Thanks LT.

Took my S9 for his first day at school. I needed to be there for him even though the 'school' has become a big challenge of 'symbolism' for me. I need to tell myself that it's just the building where my S is going to school, and when I think of it, I need to think of my S only.

For those that don't know, just a reminder: WH and OW work there, and I am going to do the best that I can to 'avoid' running into them. But at times I obsess about the moment I will run into them and it's just taking too much of my 'brain' space.

I have to admit that last night for a very short time I actually was very very angry at WH for putting me in the position I am in. Very quickly though, I saw through the blame. We choose to want to experience in life a 'thing' called M. We know going into it that there are no guarantees of what it will bring you - although we have expectations. WH having an A was one of my worst fear. It has now happened. I need to move on.

Loniless and sadness still prevail for the time being. It's getting better overall. One of the things I like is the peacefulness I can offer the boys because it's much much less stressful with no WH.

lunamare - you sound so much stronger. Good for you!

I think triggers are sometimes all in the mind. I walk past the building WH and OW works in almost every other day. Sometimes I deliberately go in there to visit some other shops so that I'll be able to replace a trigger/ memory with something I can call my own.

At least your WH made some attempts to re-connect.. there's just silence at my end. And has been this way for 1.5 mths. I do not know what to think of this at all.

~A

Thanks for your reply Ashley. I agree. The best way to deal with triggers is by creating a 'new association' with them. And, yes, it is a mind game. When I think of school/WH/OW it paralyzes me. When I think of school and imagine my cutty little one in it, it makes me smile. It's just that there are soooo many of them. Doesn't matter - no choice but to take one trigger at a time!

I am trying really hard not to 'read' too much into WH's attempts at contact because I think they are mostly guilty-based, so, it's only to bring him relief. He does feel guilty about the consequences of our separation, especially for the boys (even though he will not admit it) and thinks by us talking it would minimize them, and is working the "for the good of the boys" angle on me to make me feel guilty to do what he wants. Nothing that I will do/not do will compare to what he has done to bring harm to the boys. Yes, it would be better if we talked, it would be even better if we worked at keeping our family together, DUH?

quote:--------------------------------------------------
there's just silence at my end. And has been this way for 1.5 mths. I do not know what to think of this at all.
--------------------------------------------------------
Ashley, the idea is not to 'think' anything about it.

Orchid and others keep asking BSs about their 'boundaries'. I have set my boundary with WH: if he wants to have talks/discussions with me (the subject doesn't really matter because we talk about ourselves anytime we talk about anything), and so to me this is part of being in a 'relationship', and it won't happen while OW is between us. I know that WH is still trying to 'stretch' society's values enough to make his actions acceptable, like, there are different "models" of families, not just the traditional one. Sure, alright. One problem, your W does not buy into them. Call me 'old-fashioned'. What next WH?

As much as I hate facing life alone, I would rather do that right now than try to deal with WH (non-)logic. I am still trying to recover from it. You see, I was a stubborn one and for some time I was actually trying to make some sense out of WH babble. Our wise MB vets were very patient with me on this one. It's been 3 months from official separation and already I don't know if I would have the courage to ever take the risk at being hurt again by WH in this way. Right now it's not an option so won't worry about it.

Again, and I guess (hope) it's normal, my emotions are all over the place: from fear, loneliness, sadness, a little anger - it drives me crazy. I forget who, but the suggestion to go clean the toilet bowl (at least you will have a clean toilet bowl) sounds good to me right now.

I am in PLAN B. I know that any contact (with me/home) equals relief for WH, therefore shields him from the full consequences of his choices, and makes PLAN B less effective. I also know that minimal contact can be dangerous because of the risk of being dragged into a discussion, etc. etc. depending on the moment. But I won't budge - I have not forgotten the ****** I went through emotionally while WH was at home and seeing OW, and this keeps me strong. I may be a CA, and I may be scared of getting WH mad at me, and a lot of other things, but for now I care enough about me to keep distance between myself and WH. WH in my head has been identified as "harmful to your health - keep away".

Sorry for the long post. Felt chatty.

