Dude,

I'm sorry that I wasn't around when you first joined... over the past month I've been without internet while in the midst of a move. I wish that I'd come across your story sooner because I have the feeling that I could have helped steer you away from the place you are in right now. I would have had more time to gel my thoughts and work out exactly what to say and how to say it.

Now I'm gonna be rushed and I'm worried that my message won't come through effectively. But I suppose I gotta try anyway.

I'll start at the punchline, then explain it...

Aaron, I think you are headed for disaster.

Not that you haven't already got one on your hands. I'm not talking about a disaster for your marriage, but a disaster for YOU.

And I mean this entirely in a spiritual sense.

And I say this based largely on my history and experience.

Oct-Nov-Dec of 2003, my W was involved in an affair with out roomate. By Newyears Eve, I couldn't take it anymore. The pain was overwhelming and I put my W on the spot. "Choose," I said, "between your affair and our family." (we have a 9 yr old son)

She chose her affair and Mini-dewt and I packed up the car and left.

About 2 months later, I had reached the point that you are at now. Indeed some of my posts are almost the mirror image of yours. I was frantic and hurting for EXACTLY the same reasons you are. Sick of having been treated so badly and disrespectfully and not just for myself, but also for my son as well.

Well, like you, I decided "If that's the way she wants it, FINE!"

So I "signed the D papers" (I should note that we were married without a priest and without papers) and 'moved on'.

I found a girlfriend and tried to 'move on'. I tried so hard to move on, but God pretty much made it clear to me that I wasn't ready, even though I thought I was. Even though I wanted to be. God showed me that I had been deceived by the enemy and fallen into a trap. The trap of my own emotions.

I had been basing my reactions on my Wife's actions. I was NOT standing on my own sense of right and wrong, I was not standing on my faith in God or His promises to me or even my responsibilities to Him. But my feelings were tied directly to the actions of my Alien-abducted spouse, and that led me to prematurely throw in the towel.

After a month with this new girl, I realized my errors and sought to correct them. I broke up with my girlfriend, acknowledged to God and myself, and my W and the people here on MB that I had been unfaithful and renewed my vows to be the 'lighthouse' for my wayward spouse.

Well, I worked hard on that, although I did fall of the path significantly along the way. In June she moved in with me and my son, with no commitment to recovery. She said she was doing it for the boy but agreed to NC with OP out of respect for me.

I thought this was God's way of giving me another chance.

But by the end of the summer, my resolve had worn thin again and again, I put her on the spot. "Choose," sayeth I. And yet again, I pushed her off the wrong side of the fence.

And so, hurting and lonely and scared, I found another girlfriend. And yet again, after a month or so, I realized that I'd screwed up again. Broke up with the girlfriend again and recommited to saving my marriage. Again.

By January, my resolve was under attack again. This time I held true.

Then Satan, fearing that he was losing his grip, upped the ante. My beloved Brother was killed in an avalanche and about a week after that, my Boss fired me. And shortly after that, my W resumed her affair with OP. Oh, and I had a heart attack scare and a major dental problem, just in case I wasn't already suffering from enough fear and pain.

When I found out about the ongoing affair (discoved some love letters from OP in my W's email) I just about slipped again, but I prayed and God gave me the stregnth to maintain my resolve.

Now, 3-4 months later, my W is planning on leaving again. But because of a critical shift in my thinking, my boat is floating better than ever. I'm doing absolutely fine, believe it or not.

WTF??? You must be asking yourself? "How can he be doing 'fine'?"

It's because of God. It's because of Jesus. Not only is the Lord, my God a balm for my pain and a source of healing, he is a source of STRENGTH and RESOLVE and also really really good advice.

Check out Romans 5

It says:
This is all so important. Acting with faith has kept me right in God's eyes. Because of that, I have peace through God.

When I read God's Words to me, "Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of highest privilege where we now stand,... my heart sings because somehow in the face of all this, I am feeling good and powerful DESPITE everything my wayward wife has done, or is doing. And I'm thrilled that I have no temptation to do anything that would make matters worse.

And the next bit talks about building endurance. I look back at who I was when this began and compare it to who I am now... and the difference is directly attributable to my learning how to walk in faith and do God's will. How to submit myself to God's desire for me in my life...

And I realize that I HAVE developed stregnth of character. And for me, that is a miracle unto itself.

And lo and behold, it has brought me into salvation. Salvation from the pain and fear that I otherwise would be feeling.

I don't know that I have any hope left for my marriage. But weirdly enough, that is no longer relevant. All I know is that I've been following God's instruction and that is bringing me to places that are better than I ever thought would exist for me. I'm getting stronger everday and getting better all the time. And my wife's actions have NO POWER to discourage me anymore.

And my path is clear. Thanks to God, and my ability to have Faith, everything that I need to do is laid out for me in black and white. No wondering, no agonizing over how I'm going to deal with this... ah... sweet deliverance from my own personal hell on earth.

I still have my ring on. I will keep it on until either my wife and I are re-united or I get clearance directly from God that it's time to take it off. I'm not aprehensive about this, or even worried, for I know in my heart (having had it proven to me repeatedly) that if I walk in Faith and stay true to God's Will, I will be justified and delivered. And what's more, it will happen in wondrous and profound ways that I haven't even thought of yet.

Aaron, if this seems long and disjointed, it's because I'm trying to cram a year and a half's experience into one post and do it before my son wakes up and starts demanding attention.

I hope what I wrote makes sense to you.

What I'm trying to say is "Take your focus OFF your wife and put it ON to God."

Let Him work all this out for you, and your rewards will be beyond your reckoning.

