Hello all. Hope every one has been well. I know that it must seem like forever since I last posted and I apologize to all of you my friends for being so unavailable, but the truth is that I’ve been gone for almost 3 weeks and only just arrived home last Thursday. So anyway, for those who may be interested here is my rather lengthily up date…so for you few brave souls who may be interested…read on, LOL and on, and on and on…LMAO.

First, the Wedding! All I can say is wow! We had it in Vermont on my brother’s farm. Four big tents were set up and it was fantastic. My brother is truly a gem. The whole thing was catered by the local Swiss restaurant and the food was divine! Between Laura, my wife and my sister in law, this thing was planned down to the last detail and it went off beautifully.

The whole weekend was beyond anything. Thursday, my brother hosted an informal barbeque for all of us (family) who arrived early. I was taking pictures all night, LOL. Then Friday, Donna & Larry (the groom’s parents) hosted a rehearsal dinner at one of the locals Inns. She really did it up! There were over 150 people in town by then and the party was great! I can’t believe how many California people came! It was amazing! My new son in law has a very large and close family and they all came! Then his and Laura’s friends all came (San Francisco folks) and of course, friends of Donna and Larry’s came as well. What can you say about that many people traveling across country to Vermont of all places…to celebrate a wedding?

And let me tell you all…that place just isn’t that easy to get too! You have to fly into either Boston or Albany. From Albany it’s a 2-hour car ride or from Boston it’s a 3-hour ride. And there are no hotels in the area at all. None! The place is filled with country Inns however and they are all 4 star places. Very pricy to say the least…but great! So the wedding party filled up everything in and around Bennington and Manchester for that weekend! I am embarrassed to say that we had over 400 guests! People came from as far away as Israel, Budapest, Toronto, San Francisco, Paris and London. Can you believe it?

When it was decided who to invite, my wife explained that you send out all these invitations knowing there’s absolutely no chance that most of these people would come…well guess what? They all came! But what a party! The entire weekend was just one huge party.

So we stayed at a place called the 1811 House; it’s amazing…right out of the historical register. Just Fabulous! All antiques and formal parlors…to enjoy a glass of sherry late in the evening! LOL Can you imagine? Well, they give you breakfast every morning and of course I ate it…all! LOL. Everything with sweet cream and butter and home made and so forth and so on! And now I need borax shot into my veins to clean them out! Oh the cholesterol!

The wedding went off…but with a major hitch that has had huge ramifications. To begin, I went up there by myself…flew up with out my wife…she came up on Friday. We slept in the same room and the same bed…obviously…once she arrived…but it was not pleasant. Not unpleasant mind you…it was just not important…she could be there or any where else and it wouldn’t have mattered to me…And of course she was acting very “wifely”…and acting like she just didn’t notice…wanting to check out my suite and what shirt and tie I was going to wear , etc…my wife is very fashion conscious when it comes to me…wants me to always look appropriate…in her opinion… or should I say, what she wants is for me to meet her standards of appearance!…(As if she would ever have to worry!) Talk about controlling or more to the point, presumptuous!

For you ladies, the wedding party was dressed in shades of pink so my wife worse a black cocktail dress with a hot pink shrug…shrugs are big I’ve been given to understand, LOL. So she dressed the whole thing up with great accessories…shoes, bag and jewelry. She looked great…I have to say it…she really looked hot…but then, she always does.

My daughter? She took my breath away! Literally! When I first saw her in her wedding gown…to take pre-wedding photos…she looked like she had stepped out of the pages of a 40s movie magazine. She looked so glamorous! And thin…my God…it looked like she hadn’t eaten anything for the last 3 months! Now I know that every man’s daughter is the most beautiful woman in the world…especially on her wedding day…but honestly…I was standing there with my mouth agape…wondering who this thing of beauty belonged too…who was she and where did she come from?

So here’s how everything went down. My kids were terrific. My wife met with them all together, (including Laura) and read them a letter that she wrote to them. It was basically a chronology of her relationship with me beginning seven years ago…when she cheated.