As I have often said, I don't post much but I read a lot and learn a lot from the Board. I must confess - I am developing an allergy to WS.

lunamare -- oh be chatty! I don't mind! I'm glad to be interacting with someone .. it helps me as well to let go of stuff every day rather than keeping them all inside.

I think I am at the same juncture as you are. Feeling what you are feeling. I am on even keel on most days but sometimes, yes the panic, sadness does come up. But mostly, anger is my main feeling.

In my case though, my WH is the CA. I'm the one who likes to deal with things head on. I rather he had gotten angry with me than this ugly silence. But as you say and reminded me again, I can't think about this as it would not make any sense whatsoever.

Here's to being strong for another day.

~A

Boy, am I proud of U!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Now make that plan B a strict one. ID your contact boundaries and stick 2 it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> U can do it!!!

Have you let the school know abou the A? Aren't other parents/teachers, etc. worried that both are untrustworthy?

Hugz,
L.

Thanks for not 'minding' my being chatty Ashley.

quote:-------------------------------------------------
Here's to being strong for another day.
-------------------------------------------------------
Here! Here!

Thanks Orchid.

Now, this is more or less WH last attempt at contact re boys:

WH: How did the boys find 'first day of school'?

ME: Fine...

WH: Boys don't want to be on hockey team like last year.

ME: Yes, I know.

WH: Don't you think it's important that they do some sports afterschool?

ME: Yes, but they don't want to do 'organized' sports.

WH: So, you are not going to insist, and I will I have to be the 'mean one' again about this.

ME: I already have my hands full.

WH: I don't want to put pressure on you, but it's not because we are separated that we can't organize ourselves so that they do sports.

ME: (no reply)

WH: Bye.

I really don't know what to do about these contacts. I don't want to try 'reverse babble' because first, I am not good at it, and second, I want to keep exchanges to a minimum.

WH obviously needs to know my position on certain issues relating to boys. I am trying to be consist with my message: He has a relationship with boys separate from mine now, and negotiates things with boys separately from me, so that we have the least contact possible. (If it were otherwise, we would live together as a family!)

I am trying to figure out if it can be done any other way. We don't have any family members in the city that could be go-betweens and don't want to be a burden to any of our friends. I thought about asking WH to write notes if he had any questions for me to answer, but I don't find this any better than a quick exchange as above.

WH is probably going to be mad at me for not being 'more supportive' on this issue. Sooooo? He's going to leave us??? Oh, he has already done that.

I really think both boys and myself have full days at school/work and prefer coming home to have a break and if feel like doing some sports can do it (like bicycling and skateboarding in the summer, going to the park and play for the little one, and skating in the winter or going to the pool) , but I won't insist on 'organized' sports. With 'organized sports' last year they were really tired sometimes at the end of the day but were forced to go to practice, games, etc. It would have been OK if they really wanted to continue and this was made clear to them, but they really don't want to, or want to take a break (I can't blame them!) I now realize that at times I thought WH tended to push them too much (even in general). This year their parents separated and are switching homes every week. Both boys are very sociable and have enough friends to 'hook up' with to do things. Mom & boys are busy adjusting to being on their own when they are together. As far as I am concerned, we are doing OK under the circumstances. My older one, first day back this week, needed it to unwind because his R with dad is so stressful. Last night he was smiling and cheerful and out bicycling with friend. I like that.

I don't think WH likes the fact that for one week out of two he really doesn't have a lot of 'input' as he would like, or as he used to have! Well, welcome to reality!

I can't control what he does or thinks, but now realize that neither can he control what I do and think. Do worry a bit about his reactions, but what could he do worse than he has already done? If I can survive this, I think I will survive any other 'blow' he can think of.

I am hoping his getting the message: no, this will not be a 'new family' with mom and dad working together as before with just one little difference: dad has a mistress, and has own apt. to feel less guilty about seeing her, and more or less live the 'single' life because he wants to do what he pleases (at least one week out of two). Too bad he can't have it all.

quote:---------------------------------------------------
Have you let the school know abou the A? Aren't other parents/teachers, etc. worried that both are untrustworthy?
---------------------------------------------------------
Yes, the school knows. They are being 'tolerant'. All the parents that know us know about the A and separation and 'sympathize' and there to help if they can! That's it.

