Ok...let's change subjects here to something more pleasant.

Aside from the xh crapola of the previous week. Bleech.

Here's a double bleech. Serial daters are running amuck in Atlanta!

Have been talking for last 2 weeks with a guy I met online. spoke to him b/c we had so much in common. Ironically he is anesthetist w/old hospital where my old group worked at...we know so many of same people...he seemed safe.

Things went awesome. We talked 1 night for 2 hours. He seemed like prince charming. And he may still be. But I am now donning my "runaway former bride" (minus the googly eyes and psycho behavior of some other chick from my area)shoes...I feel the laces tying now.

We were supposed to go out tonight. Bought cute outfit, new purse, and touched up manicure...the whole shebang basically.

He went to the naval academy and some of his friends from outta town came in town this weekend. He thought he'd see them friday night (assured me) and then he called about an hour ago to say that he is seeing them tonight b/c they never come in town and that we'd have to rechedule. Isn't that a bit late for you? I mean....

So I ask him point blank. If you don't want a date, then tell me. He says he wants to go out. I say if he's met somebody else then tell me...He says he's not a serial dater like the rest of the online guys. I ask him point blank if he is talking or seeing anybody else...this guy meanwhile assured me that if our date goes well, he will resign from the match thing and we'll walk off happily....

He says that he has yes, gone out last week w/somebody and that while it is not written in stone, he'd gladly tell her that he will not see her anymore if things work out w/me. He says this date reschedule is really about timing and not about anything personal with me.

All this happened today and I am so up and down. I almost cried after I got my manicure touch up.

I can't to this day...tell if a guy is a player or if they are being honest. And all that is thanks to the wonders of my xh, marriagebuilders SCHMUCH OF THE CENTURY, darth.

Having heard das spinmeister lie so much to me, I run at the first hint of anything peculiar or anything that makes my antennae stand up. If a guy does 1 thing outta line or looks at me wrong, I am outta there.

If you got my cell number. Call me. The computer crap at home is NOT fixed. Help!

I believe you have to be a little more trusting... until they give you definite reason NOT to trust them. Invest a little more time into a relationship before expecting too much (commitment) from them. I think dating another is fine while you are just getting to know someone. Once you decide you really like them (perhaps after you have dated him 2-3 times), then you would have a right to say "lets be exclusive". After all, he gave you that offer. But it seems like you are grilling him pretty hard - doubting him quite a bit - and not really giving him a chance - before ya'll are even out of the starting gate. Be careful not to bring darth's presence into every new relationship.... every man will not be like him. Red flags are OK... just don't go too far into a relationship if there are red flags... but you have to trust a little <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Freaking out, over-analyzing, and being paranoid will run them off and you won't ever get a chance to get to know them, andwon't ever get a chance to let them prove themselves to you.

There's good guys out there.

hugs,
Faith1

peachy...
not all guys are players....im not and i just landed a very nice lady...got pics to prove it right faithful...
give him a chance..the naval academy..those friendships run deep and if he only sees them once and a while let him see them...if he does not act right after a few dates, then punt

I get all confused about this "serial" dating stuff. What if you are conversing with more than one person at a time? Met both at around the same time from an online dating site. You're trying to get to know each other better, maybe are enjoying both of them so far, would like to meet in-person, etc. You don't want to rule either out this early in the acquaintance. What are your "obligations"...what is the etiquette..in terms of exclusivity???? I mean, it's not like you're "going steady" or whatever it's called now.

If asked about it, I will tell a guy that I'm doing some dating, but not exclusively. Some are immediately offended. Some seem to think that once you chat more than a few times, it should be exclusive. Some seem to expect that once you've met in person, and want to see each other again, that you're now exclusive. I don't do much dating at all. But I have run into these situations.

I don't want to mislead or hurt anyone's feelings. Nor do I want others to assume certain levels of commitment. I have had one situation where the other person and I clearly discussed this issue. We both agreed that we weren't exclusive. On the otherhand, when would be the "right" time to even bring the issue up???????