It described what happened at that time and what we both agreed to after the fact…so that we could continue together as a family. It was a very cold letter and factual to the best of both of our memories. The major disagreement when writing this letter occurred with our mutual definition of infidelity. I told her that her relation ship with the Prof was as far as I was concerned, just a heinous as it would have been had she been sleeping with him every day for the last 6 months.

My view point was simple; she betrayed me. It was not about sex or lack of sex, (she still swears that nothing physical occurred). It was in the secret relationship she enjoyed with another man…the intimacies she shared with him while having that relationship and that she did it knowing how I would react to it…and knowing it was wrong…other wise she wouldn’t have kept it a secret. We didn’t go into any further details…the things she said to me and about me…my feelings about the man she had this relationship with…and the things we said to each other about this man…we just didn’t go there in this note. This note was intended to be her admission of wrongful behavior…behavior that she wouldn’t recommend or condone in any of her children…hello Laura!

I was not present when she read them the letter. I was already at my brother’s house…waiting for my family to show up. Nothing was said about it…by the kids to me…or me to them. Laura however, was very cool to me…acting in a perfunctory manner rather then a loving manner.
As for the no contact letters to the Prof and letters of apology to his daughter and wife…well who knows what the reaction was by those people? And in truth…I just don’t care any more. I feel bad for his wife but I kind of think she’s in a better place now anyway, so good for her. This whole mess was the final indignity that she was willing to endure. It was closure to her. A justified conclusion, I suppose, to a bad bargain. I will speak to her in the next week or so…just to see how she is…(I feel that some one in our family owes her that much respect…so I will call) but otherwise…the matter with her is closed. I don’t expect to ever see her again.

As for the Prof or his daughter, I decided that Laura will have a relationship with either or both if she chooses to. It is up to her. However, in a separate letter to Laura, I had explained that I expect her to never bring up those person’s names in conversations with her mother or myself, from this point forward. And if she can’t understand why this is important…not just to me…but important for all involved, then there is nothing further that I can do.

So it was against this backdrop of mixed feelings that we all decided to celebrate. And if the atmosphere wasn’t everything I could have wished, it was still OK…that is until the reception.

The ceremony itself was lovely and both my wife and my self gave Laura away. People cried, laughed drank champagne and cold water during the service it self. The marriage took place in a formal garden and the wedding planner insisted that there not be seating for everybody…that instead the chic thing was for many to be standing around the garden watching…so what do I know? I’m just the “schmuck” paying the bill right?

It was almost 90 degrees so we had huge ice filled tubs with bottled water or demy-bottles of champagne for any and all. It was really pretty nice…and I did cry a lot…watching Laura make the 7 circles around her new husband…signifying her acceptance of her new role…that as loving and obedient wife and of future mother…and as such…the guardian of the holy Jewish traditions that were first demanded by God as his price…for his gift to Abraham.

It was awe inspiring to realize that for five thousand years…men and woman have been making this same promise…in the same way…in the same words…in an unbroken circle…before man and God. The holy chupah (a small structure with no walls) in which they were married was covered by the talaisim (prayer shawls) of my dead father and two grandfathers. My daughter and my new son drank their prayer wine from a silver Kiddush cup brought here by my great, great grandfather…(my mother’s grandfather)…from Germany well over 200 years ago…this occasion was very solemn to me…now a bitter sweet memory.

Then on to the cocktail hour and reception. So for two hours folks stood chatted and drank while the sun was still up. Laura was circulating and didn’t really have much time for me so we didn’t get to speak. I did share a few minutes with my new son in law however, and that was nice. I was with friends and family and not with my wife to much. It was all very celebratory. And then it was time for dinner.

