For those interested in background threads:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Update.

The boys are with WH this weekend, so I have time to think.

Unfortunately, for now, although I am in PLAN B, I have some 'phone' contact due to details re arrangements involving boys and finances.

In PLAN B, the way I understand it, WH will have a chance to live reality with OW, reality of separation from me, and reality of taking care of boys each separately, and then maybe the 'fog' will lift, or not.

In PLAN B, I need to learn how to live without having a partner in life (after 20 years), work out a joint custody schedule (in which I will need to be flexible because WS is a freelancer and I will need to cooperate in order that WS can earn a living and support himself and take care of boys 50% of the time).

Does WS miss me as much as I miss him? I wonder and then move on. Because in my short PBL I made it clear, if A with OW ends and he would like to reconsider future with me, he should let me know, I feel there is nothing else I can do re M. The ball is in his court.

Right now, to me, it looks like OW (who left 27-yr marriage) and WS (left 20+ yrs marriage) have very strong 'ties' and are both going through so much to be together, both will want to prove they were 'right' in leaving families, that I am preparing for a long-term PLAN B.

I have 'separated' friends that assure me that it will get better, but what I really would like is to have my family back, and must now accept that this option is no longer up to me.

I can't offer my boys a family for now, so the next best thing is to have and facilitate arrangements so that the boys benefit the most, separately, from being with me and WS. Accept that, if for now WS has own apt, in the future, boys may have to share apt with OW, that someday (not anytime soon), for the sake of the boys, I may have to see WS and OW together.

But, for now, I will just go to the kitchen and have a coffee, and then take it one 'detail' at a time, and then maybe go and see a movie.

One step at a time is about all I can manage too. Someday, your WS and OW will have a great reality check on their happiness. How many lives have they ruined? I'm sure your boys hanging around the love nest is bound to make things go even better.

We're here for you.

Luna, a couple of things. First off, Plan B means NO CONTACT. It completely defeats the purpose to have any contact because as long as there is contact the WS never has a chance to miss you. As long as he can get the occasional "fix" from you, he will never learn that the OW can't possibly meet his needs, which will just prolong his affair. Plan B stipulates NO CONTACT for this reason.

Secondly, it is not good for children to be exposed to a sleazy affair. They should NEVER be exposed to unscrupulous individuals like the OW. Letting them around her only confuses them morally and sends the message that adultery is AOK. That ain't good for them. Their father should never ever take them around her and should be required to pick them up and take them for outings away from the OW.

To do otherwise is to accomodate his sleazy affair and give it an undeserved air of respectibility. Many WS try to drag their children into their affairs in order to give it this undeserved air of respectiblity and normalize it. You should not allow your children to be used like this or tainted by his affair. They should be protected by this lest they grow up not knowing right from wrong.

Grapegirl: thanks for the support.

ML: Thanks for the reply.

quote:-------------------------------------------------
Plan B means NO CONTACT. It completely defeats the purpose to have any contact because as long as there is contact the WS never has a chance to miss you.
--------------------------------------------------------
MelodyLane, it is really minimal and limited to facts, or clarifying arrangements, so it will eventually only be necessary in case of emergencies. I believe he is missing me, considering the kind of support I provided in M.


quote:--------------------------------------------------
Many WS try to drag their children into their affairs in order to give it this undeserved air of respectiblity and normalize it.
---------------------------------------------------------
At this point, he has his own apt. Wants the boys to see that we are first 'separating'. I expect him to eventually introduce them to OW. I know WS enough to know, the more I push on boys not meeting OW, the quicker he will do it. WS has reverted back to adolescence - it would feed his need to rebel against authority! I think the boys are seeing right through his behaviour, but, as is often said, he is still their father (with a major flaw).

I am tempted to want everything 'settled' right away, all questions answered, especially financial ones. I have to accept that, given the circumstances, that sometimes some patience and time in order to iron out details is best in the longrun. So, I am working at not being 'impatient'. One or two days or one week or even a month in the great scheme of things is not very much, if it will help situation in the longrun. For example, I would like WS to move everything out that is his as soon as possible. Will I make this a major issue? I prefer he focus on his apt. so that the boys will be OK when they go to their dad's.