WH just contacted me again for the second time today. We are now doing one week each with the boys. He just had a job offer that he needed to discuss with me because it would mean reconsidering the schedule for two years. He had been offered a job to work weekends: friday, saturday and sunday evenings. Was considering it because it would mean some financial security. It might be easier for me not having boys on weekdays, only on weekends, and so what did I think of that: him taking the boys for the weekdays and I would take them for the weekends? He needed to give an answer by today.

ME: That's not a lot of time to think about it. You have turned down similar offers before when we lived together and 'coverage' would not have been a problem.

WH: I know, I am full of contradictions.

ME: And since when $$ are a priority now in decision-making when you had no problem considering leaving us and double the expenses? And I don't like the position you are putting me in. It's your decision and it feels like it depends on me.

WH: No, no. It doesn't just depend on you. On thinking about it, it really is not such a good idea.

I know. He got me 'engaged' in an exchange more than I wanted.

But is WH having "moments" of reality check? Feeling 'guilty' about leaving W alone, and leaving her to look after boys on her own (one week) and needs to try to reduce guilt level? Worried about financial security? Is he missing the boys the week he doesn't have them (you bet, because I certainly miss them)? I guess maybe he can't believe he actually chose to put himself in this situation. To every coin, there is two sides.

Go ahead. Give me the "I told you so" because, I am supposed to be in PLAN B, but I don't see how I could really stop him from at least asking me these questions.

I can deal with minimal contact. This is too much contact for me because it is making me think about WS too much, but I am not sure what I am going to do about it. One thing I won't do that I feel like doing is calling him back and ask him if he had ever reconsidered his decision. But I won't. He knows where I live. And this is where I need to be strong and keep in check 'my addiction' to WH in thinking he may be my H. This is one of the dangers of contact in PLAN B.

I have noticed one thing. Even the week he does not have the boys, he seems to spend a lot of time at his apt. (and I know OW does not go there - too close for comfort - at least for now). I don't see a lot of time invested in "cementing" their R, but then, they will be seeing each other everyday because they work at the same school!

You see, I am talking way toooooo much about WH. Need to refocus.

I must be learning, because I was about to ask the Board to tell me why is WH interested in having so much contact with me. Answer me only if you think I am wrong - to get his "Lunamare" fix?

WH is missing me, but not enough to let go of OW.

I do feel though that WH seems to have less of a hold on me, and I think he is realizing this too.

Anyway, going home to see my two beautiful boys.

Update.

Still feeling the effect of contact with WS today: a lot of unproductive 'thinking' is still taking place in my mind.

Lunamare -- quick.. do something else happy and sunny! As you told me, it wldn't make sense anyway to 'what if' and think abt their babble.

And you and I know, even if they are guilty but not willing to make a change, it wld't make much of a difference!!

~A

Thanks for the reply Ashley88.

It's the link between 'knowing what you need to do' and 'doing what you need to do' that seems to be malfunctioning sometimes, inaction vs. action, fear vs. courage, whatever.

My computer at home is not working, so I have some catching up on how others' are doing.

I thought it would get better with time not seeing the boys for the week they are with dad. Last night it was actually one of the worse. On Monday nights they start week with dad. I had to work really hard at keeping busy at not 'missing' my boys too much. This is not natural only seeing them one week out of two!

One of the ideas I had was to read about 'strong' women who made it on their own, faced adversaties, etc. Last week I read on Tina Turner. Last night I finished reading bio. on Kate Hepburn. Not a good choice. One of her last chapters was on love and Spencer Tracy. I had forgotten about that! Apparently their A lasted to his death (over 30 yrs). Very encouraging reading indeed!

Though I seem to rebound a little quicker.

My current reading is on the five injuries (french - blessures), and therefore, the five masks people use, that keep us from being ourselves, all in the name of learning more about myself. If anything, this kind of reading seems to feed my curiosity and keeps me busy, and hopefully, I will learn something!

Yes, I am still thinking about WS way tooooo much more than I should!