I don't want to be hurt anymore through deceipt....or hurt anyone else. But sometimes I'm not clear where the boundaries are at, and/or who is responsible for bringing concerns up...and when.

Thoughts?

The outfit will keep. You know, if someone with whom he's been friends for a long time is coming to town and they'll only be there a few days - well, that's something I think he should give the greater priority. You know, they have history. He would have had a lousy time with you if you had been adamant about him keeping your date. Your evening out is much easier to reschedule than the other people's evening.

I think you should cut him some slack on this one.

What I don't get is why didn't he invite peachy along....IMO that is why her radar is going off...and rightly so

But, Peachy has only known him for 2 weeks. And there didn't seem to be anything in Peacy's description of how their relationship has been developing that indicated that they both have decided to make the relationship exclusive. I think the assumption that this guy should be including Peachy in get-togethers with his old friends and/or should not be dating others is a bad one, given the facts.

Personally, I don't care for the whole "date as many people as you can" idea, but isn't that what a lot of the dating advice says to do? That means dating multiple people pretty much at the same time. And it doesn't mean exclusivity or making each person you date the focal point of your life, just the focal point of that particular evening.

I don't want to be negative or mean, but Peachy, unless you and he have discussed exclusivity, the fact that you get along wonderfully is just that - and doesn't mean that his plan is to date you exclusively. I'm not saying it was right for him to cancel a date at the last minute, but there are sometimes understandable reasons - and friends from out of town might qualify as an understandable reason.

I think it was a little rude of him to cancel your date at the last minute. And that, I think, needs to be the issue you concentrate on, not whether or not he's dated/dating someone else. However, if you really like this guy and think you might have something good together, I think you do need to cut him some slack. You're going to put him off or scare him away if you make too big of a deal about this. Tell him that you are disappointed that he cancelled your date at the last minute, but try to be understanding about the fact that it was to be with friends from out of town. Don't dwell on the fact that he has dated someone else. That's what the "dating" thing is about. When it's time, he'll make the decision to be exclusive - but for most adult men, 2 weeks of talking to a woman you ment on a dating site is probably not enough time to make that decision.

Just breathe, give him some breathing room, and take the advice I've been getting for the last few years about dating: don't be so emotionally invested in a new relationship. I know that's easier said than done, believe me, that's the way I am, too. But you risk being hurt much more and much more often if you get too involved too fast.

I hope this has made sense and is helpful...

T

I agree, peachy is reacting a little strongly (but correctly), and I didn't mean "should" have as in exclusive...I meant it as in male pursuit. This was a great opportunity to include her, meet important friends of his, and he has indicated (after peachy confronted him), he is very interested in her. If it were me (a male), and I had met someone I was very intersted in, and had to cancel "plans", I would be very motivated to include her if possible, or even just try to craft a mini-date (ones friends would understand, and probably be encourageing as well!!!) so at least peachy feels pursued. My bet is he will be visiting the friends with another woman, and he told peachy the stuff in order to keep her "available". If so, he has not done anything awful. But his actions (at this stage of pursuit) indicate he is not reall "into her".

Now that is not wrong per se, and it is stretching the definition of honesty at this point...peachy has no right to ask him if he is dating others, and he should have told her that..but she did, and he did answer yes, (thank goodness, means the guy is healthy and relatively honest), but I think few would have said (or are obligated to say) I am meeting these freinds with someone else.

For my money, this is too early to decide anything with certainty...but how, why he cancelled, and that he did not ask her to go with them, is something peachy should not dismiss, this was not handled well and that in itself is a concern (regardless of the facts behind it). One should just tuck away and see what else happens, or move on if they want too under these circumstances...that is the risk he took when dealing with her as he did.

Peachy, I think it's the disappointment factor. The man's college/navy buddies are in town. If you had made a date, and then found out your bestest girlfriends would in for only two nights, wouldn't you want to reschedule? Especially when you first start dating someone, friends are more important.