I want to work at not getting caught up too much in the details, because I believe the boys would always end up paying for it, and because they already are picking up the tab big times (it's their reality and not just my feeling guilty). My WS and myself will have to work at reasssuring them that no matter what, we will always love them and look after them.

I guess that's the saddest part I find in all of this. The boys not having much say in what is happening to them. I will make an effort to empower them and involve them in some decision-making as much as is possible, at least when they are with me.

If before I was in a lot of pain, the emotion in the air these days is: sadness.

I am glad I have the board to tell all this to, just to share.

Back to thinking and adding to my 'list to do', which is slightly different these days than what it used to be.

Luna, it "really is" CONTACT and defeats the entire purpose of Plan B. No contact really means NO CONTACT. It doesn't mean "some" contact or "minimal" contact. Of course he doesn't miss you, you haven't gone any where. He can get his fix whenever he wants.


And the "quicker" he does it, the "quicker" you should DISALLOW all meetings. If he is going to drag your sons into his sleazy, sordid affair, then he shouldn't be allowed to leave with them. I would set up supervised visitations if he is going to do things that are harmful to your children.

Luna, I would caution you on sacrificing your children in order to appease your H. I know you are TERRIFIED of your H ever being mad at you, but your children should never ever be sacrificed to accommodate your fears. They should be protected at all costs. Your responsibility as a parent supercedes your accomodation of your fears.

ML: Thanks for your reply, and I will consider what you are telling me.

WH and I take the boys one week each. He's a freelancer, and so I did agree to cover/switch days for 'work' reasons, but not 'social' reasons (ex. to be with OW). Now he has asked me to switch weekends without giving a reason. I know it was not 'work' related because he has lied by omission - so I assumed it was for social reasons (to be with OW). I said I'd rather not (I thought by saying 'yes' I was giving my permission for my schedule to be 'run' by his schedule, which I don't really want to do). I know WH is not happy. I am usually very accommodating. I could have said 'yes', and now I feel bad about it. Am I worried about what WH could do? On the other hand, I tell myself, he has already done the worst thing he could do to hurt me -have an A!

What's new for me: if before I run a family as a 'team' with my H, I am now needing to deal with WH re boys, with a barrier between us - OW - and so, I feel I need to protect myself more, at the cost of making him 'mad' at me, which I will need to get used to (and may how to be deal with some consequence of some sort).

Update.

I am realizing that not being in a R (after 20+ yrs), being in PLAN B (as dark as possible), and not having the boys on alternate weeks gives me way TOO MUCH time to think for my own good. (The answer to this, I THINK, would be: don't just think so much, DO things as well.)

I would appreciate your comments. Should I give myself a timeframe to be in PLAN B? (I know cc46 is giving herself one year).... then what? Consider plan D? Consider contact with WH, especially if kids are involved (hoping that will no longer hurt!)? Consider dating? Right now I can't see myself doing any of these. Do I wait until I see myself doing any of these?

Just curious to know what some of your experiences have been.

Bumped for comments (or, should I take the 'no comments' as comments?)

Update.

The drama, hurt, and pain has now been replaced. Emptiness and sadness is taking center stage. It is what you all meant when you said to expect to be on a "rollercoaster"?

Luna,
I agve myself one year but I don't really think of what I'll do then. I'll think about that when it happens.

In the meantime, I have no doubt that it it will be hard, sad, empty but you must also try to work on yourself as though he were never coming back.

You see you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by working on yourself on becoming a healthy and better person. Learn from this.

Do ou work? Can you work? You must now concentrate on yourself and your children. You can do it. There are so many who have done it. It is much better than wading in self pity...

It's all a question of what you think of yourself...

cc46: Thanks for the reply and advice.

Yes, I do work, which is definitely a good thing.

I am trying to find some balance. I don't want to deny my feelings of emptiness, loneliness, hurt, feeling lost and disappointed, etc. Because so far, what I have found, is by giving these feelings a "voice" I can then go on to appreciating the beautiful sunny days we are having this week, the wonderful breeze in the air during my walks, "friends" who can cope with my pain and be "there" for me (yes, some can't take it and have become actually very "distant" - but not all!). I can appreciate going to sleep because then I don't have to "think". I can appreciate the silence.

