hard the first times and I was in my 20's.

Yes, I've talked to him. He knows my PG concerns. But he's honest--all he can really say is that the more I talk about it (especially the part about the birth defects risk) the more it freaks him out. He feels he is very shallow but has admitted there are two things he has great difficulty with...elderly people and handicapped kids. I know he's not the only one on this earth like that--my daughter has the very same struggle. But nevertheless, it doesn't bode well for me.

I'm just really scared. And now my sis and kids have showed up at my house, so I have to go make like I'm happy with them. No Dr. visit yet.

And as for the PG test-- a blood test can tell if you're PG within 10 days, so I still have almost 8 days to sit and stew.

LL

I believe the chances are GREATER that NOTHING is wrong. Put your faith in that, k? You're aware of the possibilities. You're prepared to face the responsibility for your actions. Now... think positive until you get some solid answers.

(((((((lordslady)))))

You still need to get to a doctor TODAY.

You may be pregnant. If you are, it deserves the best chance at health, which means you need the best pre-natal care. We all know how important those early days and early cell divisions are. You need to get to a doctor and take care of business right away.

You asked for a cluebat, so here it is:

Your objection to the morning after pill is certainly valid and important. So tell me this, how is it not worse to go ahead with the possible pregnancy and not take the full care of it?

And yay to Faith for bringing up that the odds are in your favor. They are, thank heavens.

I've got a name for you...

How 'bout...hmmmmm....

LordsLady?

Your handle wasn't PerfectWoman...

So that seems good

RBM

RM, thanks for trying to make me feel better. But there are little mistakes, and then there are huge, disasterous, potentially life-altering errors in judgement. This falls in the latter category. It's something that someone who claims to have strong faith and beliefs should never have had to worry about.

I'm making myself paranoid now. And then I read Justpeachy's thread about seriel daters---what the heck am I???? I met 4 different guys within a month, and had multiple dates with two of them. I've been out with this guy a good half-dozen times now, ended up WHERE???? and still am saying, "But I know he and I aren't at all right for each other--too many very important areas where we are at opposite poles with our beliefs" and so I am still entertaining the thought of meeting the one other guy I have been emailing to see if maybe he is more what I'm looking for.

I am screwed up to the max! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Guess dating really wasn't for me. I should have just stayed single and away from guys. Out of sight, out of mine, sort of. Maybe that was God's way of showing me I am supposed to be by myself. That's always been my fear, or my gut feeling anyway. I was calmer and had my act together. I just was lonely...missed having a companion...still had hopes of that Christian husband I've prayed for for so many years, and felt like I was over my ex and ready to try again.

Well, I'm darned well convinced I am over my ex (and he's left a couple very nasty messages in verbally threatening tones lately that just confirm that I made the proper decision to leave him.) But dating, it appears I wasn't ready for. I need to control my emotions more. I let them completely take over after a point.

I called the only clinic in my area that does Saturday walk-ins. They said to come in as soon as possible (assuming I was interested in the morning after pill) because I'd still have til tonight to take it. No way to tell about pregnancy, nor anything to do right now about STDs. I haven't gone in yet. I'm hating myself because I'm so scared of being pregnant and raising a child alone, and of the major health risks that a pregnancy could cause for my heart. I've now gotten to the point where I realize I could actually die from this stupid mistake.

But I think if I took the morning after pill, I'd know if it did its thing, it wouldn't be because it stopped the egg from being fertilized (because if that was going to happen, it's already done), but would be because it kept it from being able to attach (and that's where the abortion idea comes in). I'd never know if I took a life or not. I don't think I could deal with that on top of this.

So I may just wait. As for prenatal care, I'm well-versed in good prenatal care, given that I've had two children of my own and took very good care of myself (short of not giving up caffiene completely), paid attention to Dr's orders, etc. I don't smoke, nor do I drink. I do take Lexapro which might be an issue, but it's not something I can stop cold-turkey anyway, so again it can wait until I find out something next week.

The thing is, the earliest I can possibly find out would be about next Friday, if I could convince a Dr. to do the blood test. And even that is 'iffy'. I am going to end up in a nuthouse before then!

And I feel so far away from God. I am very ashamed, not sure what to say, how to say it, or if he even hears me. (I know, anyone who is an atheist won't understand that comment.) This is a very bad feeling for someone who says they are a Christian. It's the ultimate loneliness.

And I have no one but you guys who I feel comfortable even talking to about this.

LL?

hmmmm... I just don't know what else to say hun. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this.

Try to relax your racing thoughts.... pray the Lord's prayers... re-read our posts to you...

Don't make any hasty decisions about anything. You are too emotional. Calm down, and get your thoughts under control.

Sending hugs and prayers your way....

LL,

There is nothing that cannot be forgiven, that first.

Second, have you considered having your tubes tied if you really don't want to have any more children? Since my wife left and it didn't look like she was coming back, I had a vasectomy. Why? I didn't want to worry about kids if and when I got involved in another relationship.

Remember, everything can be forgiven.

HTH,

T

Lordslady, I agree with RebornMan that Lordslady is a fitting name. Yeah, you may have to deal with some serious consequences, but that doesn't remove you from the Lord's love or care.

And He always hears the prayers of a repentant heart. Yours, of course, has gone quite beyond repentance to self-castigation.

He hears. And He heals.

I will, for the time being at least, refrain from expressing my opinion of a "man" who disrespects a lady's explicitly stated boundaries and puts her at risk of severe consequences without any significant risk to himself.