Okay, I found out my H cheated on me. He is in Iraq which makes getting the recovery harder. He told me that he will meet to whatever needs possible to make our marriage work. I tol him i want MC, i dont want the internet. (thats how he met her) and i only want my cell phone as our home phone for now. I dont wanna set to many things bc he is going to have enough stress on his shoulders from just coming back from war. Does anybody think these things are to harsh on him or am i just imagining things? I know i have to let him gain my trust back i just dont want to be too hard on him. Im sure this is something a MC will talk to us about. Just some imput would be nice. Thanks

Welcome to MB. Sorry you are hear but your sitch sounds like it is headed towards recovery quicker than others. Still you need a plan. Please read the concepts section above and the book: Surviving an Affair. Then get His Needs/Her Needs. Both books are by Dr Harley.

Take the emmotional needs questionnaire.

When is your WS due back? Know that his words today may change tomorrow, so getting yourself with a good MC or even better do phone counseling with Steve @ MB will help you develope a good plan 1st for you personally, then one for your M.

The road to recovery is winding and long but for many it is worth the trek.

Btw, I don't see where u r being harsh. Just protective and you s/b. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> A very close ally has just made a serious assault on your family. Your H should understand that.

take care,
L.

Your are well within your rights to insist on these things. Also have you asked him why this happened? Does he have any idea?

I am glad nobody thinks im being "harsh" Its just hard to set boundries coming back from such a stressful situation. He is due back anytime between thanksgiving and christmas, which is nice. When i asked him why he told me its one of those things where the grass looks greener on the other side.
After talking to his mom we both have come to the decision that he wanted to be caught. He felt guilty, acted strange, wouldnt kiss me or hug me, didnt spend much time w/ our kids. He even told me to call his SGT. Infedility in the army is HUGE. Right now, if he tries to contact her he can go to jail. As for him he has put himself in consueling over there to help him. When I move back to our house in GA i plan on getting into some as well. I moved back home to have our daughter. I just seen red flags and I couldnt put my finger on it. i wish i would have caught this when he was home, I didnt catch it until 4 days after he was back on his way to Iraq.

I have a different point of view.

Are your requests reasonable? Absolutely.

But...if you want to follow the concepts on this site, these are not demands that you can make...because as justified as they are, they are still just that, selfish-demands.

I found counseling with Steve Harley to be helpful, because he explained to my husband what he needed to do to regain my trust.

So the relationship dynamic became not of self-righteous demands and control, with myself as BS in a superior position, but one of equality in which my husband offered to do those things that I needed.

Thanks for your imput. I just do not know what to do right now. We have another 4-5 months of seperation. I do not want to have limit him to what he has to do. I know he has to regain my trust thats why we are going to MC when he gets home. We should be in it now, but cant bc of his deployment. Right now I have to believe what he says while he is over there.

ronaile :

How did your WH meet this OP? through chat room? Is she in states or in Iraq?

My WH is also in Iraq due to be home in Nov-Dec of 05 (currently in an affair with fellow soldier).

"He felt guilty, acted strange, wouldnt kiss me or hug me, didnt spend much time w/ our kids."

Is actually normal during their 2 wk leave.They are briefed before leave to not interfere with daily activities of family to "act" as a visitor. Basically, their protecting their emotions knowing what kind of stress they are going thru family seperation etc. WH did the same thing but after a week he broke down and asked what he was doing was wrong, pushing us away. Fortunately, our son is seeing a phyciatrist due to his absence and I gave WH the opportunity to speak to her and ask her what her take was? She boiled it down to him and said hey whether your in the war or not you can die anyday so forget about feeling sorry for yourself or your kids getting attached and take advantage of them while you have them now, dont give yourself the opportunity to regret you not spending time with your family. It worked and in the same token I was explained that, that was a way of protecting himself.

Have you asked as to why the A started?

Your WH asked you to email his SGT, did you?

Dont be ashamed to set boundaries , knowing his situation, the military has counseling for families from their return so take advantage of them. Your lucky your WH is repenting and stepping up to his actions. Wish I could say the same.

Ronaile, the Harley's provide professional counseling over the phone. You may be able to arrange for your husband to start counseling before he comes home.

Keep posting here, you'll find lots of support.

BrambleRose:

I am sorry to hear what your husband is doing. Its not right and is soo common in the military. I bet 1/2 the men who have been there have cheated on their spouse same with the women. As for how they met. They met in a chatroom in yahoo in jan. of this year. Thats when he got deployed. She lives in the states. We live in GA and she lives in Iowa. When I asked him why he did what he did he said that its one of those things where the grass seems/looks greener on the other side. He also said she thought this girl was the girl of his dreams, then when he opened his eyes he realized he had me the whole time. Yes i did email his SGT to let him know what I found out. I got an email from my H saying that things werent good there, that if he kept it up he'd be going to jail. He has cut ties to her. No calls, emails, letters. He cant even call me right now, and its been almost a month since i talked to him. We "talk" through emails. Unfortuantly, I guess that 1/2 of the ppl over there are cheating and will probably never get caught.
He has arranged for himself to get into consueling. He is in it right now, which is something I didn't even ask him to do, he did that on his own. We are even taking a vacation to get away from things. SOmething we both need, bc we have 2 kids that just take our alone time away from us. When I get back on post I am arranging it for myself too. Hopefully we can talk on the phone through it. I will also be taking full advantage of the consueling. Also, I didnt know that they briefed them before they came home. This is our first deployment and we have been married a year and half and been seperated most of it. Through bootcamp and now his deployment. We have been together for 5yrs tho. If you dont mind me asking.....Where are u stationed at? Just curious

Ronaile:

My WH is Army Reserve got mobilized in Sept 04. I live in CA(northern) no bases, honestly wish I was, maybe there would be more counseling available for my family and I.

Yes there are ALOT of A's going on over there and the way my WH put it, he always thought he'd never get caught but OW burst his bubble when she emailed me confirming the A.

It sounds like your WH is coming along and the military will help u thru this. You can always ask "mortarman" with help. HE's great at giving advice for military families.

You have alot going for you here with MB. There are alot of experienced people here who have been thru this and survived. ITs UNFORTUNATE! but its true.

Once your Wh comes back there will be a 2 wk re-treat for your spouse and yourself to kinda re-kindle and fix your marriage seminar. Talk to the FRG or the wives left in charge of the deployed unit to get more info.

I understand the two children factor, We have two children also, been together for 8 yrs and married only 1yr 1/2.during his leave we couldnt really talk about us because thats something they dont need to know right now. So, we did the pretend everythings alright thing.

Your in good hands here, take the advice with the experts here. You've done good following thru so far, keep it up. Wish i could say the same.

you can always email me if you want: joasmer@yahoo.com

Thank you all! I have contacted my Rear D Sgt. and he is getting me different numbers so that I can get the ball rolling. We both have to do our parts and right now we are both keeping up with our parts. I am really optimistic about our M getting back on track. It was great until he got deployed. He probably thought he wouldnt get caught but when he did he felt relieved.
I hope things work out for you and your WH. I hope when he gets home that he has a change of mind bc you never know if something is going to happen to him. Its a scary thought to even think that but the truth is it can happen at any given time.