Why makes a person choose to have an affair? or is an addiction they cannot control?

The answer is in the question.

The person CHOOSES to have the affair...then they blame something else. Or can say they can't help themselves. It's a huge lie. But it does make the same parts of the brain which keep drug addicts addicted active ok?

It's not the problem though. Problem is that somebody believes they are entitled to the A.

but WHY do they do it? WHY do they feel entitled? WHAT does cheating make someone feel like? do people do it for the sex? attention? to feel needed? but what if they already get great sex/attention/etc... WHY does a person do it even DESPITE their relationship being good?

For example, eating disorders are not so much about food as it is about control...what then are affairs really all about?

Who knows. It is all about them. That is the answer. It is their choice. Their pleasure.

Again, your question has the answer right in it. For whatever thing/reason they think is why is exactly why they do it and why they feel entitled to do so.

so the reasons are as varied as the person who engages in this behavior.

Would treatment in MC differ for the couple where the WS is addicted to sex versus say the WS who is having the affair because their needs are not being met by their spouse or even the WS who is having trouble coping with stress in the relationship?

Does the "problem" ultimately lie with inside the betraying spouse or is infidelity a symptom of a problem between the spouses?

Sometimes it can stem from a marital problem and sometimes from a character issue. Some would argue that it is always both. Even so, Marriage Builders is equipped to address the former and not the latter.

If it is a "character" flaw /disorder that is the cause...Is there treatment for that elsewhere outside of Marriage Builders? is there hope? and how does one identify the etiology of an affair? (marital vs. character)

cereal, your questions are almost impossible to answer because they require specific answers to generalizations. But yes, of course a person can change their character if they choose to do so.

A "marital" problem is one that stems from the marriage and a character problem is one that stems from character issues. You should be able to identify either fairly easily.

thank you Melody, so many questions, so many fears, so little hope I have right now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

cereal, it would be helpful if you would just post your actual situation and let others give you feedback. You would probably get some good input that way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Harley states that affairs happen because people fail to protect their weaknesses.

I would extend this to say that people fail to IDENTIFY their weaknesses.

Many WS ( and BS and OPs) only realise a weakness led to their affair once the affair is over and reality crashes in.

Those weaknesses differ in most people.

I posted my situation on the "Just Found Out" forum. The only person to respond told me that weekends are slow and to check out this "General Questions" forum. Here is my original post though:

I am a 35 y/o woman and my fiance of 3 years, is the WS. I found out about his affair in January of 2005. Our son was only 9 months old at the time. When I opened the hidden email account I was devastated to find that WS's affair spanned nearly as long as our relationship had. When I confronted him, he became enraged, he threw his razor blade (he was getting out of the shower at the time). It split my head open. I tried to call for help but he ripped the phone out of the wall. Our baby witnessed me having to crawl out the front door to the street to get help for my head injury. He was arrested for Assault& Battery w/ a Deadly Weapon and Intimdidation of a Witness (both felony charges in this state). Because of the restraining order I took out, I had to leave my WS and remove my things from our home. I have been staying with my mother until I can save enough money for an apartment. I receive a disability and never have had enough income to accumulate any savings. I booked me and WS a counseling appointment and went for several visits until....I snooped through his email and I found out that he had put out a personal ad online and was already in the process of dating other women. I felt betrayed all over again. I cannot, as much as I try to wrap my brain around all of his behaviior, understand why he has done all this. I have offered him multiple choice questions like: "Do you think your philandering has an addictive quality? B/c we can get you help for that? Is it because you are angry with me to get back at me? Is it because you can't handle the emotional intimacy I keep striving to get from you?" to which he always answers, "I don't know why I do it." I don't know!!!! wtf is that? Why has he continued to give me hope for a reconciliation while simultaneously seeking out other women? He is truly the epitome of a duplicitous person. And I cannot identify with why someone would do that?

After the discovery of his affair, I phoned the OW and called her many choice words. It was an emotionally driven instinctual decision to confront her too. I also asked her what kind of person she is. How could she play 50% part in destroying a brand new family? How could she expose innocents to her swinging lifestyle and disease? THis woman calls herself a Chrisian? After I hung up, granted I gave her a 3 minute earful, and many things I screamed weren't nicey nicey....This OW had the nerve to call the police department on me for "harrassment". I was not arrested or anything but was told by the police in her town if I ever tried to contact her I could be arrested. That self righteous bee-otch ! How can she claim harrassment? I think to myself, doesn't she see her part in the destruction of a family? I take that as harrassing!!!

The counselor that me and WS saw til I knew of his further betrayal told us that she couldn't help us b/c WS needed to do some indiv. work before she could help us as a couple. She says that he has issues that pre-existed our relationship that desperately need dealing with. But WS never made an appointment but instead hopped back online and spends his time on casual sex and personal websites. So I started seeing her individually. There is a section in this forum mentioning some BS go on anti-depressants. My therapist suggests me going on one. However, I am still a nursing mother and cannot take those medications (lack of longitudal studies/effects on neural developement in infants) I have cried nearly every day and then there are days I am filled with rage. Most days it is a struggle just to do the ordinary: keep my baby's diapers changed, feed him, play with him , and occaisionally have the emotional energy to put on a facade and smile and sing to him. And the irony is, that even after all WS's cruelty, I love him, I miss him, I want him to want me back. And that is the cruelest paradox, b/c WS seems light years away from loving me...even if he says he does. If having secret affairs is how he thinks you are supposed to love someone, than I have to question if he even knows what love is?

