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#1427699 07/17/05 02:31 PM
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I've still got some e-mails outstanding, and I will follow through if anything comes of them, but I have decided to punt on the whole dating game.

I don't need to learn more about myself and what I want; I already know too much. I cannot change who I am or what I want, so I figure it's time for me to stop fighting myself, accept reality - including the extreme likelihood that I'll never get what I want and the fact that there is nothing I can do about it - and focus on what I can have and what I can do.

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Gnome,

Punting may be the way to go. At least it appears that one of us has our head on straight at this point (and that wouldn't be me.)

Good luck. Don't be so selective that you miss a good thing, but do hold to your goals and your boundaries.

LL

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Good luck. Don't be so selective that you miss a good thing, but do hold to your goals and your boundaries.
Thanks, lordslady. I intend to keep my eyes and my mind open, so I'm pretty confident that I won't miss anyone that God drops in front of me, and I also intend to hold to my standards and my boundaries, but...

Let's face it, if I'm going to drop out of the game, then I am only deluding myself if I claim to be holding to the "goal" of getting married again.

I know what I am doing, and for all practical purposes I am choosing to work toward the "goal" of remaining alone for the rest of my life.

It's not what I want. But...

I used to wonder whether I was more a realistic idealist or an idealistic realist. It took my divorce to prove to me that idealism is the majority partner in my decision-making. That still holds true.

The idealist in me refuses to settle for less. The realist in me warns that that means settling for nothing. The idealist in me says "So be it."

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You know, lots of people say it's when you finally just give up completely, that the person you're supposed to be with shows up in your life.

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I'll never get what I want and the fact that there is nothing I can do about it - and focus on what I can have and what I can do.

((((Gnome)))))

I was standing in McDonalds the other day, I wanted a Big Mac and a Dr. Pepper. That's all I wanted. So while I'm waiting there, I look and see that a Big Mac is $2.49 and if I was a sizable drink that's another $1.19 for a total of $3.68. I glance over to the value meals, low and behold a Big Mac value meal is only $.31. So that leaves me with a little dilemma.

I can either:

1. Get EXACTLY what I wanted knowing that I also have a bit of an appetite and that I will be hungry in the very near future.

2. Get the value meal that comes with everything that I want plus other items that I don’t necessarily want right now, but I also know that I’ll enjoy them.

Well for me, it was no decision what-so-ever, I got the value meal. I guess my point is that I’m quite sure that there are some “Core” items that you are desiring, you know the “I can’t live without and I won’t settle” items. I do know that you’ve looked at the menu and seen those items you want but for whatever reason that didn’t work. So now, you can either fixate on exactly what you want or broaden the horizon’s a bit and see what comes with the things you desire but maybe comes in a little different package and who knows, in the end, that value meal may be much more rewarding.


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
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Bill, I appreciate your response, but I don't understand what you are trying to tell me. My purpose in exploring the dating scene was specifically to "broaden my horizons" in the way you suggest. But for whatever reason that exploration has had the opposite effect.

Basically, the problem as I see it is that I can get neither "exactly what I wanted" nor the "value meal" which is almost all that plus a bit more. I've gone to the restaurant, but the only items on the menu which are actually available to me are ones which are unhealthy, or to which I have allergies. The saner option is just to go home, open up a can of tuna, cook up a batch of rice, and get on with my life.

Given unlimited time and money, I might be able to find some other restaurant somewhere which would satisfy my hunger in a more appetizing way. But it's late, the restaurants are either closed or closing, I am short of cash, and I have other things to do.

During my marriage I tried very hard to find a way to convince myself that I did not want what I wanted, because it was so hard to live with the constant in-my-face reminders that I could not have it. I never did succeed in fooling myself that way.

During my divorce I learned to face the fact that I could not have what I wanted. But I stopped trying to convince myself that I didn't want it; I just came to accept reality.

It seems to me that I'm coming to that place again.

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“””Bill, I appreciate your response, but I don't understand what you are trying to tell me. My purpose in exploring the dating scene was specifically to "broaden my horizons" in the way you suggest. But for whatever reason that exploration has had the opposite effect.”””

Sorry, GNOME, must admit I didn’t read your last post about the dating, so I offered my words based upon previous knowledge and not the new circumstances.

”””I've gone to the restaurant, but the only items on the menu which are actually available to me are ones which are unhealthy, or to which I have allergies.”””

Got to also admit ROTFLMAO….

“””The saner option is just to go home, open up a can of tuna, cook up a batch of rice, and get on with my life.”””

I hear you. And that may be the best option. At one time, I found what I thought to be what I wanted. I pursued a little. Came to the realization in a short manner of time, that I definitely would have been allergic to this one. Then quite frankly, I quit. I went home and put on the tuna, that’s when love found me (ps. Getting hitched this coming Saturday). Gnome, I hope it finds you soon, my friend.

