Hi LL

I am very sorry. Please do the best you can to relax this evening. I don't know what will happen, but I know that God still loves you and cares for you. I know that does not help right now, but it is true.

I don't know what else to say, but I will be praying for you tonight.

hmmm, sounds like a PMS post, you are probably fine.

<gives LL a big squishy hug>

You poor dear. Between the emotional see-saw and the physical one, you must be about exhausted. That's horrible news about the pregnancy test, and the migraine medication -- it must be terribly frustrating.

I already gave my opinion that not dating at all just now was the *best* way (imho) to go, and now I'm just catching up on your thread since then. I think you handled the situation with Mr. #5 very well. I agree with those who said it's important you let him in on this before he invests significant resources in you, and you did exactly that. Good for you. I hope you take a moment to be proud of yourself in the midst of all this kicking yourself -- owning up to all of this as you have been doing takes guts. I'm very happy for you that he still wants to see you, and I hope it goes well!

For another two cents' worth on the guy from last week, I agree with those who say he really doesn't meet a reasonable standard of conduct for someone to consider for dating. He clearly didn't think your stated boundaries were something he needed to bother about respecting (and that's at best -- it sounds like he may have seen them as a challenge to win over). It's just not worth it to spend your time around someone who acts that way.

LL~~

I'm thinking that you are very in tune to your body right now. Probably more so than you have been in a long time.
Maybe what you are feeling is the ovulation cycle, or maybe you are getting closer the big event and going to be early!

Just a thought. They were my first thoughts anyway.

Take care of yourself.
Karona

I really wish you guys were all correct with PMS or all that. However, I'm sitting at Day 19. That's past ovulation, but well before PMS which usually starts at about day 22-23 or later, as I generally run a 26-day cycle. I'm not supposed to get my period until somewhere between a week from today and a week from this Thursday.

So I have a LONG time to wait. And a LONG time to fret. And yes, I'm also very angry with myself because I'm dwelling on it and not trusting that God will work it out according to my good, which is sinning, too.

I need to probably quit thinking about what I'd do if faced with the "boundary" situation again, Because all it does is make me realize just how much I have to lose and what I'm going to miss if I'm PG, because there won't be any boundary issues anymore. Unless I was willing to drop my child off with a friend and go out and sleep with some bar guy every now and then for the physical affection (and that's NOT me), no Christian guy will ever look my way again. (Maybe if I were 22 and PG, NOT at 40!)

If I'm pregnant, I will have a baby (possibly with handicaps) and be alone--no men--no boundaries--no love--no future--ever. That's the most heartbreaking part, because it's what I've desired and longed for more than anything. It's what I've thought about, and prayed for, for years. It's what I thought I might have a chance at when I DV my husband, when he left me. I thought maybe God was going to allow me to experience the Christian marriage I want so badly and never had.

You guys may not understand how much I DO NOT desire to spend the rest of my life alone, without a spouse, without that kind of intimacy and love. Friends and neighbors are great, but they just don't fulfill that empty spot for me. And if I'm PG, I have guaranteed my aloneness.

It's not PMS making me angry. It's that.

LL

I'm rereading my posts and have decided there is nothing anyone can really do right now except let me vent. I truly wish I had someone to call and talk to about this, but I don't. Zero. Nil. Not'a. Can't call parents, can't call sister (she's leaving on vacation early tomorrow--too much on her mind already), can't call a friend, can't call my pastor, can't talk to a coworker. I need a good trusted shoulder to cry on for just a little bit, but there isn't one.

I know, I can talk to God. But he seems very far away.

I think this pretty much sums things up: My XH walked out--I thought I would die without him, because I didn't ever want to be alone. I didn't die...but, I started thinking, "hey, maybe there is someone else out ther for me". Have lived on that hope for a good year now.