Maybe, next time, you skip the Cinderlla's Night at the Ball preparations. No new outfit, no manicure, no super-exfoliating the night before. If you don't invest all that preparation, you won't be so frustrated if it doesn't turn out just right.

This is an interesting situation, course as usual hard to know without having experienced all the interactions ourselves...don't know if it is a gender difference (between how men pursue, and women react) or just personality differences between all who have posted on this....

Again (as a male, which is how peachy must judge him..he is not a woman), I as a male would not have done this under any circumstances...I would have made sure peachy knows I am interestred in her...by actions, not words, included her somehow, unless she bowed out voluntarily...so as a male, I am pretty sure of what I said about this man. But as we all have noted, this is very very early and difficult to draw any hard conclusions (given the facts).

gg...The man's college/navy buddies are in town. If you had made a date, and then found out your bestest girlfriends would in for only two nights, wouldn't you want to reschedule? Especially when you first start dating someone, friends are more important.

k...No I wouldn't. I would change plans, to accomodate both circumstances, time with friends, time with peachy (and really combinging the two makes the most sense, why wouldn't he want to introduce his new interest to them? See what they think..etc.)...or I would have arranged some contact with peachy, to show her I consider her important enough (ie I am into her) to accomodate. In fact, if someone is your buddy, wouldn't they want you to do that? Beginning relationships are very very fragile, they can be derailed easily...that is why there are expectations re focus...and behavior...being cancelled is a huge no no in the beginning...in other words doing so says something about how you pursue, and value what you are doing...people who tend to cancel, are more likely to be narcissitic, and expect others to accomodate them. So we inherently know we better be on our best pursuit behavior in the beginning...once trust and a relationship is in place, then sure more accomodation is possible, is safer then....

Frankly if I got cancelled once (lest it be death, or some completely unavoidable work issue, sick kid etc.), and no alternative offered.. that would be 2 strikes (not one), one more and I am gone. This is how you avoid people who are less likely to be into you... Friends coming into town is a silly reason to cancel someone you are just getting interested in, it is a clear statement of how important they are to you. There are so many alternative ways to handle this.

Thanks everybody...and knight is right...the whole thing about pursuing...a girl deep down really does want to be pursued.

Thus far, we have not spoken. He seemed until yesterday, to be hellbent on taking his profile down, and even going so far as to say he'd like to accompany me in september to a medical society social event (biggie one) at the zoo. Yea, I said zoo so don't laugh too hard ok?

And GG was right. I was disappointed. Truly so. And yes, it seems I did do the Cindy/carriage/transformation thingie. But that's because I AM AN OVERWORKED SINGLE MOM who doesn't get a whole lotta time to do that.

And yea, I do have a tendency to have my antennae jump up at the first seemingly wrong move. Something just seems amiss. I dunno what. And knowing me for even a day, you'd know that I would never take anybody away from their friends. I'd expect him to do the same for me ok? All my closest friends are from back home in TN. But here's the kicker...WHY DID HE WAIT UNTIL SAT. AFTERNOON TO FIGURE THIS OUT? HE HAD SAID ON FRIDAY HE WAS TRYING TO MEET UP WITH THEM? Sounds fishy to me.

What did I do? What any good spurned suthern' belle a la Miss Scarlet would do.
1)placed my profile back up with new headline! (No couch jumping...Well maybe a little)...this way it will attract MORE attention and show that I am not off the market in any way. (his was off 2 days ago)
2)had ANOTHER date last night. Went out with DW, old bf from in dec/jan...the guy I almost went to NYC with. He's back again, and has been begging for another chance...

We went to see Wedding Crashers. It was great. Hilarious. Awesome one liners in movie. And DW used the theme of that to kinda slide in his jabs about wanting yet another chance at a committment. Can you see the "runaway non-crazy eyed Atown Bride" lacing up her new balance tennies for an evening jog? We went to dinner first and had some margaritas at a great little mexican place in dunwoody, and YES I wore the new halter top. And the new purse. And new shoes. Then we went to an after hours place to talk a while.