So off we all went to another tent and the music of a 12 piece orchestra brought up from New York for the evening…(a gift from my brother)…Well Wow! What a sound! And the tables were all white linen, silver and crystal. And the flowers….everywhere…flowers!...I must say it was extraordinary…and I was so proud…that I could do this…and that people…my brother…felt so much a part of me and for me that he wanted to provide other little extras that made the evening border on opulent…I cried.

That people from so far away came to be there with us…that they gave so much of themselves to be there with us…And my wife…she looked so beautiful…so elegant…so in control…My children were together…and my grand children…For that one shining moment in time…I felt that my life had realized it reason for being…that I was all that my father before me had been…that I had met my fate and not come away wanting or being less then I was expected to be…and yes, that one moment was worth everything to me…everything!

But the moment passed…as moments do…and as moments should do! After all, it can only be in the moment that special attains its true meaning. And if all that comes after is found wanting in comparison to that one moment in time…so what? I had my shining moment…I had been well and truly gifted…by fate…by circumstance…by friends, family and loved one…by Great God almighty himself.

After that the evening progressed…dinning, dancing, conversation…kisses and hugs…great wine and let’s not forget the fireworks! LOL Yes my brother struck again! Fire works for goodness sake! And then it all fell apart.

After the wedding cake was cut I took the floor for the traditional father daughter dance with the bride…and as I took my daughter in my arms she looked up at me and told me that she would never forgive me for having ruined her special time…with my mean spirited, sick paranoia and for having held her hostage with my presence…to demand that two of her closest friends in the world…people that she loved dearly…not be there to share this moment with her. That I had ruined this time for her by causing a rift between she and her husband, her brother and her sisters…and had hurt her mother with my nasty suspicions and sick possessive nature. And then she turned and walked away from me, leaving me alone on the dance floor.

Well as I turned and walked back to my table, my wife stood there…her face as white as a sheet…my children looked stricken…no body understanding what they had seen…the bride walking away from her father…going back her friends…leaving me there alone on the dance floor…all the guests watching and wondering what had just happened…I almost threw up. I admit it…for a moment I felt faint. I got a buzzing feeling in my mouth and the room started to spin…I got to my chair and sat down…totally stunned.

At that point others began to dance…the first to reach me was my brother…and then my kids…I just shook my head and told them we would all talk later but for now, I had to leave…they said nothing…made no attempt to stop me…rather they just accepted this as what I had to do…understood…and simply asked if I was ok to drive…and if I would be ok alone for a while?...I smiled, told them all that I loved them and got up to walk to the car.

It was while I waiting for the nice young man to bring me the car that my wife finally caught up to me…she told me that she had already spoken to Laura and that we would all discuss the situation later on but for now,…she told me firmly…I was to not cause anyone any further embarrassment or problems…that I had caused this entire matter to be out of control…I had thrown my little snit…and it was all to end right now…that I was to just get a grip on myself…come back to the table, sit there and just say nothing…until it was time for us to go back to the Inn…I made no remark…at that point my car was brought to me so I just got in and drove away.

I went back to the Inn…packed and drove off to Boston…It was about 1:00 am when I got to Boston and checked into the Hilton. And that’s where I’ve been for almost the last three weeks.

The phone calls started ringing on my cell by around 4:00 AM but I couldn’t answer…I couldn’t even move. So the calls kept coming…never stopping…until I finally picked up the call from my brother and explained where I was. We talked briefly and I promised to call him every day…with out fail.

It seems that police in 4 states had been alerted and although not officially a missing person, they did agree to watch hospitals and accident reports. Yes I know…quite a scene ha? Oh the drama!...there’s that word again…drama…and all I wanted was to just quietly go off alone…lick my wounds...cry…feel sorry for myself…and wonder what the rest of my life was going to be like…with out my wife.