Your brother in Christ,

John

^^Bump for Aaron

Yeah,

John - I've noticed that after my WW began ripping into me; I began to lose focus on God again; I'm trying extremely hard not to focus on my WW, but its just so hard - I love her to pieces you know?

For instance, I skipped church this morning to sit and read what she and you all had wrote; My prayers have begun to get short as I've begun to lose faith in my M and I guess bitterness is setting in. Pray for me, because I don't want to fall out of God's eyes again - He is very important to me.

i too have felt this bad urge to go out and meet new women while this has been going on - I feel so betrayed that in a sense; I've felt this huge desire to go meet someone to take my W's place when she is gone. I don't want to end up in a rebound; so this too concerns me.

Gotta refocus Fox. We as BS' are all lacking attention due to our spouse's A.

That's why it is important to attack this in a planned manner. Plans A & B are helpful. Stay busy, help others. Form your personal support group, get MC and post here are vital to your personal recovery.

Depression and sad times will hit. How you choose to handle it will be how your consquences come up. So see it is within your control.

Learn t/b slick. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Well, the way I see it, you aren't going to fall out of His eyes. As any loving Father, if you barge off and do your own thing (according to your own wisdom) He will let you do it, and suffer whatever consequences that entails. On the other hand, if you seek His counsel, and then follow it, you are sure to be getting the best advice going.

What you should be really worried about is YOUR eyes falling away from Him.

We gotta talk some more. I just see you on the brink of making decisions that you will come to regret... or that are, at the very least, not motivated by the right things... and as such will not lead you anywhere you really want to go.

gotta run, will check in later.

Ciao,

J

I just really concerned about my M. I love this woman - but she's so incredibly thick in the fog that its become impossible to talk to her logically.

I don't even know what to do anymore.

Okay guys, I don't even know how I arrived at this post, as I hang over on the two divorce boards now. But just popped over to see who was still here and what's going on and saw this.

First, Dewt, you've made some real progress from the last posts I've read of yours. And I do believe your focus on God has everything to do with it. And I wish I'd had someone posting those verses to me and keeping me on track lately.

But here's what I was going to say:

Fox, I don't know your story, but I do know how tempting it is to give up, or to look other directions for affirmation or for just comfort in general. Being a BS hurts like heck! But stay focused on God. If you don't, you'll do something you really regret.

I struggled a LOT during my BS days and during my DV (yes, my marriage ended--doesn't mean yours will. The are a lot of factors that played into mine.) But through it all, for the most part I stayed focused on God, and doing what HE wanted me to do and not what I necessarily felt like doing. I made mistakes, but overall I grew much closer to him and came out feeling like I'd done the right thing.

Fast forward for me to just a month or so ago, when I re-entered the world of dating (which ain't what it's cracked up to be!). I met a few guys, have seen one several times, and bam! I lost my focus on God and started focusing on me and what I wanted and what my emotions needed.

I now find myself in world of hurt with the potential of life-altering consequences. How did I get there? My emotions overtook my focus on my Lord and Satan had a heyday with me.

Don't let that happen to you!! Whatever it is that is your story, just hang on tight to God. It's a rocky road, no matter which way things go. You need him.

LL

For sure you are concerned about your marriage. Even if she's not having an affair, her behaviour seems like a pretty fine example of insanity.

And you are wiser than most if you have realized already that it's impossible to talk to your WS logically. Fog logic blocks out real logic in the brain of a WS, and since I first registered here in 1999, I've yet to see one example where a WS was presented a logical arguement that brought them back home. (Not saying there are not any such examples... just that I haven't seen it yet.)

And, the admission that you don't know what to do anymore is another huge example of your (currently underestimated) wisdom. I frantically tried a bazillion things (many of them counter productive) before I got to a point where I acknowledged that this was beyond my influence.

But when I finally got there... when I finally realized and admitted that this was entirely beyond my control... that's when I was finally able to 'give it up to God'. (And I'm still working on that, BTW)

That's when I finally realized that my job, at this point, is to live my life simply and honorably, according to the rules and guidelines that The Lord has set out for me.

The Bible says: (Hsa 10:12) Sow to yourselves in righteousness, reap in mercy; break up your fallow ground: for [it is] time to seek the LORD, till he come and rain righteousness upon you.

In other words: Be good. Don't sit in judgement on your WS. Get your own sh*t together and spend time growing closer to God. Then He will work out all the details for you.

Psalms 131 tells us:

1 Lord, my heart is not proud;
my eyes are not haughty.
I don't concern myself with matters too great
or awesome for me.
2 But I have stilled and quieted myself,
just as a small child is quiet with its mother.
Yes, like a small child is my soul within me.

In other words: Chill out dude. Don't freak out over things that are beyond your control. Cleave unto God and Jesus and let the healing balm of their Grace still your mind and soothe your frazzled nerves.

God keeps his promises. That's what I'm here to tell you. If you seek God first, you will come out on top NO MATTER WHAT YOUR WS DOES!!!

I hope your day is ok today. I've gotta go off to work pretty soon, but I will check in later.

J

Hey LL!!! Long time no see.


Thanks for the good thoughts. If I'm making progress it's mainly because I've tried just about everything else. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Seriously, you are right. My focus on God is bringing me to places I never thought possible... allowing me to get throught things I never thought I'd get through. Helping me to find stregnth where I only ever thought there was weakness. I have come to believe, firmly, that God has a plan for each of us... to bless us and exhalt us... and He really wants only the best for us... but WE keep messing it up by not listening to him. My number one goal in my life right now is to keep learning to hear God. To keep myself open and pliable to His will.

I didn't realize you were still posting. I'm so glad to hear it. I'm gonna do a bit of search and get myself updated.

John