Hey lunamare

Sorry to hear you missing the boys so much.

Don't just stay indoors and read... especially when your boys are away. R you constantly interacting/ talking/ having fun with other people??

That might help!

You know, I'm still waiting for my Sep deed to be signed at WH's end.. It's been nearly 2 weeks since it's been sent to him by hand by my lawyer!

~A

Hi Ashley,

Thanks for your reply.

I will have to think about what to "do" the first night without the boys to make it easier for me. Yeah, I agree. I may be doing too much reading.

I see your WS is dragging his feet. Hang in there.

For a few years I was a volunteer at a center for kids. I decided that I now had time to return to this volunteer work and had a meeting there last night. It was very enjoyable and I am happy to get back into volunteer work again.

I tend to look ahead and worry, and so I think it would be better if I focus more on a day to day basis, and so I am working on doing that.

Since WS and I live so close, my little one has dropped by to say 'hi' and get a few hugs from me before going to school these last two mornings! That's my little one finding HIS solutions.

Well, I think I will *FINALLY* get to sign my sep deed tomorrow. Lawyer called me evening to say they just got it. I want it over and done with. I am tired of the incessant dragging of feet.. so I think I will be rather relieved after it's been signed tomorrow.

Good to hear abt the volunteer work!! Keep at it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I can be a worrier also, but I am trying hard to re-train my mind to think differently. Nobody knows what will happen in the future. The only time we actually have and own is now!

~A

Ashley, Glad to hear your sep deed is moving along. You seem to be eager to 'move on'.

"Retrain" is a good word, and it will take a while. PLAN B helps to do that. I can only think and work on myself because I have no idea what WS does/thinks (don't see him!). That's part of the whole idea behind PLAN B, I guess. It's setting boundaries for both WS and BS!

I have to admit that part of me would really like to know how things are going with WS & OW, and I could 'ask around', but won't! I don't even ask the boys about their week (unless they need to talk about it). Why wouldn't this be considered avoiding reality? Because it feels like it. I guess it can be seen as buying time for the BS. So, this 'reality' will hurt less at some future date, after hopefully BS has 'worked' on herself/himself. Then, if recovery of M no longer an option, BS will either no longer care or at least it won't hurt as much!

When I catch myself longing for H, I tell myself that right now all that is available is a WS, and a spot in a triangle, and would I settle for that? The answer is quick to come, and I move on with my day.

Hi lunamare.. how are things today?

I finally signed the deed yest. morn. What a relief. I don't know.. I'm just tired of this silence because I can't do anything more to fight for this marriage. Yes. I will admit it. I've given up. Hence, the moving on aspect.

I've financial problems on the foremost of my mind most of the time. And the more I have to try to resolve these, it just makes me more resentful of WH.

I don't think you shld ask around. It's not healthy to know too much of what's going on in the WH/OW daily lives.
And no, you wldn't want an unwilling WH to come back and sit in your living room right?

~A

Thanks for posting Ashley.

Feeling "relief" about signing deed can't be bad.

quote:----------------------------------------------------
I've financial problems on the foremost of my mind most of the time. And the more I have to try to resolve these, it just makes me more resentful of WH.
----------------------------------------------------------

I am sorry about your financial problems, as if you didn't have enough on your plate.

Yeah. It would be better to not know anything about WS, but this morning I learned from my little one that yesterday they went to see their grandmother with WS - a few hours away from our city. I miss seeing my MIL - she's 91 and I know she may not be around for long, and I do wonder about what he told her and how.

I haven't yet found really effective 'means' not to think about WS. I feel I am still wasting too much energy on him and about things I can't do anything about. I am wondering now if it's a means of procrastinating for me. Anyway, I feel 'tired' these days. Doing only the 'necessary', but nothing more. I am trying to imagine myself as my own friend, and tell myself that I have been through a lot, and I may just need the 'rest' and to try and not be so hard on myself, which I can be. I am trying to give myself time to 'listen' to myself, past the thoughts about WS, and not 'block' my feelings. It's hard.

You could say that I am in a bit of a 'rut', at least today, but life goes on inspite of all the 'hurt' in this world.