Boston is where I grew up and for quite a while I’ve been thinking thoughts about never seeing this place again. So being there was strange…comforting in a way but still strange. I’ve moved myself out of Boston to the Rockport/Gloucester area. I’ve been swimming at all the beached I used to go to as a kid…Cranes Beach, Plum Island, Half Moon Beach…I’ve gorged myself on boiled lobster, clams, haddock, cod and even smelts! LOL Steamers galore and sweet corn have become a staple…and of course beer…ice cold beer. I have bought and read no less then 28 hard cover novels …no more paper backs for me…I deserve to own hard covers now so screw it…it’s a luxury I can give myself. All crap of course…but I’m having fun…and the escape is great! Movies have also been great! Hello Star Wars and War of the World. LOL…I know, academy awards will never be the fate of these flicks but they’ve been good.

I’ve also had rather long conversations with my brother and all of my kids…except Laura…but she’s on her honey moon anyway…Balli…where else? And to be honest…I’m actually kind of pleased about that…because I don’t want to speak to her…not for a very long time at least…if ever again. And I mean that. I love her and will always love her but I just don’t like her…not even a little bit. The thought of seeing her again is very upsetting to me…she doesn’t seem to want or need a father…at least this particular father…and I’m not a person that is so needy as to be willing to go where I’m not either welcome or even wanted…so I’ve come to terms with it…at least for now.

I’m comfortable with the situation for now. My son understands me totally and the other girls do as well...but they’re all sad about the whole thing…and rightly so…it’s a sad situation…but one that exists and needs to be recognized. I have no plans to be childish about this thing…trying to punish her by causing them to be disapproving of her or their mother for that matter. I will make it as easy as I can…not creating situations requiring them to make choices…I just want a chance to put all this behind me…which brings me to my soon to be former wife.

Everything is in the hands of my lawyer now and has been for the two weeks past. The financials are complicated but it will work out. More complicated is my wife’s attitude. She is bonkers! Our separation for two weeks has apparently left her unbalanced, LOL

She goes away for weeks at a time (hello San Francisco!)…and never gives me a thought…but now I’m the bad one!...so guess what her opening line was when we finally spoke to each other…the week after while I was still up north….

“Not one telephone call?...Not one before bed call like we agreed on?...Not one morning call…that is also part of the deal?”… “Where have you been and who have you been with?”… “And how could you just leave the way you did…how could you humiliate me…disappearing the way you did?”…”you never showed up for brunch on Sunday or to wish your daughter well on her honey moon…do you realize what people must have thought…Donna, Larry…their friends and family…and Anthony your new son in law.”…”when you get home we have a lot to discuss…this behavior of yours is just un acceptable…and to let me worry about you all this time…and that night you ran off and left…do you know what was going through my mind…that you were dead some where!”

And on and on and on…and to be fair she was crying…and wanting to know if she could come up and be with me…and wanting to know how I was feeling…and she also told me how sorry she was about what Laura said to me…but how it will all be OK…but that really we needed to put this whole silly mess behind us…and just not discuss it any longer…because after all…she did nothing really wrong…(like she did last time)…and in spite of my nasty suspicions…she didn’t have sex with “that man.”…

So what was I getting so crazy about…and was it really worth my relationship with Laura…And her solution…when we visit Laura (upon her return from her honey moon)…we will all have dinner together…she and I, Laura and Anthony and of course the Prof and his daughter…(she was sure that the Prof and his daughter would understand)…and he would tell me to my face how wrong I was about everything…and then I would of course need to apologize to him about his wife…but she knowing what kind of man I am…just knows that I will…yada, yada, yada…and then everything will be all right…not!

I don’t know how many months it takes in Florida…to get a final divorce…and it doesn’t really matter because the problem was never how long but if I should? And now I know that even though I don’t want too…I have too…because I can’t live this way any more. She loves me…I know she does…but she is flawed…and she will hurt me again and again…this time it cost me a daughter…maybe…what will her next time take from me…more of my dignity…more of my sense of self…more jokes at my expense…a knowing self satisfied smirk on her face…I see it in unguarded moments…she enjoying her silent victory over me…enjoying her ability to get away with it…yet again.

I’m tired now but I’ll post again tomorrow or Monday. We are still in the same house and things are getting a bit sticky to say the least…but it will be OK.