And now I'm back to "I'm going to die, because I'm going to be alone forever." But unless I dodge the bullet, it's for real this time. I didn't learn to deal with the thought before. I never became "okay" with spending the rest of my life (as opposed to the year or two I was willing to spend) outside a relationship or without physical intimacy. I feel like that's what I have to get my hands around now. How does one do it--even someone who is a Christian? How do you just relax and smile and say, "Hey, it's all good. I don't need a partner, or a companion, or a lover in my life. I'm fine just the way I am, even if I find myself single-parenting a child until I'm 60 with no family to support me and no involvement from the father."

And just think, 2 minutes spent getting out of his bed and walking out the door at about 2am, instead of letting him convince me it was too late an I needed to stay there and I would be happy as a clam and facing none of this.

LL

For what it's worth LL, you do drama really really good. Not a judgement, and sort of a humor, and an observation...glad you said all you can do is vent...I think that is true, and a little venting can be good for what ails one...maybe you should write all this up and submit it to a magazine, or readers digest or some such....I just know their is some lemonade in here somewhere...and oh yeah, my congrats too on telling the truth.

You know, anxiety can mess up your periods, also. You could maybe even psych yourself into emotionally delaying this one.

Get yourself a basal temperature thermometer and check your temperature every morning and see if that helps or hurts your current distress.

LL, I do think you are worrying WAY too much, and seeing WAY too much into the future. Who has your future all planned out, you or the Lord? You act like if you are PG that is the end of your life, when in reality, no matter what, God makes us a promise in Jeremiah 29:11, For I know the plans I have for you , plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I think that shaming yourself for a mistake you made that lots of people make, whether they are 19, 29, 39, or whatever, is a waste of energy, don't forget that God is bigger than our greatest screwups. You obviously seek forgiveness and now you need to stop going the wrong way. Don't forget the passion of the Christ, he KNEW what we would do, he KNEW that you were going to do this, way before you did, and He has a plan for you regardless- a permitted will- do you trust Him enough or are you just going to wallow? HE has a much bigger plan for you, but you act like this is the end of the world somehow.

Warning--more drama coming... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

To me, if by my own choosing I've cost myself the chance sharing my future with someone I love, who loves me, with all that it entails...then right now, it feels like its about the end of the world.

And none of you, being totally honest, can say, "Oh yeah, LL, I'd still consider dating or marrying a 40-yr-old with an infant that isn't mine."

(I know statistically the odds are still in my favor on the PG issue. But I also know someone has to win the lottery.)

LL

I'm afraid my worst fears may be coming true. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I am spotting just slightly right now. I NEVER, EVER, EVER do that between periods. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

However, when the fertilized egg implants in the uterus, a sign of that can be spotting or light bleeding 6-12 days after conception, per what I read.

I want to crawl in a hole. I don't think I escaped this. I truly think I'm freakin' pregnant! From one mess-up! From one mess-up that didn't even complete!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

And I just had the most wonderful conversation about the Christian man's and woman's role, etc. with the guy I"m meeting tomorrow.

Why???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

LL

I'm not a woman, but can't extreme stress cause this as well? Seems to me I remember reading about this somewhere...

I've been fixed, and am way out of touch with pregnancy kits now, but can't they be used pretty early in the term for testing? I thought those markers showed up pretty quick...

Even so, it would seem pretty unlikely given the scenario you described... I'd lean towards stress...

To my knowledge, stress can cause a host of things (including a late period) but spotting between, especially right about the time implantation would be occurring isn't one of them.

I am sick beyond belief right now with grief, with fear, with sadness, with everything.

I feel like God has turned his back on me because I can't get a grip on my fears, and I'm pretty much 100% certain I'm pregnant given this.

I am pretty in tune with my body, always have been, and knew very early that I was pregnant with both my kids and with the 2 that I miscarried early.

I am scared I'll be alone forever. Scared to death of being a single mother given my already difficult mother responsibilities. Scared I'll lose my home because I can't afford to live here and raise a child. Scared of going through a pregnancy by myself--no support--no one here for me. And honestly, scared I may die, because I have some heart issues that could come into play big time given that pregnancy is a stress on the body, especially at my age.

I want to cry, but can't even do that.

This is the biggest wast of a future that had such potential that I can imagine.

