I am in a plan A and nothing seems to improve. All she talks about is wanting to proceed with a D that she has filed. She sent a note about wanting to remain friends and I assume that means after a D. I want an opinion on sending her the following:

My Dearest WS,

I didn’t sleep much last night so I thought a lot about the note you sent and decided maybe a second reply would be in order.

Quote: “I am terribly sorry for all the hurt and pain I have caused you and everybody else involved in this nightmare.”

I have lost people in my life that I have loved and people that I was close to, my mom, my best friend, business associates, to name a few. Death is a natural tragedy, it is part of life. It hurts, but you accept it and move on. Betrayal is not natural. As far as I know it is unique to human nature, even in the animal world I don’t think that unfaithfulness exists. The pain of being betrayed hurts beyond anything I have ever had to endure. And the pain is then shared with the rest of our family members. It also casts doubts in the lives of our children, who by example now know that they will NEVER be able to trust anyone with their soul. That in itself is a tragedy. My life was complete because I had a soul mate that I trusted completely with my life, my heart and my soul. To have that shattered is a life changing event. You used the word nightmare and I think that is appropriate. The best part of a nightmare is the dawning of the next day. Honey, I am praying for that dawn. All nightmares come to an end. Let’s get on with our lives.

Quote: “We have both said and done so many things to each other at this point, very hurtful things and I can't tell you how sorry I am for my part.”

I too am very sorry to have said the things I said when I became out of control. As I have told you before, there can be no right way to react, because there is nothing right about what is taking place. I wish I hadn’t been so demeaning. I do actually understand how an affair can start. I do understand how it can be exciting to think about. But when you consciously crossed the line and went head long into an adulterous affair with a married man, you knew what you were doing. You know right from wrong, yet you went ahead, knowing the pain and destruction you would cause. No one in your life, the ones that love you, deserved this decision.

Quote: “I truly want to stay your friend and hope someday that will be possible again. I know right now it seems impossible, but I really think it is.”

I desperately am seeking a friend to help me get through this ordeal, the worst of my life. I am your husband and as your husband I am:
Your very best friend
Your lover
Your confidante
Your support, emotional and financial
I am all this and much more.
Do I want to be your friend? NO, I want to be your husband. I assume you ask about being friends because of your obsession with a divorce. You must obsess with that because OM tells you what a wonderful thing it is so shatter a person’s life. Your lover lied to his wife, he betrayed her, and he destroyed her, chewed her up and then spit her out like a bad taste. This is a man you would throw away so much for? If we do wind up divorced I don’t see a friendship coming out of that. Would it make you feel better to look down at me like a puppy with sad puppy eyes and pat him on the head and say “I told you we could be friends”. No WW, a friend would never lie to a friend. A friend would never betray a friend. Yes I need a support group. Think about your friend, X. Would she ever lie to you? Would she ever betray you? Think now about what a friend is.

Quote: “I do still care very much for you and always will.”

PROVE IT.
1)End this sinful affair now; I can help you with that.
2)Start working with me to repair the damage that has been done
3)Read the materials that I have made available to you
4)Go with me to marriage counseling and resolve to have the best marriage anyone ever had
5)Prove me wrong. Give this a chance, and if I am wrong after a year of truly trying, I will split everything with you 50/50 and we will go on our separate ways. But at least then you will do it with a clear mind and not with the pressure of a soon to be divorced married man influencing your thinking.
6)If I am right and we are happy, then I would like your father to help us renew our vows in a nice ceremony in their hometown.

You have mocked me for using the computer so much. You even accused me of having an internet affair. Look at the pot call the kettle black. No Dear, I will not be involved in any affair, internet or otherwise. I am a married man and will remain faithful as I promised to do. I have been on the internet because I have found a support group that actually cares about me. That may be hard for you to comprehend, but there have been times when I probably could have given up. It was at those times they offered me the strength and encouragement to go on. I don’t have the comfort of a lover to help me through this. Please allow me this small comfort without the comments. I too need some support.

