Hi Luna.

It's always a pleasure to read your posts - you are a very thoughtful person.

It's a shame that your WH isn't being honest with his mother - but not surprising. I hope she doesn't take it too hard when she finds out.

I will be joining you soon in Plan B - perhaps I will then begin to display some of your serenity.

Take care,

Alph.

Good to hear from you Luna and you have changed so much!

Get busy and do stuff. That's plan B. You are doing great. What movie are you going to see? Movies was the one place I preferred to go in the beginning of plan B because I could totally forget the situation for a couple of hours!

Keep reading and posting.

cc

Thanks Alphin,

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WH isn't being honest with his mother ...but not surprising. I hope she doesn't take it too hard when she finds out.
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MIL has a lot of issues, but I accepted her and she appreciated that. We will miss seeing each other. Spoke to BIL ans SIL. Both will keep me up to date and be there for MIL. I intend to keep in touch with BIL and SIL (maybe not as much) but I enjoy speaking to them both. Like the boys, I will not put them in the middle, though.

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
I will be joining you soon in Plan B.
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I agree, Alphin, given the circumstances. Will be following your thread.


Hi cc46:
I saw "Broken Flowers".

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
I could totally forget the situation for a couple of hours!
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That's exactly it! I always did enjoy going to the movies. I will now have more time for it.

When I got home I also had time to catch another film on TV that I really enjoyed "The Indian Runner" - written and directed by Sean Penn in 1990!

Also reading books on 'communication' which I am really enjoying.

Right now, I am working on convincing myself that it's worth cooking for one - looking for quick easy recipes.

"hugs" to those reading.

haven't heard of that movie. Did you enjoy it?

I've stopped cooking. DDs don't appreciate it. I used to cook for WH and I must say I was good but now I use that time for other things.

Anyway, Georgia has managed to do many interesting things, we must not be left behind!

I am very busy with work so I don't have much time left. Thank God.

to cc46: "Broken Flowers" was OK. So, you don't eat? (HAHA) I suspect Georgia is a poster who has kept himself/herself very busy!

Update: Expecting major trigger next week (so, if I talk about it maybe it will be less major!) One of my boys is in elementary school. He's going back to school next week. Both WH (works as a resource person) and OW (is a teacher) work there. What are the chances that I won't run into them? I expect our separation (and WH and OW being together) to be a big gossip item in the teacher lounge. If and when I see people at the school staring at me, I expect it will be because of my big beautiful brown eyes!

But seriously. I am in PLAN B with WH, and I certainly don't want to 'hook up' with the OW.

Any suggestions of what to say/do if I run into one of the two? Should I run as if I am seeing aliens from outer space, be courteous, try my left/right punch on them?

Examples of 'real life' experiences (or imagined) from posters that I can practice in front of the mirror would be very much appreciated.

Can you imagine the whole school year this way? Correction - every other week (the other being used to obsess about it!)

Good thing my little one is a cutty! He's nine. I will just focus on him and HIS big brown eyes.

GOD! Talk about an exercise on how to keep your chin UP in face of adversity!

One of the reasons I am feeling chirpy is because I had a terrific evening last night having supper with a long-time girlfriend who also has had major challenges in her life.

.... and this afternoon I am having a long overdue massage.

Way to go luna!

cc46: that was quick! Bumping.

Anyone run into WH (while in Plan B) and OW (separately, or, argh, together)? What did you do?

hey luna .. great to hear you're keeping busy and occupied.

I haven't bumped into WH and OW together before. But if I ever do, I'll be myself and be polite and charming, they'll be wondering Why for the rest of the day. LOL


ooh. Indian Runner. One of the main reasons why I watched that one was because of Viggo Mortensen! It was an interesting movie nevertheless.

~A

No I didn't but if I did, that w/b a test of my respect for life. BTW, scripturally the BS has the right 'cast the 1st stone'. The rest of that statement requires both parties to the adultery t/b stoned to death. YIKES!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

As far as OW goes, I will continue to do what I do now... let me discribe: I once ran into her soon after D-Day at a galery opening and because she wanted to pretend to others present that it was just like old times she actually tried to great me with a handshake and a kiss on the cheek! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> I simply took a step back and looked at her with an expression of disgust <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> and then went on to greet the others in my most charming demeanor possible and engaged in pleasant conversation with my back towards her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. Now whenever I see her, I make eye contact and carry a disgusted look with my chin held slightly higher ... she practically runs for the next available hole. Quite the act, because my heart nearly pounds out of my chest and my stomache turns to knots everytime, but once she is in her hole where she belongs, I feel much better.

As far as WH goes, try to avoid him at all costs. If you do happen to meet him, be courteous but very distant and don't exchange more words than absolutely necessary. Appear confident, happy, and light-hearted.

Whatever you do, whenever you have to show up at the school, make sure you look absolutely stunning and that you look like you are going somewhere important or coming from somewhere interesting.

I'll be joining you in Plan B here soon, Luna. Good to see you on your raod to personal recovery!

To Ashley, Orchid and LL: Thanks for replying.

Just thinking about it makes me extremely anxious, more than I am willing to admit. So, then, let me ADMIT it: the whole idea makes me sick to my stomach, wish I could somehow avoid the possibility of running into WH/OW and all the personnel at the school (for the whole school year - don't want to even think about the fact that my little one has actually 2 more years after that) When I think about it, I have to tell myself to breath in deeply (if not, could this evolve into an anxiety attack? - that would be new for me! Great, another opportunity not to be missed!)

Yes, I know I will put up a 'good front' while I am in total turmoil inside, if only for the sake of my kid. I just wish I could get it over with....until the next day.