... And I do have to accept that for now I will wake up in the morning with an "ache" in my heart that won't go away.

In case some others may have additional comments and just missed my earlier post, I am quoting my own post:

quote:------------------------------------------------------
I would appreciate your comments. Should I give myself a timeframe to be in PLAN B? How long have some of you stayed in PLAN B? .... then what? Consider plan D? Consider contact with WH, especially if kids are involved (hoping that will no longer hurt!)? Consider dating? Right now I can't see myself doing any of these. Do I wait until I see myself doing any of these?

Just curious to know what some of your experiences have been.
-----------------------------------------------------------

It seems to me your WH forgot to take one thing into this equation - he forgot he has children and can not spend every weekend with OW. So plans can not go smoothly for them. By you not always being available for him to change his schedule he is having to deal with life as a single parent. Part of the reality check.

Hi lunamare.. the dull ache is normal..I feel that too sometimes, but I believe it will get dull-er. We need to continue to fill up our lives with other stuff that will make ourselves happy.. even if it's a very small thing, like appreciating the beauty of yr favourite flower.

I also know about friends who can't take it. There's one old guy pal who was close to WH and is now also shunned by WH because of WH's A. His wife tells me that she daren't tell him updates abt my situation because she knows he's really sad abt what's happening. But most of my friends have been great support and good listeners. And most have faith that I will be fine. Their belief in me makes me stronger.

I think you shld have timeframe for Plan B. By the time that ends, you'll prob know better where you'll stand. I'll be plan B-ing once my legal separation deed is signed. Coz after that, I have little or no reason to contact WH anymore.

~A

Hi Realtor, thanks for the reply.

quote:----------------------------------------------------
By you not always being available for him to change his schedule he is having to deal with life as a single parent. Part of the reality check.
----------------------------------------------------------
I agree.

Hi Ashley, thanks for the comments.

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
I think you shld have timeframe for Plan B. By the time that ends, you'll prob know better where you'll stand.
-----------------------------------------------------------

That's what I thought.

This Thursday (July 28th), it would have been our 21st wedding anniversary.

I don't intend to call - but, in case WH does remember and does contact me, any suggestions of what I might say to him?

Do I remind of him of PBL? or leave it alone? No R talk? Do I say: "Thanks for remembering".

Do I reply with some reverse babble, and wonder what could be some of the replies.

I suspect wedding anniversaries can be MAJOR triggers - I am going to have to make plans to do things that day. Create NEW history for me! ARRRGH!

Bumped for suggestions on how what to reply to WH were he attempt to contact me on wedding anniversary this thursday (see previous posting).

Thanks.

Update.

I have tears rolling down my face right now, but it's not because of the pain of being a BS thi time but, because of my circumstances, I have been overwhelmed by the presence, availability, and offers of friends wanting "to be there" for me. I am so touched by it all! I just needed to tell this to 'someone'. I knew I could count on "you" to tell it to.

I am a bit surprised to see that the emotional rollercoster can actually go the "other way" as well - to be profoundly touched in a positive way by the generosity of people, especially when compared to the feeling of having been somehow totally "rejected" by your WS.

(A friend from out of town, whom I hadn't seen for almost a year, insisted on having lunch with me today, another friend is insisting on taking a few days off with me to go to the country and have a "change of scenery", I am staying at a friend's house while WS is in transit between his new apt. and the house, because I didn't want to be there for the back-and-forth of the move.)

The contrast seems to have hit a cord with me because I just can't stop crying right now.

Emotions, anyway you look at them, are very overwhelming.

I wonder how much it all has to do with the BIG trigger this week - wedding anniversary on thursday.

I am just thankful also that right now I am all alone and I can let the 'tears fall'.

Thanks for being there, because I really didn't know where else to turn to.

As the song says: I will survive!

You will survive!

Hi Lunamare,

I haven't posted to you before, I don't think, though I have been following your thread.

It is my anniversary next month. I too was dreading it, but I shall be spending it now in the warmth and care of my family. My parents have promised to take care of me, and I am very grateful.

Don't be alone for it. Spend that day with people who care about you.

Alph.

cc46: Yes, we will.

Alphin: You deserve all the warmth and care you will be getting.

I don't post often, but do read many threads and, to be sure, know that I am in both of your corners.