I am marrying a wonderful girl I met in college.
She went back to her home country for the summer to earn money for our wedding.
However, now that she is back in Japan, she has been meeting alot of her old friends, and even old boyfriends.
She has always been a bit of a tomboy and has lots of guy-pals.
I usually can handle these daily meetings. However, she told me now that she plans on taking a 3 night canoeing trip with one of her guy-pals of 4 years.
I am very conflicted about her desire to to this. I worry about whether he will hit on her, or if she has a desire for intamacy with us being seperated.
What are my options, since she sees nothing wrong with going on overnight trips with guys I don't know?

Doesn't seem too complicated...

If she respects your opinion and values your relationship, even if she doesn't agree with it, she'll not go on the trip.

Of course, this is a good opportunity (except for the distance) to implemenet all those techniques for communication that Dr. H talks about.

It will also be a good yardstick (and perhaps a litmus test) for you to see if marriage is a wise choice, and how conflict will be handled in the relationship...

Golden opportunity.

Hello,

This is such a huge red flag. How do you think she would feel if you took a three day overnight trip with an old girlfriend? This will be a thorn in your relationship and marriage. If she does not respect your feelings about this then she is sending a clear message to you that you will have to except this in your marriage. I think serious counseling is in order. Many men would not be able to tolerate this type of behavior in a marriage.

We had a big-long discussion over this.
I ended up giving an ultimatum that if she went on this trip, not only would the wedding be cancelled, but I wouldn't want her for a girlfriend anymore either.

I did compromise, in that I told her if she could find another person (like the guy's girlfriend) to go too then I wouldn't feel as dodgy about the whole trip.

She gave in, and said I had to explain why she was cancelling to the guy-pal.

However, it doesn't seem like she is aquiescing because she understands how strong my feelings are. She said that she would feel alot of shame if she had to tell her friends and family that the marriage was cancelled, and she could never show her face to them again. I want her to see my side, and agree, but I want her to do it for the right reasons.

Should I just be grateful for the small victory, or should I still worry?

I'd still be worried. Win the battle, but lose the war...

She changed her plan, but for all the wrong reasons, if what you relayed was accurate.

I think you really need evaluate where the two of you are at communication wise, and where you're headed. I don't want to see you guys back here in acouple years after tying the knot...

But ultimatums and other LB's like what you did are sure-fire resentment builders that will just cause problems down the road...

Resentment? OMG, its coming out of her ears. She wrote to me that she had forgiven me, and I asked what it was I was forgiven for.

'What exactly are you forgiving me for?

your intimidation.
i don't think i can ever forgive you from the bottom of my mind.
i will never forget what you did to me, and will not be able to make
bitter hate to a part of you away. ever, never.
You changed one of our important decisions by threatening me. means, 1. changing our decision 2. threatening me 3. make the happiness of my life less than half and now you know that you can conrol me anytime in any problem. i am your slave forever.
Still cannot stop convulsion of my body and my tears when i think about you. you are too scary for me to think about.

"

I asked her if we could get some pre-marital counseling after she gets back to the US, and she said "You can go." However, I don't think it is solely my fault for the conflict and we both need to go together. I don't want to look forward to a lifetime of this sort of thing.
The reason I mentioned cancelling the wedding is, I don't see a point in getting married, if I have serious doubts about whether or not it will last. Before she left for Japan it was great, but now with the clock ticking, there is alot of pressure and it doesnt help that we can only talk over the internet.
What can I do if she refuses counseling?
The wedding is in September...
Also, I am new, so what is a "LB" LowBlow??

Wow,
I am reading the Dr. H tutorials and seeing alot of good stuff...
How can I do anything he recommends when we are so far apart. I can see how what I do is hurtful, and her to me. I see that she is using the LB of Independent Actions and I am using the LB of Selfish Demands/Angry Outbursts.
I know I cant live with the idea of her off with some other guy, or a future of such actions.
And if she is going to have such a problem with me expressing my needs, does this point to severe incompatability?

Getting married in September would be foolish.

Not stepping back and re-evaluating this relationship when there's not several thousand miles between you would be foolish.

Throwing it all away because you can't talk now face to face would be foolish.

I suspect you're really in a holding pattern until the two of you get back together face to face.

You can share with her the MB material you've discovered over the phone, probably nothign keeps her from surfind the site as well and learning the same material.

Lots to talk about over the phone, and of course, if negotiation gets "unsafe", the one party can jus thang up...

I will admit, it doesnt' look easy from where I sit, but what are your options? It will be hard, but if you succeed, the two of you will come out have been seriously tempered by fire... And probably better set to handle more complicated situations than most, based on your own past experiences.

The ultimatum "my way or the highway" idea was bad, really bad. I suggest not doing that again, not if you ever want to have a successful marriage.

On the other hand if she has some perverted notion that she can go prancing around the country with ex-boyfriends she it out of her mind alltogether.

If we weren't married I'd give any woman who seriously suggested doing that the foot so fast it would put Bruce Lee to shame. Hahaha go camping with an ex boyfriend...hahahaha.

Sorry, you obviously care for her so...

1. Do not get married in September. Tell her that you feel that you both need to look at the relationship further before marriage.
Hey, marriage takes two to say "I do", so if you aren't 1000000000% happy with everything in the relationship, DO NOT DO IT. You are not getting married for your friends or family, you are getting married for you. And not as in, to make your girl happy either. As in, for you.
2. Get marriage counseling, biggest hugest mistake I ever did was not get it. If she feels she doesn't need it what does that say about her?

3. Do the stuff on this site.

4. Do not try and get too deep and serious over the phone or in email. Keep it lighthearted. It sucks to do this but things can get screwed up fast over the phone, and emails, once sent, are hard to retract.

I was going over the material from the site, and when I brought up the "Love Busters" she said "Wait I want to keep some. I want to keep Demands and Independent Action".

How do I explain that is she cant "keep" bad behavior if she chooses.
I certainly wouldn't want to be married to such a person.

Heh, yo udon't. She has to realize those are things that are sacrificed on the altar of a successful marriage.

I think you've gotten all the answers you need to make a good decision about how you want to proceed...

Ask her why she wants to keep these and why she feels that these would not ruin a marriage.

Get her perspective on it. Ask her for examples. Then ask her what she would think if you made demands and acted independentely. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. Maybe by writing this she will realize that she is wrong.

If not explain that Love Busters are called Love Busters because they remove the love that people feel for one another.

In no way should she ever be allowed to keep LB's. That idea is about as ridiculous as her wanting to "go camping" with ex boyfriends.