Coach

Coach,

We have all been so worried....I am practically speechless about the update - but it sound like you;re in a very good mental/emotional state for what you've been through.

Glad you're getting some personal space, and some rest.

I absolutely don't know what to think about your daughter. I hope she comes to realize the enormity of her misbehavior some day.

Oh Coach, God bless you. I know your post was extremely painful. I am so sorry.

Dearest Coach -- I hope you are still talking to me, I dropped off the boards for several weeks principally because I can't stand fighting with people (I didn't even read your reply). But I did want to pipe in and express my whatever for you at this time.

What Laura did -- even if she was 100 percent right in all her perceptions (which I don't concede) -- was mean-spirited and cruel. She will regret it -- not because of anything that you will do to retaliate, but because as you and I both know, in nine times out of ten it is best to keep one's mouth shut. ("A closed mouth gathers no feet," as my father used to say.) To save up one's spite for an occasion that should be joyful for all is unconscionable. To behave this way towards the man paying the bills is insanely self-defeating...let alone ungrateful.

Clearly you are a very emotional man, and this is all weighing on you more than it might on most. (See my own thread; I seem to have an infinite capacity for eating drek.) Your family must know you are emotional -- so why are they acting surprised that you responded emotionally to events???

It is good that you started a new thread -- but what are you doing starting it on weekends??? Everybody's been worried about you, but nobody's here now.

A Truly Powerful Testimony.

I applaud your amazing strength for being willing to share in such open manner.

Wishing you Only success in the choices your making for your Health and future.

coach,

I am so sorry things turned out the way they did. I agree that your daughter's comments were incredibly ill-spirited and calculated to cause as much pain as possible. I am still mad at my father for his infidelity, but instead of saying things I might regret I have chosen to remove myself from his company untill I can act with a cool head and not say something I might regret sooner or later.

I can't imagine what possesed her to do such a thing, and I must say that to me it looks like your wife and your daughter have spun most of the drama from what I gather, and now they are trying to stick it all up to you.

You did well leaving, and you did well giving yourself some time off to reflect and remove yourself from the turmoil. Sure you could have told your brother a little earlier so people wouldn't go insane trying to find you and causing more drama, but whats done is done, and I can very easily put myself in your shoes.

I just wanted to let you know we have been thinking about you and that I am glad you checked in to let us know you were alive and not kidnaped to some far away planet.

...or committed some unspeakable crime and are now incommunicado in jail...

...or kidnaped by a tribe of incredibly beautiful amazons...

...or newly elected to the presidency of an emerging third world democracy...

Hello Coach,

I am absolutely sick reading your post. I do not wish to generalize but I too was brought up in a Jewish family and I am afraid that your daughter is a perfect example of a little princess. How unbelievably cruel and heartless. She is spoiled beyond belief.

It is clear that your wife not only does not get it but will never get it. Expecting you to have dinner with the Professor and apologizing to him is simply beyond comprehension. Because she seems incapable of ever truly getting it, I agree that it would be a matter of time until she hurts you again emotionally, physically and financially.
It is a shame we can truly love someone and they will still always be the wrong person. I am so sorry for what you have gone through. It is indeed time to move on. Enough is enough!

My heart aches for you but my soul prays for your daughter. Unfortunately her words to you on that dance floor are a witness to her complete lack of understanding for the vows she just pledged.

I am afraid her education will come at a very great price.

Prayers from an old altar boy to you and your family at this terrible time.

What's really sad is that, if nothing had happened, these people probably would have disappeared from her life within a few years anyway. These friendships usually come and go with the passage of time. To lose them due to misunderstanding, crisis, whatever, is misfortune, but no great tragedy.

To stab one's father for the sake of them is not only nasty and ungrateful, it is short-sighted and self-defeating. Friends come and go, but a father is part of your life, part of who you are. You will be the grandfather to her children, her link to her own past.