I will have to work hard on the weekend not to think about it too much, even though it's everpresent in my thoughts. I will have to keep myself really really busy.

There. Hoping this will help. Thanks for reading me. I feel a little silly getting worked up over the possibility of running into WH/OW. There are actually worse scenarios than this that could happen, but can't think of any right now.

Whenever I was too impressed with someone, I just tried to imagine them naked. In this case, it would make it worse!
I will have to think of something else.

Update, for those who may be reading.

Well, it was bound to happen. WH rented an apt. a block away. Run into him and my little one at the local library. Just said hi and moved on. Can't believe that man with whom I lived with for 20 years now feels just like meeting a stranger!

WH called me at work to discuss older son and how important it will be that he knows that we are "talking" (so he won't take advantage of fact that we are separated/not talking).

I intend to speak to WH and clarify PLAN B letter. He can "talk" to me about more than son, once he has ended R with OW and prepared to work on our M. In the meantime, yes, maybe son will take advantage of fact that we are "not talking", and, yes, life when boys stay with me might end up being quite different from when they stay with him!

I need to set record/boundary straight.

My question: Do I call him, or clarify it next time he tries to contact me?

bumped for comments.

Updates. Last night 90-yr old MIL called. She's lonely and likes talking to me. Asked about her day/week/health. Pretty obvious that WH has not informed her yet of our 'separation' (unless she has major problems with memory). I am not going to do his 'dirty' work. I know he hates the thought of announcing it to MIL - she really liked our family visits a lot.

Well. The boys are with me for the week starting tonight.

WH just called for the usual 'quick' call re switch. Gave me a chance to tell him that if he wanted to discuss "son" or anything else with me, in other words, have a relationship with me, it would not be possible as long as OW came between us. He just said, OK. To summarize: we don't see/talk/exchange with each other - I don't know what he does and he does not know what I do, and with the boys, I do the best I can when they are with me (and don't really know what happens when they're with him).

It's not what WH wanted to hear. Don't know if I gave WH and OW a topic for conversation.

WH just found another 'really stupid excuse' to call me right back - quick polite reply and goodby.

GRRRRRHHH

WH is trying really hard to find reasons to justify contact. Sure it would be good idea if we talked (on his terms - with OW on the side!)

bumped for comments.

Lunamare,

The ease with with your WH can contact you is disturbing to me. This is the exact thing he should NOT be able to do. If asking him to stop contacting you is ignored, then you need to take steps to prevent it.

From what I understand about plan b, even issues of child exchange and money are supposed to be handled without contact (via mediator if needed).

You are not in plan b. As long as he is able to walk through your boundary without problem he can get his 'fix' of you, and more importantly, know you are always there when he wants you to be.

I think you really need to buckle down on this thing or it's not going to work at all. I've witnessed people on this board do semi plan b's before and they have often failed miserably, resulting in prolonged A and more trouble.

Yes, Sundog, I am also concerned with how much contact WH has been trying to have with me.

I am prepared to limit it to one short call a week: facts re switch of boys/$$ - no converations, no discussions.

I am going to see if he got the message this time.

WH knows me enough to know I am serious about this, as long as there is OW between us.

I don't want anything to do with WH. He has been hurtful to me. H is in there somewhere lost in the 'fog'. I don't know whether H will be able to get out of it.

So far, all I know is that he is continuing to damage his relationship with older son, 15, by wanting to be 'directive' and 'controlling' with him. He was really mad at his dad last night.

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.....semi plan b's before and they have often failed miserably, resulting in prolonged A and more trouble.
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I am curious. What kind of "more trouble" are you referring to?

Luna,

PLEASE take people's good advice here. ABSOLUTELY no contact with WH!!!!

Use a mediator. Don't give him a fix. Let him suffer. If bothers him that you're moving on without him, good. If S15 is making his life uncomfortable with OW, good. From what I've read, it is a good thing if WS is trying to make contact and fails repeatedly. Let him get desperate.

Thanks LT.

WH IS hurting badly...he's just too proud...when I set my limit - no real contact with me as long as OW came between us - he didn't insist as he usually did that he could not live without her! Anyway, I am not going to think about him because I really don't know what he does, who he sees, etc.

What I am actually thinking about is that I have been going home all summer and noticing that my outside balcony and staircase could use some paint. If it is not done soon, it will start to be too cold.

I never took care of any of the painting, but our tools (used mostly up to now by WH to do repairs etc.) are still all in our basement. If I can find all I need, I would like to see what I can do about it.

Even if I don't do it, just having the thought of doing it is totally a new direction for me!

PLAN B, away from the drama, is really not so bad, and my boys need the peace, because when with dad, there is still drama going on.

Now, to an update about ME over the weekend.

Saturday I did some things around the house in the morning. Took the afternoon off: went to the library (GRRR - ran into WH), went to see a movie, and took a chance and dropped by a friend's house, and she was in and had supper with her. I did a lot of WALKING.

Sunday, shame on me, I did absolutely nothing! Got up when I felt like it...then read, ate, watched TV, and never stepped out of the house. My way of getting ready for the week with two boys, 1 big dog, and taking care of everything.

Yes, at times my emotions were all over the place, but overall, it was not so bad.

Luna,

giving up your family, friends, career, country, your language, your culture, EVERYTHING except your core YOU is an incredible declaration of love and dedication that few can identify with. Just remember, your core you is a beautiful and unique person, precious to the community that you now find yourself in because you have an insight and wisdom that few have.

Remember this. You don't need WH. you'll do just fine, even flourish without him. H's life is enriched greatly with you. How could it be otherwise? H is gone right now, now confuse WH for your H.

Keep on rock'n Luna, but cut that WH out of your life COMPLETELY! Basta!

Sisterly hugs,
J.