Oh one more thing Gnome. The perception of what I thought I wanted WOW, was that ever off. When love found me, it informed me in no short order, that I was willing to settle because WOW….. This here value meal came with a side salad and ice cream and a McFlurry and uhh uhhh, well you get the idea.


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
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May I jump in on this one? First...Hi, LH! Congrats to you and the STB Mrs. on your impending nuptials! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Second, GDP, if I could make a suggestion... I can remember being pretty much exactly where you are. At first I didn't even GO to the restaurant, because I liked what I was cooking at home! I tried new recipes, old recipes I hadn't had in a while, and had a lot of fun figuring out what I liked and didn't like. Plus going to the restaurant meant getting dressed up and sticking my neck out and taking a risk...nope, more fun to stay at home for a while.

Eventually the day came that I decided to venture to the restaurant. I figured, "hey, I know that I like brisket and I don't like squid and I kinda hope I get a baked potato but rice is good too..." So I got to the restaurant and there WAS food there, but it was not even CLOSE to what I liked or hoped for! Mostly sushi and other raw stuff--none of it was prepared or cooked...and most of it looked very, well yukky to me. Not at all what I liked!

I didn't give up though. I figured, "Maybe I just went to the wrong restaurant. I'll try another" knowing full well that I like brisket and baked potato, but would consider rice or even green beans! Brisket, however, was NON-NEGIOTIABLE! One restaurant HAD brisket but they were out...another didn't have brisket but had chicken, which is okay but not what I hoped for...another was lasagna which was something completely different but I still tried it. Nope. It just wasn't brisket--wasn't even CLOSE to brisket--and it seemed like there was no brisket to be had anywhere. I was disappointed.

So like you, GDP, I decided to just go back home and stop doing the restaurant scene. I did on the occasion wonder if I was being to demanding or close-minded to keep looking for brisket, but in the end I decided that hey...brisket was what I really wanted and either I would have brisket or I'd be happy staying home. So I stayed home and cooked and made new recipes and was very happy. And one day I walked out the front door to go take a walk--wasn't even LOOKING for a restaurant or a brisket or anything--and I ran right into a CHEF who was taking a homemade brisket TO WORK!! YEP! I tripped on a brisket right outside my own front door! After I apologized for bumping into the chef, he told me all about his restaurant, and THERE IT WAS! BRISKET!! And not only was it brisket, but it was brisket, AND baked potato, and cauliflower (which I love!) and butter and cheese sauce and dessert and raspberry iced tea....more than I could have ever hoped or dreamed!

So the moral of this story, GDP, is don't give up on what you want. If you want tuna fish and rice, and that's what you're looking for, you will find it. Shoot, you may TRIP on it like I did! But don't settle for something you "might like" if you have certain things you definitely must have. If you decide to stop going to the restaurant, that's up to you. That didn't seem like a very effective way to food shop to me, and the results seemed disappointing at best. But the tuna fish and rice WILL come into your life, and it will be more than you ever hoped or dreamed--tuna and rice and beans and fruit and all kinds of healthy stuff that you never dreamed you'd ever get. Don't give up on THAT...okay?



FNCJ

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Gnome,

I too would have prefered remaining alone, than not having what I truly needed and wanted in a relationship.

And you know sometimes, what you think you want and what you really need are two very different things.

I know a Pastor (he went home to the Lord a few years back) who never really dated, but knew God would bring him a wife, he was so confident that God would bring her to him that he went out and bought wedding rings. He went on with his life going to college, getting his Pastorate degree, and the second church he went to preach after he graduated he met the woman he would eventually marry. He knew her about two months before they married, and the rings he bought years before fit her perfectly. They were married for over 60 years.

So don't think you have to go out and look, God can bring you the one He knows you need, which can be better than you can even imagine. Just go on with your life, doing what God is calling you to do, and in HIS time, He will bring the person to you...


Simul Justus Et Peccator
“Righteous and at the same time a sinner.”
(Martin Luther)
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Thanks, all. And a hearty congratulations to you, Bill.

Of course I've heard the old adage about how it's when you stop looking for love that it finds you. And I know it sometimes happens. But I don't believe it's a universal rule, and I think as a strategy for finding love it's pretty darn foolish. I have no right or reason to expect it to happen that way for me.

The main thing for me is that I stop trying to fight who I am. There are things I can change about myself, and there are things I can not change about myself, and I guess I've learned a bit more about which things are which.

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GDP, You sound like you've accepted where you're at today rather than trying to be where you think you should be or think others expect you to be. You may find yourself in a different place later. I hope just because you've decided not to date, you'll still stick around here.

