I was wondering if I could get some advice. My wife and I have been seperated for two months, she moved out and went to live with her parents. We are both relatively young. She has had no formal papers filed, and does not resist going to therapy, (we have gone to 3 sessions.) There were not relationships outside of the marriage, but we fell into a pattern of taking each other for granted, me more than her most likely. She claims that she doesn't know what she wants, and that she needs space and that she can't really talk to me that much because there is so much in the past that was left to cause a problem. So my question is, what does she want from me? I have taken drastic steps towards holding up my end of the deal when it comes to responsibilites and all of the everyday practical things that destroyed our marriage because I let her shoulder the wieght. I stopped telling her that I missed her and loved her, because it seemed to make her uncomfortable and she began making me feel guilty for expressing my feelings by asking why I didn't prove it before. Finally this weekend, I broke down and called her, telling her how much I missed her and still loved her. She grew angry, and told me that she refused to discuss it over the phone. I am getting very little communication from her, so my first thought is that it is over. Yet, she isn't making any moves to finalize anything. What is she doing? If I could read her mind, I think I could fix everything. But because I can't, I am so utterly lost as to what to do, how to behave, and how much I should communicate. etc. etc. Any thoughts?

have you read 'His Needs/Her Needs'. I know you aren't living together but are you implementing a good Plan A where you work very hard on yourself and do it for the sole purpose of being the best man you can be.

Have you and your wife done anyting that resembles the Emotional Needs questionnaire?

Are you coping fairly well with your anxiety issues?

If she isn't making any moves to finalize anything, things aren't all bad. There's room for hope.

Cinderella,

I know this sounds lame, but I am having trouble finding the information you are referring to. Where can I find it? The anxiety issues are still there, and always will be. I can cope with them though and push through. The stress that I AM feeling however, is from trying to figure out what she is really thinking and saying.

Go to the main section and look for the "questionnaires".

Ravensdream, you can't guess what another person is thinking, especially if you are separated after a relatively short marriage. (I'm assuming you've been married less than 5 years since you said you were young. If I'm wrong, forgive me.)

So, first off you need to really remember all the "relationship" talks you've had and all the nit-picky nagging talks she gave you and all the times she suddenly went silent. What do think precipitated them?

Then, you need to ask her nicely to fill in the Love Busters Questionnaire and Emotional Needs Questionnaire. If she only wants to fill in one, that's fine too.

If you fill in one for yourself, do not tell her or show her. If she hasn't done them, you showing yours can appear to be a selfish demand. That's an LB.(Check out the Basic Concepts on the main page)

The first action you need to take is to stop all Love Busters. There is no room for error here. And you can't fill her love bank if you're making continuous withdrawals.

Besides that, if you've hurt her, she's not going to let you fill her emotional needs until you've demonstrated you're an emotionally safe person for her.

Trust me. So save your energy when it comes to meeting her needs if there have been a lot of disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, dishonesty, selfish demands, annoying behaviors, and/or independent behavior.

A couple things I'm seeing that nobody has mentioned is

1. She wants you to PROVE you love her.

2. I have taken drastic steps towards holding up my end of the deal when it comes to responsibilites and all of the everyday practical things that destroyed our marriage because I let her shoulder the wieght.

Marriage isn't a 'deal' it's a commitment to love one another, to be there for each other, to help and encourage one another.

What are your expecations of marriage? What are hers?

Did you expect that SHE would do all the house work? And you wouldn't do anything?

"She grew angry, and told me that she refused to discuss it over the phone."

I don't blame her for not wanting to discuss these problems over the phone, to much MISCOMMUNICATION can happen this way without being able to see body language and so forth.

If YOU really want to communicate with your wife go seek her out, GO TALK TO HER...She's wanting YOU to pursue her and prove you think your marriage is worth saving and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.


"I am getting very little communication from her"

Sounds like she's tired of trying to talk to you and you not hearing what she's been saying. like, If your not even going to listen to what I am saying--why should I bother talking to you anymore??

How many times did she try and talk to you that you didn't really 'hear' what she was saying because you were busy watching tv or playing a game or doing something else? And you didn't give her your undivided attention?

How many times did she ask you to help with something only to be ignored?

Think about those kinds of things, and see what you can come up with...on your own at this point...