Trust me, coach, she'll leave to regret it deeply, if she's any kind of a person at all. Cymanca is right to pray for her; I wonder if the groom is starting to wonder about the kind of woman he just married...

I'll go away now.

Dear Coach,

Good to hear you are safe and sound. As for the drama in your life, well I am sorry all sadness happened amidst the happier moments. You sure captured 'em well. Riveted to your post like reading a novel but the reality hit harder. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You know you can't control them but you can control yourself. So please take care and let us know how we can help.

With all that drama, your home is safe? NO hurricane accidents right?

L.

To have her parents jointly agree on such a letter and have one of the parents read this to the entire family on the day of the wedding ... well, this stinks!

Coach, were you in favor of this awful letter?

Pesonally, I think this was a very disrespectful letter toward the bride and groom!

Yes, I agree. After all, this day was their day ~ it was about their wedding ~ not about your wife and you. Not an appropriate time to air dirty laundry, IMO.

You may owe them an apology too.

I'm wondering why this couldn't have waited.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Susan

[/quote]

To have her parents jointly agree on such a letter and have one of the parents read this to the entire family on the day of the wedding ... well, this stinks!

Coach, were in favor of this awful letter?

Pesonally, I think this was a very disrespectful letter toward the bride and groom!

[/quote]

Pep:

Do you mean: "Coach were you in Favor of this awful letter"

and "I think this was a very disrespectful letter toward the bride and groom"?

Am I reading what you said wrong? It doesn't make sense to me...but hey, alot of things here don't make sense to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sour..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Remember, she's looped on cough syrup and Afrin nose spray. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I think that is what she means.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I figured that. I want to "buy" whatever it is that Pep is taking. It must be some gooooood stuff.

Sour... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm really sorry for your situation, Coach. It sounds very, very painful. For you, for your wife, for your daughter.

I'm thinking maybe you missed something, probably because you were so very much hurt by what your daughter did.

The little girl you remember from when she was two or three years old. Do you remember holding her when she sobbed over some small thing that was terribly wrong, and only you could fix it? Do you remember making it better just with a kiss and a cuddle and taking the time to listen and care for her?

She's still there, Coach. She was sobbing on that dance floor. I heard it plain as day. I heard her crying out to you to fix it -- just as you did when you were her giant hero. You still are that to her, you know. Even as she was treating you with fury on the outside. That will never change. The only question is whether that image of you will be a loving one or an angry one.

Anger arises out of terrible pain. You know that. You've been there. Are you surprised that in her moment of terrible pain, your young daughter (for she is still very young) reacted in anger?

I guess I'm wondering, Coach. Is there anything you can do to help this situation? Not a Big Giant Fix, but just something that will make it 5% better. There's a whole lot of life in which we can create more love and less pain -- is there anything you can do to make things a little better?

Because, well, I have a sense that your daughter might not be the only one to live to regret this moment of terrible pain. And I'd like to see it begin to heal.

For that matter, I'd like to see the healing with your wife, too. Just a little, 5% step. Because there's an awful lot of pain in the world.

And you'll feel more valuable and a whole lot better about yourself when you start to look for healing instead of more punishment. You'll find healing, I think. It might be time to look.

When I told my H about what happened during and after your father/daughter dance he immediately said that you should not have left. You should have been the grown up head of the family, the Dad, and put your 'feelings' aside until the end of the evening or even until after the brunch.

I did counter that you were almost not going to go to the wedding at all...

Your DD was still behaving like an immature DD...and yes, she was wrong to have brought those feelings up at that particular time. It all could have waited.

But should haves do nothing now because we weren't there living it in the moment as you were and those things are all done now.

I understand your hurt and pain.

I hope you can make peace with your DD. She obviously has a totally skewed view of what has happened and believes the watered down, innocent version that her mother must have fed her all along. It is all very sad.

You owe nothing to the Prof and his daughter. Amazing that your wife's mind works like that.

I am glad you are safely back. Many of us were worried about you.