"Not Dating" should be part of the "After Divorce" board. The assumption that if we're divorced, then we're dating leaves out those who, for whatever reason, choose to be single, at least for a time, without actively seeking to remarry. None of us wanted to end up single, but now that we are (or almost are in my case), we should support each other in choosing not to actively pursue remarriage, if that's waht we want/need right now.


FBS, D'day 12/00 * NC since 5/02 * divorce final 5/06 * property settlement 9/06 What you can do or think you can do, begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power, and Genius in it. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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"Not Dating" should be part of the "After Divorce" board. The assumption that if we're divorced, then we're dating leaves out those who, for whatever reason, choose to be single, at least for a time, without actively seeking to remarry. None of us wanted to end up single, but now that we are (or almost are in my case), we should support each other in choosing not to actively pursue remarriage, if that's waht we want/need right now.


I agree!!! There are stages and seasons in "dating". I thought I tried to talk about it a bit on TR's "comfort zone" thread, because I had been comfortable sitting on the sidelines, but I guess I ran everyone off of there, including TR.

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Faith, I was afraid I might do the same here, too. Do you think the idea of not dating is scary or just incomprehensible?


FBS, D'day 12/00 * NC since 5/02 * divorce final 5/06 * property settlement 9/06 What you can do or think you can do, begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power, and Genius in it. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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Do you think the idea of not dating is scary or just incomprehensible?

I think going through a period (or periods) of "not dating" is not just a good idea, it is a requirement. People who cannot spend any time on their own, without always being involved with someone, are rarely good partners.

For me personally, I can take "dating" in at most 2-3 months increments. In those time periods, I either manage to find someone with whom to enter an exclusive relationship, or else I get so exhausted from the dating games that I take my toys and go home for a few months, to regroup and recharge.

So no, I don't think the idea of "not dating" is at all scary - I actually find it quite normal and sane.

AGG


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"Not Dating" should be part of the "After Divorce" board.

I agree.

I was beginning to wonder why I was here at all. I kept leaving, then find myself wandering back - just to read, mind you, just to read. Now here I am writing something again.

I am here because a tiny part of me wants to keep an open mind. Because I know if I DO decide to date again, or to marry again, I better spend THIS time now thinking about what is important to me. Maybe I'll decide to stay by myself, but I certainly don't have enough info to make that decision now. It helps to read what real people are going through and thinking about as I ponder my own future.


Waiting for dawn...
...but not afraid of the dark.

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GDP, just what is it that you are looking for that you tried to get yourself to not want?


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I decided not to date anymore for 2005. I cut off all eharmony and yahoo accounts, and decided to spend time reading books about boundaries and self-care to figure out what I even DO want, and do fun things for myself and try to rest and relax some. So many times I know I give up pieces of myself for a relationship that ends up being crappy or not something I wanted anyway, just to not be alone. Then I realize I would rather be alone. Being alone kind of helps open my eyes to what was and wasn't healthy in past relationships so maybe I won't get burned again. Gnome, I wish the best for you!


adgirl48 29 years old. Excited about my future life with someone and excited about my purpose in life as well!!
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[For me personally, I can take "dating" in at most 2-3 months increments. In those time periods, I either manage to find someone with whom to enter an exclusive relationship, or else I get so exhausted from the dating games that I take my toys and go home for a few months, to regroup and recharge.
AGG, that's interesting. I hadn't thought about dating as being so exhausting that it was advisable to do it only in intervals, but that actually makes sense. Thanks for the perspective. It may well be relevant to my current circumstances, and suggests that re-evaluation every few months is wise.

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GDP, just what is it that you are looking for that you tried to get yourself to not want?
I'm not sure what you're asking, nams: do you want to know what I was looking for when I was married, or what I am looking for now? Either way, the answer isn't the sort of thing I can easily articulate - especially the latter case. I'll just say that it has been driven home to me that I do not just want someone whom I can go home to, or whom I can go out with; I want a partner in Christ's service. If a relationship is going to distract me from my service, it's not right for me.

Complicating matters is that I am very uncertain about what God wants me to do with my life in all the other areas too. I have some vague understanding of my giftings, but that's about it.

I'm afraid I'm off on another trip in a few hours, so don't expect to see me here for a few days...

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I want a partner in Christ's service. If a relationship is going to distract me from my service, it's not right for me.

Complicating matters is that I am very uncertain about what God wants me to do with my life in all the other areas too. I have some vague understanding of my giftings, but that's about it.

GDP,

Perhaps 1 Cor 7:1 (or really the whole chapter) is playing apart in where you're at and where you're heading. Certainly a spouse can distract time away from a serious calling of God.

Just a thought.


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