I have prayed a lot through this. As Alan Jackson sang “I can’t talk to God without yelling anymore”, I do find myself yelling. It is hard for me to understand how God would let this happen to decent people. I do know that the God I pray to would not condone an adulterous affair.

I’m sorry to have rambled on for so long. I really doubt you will take the time to read this far, you are too wrapped up in your own little world. You have turned your back on your husband, your family and your friends. I hope someday soon you are able to find the strength to right the wrong.

I love you. I CAN forgive you. I am willing to give you the rest of my life, please don’t take that lightly.

Love,
Hurtsalot99

Here is what I told him about the letter:

I wouldn't send the letter. See, she is emotionally detached from you right now. Any relationship talk will only serve to push her away and make her defensive. The worst thing you can do right now is make her defensive because it PREVENTS her from seeing what she is doing wrong. There are also numerous disrespectful judgements [although true] in this letter. That doesn't help you right now.

Right now, you should focus on attracting her back by being as pleasant [not wimpy!] as possible. Ask yourself if your actions are attractive. Ask yourself if you look better than the OM in everything you do with her.

Eventually, fatboy will mess up and lovebust her because he doens't have the benefit of this program. That will give you an advantage if you do your best to be attractive. Attract her back frm that sleazebag!

Hurtsalot -

Forget the letter. She is not going to appreciate it at all. That is just the way WS's are.

Well OK then. I guess it entertained me for a little while as I wrote it. I appreciate the good advice as always.

Hurtsalot,

I bet writing that letter was more than just entertaining for you. Actually, what I mean is that I doubt it was entertaining at all. I think you probably benefitted from writing that all down. I think it is a great letter, you are really clear about what needs to happen to save the marriage and continue your relationship, but as the vets advised, such a letter will not improve your situation at this time.

ewon

HAL,

It is a good letter. Don't throw it away. I think you should send it but that's only my opinion. I wrote a similar letter to my WS who was very foggy at the time. Maybe save it and send it when she looks like she is coming out of the fog a bit more. You will have to decide.

My letter then set the tone since it was more factual as you wrote. Unfortunately it was long winded but like you wrote, I got my points across.

Please be patient and get a few more comments. I'd be interested in seeing what JL, Brynap, Chris123 and other BS H's have to say.

BTW, I certainly respect the opinions of those who posted to you. I know it must be hard to weigh in on so many opinions. But in the long run, it will help you be balanced in your decision.

take care,
L.

Hurtsalot
I agree with most here that sending that letter at this time would serve little purpose other than to reinforce your WW convictions.
The letter is a fine letter for the most part (See Melody's comments) and conveys your feelings and plans well, but I am afraid it will fall on deaf ears while she is in her fantasy world.
Be patient, be attractive, be as strong as you possibly can. Present her with an image of you that portrays what she will lose.
Her fantasy lover will present himself in his true light once reality hits him. At that point the reality of her mistake will hit her hard.
That is the time to present her with the letter you wrote!

SM

Thanks to all who responded. The general concensus seems to be wait until the fog lifts. The tension between us is to strong, I don't see the fog ever lifting. So I guess it is my instinct to lash out and try to hurt her, thinking that I can somehow snap her out of the fog and back to reality. It is very difficult to even stay at the house when she is there now, I am at the office now so I can use the computer in peace. She wants a confrontation everytime I see her. We had a pretty good one this morning.

But if I do decide to send the letter, I'll blame it on Orchid. LOL

It helps to hear from so many of you. I get so down sometimes and this forum is such a help. I couldn't have gotten this far without it. Thanks

Hurts,

Still love that letter. Let's wait and see if we can get more guy's to repsond. Be on the look out for JustLearning, ChrisCA123 or Chris123, Brynap, Toomcuhcoffeeman,Dewt, Redhat, Motorman, Lemonman, Cymanca, or some of the other guys. WAT is good at taking this stuff apart but I hear he on vacation.

take care,
L.