I am shaking. I have no one to talk to.

I'm wondering now if he maybe DID actually sort-of finish and I wasn't aware of it.

LL

Well If I would only follow his instructions lady- do you have a relationship with Jesus Christ, or do you have a rulekeeping book with Jesus? I personally have a relationship. That means I trust Him when I goof up. That means I trust that the blood that He shed for me is much bigger and covers much more than the goofs and screw ups that I have. That means I trust that he knows that I would screw up his LAW and he covered me with his GRACE and he knows my life and will bring me hope and a future with his permitted will no matter what- do you?>
Seems you want to edit his scripture to add that it only works if you do your part- your part is to trust in Him. He DIED for you. You trust in Him. That's the deal. He knows you will sin. That doesn't end when you become a Christian. We blow it even more. And Knight 50 said shame on you in one message and I cringed, you don't need to be shamed anymore- I believe you do a good enough job of shaming yourself. He who has no sin in his life, let him cast the first stone.
The main question here is , do you Trust HIM?

Why not?

Is adoption against your religion?

(((((((((((((((((((((((((LL))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Wow, havent been here for a couple of days. Im glad I checked in.

Relax, no one is perfect. God even forgave and blessed David. Ask God for forgivness and he will help you deal with the consequences. Everyone has given you great advice and support. Let me add my support but I dont want you beating yourself up.

While there is a chance of birth defects in an older mom pregnancy, the reality is that most women your age who find themselves pregnant come through with flying colors and you are at the very low edge of the "Older mom pregnancy" category

Take care and relax, there is nothing you can do right now but wait so keep yourself busy. Check back later.

Deep breath..
smiles,
Dawn

Adgirl,

His blood may cover my sins for eternity, but as stupid and as human as this sounds, I'm scared...right here...right now...down here on earth. I feel as alone as I've ever felt in my life. I feel like all my hopes and dreams (those being a shot at a Christian marriage) are wasted, all because of something that I did.

AFS,

Okay, I tried to call my pastor this morning, but couldn't get him. So I'm still stuck, because once I get to work, I won't have the privacy to be able to talk to him.

Adoption--yes, that's gone through my mind like 10,000 times. Could I give up a baby? I don't know. Do I have the ability to raise one on my own, in my situation, with no support from family or the father--not really.

Sunrise,

I know odds are in my favor as far as a positive outcome with a pregnancy, but odds were also in my favor (should have been WAY in my favor) as far as not being PG, but that is seeming more and more likely as I experience these early signs that point that direction. So I know one can defy odds.

And my biggest fear would be to be alone forever, raising a handicapped child by myself--no companion, no lover, no support. Just me, with it all on my shoulders, and no one to turn to for help.

So I'm strugging. I feel like if I really trusted God, I wouldn't be shaking and making myself sick. I'd just be saying "It's okay, I'm not going to worry about it--what happens, happens." But that's not what's happening, and I can't seem to get a grip and stop the spiral.

LL

Let me add one more thing. I am 49. Since my early 40's there were many times I thought I was pregnant even though we used control (I couldnt take the pill for health reasons)

I experience the same signs as you, cramping and spotting, even though I had never had that before and was pretty in tune with my body as well.

Several times I bought preg tests only to get my period shortly thereafter. And when all was said and done I kicked myself for getting so upset and stressed. It could be just your age playng tricks on your body, at this stage in your life there will be changes. During perimenopause things dont happen the way they always have. I thought monthly periods just got further apart and then stopped. More often it gets more frequent and the bleeding is heavier before it slows down. Point is.. Just relax and dont get upset, I have been there before and stress wont help.

LL,

I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. I know there is not much you can do but wait, and I cannot tell you don't worry, but please try to stay as calm as you can.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

It sounds like you have an answer on that one right there. It's a good thing, not a bad thing, to realistically assess what you can handle well and what's loads you to the point you're not doing things well anymore.

I'm still hoping for a negative pregnancy test. Wierder things than a little spotting have happened to people because of stress. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />