Today would have been (is) my 21st wedding anniversary.

So far so good. I was expecting to feel very 'nostalgic', and it actually is less of a "trigger" than I thought it would be! WH (and M) feel like lightyears away. Is this what "detachment" feels like? Am I kidding myself? I was expecting the whole day to be painful - did I prepare myself mentally not to "feel" anything? Is the "survival" instinct kicking in?

I have also been trying "to act" as if today is actually the beginning of a new ME / turn the page kind of thing (eventually I am hoping it will not longer be just "acting as if")....

I really don't know what is going on with me. I don't even recognize myself.

Thinking about you today, lunamare.

I think your idea of today being a new beginning is a very positive one. I'm glad things are going well so far for you.

Alph.

Thanks Alph.

I have been away from the board for a few days. The weekend was OK.

I am a little anxious, because tonight I am back home permanently and start my week with the boys (WS has now had enough time to move out and settle in his apt). NEXT WEEK will be the first time the boys will be going to stay with their dad at his place, and it will be my first week alone at home. I expect that will entail another wave of emotions, but somehow it feels still far away and will worry about that when I get to next week.

At this point, I am trying not to census myself about some of the emotions I might feel at the present moment as a fallout of my separation, thinking that I must give them a voice if I want to move on.

I wonder if it's a result of my being a BS and starting to come out of the "fog" myself, because this morning all of a sudden I feel the need to be "honest" with myself, and admit that WS choosing to have an A is nothing more that a 'major' example of behaviour that I have experienced in the past but which involved minor incidents, but where the bottom line was/is a form of 'independent' behaviour on WS's part who insisted on wanting to do what he wanted when he wanted. It's what I referred to as: wanting to be married but at the same time wanting to have choices as if single - wanting to have the best of both worlds.

I tried to convince myself that it had to do with ignorance - WS not being aware of how some of his actions could hurt my feelings; so, when he made independent decisions, that affected me somehow but was not consulted (and not because he couldn't - like, it was a matter of a phone call away!) I thought it was just a matter of my telling him how it affected me so that the next time he would be more considerate.

But when this independent behaviour seemed to continue, it became harder for me to justify, because I could no longer say that 'he didn't know how it would affect me'. His solution? - "to apology", or worst yet, justify actions with a sense of "entitlement", or worst yet - blame someone else/something else. For example, he does 'freelance' work, and it took me years to convince him that it would easier were he to let me know as soon as he could his work schedule and committments in order to work around them - he did it, but did it reluctantly, and numerous times, I continued to learn at the last minute about committments he had made weeks earlier, and ajust family schedule to accommodate him. I saw it as a way to facilitate family life and schedule, for WS it seemed to 'symbolize' the giving up of a 'freedom', or worst, not being 'accepted' for who he was. Over time, I learned to 'work around' such issues because I learned that it actually made it worst to discuss them, put a focus on them, and because maybe I was "asking too much" of him.

So, today one of the emotions I am feeling is anger towards myself for not having 'protected' myself better, for having been 'blinded' by love, for having chosen to 'tolerate' certain behaviour and 'avoid' discussions about it because I knew somehow that he would not change and so I found ways to 'compensate', 'work around', 'excuse' some of his behaviour. It seems obvious to me that I put his needs above mine. But then, that's what 'being in love' sometimes does to someone. I should not have done that!

I have identified that one of my so-called 'defense mechanism' is "to understand". By finding a way of focusing on 'understanding' the other's position, I did not need to deal with my feelings such as helplessness and powerlessness, and all that goes with it. Simply put: I found/find it easier to put myself in the 'shoes' of the other and accept/justify/understand behaviour, than stay in my "own shoes" for fear it would be too painful, would feel helpless, would need to act, would feel guilty, would feel like a failure, YOU NAME IT! Just did not want to face any of it - and look where it has gotten me? It hurts like ****** now. To be in tune with one's emotions is a way of protecting oneself, because one day, sooner or later, if the message is not heard when said quitely, it will be said with a "BANG".

I am having a hard time keeping away from thinking about WS, what he is doing, etc. I am having a hard time putting my energy on 'moving forward' and not think about the past and things that I cannot change.

I am having a hard time overall, but I am managing (better than 2 months ago).

((((Luna))))
It sounds Like you've gained some valuable insight the hard part is to use it. I can identify with SO MUCH of what you said it is how we as BS enabled the A to happen. About a year ago I prayed for my WH to love me...then I realized I need to love myself. Then I prayed that I would trust my H..then I realized I need to trust myself and my instincts. Then I prayed for understanding and forgiveness and I found the MB website and realized I need to stop accepting the blame for everything but take responsibility for the things under my control. I now pray for strength and peace and I realize it is within me...still searching. My prayers have been answered they just weren't the answers I was looking for. Take care.

C42, thanks for your comments.

quote:----------------------------------------------------
It sounds Like you've gained some valuable insight the hard part is to use it.
----------------------------------------------------------

You bet.

I think WS had a tendancy to look at the glass as half-empty, at one point I guess he may have focused on it long enough to forget about the other half (the half full), that all he needed was OW in a similar 'state of mind' - his soulmate - and off they went on the slippery road of an A.

I failed to see how all this created a very 'unprotected' environment for me and my family.

I guess choosing to love someone automatically means also choosing to give that person a level of power over you, a key to your heart that noone else has. That's where the trust comes in: believing that the person will not 'abuse' the power, but rather recognize it and act responsibly. It is not always the case. How does one decide who to give the key to? Words backed up by actions, if not, 'red flag', because 'love' is sometimes blind.

Update.

I woke up this morning and I could really feel the 'hole' and ache left in my heart by WS wanting to check-out of my life. I really really miss my H (not my WS who is in-love with OW), but the person I used to know and who no longer is.

Life seems to go on 'as usual' except that I now seem to be walking with a constant grey cloud over my head, that's all.

This is emotionally.

Now, I am also starting to feel the weight of running a household by myself. It's not impossible, just 'heavier' whereas before it was shared. I feel some 'fatigue' accumulating as a result. This is also another reality of WS checking out of my life.

We have a big family dog who needs to be walked morning and night. His name is S*****. He is a beautiful dog. He gets noticed when we walk him. He's a male and has a loud bark (it's how he shows his insecurity, or when he gets excited). My H used to walk him, and now I am doing it. This morning I realized that I may need to let him go. I can't see myself taking care of him as he should be. I could try and 'stick it out', but I know it will get to be hard (especially in the winter), and I do need to start thinking about how to 'lighten' up the load before my accumulating 'fatigue' gets out of hand. I need to let go of what I can, and simplify others. Letting go of S******* would be one of the things I can consider.

I have tears running down my face right now because I am trying to imagine not having S******* around. He doesn't do a lot, but he is part of the "scenery" and I don't need him to be gone to realize how much he would be missed. The boys don't realize this, but I KNOW. I am torn between wanting to keep him and letting him go.

It will mean adding another 'little hole' in my heart, and somehow I know I will have to do it sooner or later, because I know I can't take on 'everything' that H used to do.

I better think about how to start 'filling' the holes with some other things quick.

I don't know if many 'read me' right now because I know that I am repeating myself, and others are in acute pain and need urgent feedback, (and also because the threads move fast!), but somehow it seems to help to have a place where I can put 'down' what I am living/feeling. And, unlike with some of my friends, with whom I am starting to feel uncomfortable 'imposing' the need to discuss my situation and am making an effort to 'move on' and have more positive conversation, with the board, I know that people can choose just not to read me, and that's fine.

I guess for me the loniless is turning out to be hardest part to deal with after being with someone, working with someone, counting on someone, for over 20 years. It was not a perfect life, but it was a good life. I know that part of the problem for WS was that while in it he didn't necessarily appreciate it. He said it himself. He knows he may be kidding himself in thinking that the grass may be greener on the other side, but will only realize it when he tries it out, and at this point, because of OW, he felt he needed to. It hurts to know that most likely the day he will realize it, it will be too late.

So, right now I am thinking about my big dog S******* and trying to come to terms with the fact that I may need to let go of him.

Maybe we can try to find him a home where we could visit him once in a while, or at least know where he is (we got him at the Animal Shelter). It won't be easy.

I also suspect that more decisions like these will turn up due to adjustments needed from the 'break up' of the family.

Hopely the 'voids' will slowly be filled with acceptable replacements.

So, I really don't have anywhere else to go. The board is the only place I know I will find people that have known and experienced the same feelings, that might possibly be patient enough to know that sooner or later I will move on to something else (hoping that it's sooner than later) and not be frustrated, that I will get 'sick' of talking about it and then move on. As Dr. Phil sometimes says: 'I may need to talk about it until....'

I wish you a good day.

Lunamare,

Do you know where your WS lives? Perhaps an answer might be to leave SMOKEY on WS doorstep, as you cannot handle taking care of him anymore, and kids could see dog when they are at WS's. That may seem a little mean, as you are so used to 'accomodating' your WS, but where are the consequences for WS? This is one of them.

Can't the kids help take care of the dog? Walking, etc?

Just my VHO.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Miss M, Thanks for your reply.

Yes, I thought of that, too. WS may or may not take him (he has a small apt. on the third floor - stairs only) A 'solution' for S******* will be found. Whatever it will be, it still feels letting go of S******** is not a choice but a necessity (to lighten up load), and another example (of the many even though minor) direct consequences of choices WS has made. But I find that even the 'little' consequences add up.

I am feeling better after having had a chance to tell the board about how much I will miss S*******. I know, he's just a dog! I expect a series of similar items to come up. It will never be anything major compared to the loss of M. Just more of the same for a while I guess, a continuation of triggers and reminders of 'what once was', until things settle down.

You are right, Miss M. I am very "accomodating" to WS, but giving him (even if subtle) signs that he should not longer expect it from me.

P.S.
quote:----------------------------------------------
.....leave S****** on WS doorstep.....and kids could see dog when they are at WS's. That may seem a little mean.....
where are the consequences for WS?
----------------------------------------------------

Even if I 'dump' S****** on WS, it may be a consequence for WS.... but in reality, any consequence involving WS will involve me and the boys somehow and in this case S******, too. At house S****** stays in the backyard - at WS he would be staying inside in a small apt., and for me, if I don't choose to take care of him, I choose not to see him? I don't consider it a choice - it's more like: what's the least-liked option available.

The situation is starting to sink in for my 9-yr old because he just told me: 'mom, I thought because you separated, it was going to more fun. This is no fun at all!' This is when I told him that we would rent a film only on the weekend, as usual. But, I think it had to do with more than just not renting a film tonight.

I do keep things in perspective. Nothing will ever compare to how I felt on D-day.

lunamare,

(((hugs!!!)))

Just thinking of boundaries, hon. It doesn't have to start with SMOKEY. The doggy should have a back yard. Just a thought. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> LOL.

Sorry your 9yo is having a hard time now. It's not fair, for DS or Smokey. Or you, but it is. You are doing better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless, with prayers. And lunamare, do NOT forget that you are WORTHY. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Luna,

Your post here really stood out to me. I can certainly relate. Let me guess, in your family you are the Giver (with a capital G), right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

That is why and when a Giver BS goes through the stages of grieving, anger is one of the hardest ones to work through. Read the thread in my link about the stages of grieving.

The places where you think w/b your hardest may not (like your anniversary), then at off the wall times, you world feels like it is crashing in around you.

This is normal. In a weird sort of way. We prepare for those 'suspected times' (i.e. annviersaries or other special occasions) but can't always stay on the alert. So as we ride that roller coaster, when you are not holding on real tight, those waves and dips can catch us off guard.

Don't be too quick to judge what you need t/d. I suspect you haven't identified your boundaries yet. So you probably don't realize how much resilency and resources you have about you that is currently hidden. ID your boundaries. Implement your boundaries. Then simplify your life. In that order. You may find that Smokey is better with your family than away. He c/b a great support pooch. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Give him a hug and find out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Miss M, thanks for your comments.

quote:----------------------------------------------------
It's not fair, for DS or S******. Or you, but it is....
----------------------------------------------------------

You got it "It's not fair..but it is"


Orchid, thanks for your reply.

quote:---------------------------------------------------
Let me guess, in your family you are the Giver (with a capital G), right?
---------------------------------------------------------

....actually, you can add: circle of friends, too!

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
... a Giver BS goes through the stages of grieving, anger is one of the hardest ones to work through....
-----------------------------------------------------------

It's true. I can't seem to really feel 'anger'. I know I should be feeling angry, have every right to, and wonder why I am not. Am I intentionally cutting myself off from this emotion? Why would I do that? Because I won't allow myself to? Because this would not be a good time? Because I am scared of what this emotion might make me do? It is somewhat 'foreign' to me.


quote:-------------------------------------------------
The places where you think w/b your hardest may not (like your anniversary)..... We prepare for those 'suspected times' (i.e. annviersaries or other special occasions) but can't always stay on the alert.... So as we ride that roller coaster, when you are not holding on real tight, those waves and dips can catch us off guard.
---------------------------------------------------------

Yeap. You got, Orchid. Get caught off guard on a regular basis.

quote:----------------------------------------------------
I suspect you haven't identified your boundaries yet. So you probably don't realize how much resilency and resources you have about you that is currently hidden. ID your boundaries. Implement your boundaries. Then simplify your life.
-----------------------------------------------------------

How does one go about identifying boundaries?

quote:----------------------------------------------------
You may find that S****** is better with your family than away. He c/b a great support pooch. Give him a hug and find out.
----------------------------------------------------------

I don't plan to give S****** up easily.

Did anybody notice that I did not mention WS once?

Bumped for comments. Thanks to Orchid, just realizing I may be a "Giver (with a capital G)", and so may have difficulty setting boundaries and processing anger.

Suggestions or insights on how to go about ID what my boundaries are and why a Giver would have difficulty with anger (and how go about giving voice to my anger, which seems to be an important "stage" for recovery and for grieving).

I have to work really hard at not "blaming" myself for all of this. I am also working hard at getting past the BS "fog" and now realize that in our M, I tended to be the Giver and WS tended to be the Taker (with my consent, of course!). I now realize that WS's Taker, not having been given limits, tended to take and take and eventually my Giver may not have been enough.

But you know what I find strange. Objectively, I would think knowing this would be enough to make me angry at my WS and would encourage me to move on. But I guess H/WS still has a hold of big chunk of my heart because inspite of it all, I still love him and would consider working on M (were he to ask me to - I actually fantasize about the day he would), but he won't, at least not any time soon, because right now he is in love with OW (and, I guess, this would be considered a 'boundary', I wouldn't consider it unless OW is out of the picture).

I have a big day ahead of me.

I am glad the Board is here for me to turn to.

I expect my next week to be difficult - first time by myself at home - I expect it to feel "empty", so I plan not to be home much. But then, as Orchid said, because I am preparing for a "big curve on the rollercoaster" it will probably not be so bad. It's where I least expect it, that it will hit me - like seeing "WS's cup empty", or a song on the radio - but then now I won't be surprised, because "ORCHID SAID IT'S NORMAL! AND I BELIEVE WHAT ORCHID TELLS ME".

Bye.

Bumped for comments.

This morning it's hard for me in general. I am trying to hold on tight because what I think is going to be a 'big curve' for me on the rollercoaster is coming up tomorrow - the boys going over to their dad's (OW has own apt) and I will be alone at home! But as Orchid explained, it may not be as bad. It's the unexpected that will get to me (and because I can't hold on tight all the time).

My older boy confirmed to me that WS is talking to them about OW. He didn't have her as a teacher, but didn't think much of her (OW is an elementary teacher at the school where my older boy has gone and where my younger one is still going, and where WS works as well!) I didn't ask for details. I guess WS is eager to have boys meet her? know about her? approve of him/her? be one happy family?

I am also already missing my boys. A week is a long time when you're not used to it (but I guess I will get used to it).

Anyway, it's good to have the Board available to turn to, both to post and to get caught up on how some of you are doing (I read more than I reply). Right now I am feeling lonely in a major way. Keeping a low profile with friends because I feel I have been a 'pest' lately and they have all been nice and deserve a break.

PLAN B is quiet, compared to previous chaos and drama. There is a lot a could do around the house, but am only doing what is necessary, and will take it slowly and at my pace - it's the only advantage of being alone - I can do things when I want and no need to coordinate with WS's schedule.

I still wake up some mornings, and find everything seems the same, and then realize how everything is totally different. One year ago I never would have imagined I would be where I am today!

I miss 'seeing' WS, and I wonder if WS misses 'seeing' me, but then he might be too busy. It's only been two months of 'separation' but it FEELS like a lot longer.

I now wonder: is reconciliation after a lengthy PLAN B and WS being with OW a real possibility? It seems that the distance (emotionally and physically) and routines (learing to run household separately) would be very hard to overcome. I wonder how many here at MB actually reconcilied after a lengthy PLAN B. One of the biggest obstacles would be that it's difficult for WS to admit when he makes a mistake - he will do whatever is necessary, whatever the cost, to try and make this work just to prove he was right in leaving family.

Anyway, I am sure some of you have noticed that I may not have a lot to say. You're right. I just want to be here and 'talk' mostly. Thank you for listening.

Luna, it's been what you describe for me for 7 months now. It gets better with time and you begin to realize that you can have a life of your own.

You just have to make the effort. Use this week to explore possibilities, do things... Do not stay at home having a pity party for yourself. That is good for no one.

I would also like to know what the results of long plan B are. I've read some successes here.

have to go

Lunamare -- my WS moved out 8 weeks ago as well. Sometimes it seems as if he's moved out for 6 mths already. I have NO IDEA what he's doing, how he's doing. I think it's a blessing in disguise, even though I sometimes wonder.

Keep yrself busy. Have some kind of goal. Due to the financial probs caused by my WH, I have to get some kind of job that wld pay reasonably well. And have to embark on something totally new. Hence my mind has been occupied most of the time. It does help alot.

I wonder abt the possibility as well.. I feel hope fading as each day passes. In fact, I don't even know if I want him back on most days.

~A

Luna,

{{{hugz}}}} <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> BTW, those are my opinons, not gospel....no no no. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> So take the good and discard the bad. ok?

Now you really don't want the WS back as you stated right? You want your real H back.

Did you expose to his work? The OW around your children in school? WS trying to force a friendship with the OW and childre? The School needs to know!!!!

As for your personal boundaries, go get the book BOUNDARIES. It is a blue paperback book. It may help.

Right now you need to keep busy (U do have a lot t/d).

1. Identifying your personal boundaries. This will require soul searching. So go find a quiet relaxing place to contemplate. I did mine at the ocean. Got to scream and not make a scene. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

2. Keep talking out/venting here about your anxieties.

3. Keep a journal. Going back and reading where you were vs where you are is therapeutic.

4. Do your MB and other suggested reading.

5. Visit with your MC or call Steve for some phone counseling.

6. Get out and help others.

7. Pamper yourself.

8. Set a goal to put your mind and heart in sync. You aren't there yet but w/b. Then plan B w/b easier for you.

See you don't want the WS back. No no no....you want the mothership to take the alien back and give you back your real H. In time you can tell him that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Thanks cc46:

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
Do not stay at home having a pity party for yourself. That is good for no one.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Planning to somehow get home late at night this week.

To Ashley88: Thanks for your reply. Good luck on your job hunting.

quote:----------------------------------------------------
I wonder abt the possibility as well.. I feel hope fading as each day passes. In fact, I don't even know if I want him back on most days.
----------------------------------------------------------

I have the same feelings some days. If ever given the chance (which right now is unlikely), I would probably need to at least try for both myself and H that I knew and for the boys. I am following Bob's recovery with Squid and it sounds really difficult at times.


To Orchid: I like your {{{hugz}}}} best.

Don't worry. I won't do anything just because you told me to! And yes... it's the real H that I want back.
quote:-----------------------------------------------------
Did you expose to his work? The OW around your children in school? WS trying to force a friendship with the OW and childre? The School needs to know!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------

School knows and I don't expect them to do anything. WS will probably have boys meet OW. He has is own apt. and I think he would not 'force' her on them, but I expect him to 'test the waters'.

Thank you for taking the time to think of all the suggestions you have made to me.

quote:---------------------------------------------------
5. Visit with your MC or call Steve for some phone counseling.
---------------------------------------------------------
I really wish I could find an MC whose familiar with MB principles in my city (Montreal). I really like Steve but can't really afford to use him often. Anyone know any MC in Montreal?

Yesterday I 'moved around' some furniture. My older one can't figure it out why I am taking time to do this instead of figuring out what to do with 'several boxes' that have been sitting in the dining room for a few months. I just told him that I 'needed to do it'. I think he knew what I meant. I will get to the boxes for 'him'.

Did I tell you all how much I love my boys? (Sitting here speechless with tears running down my face - can't talk).

{{{{Luna}}}}}}}
I'm sorry for your pain. Your boys will be men someday. It is your job to show them what a marriage should be. This is not easy. Some days I feel sad and I miss my H terribly. But it is the HUSBAND I want...I don't/won't settle for WH.
My family deserves better...so does yours.

To confused42: Thanks for your reply.

quote:------------------------------------------------------
But it is the HUSBAND I want...I don't/won't settle for WH.
My family deserves better...so does yours.
-----------------------------------------------------------

I agree with you totally, even though it's very hard.

Update.

I knew way deep down that tonight would have been hard for me. Even though I took a 'detour' by going to see a film after work, when I got home to an empty house, no boys, no H (expect for my big dog, and also a cat), I broke down. I ate my supper with tears down my face and even right now I have a hard time holding back my tears. But my little one gave me a call tonight, and when I asked him how he was doing, he told me 'so-so' like I sometime told him how I was doing lately. And I was glad I had been honest with him, because now he was able to tell me he was doing 'so-so'. It's the first night he's staying overnight at dad's. He's only one block away and yet he is so far.

But, what I really want to tell all of you is that the 'educational institution' I work for right now (it's been about 4 years) I had, temporarily, initially worked at already when I first moved to the city about 22 years ago - when I was in my twenties - at the same time I was seeing my H/WS. When I first moved to this city, I had rented an apartment close to this 'educational institution' and today I actually walked by the small apartment I initially rented when I first moved to this city. Was it intentional? Yes, I wanted to go by it just to see how I would feel! And as you can all imagine, it brought back a lot of memories.

But a funny thing happened. I actually came to the realization that while in my twenties, and in love with H, and new to the city, I now think that I should have given myself more time on my own before committing to a relationship. I should have stayed in that apt longer and enjoyed it longer, and my 'freedom' longer, and learn to know myself better. Because I now see how much of a Giver or CA or whatever (unhealthy) label you prefer I was. I was definitely immature and should have taken the time to enjoy life more and get to know myself better (beside taking more time getting over a relationship I had broken off only 6 months earlier). I was/am not an apple who has fallen far from the tree, because to this day I NEVER ask my parents for anything - only take what they offer - because I KNOW I could ask for the shirt off their back and know with certainty they would give it to me!). Why did I get involved so quickly with my H? ...because I quickly became dependent on him not knowing many people in this new city. So, I settled for little. So, very early on, I actually contributed to setting up a pattern in our R. Some of my mistakes actually happened very early on in our relationship, when I should have tolerated less.

I am now telling myself that I will take the time now that I should have taken in my twenties to enjoy myself and not commit too quickly to a relationship (whether new or old/WH) because I really regret now not having taken time for myself in my twenties before getting involved with H\WH.

I also had a quick 'exchange' with WH tonight (after speaking to my little one) about our big dog, S******. He offered to take him (even though he has a small apt on the third floor), and I would guess only for the week he has the boys (because the other week I don't think he is at his apt - I suspect he spends it at the OW's apt. and would not consider coming 'home' to his apt every night to take care of a dog!) I simply said: OK to his offer.

I somehow feel WH is showing me more respect now that we are separated. Before he took me more for granted, or is this just to compensate for his guilt? Whatever the motive, I am glad he is committing to taking our big dog along with the boys. It will give me break, the boys are with their big dog, besides giving me more freedom to stay out late with friends, go away for the weekend, etc. without needing to make arrangements for our big dog S******.

I am feeling a little better now, after 'talking to the board'.

It sure was funny going through the neighbourhood I stayed in when I first arrived to this city (and in my twenties). Looking back, I can certainly see I do have an adventuress side!!! Hopefully, I haven't lost it, just buried deep somewhere waiting to be discovered! HA HA HA

I am going to try to enjoy my home. Rather than finding it too big and too empty I will try to appreciate the 'privilege' I have in having all this 'space' to myself - at least for now (don't know whether or not I will be able to stay here). It is definitely bigger than the little apt I first rented when I initially moved to this city, that's for sure!!!

I really need to go to sleep (and not keep you 'hostage' to my BLA BLA BLA BLA.)

Remember, I may not post, but I do read many of your threads with interest and am really getting 'attached' to some of you (and so know that I spend way too much time on the board and will at some point need to cut down - but not for now).

Thanks again to all the individuals who make up this 'Board'. I really really appreciate being able to 'communicate' with you all, while at the same time being 'anonymous somehow', because were you to meet me, you would initially find me to be a really 'reserved' individual.

I do expect more hard 'bumps' like tonight in the future. But one of my objectives will be to try really hard to 'raise my standards', recognizing now that my Giver permits a 'high tolerance' of what objectively is unacceptable behaviour.

Take care everybody. I know that some of you are going through even 'harder' moments than those I am going through. All I can say to you all is: hang in there, breath deeply, you will 'get past' the agonizing 'moments' as others have been telling me.

It's time for me to go to bed, really, or I will be a mess tomorrow. Thanks for being there.

.....as I am trying to hold the curtain from closing.... but close it must. I am feeling really silly right now, and much too tired. Bye.