I'm not ready to commit to him. But it did feel better going out. Asked for time and said that it was not right timing for me as of yet. I do believe I need to date around more, and yes, I do miss GJ...I miss talking to him. We talked so much for about 2 weeks.

And yes virginia, there ARE SERIAL DATERS ON THAT SITE...BIG TIME...

There's nothing wrong with doing it. Nothing wrong with dating multiple people.

But in doing so, a bad pattern has seemed to develop in oh so plastic Atlanta. It's kinda similar to the mindset of a WS...the whole "trade up" thing. You can date somebody and while they may think you're wonderful...incredible...beautiful...THEY CAN'T STOP THEMSELVES FROM WONDERING WHAT'S OUT THERE...WHAT ARE THEY MISSING? ARE THEY INDEED MISSING ANYTHING? So they keep hunting and hunting and dating and dating. This is also the perspective of several of my single girlfriends here as well.

It's almost impossible here to get to an exclusive relationship because guys (yea, I am picking on you) and girls (but not as much) tend to do that whole trade up thing here. Like you gotta go over a buncha speedbumps (12 blondes, 11 brunettes, 36 redheads or something like that) on the way to the altar...

I would imagine it only worse in towns like Vegas and LA. Atlanta, or hotlanta as people call it, is the LA of the south...geez. Why am I here?

Anyway, I will fogive GJ if he does call and does apologize. I do also agree w/the other poster who said that maybe he took the other chickie to the friend thing. Tonight he's going w/friends (maybe her?) to see Kenny Chesney...I think that's who it is. He said a few days ago he'd love to have me going w/him, but it's all sold out now...convenient huh?

I try not and will in future try to not compare everybody to Darth. It's just there's alot of darth wannabees here in atlanta. I swear, he is like what L. Ron Hubbard is to the couch jumping scientologists but Darth is that to the single guys to atlanta. They wanna be him. Frightening.

Should I join a convent? Less drama there. Really quiet too. But can you wear a thong under your habit is the real question I pose????

No word from Navy boy...I think my antennae got it right.

How utterly rude...spending all that time getting to know me and backing out at the 11th hour. And yes, down south that is not something you do to a belle...he's from up north originally, but there is no excuse for letting somebody down that late in the game.

I again updated profile.

I hate this stuff. I keep getting responses from guys sans hair. I make it pretty darn clear who and what I am wanting from a relationship and unfortunately that involves a guy w/hair. I keep getting guys sending me their personal pictures...and the ones who do not have theirs up usually have something to hide.

What about the guys CLEARLY out of the age range you request? It makes me wanna hurl. I have gotten to the point where I don't even want to log on anymore b/c I am scared to see what geezers are there. Mind you, I consider a geezer even like tom cruise...a guy cruising younger...albeit much younger chicks.

I hate this crud.

Aren't there any normal people out there? Or are they all lying serial daters lying about their ages and wearing baseball caps so they can hide stuff..or lack of stuff...on their cabeza.???what is with this?

Ugh...just found out...

That the concert he is seeing is NOT sold out. Bleech. Another one for the junkheap.

Yuck. A lie about something stupid. I mean, really. If only he had been truthful with you and said how he wanted to do this with his friends without the stress of being on a date.

Peachy, dear, have you seen a little pattern that seems to appear with the men you date? The pattern may only be in the way you write about the romances and not in reality, but I can't tell.

Here's the pattern I see. I see gentleman friend and Peachy establishing an early connection. Gentleman friend seems to watn to move relationship to next level quickly (as in trip to NYC, trip to FL, dating exclusively, taking down profile), Peachy's flattered. Then, gentlefriend starts doing weird stuff. Not calling until the last minute to make arrangements, canceling at the last minute, telling fibs.