I am looking outside and it looks like a beautiful sunny day, and I am looking forward to my 'lunch' walk and feeling the wind on my face.

Can't wait to see the boys tonight!

[quote]
I am looking outside and it looks like a beautiful sunny day, and I am looking forward to my 'lunch' walk and feeling the wind on my face.



[color:"orange"] [/color] Isn't that the best. I have just gotten to the point in my recovery that I am starting to enjoy the small things, like yesterday was beautiful, and I rode with the windows down, the wind softly blowing my hair and the sun gently warming my face. Its a wonderful feeling.
Glad you can enjoy the little things too.

Thanks for the reply.

For me, I see the 'little things' as a temporary relief from the 'wound' to my heart, and I am grateful for them. I am still not sure on how to go about 'healing' my wound, just going through a lot of 'band aids' right now.

Right now I see that my bedroom has become my 'headquarters' for hiding out, the 'safe' spot for me, but I am still not able to fully face the wound, let alone how to go about healing it.

Just had a call from OW's H, who confirmed that OW is also in 'fogland', that his whole family is divided and hurting. OW's children are adults, and are having a difficult time accepting their mother's actions and WS. It looks like both OW and WS are having to face consequences/impact of their actions and it doesn't look like it's an easy thing. Anyway, enough about WS.

Any suggestions on the 'healing process' would be much appreciated. I feel like I am 'stuck'.

Bumped for comments, or is this where I should be at? Is being "stuck" a phase?

Journaling... I guess.

WS: Do you know about parents' meeting at the school and meeting teachers tomorrow night?
ME: Yes.
WS: Will you be going?
ME: Haven't decided.
WS: Do you want to go together?
ME: No (calmly)

I arranged for a neighbour whose daughter has the same teacher as my boy to pick up and/or tell me anything I needed to know. Neighbour was happy to help out. I would not exactly be a newbie...have gone for the past 5 year. Don't expect anything new (expect some new gossip). Let me be the "mystery" woman.

You see, I expect WS and OW to be there.... presentation of staff (of which they are a part of), etc. to parents. I somehow find it more appealing spending the night with my boys, and a girlfriend I invited for supper. I will arrange to talk to my boy's teacher in a more 'informal' way, some other day!

WS realizing I won't budge on my boundary, and can't seem to manage to make me feel guilty. I guess his idea of a 'new' type of family is not working as expected. As I said to a mutual friend - more contact with WS re boys might be preferable, but not necessary: it might make WS feel less guilty, but then it would be at my expense! Me, happy to realize WS can't tell me what I should and should not do anymore.

Sometimes I think about what a mess I was while in the chaos of the triangle, and I can't believe how much S**T I subjected myself to! (this is just from memory - it's still too hard to even think of rereading my thread at the beginning).

Anyway, happy to be reporting to MB board in this more casual manner, and again, thank you all for being there, and for being particularly attentive to me in some of my worst moments of my life. One day, I hope to be able to be more helpful.

Hi Luna,
I check on you often, I don't post to you much because I don't have advice. But I'd like to offer you (((luna))) and support. It must be difficult to have your WH/OW be at the same school as your children. The school and teachers where my kids go have been so supportive...I don't know if that would have been the case if WH/OW were part of that system. How do your boys handle it? How old are your kids?
I think that is a good alternative. Its good to accept the comfort of family and friends.

Something in one of your earlier posts bothered me.

I'm glad you have a refuge that gives you comfort..but are you hiding in there? Why should you not be able to face the world? YOU did nothing wrong. If you are having a hard time going out doing things alone...set little goals. Go to the library alone...nobody will notice...take your dog for a walk or walk a neighbor's dog. Go shopping blow $10 on something to make you smile.

What do you want to do but you haven't done? I have a list of things I like to do but haven't done for a long time because I was waiting for WH to do them with me...I thought I'd save them for when I was in plan B. Well WH won't leave and I'm not in plan B yet... then I thought this is silly...I should do these things anyway they will bring me joy. Life is too short to miss out on joy. Tonight I'm meeting friends at the movies and we are going to see "The 40 Year Old Virgin"...WH is away on a business trip(confirmed).