Here's the thing, Peachy, I think you're looks are working against you. They're getting you lots of attention, but not from the right quarters. Be on the lookout for the man who is reserved, who doesn't seem obsessed or knocked over by you immediately, but keeps quietly coming back. That's the one to pay attention to. If only because he's learned to take care of other people's feelings in relationships by taking things slowly.

JMHO.

PS: Don't forget to cut and paste this and send it back to me should I need it when I start dating. Luckily, I'm not quite so good looking.

AGain, no words from him. He's a dork.

You're right GG.

And I am sick of serial daters. I am gonna go on a hiatus for a while. Have son tomorrow..then on call for week after that. Time to recoup, revamp, and lick my wounds from that learning experience.

Hey Peachy,

This is OT but I went to school in Atlanta and lived there for years. I went to Peachtree High School in Dunwoody and lived on North Shallowford Road in Dunwoody...not too far from the old Fountain Square Apartments (lived there too when it was nice, my 1st apartment)

Also about a blocka nd a half from the Buckhead Cinema and draft house before the Extreme buildup in that area.

I loved it there, hanging out at the park on the Chattahoochie rafting, skiing up in Helen

Anyway, thought I'd throw that out there

For clarification - did you actually meet this guy in real life, or has it only been e-mailing and phone calls?


That's a bit premature if you have only known the guy for two weeks. And it is totally inappropriate if you haven't even met him yet. This is putting the cart waaaaaaaaay ahead of the horse.


All books and advices on dating usually say to do exactly that - date around enough to know it when you meet the right person. To expect exclusivity with someone you haven't even met is absurd. Dating is all about looking for the best deal out there for you, not about settling for the first warm body. Now, once you meet that person who takes your breath away, and spend enough time with them to know that they are for real, then by all means enter the exclusive relationship. But don't expect exclusivity based on an online profile, that is giving someone way too much commitment before you know what you are committing to.

AGG

Peachy: You were doing this the last time I was here (uh... almost a year ago)

Time to make a new plan.

Why not adopt this rule: if a man makes a date with you and then breaks it in less than 24 hours without there being a very good reason (family emergency something of that magnatude), there will not be a second chance. He's history. Ditto it you ever catch him lying.

Will someone define "serial dater" for me, I'm unfamiliar with the term. Is it anything like the looser little hussies I came across when I tried a bit of on-line dating last year, who make two or three dates for the same night and then decide the morning of which one (or ones) they will keep and then either break the others or be a no-show?

On-line dating s*cks. I thought the meat market singles bars of the late 70's and early 80's were awful, the the on-line dating sites have them beat hands down.

AGG,

I was thinking the (almost the) EXACT SAME THING!!

She's NEVER even MET HIM, and she's asking if he's dating anyone else?? Or if He's wanting to be exclusive?

IMHO, If he hasn't contacted you again, THAT WOULD BE WHY!!

You scared Him off before you ever got a change to meet him, by expecting way to much way to soon.

I know if someone reacted this way, I'd be running for the hills and I certainly wouldn't be looking backwards.

And I certainly wouldn't consider two weeks worth of e-mails a relationship, shoot you don't even know the person. You not even hitting the surface of getting to know a person at that point.

And why would he take someone he's NEVER personally met
out with his best friends, and introduce her as his "new love" interest? How would he know YOU would like these people? How would He know HE would actually like you in person at that point? How would you know YOU would have fun with a bunch of Sailors listening to them talk about all
things they did together while in the Navy? Or that YOU would even like him in person once you've met?

I don't know if you've ever experienced sitting around listening to a bunch of sailors talking about "the old days in the Navy" or not, but I have, and it's not a good first date time. Thats something that comes much later once you've actually gotten to know the person, and you certainly don't want to take someone you've never actually met in person out with some of your oldest and dearest friends.

And that has nothing to do with being raised in Northern US or the Southern US, that's just a common sense thing. (imo)