I still have so many unanswered questions that my counselor family, friends cannot answer: How did it happen I ask myself? when was the moment he stopped loving me? Why couldn't he express his dissatisfaction with his life? I begged him for months to open up and share himself to no avail. In fact the opposite happened, the more I sought intimacy the more he retreated from me. WS himself, says he doesn't know why he does what he does. But yet why won't he enter therapy to figure it out? I would think a person would be petrified about engaging in a behavior that equates in the loss of their family?

Even now as I have a bad day, become frightened overwhelmed, it's been reflexive to call the man I love, my best friend for helpl. But I call my WS only to have him yell at me and tell me I am "too draining" that he doens't need to "put up with (my) bull*hit" that he doesn't want to talk about the affair (s), can't I just move on? why must I bring up "heavy " things? Is he living in Bizarro land or something? heavy things? my whole g'damn life is freaking heavy b/c of what he's done!!!

Before finding this website, I felt that my experience was ineffable, I couldn't aptly even convey to another person the pain inside of me. It is so true when they say that it is tantamount to living through a natural diaster.

The worst thing that happens in my brain on a daily basis I have images of my WS and OW that intrusively flood my brain, in their contorted sexual positions. What makes it worse is that during these images I was sitting at home desperate for attention/affection 8 months pregnant, hoping beyond hope he would come home and hold me. I do the best I can to keep distracted but I am not always successful at purging the images from my consciousness. Sometimes I am ashamed to admit I end up drinking to forget it all. Of course that is only temporary relief.

I still wonder the same questions that are pondered in so many posts here: why? what in the samhill happened? I search for at least closure from him now, and am not trying to pursue a relationship (knowing I can never stand a chance)and still he answers...." I dont know" why he had the affair, "I don't know" why he puts personal ads out, "I don't know" what he wants out of life....this mind you, coming from the man that begged me to have his child, the same man that coulnd't wait to be a father. this from the man who looked into my eyes as we conceived our child and told me I was his soulmate.

I told him recently that I am scared of being homeless, that I cannot stay at my mothers very much longer and am overwhelmed with anxiety about where to go, financially unable to put a roof over our son's head on the disability income. His response to all this, "that's not my problem" spoken in a truly callous and cruel way.

It seems my own pattern of behavior is to go through cycles where I get angry and blast him for all the hurt only to retract it later and apologize for the way I said it. But this is the first time I have been able to distance myself from calling him and not answering his emails. It's only been a week. There are emails from him trickling in. asking if my email is still active, asking if
he can see his son....

and I am rageful, he wasn't thinking about his son when he gave me an STD from that whorish OW! passed it on to our infant son (because I am breastfeeding) He wasn't thinking about our son's little heart ache about being ripped out of his home, the only stabliity he had. and now I am supposed to feel sorry for my WS?

His A&B trial is coming up in August and as for the violence he commited, I will get my day in court. But what hurt me more than any head wound was his betrayal of me with that bee-otch OW. I find out that she has 2 kids of her own, apparantly a single mother of two teenage boys. She is involved in a" swinger " lifestyle. what kind of mother goes after men who are engaged with a baby on the way? where the fluck has society's values and morals gone? couldn't she look for a nice single man?

After reading your posts I realized that I am not alone. that I am not the anomaly or outliar value here. That this problem (infidelity) is more pervasive than I had ever imagined.

I feel and identify so strongly with many poster's here...your soul's pain. Some questions for this forum? Do things get better? you are further along in this than I? Does the pain stop? do you stop missing them? Do the WS ever regret what they have done? Do they regret losing the people who truly loved them? Will my heart stop that gut wrenching sorrow? Will I ever get any closure on why he did this? Will he ever give me an understanding why they did it? kept doing it? Why won't my WS ever feel not a drop of empathy for the loved ones they have hurt so profoundly? Will my WS ever feel anything? How could he have gone from the beautiful man I accepted an engagement ring from to the Mr. Hyde he has become?

ANY responses are welcome from both WS's to BS's; if you have time to reply. Seems that's all I have right now is hours and hours that feel like an eternity to get through. Hours of analyzing and trying to gain insight and understanding. I have bought books, scoured through articles on infidelity but still am no closer to understanding why my WS did this?

I agree that it must be about some kind of weakness, but beyond that I have no clue what goes on inside my WS. and from what he tells me , neither does he.

CK. You have a horrible situation. I have seen horrible situations improve in my time here. A year ago my Squid was stealing our kids college money to set up a house with OM and screwing him in a cheap motel paid for with my money.

Now she's asleep safely in my bed, and will snuggle me sleepily hen I go up to join her in a few minutes.

Are you studying CK? All the stuff that ccompanies this site, Surviving an affair for example? Knowledge gives you weapons to use against infidelity.

Also consider seeing your doc for antidepressants to even out the ride for a while.

Read all you can and you can come up with a plan. And informed one.

All blessings

cereal, I am sorry you are here.

I think you must accept the truth, that you cannot change your WS. You must accept him how he is. And how is he? He is a serial cheater and woman beater. He is not, in any sense of the word, committed to you.

Now, it doesn't matter why he is those things, that is neither here nor there. What does matter is if you can accept him as he is. Can you accept a man who lies to you, cheats on you and beats you up? A man who is not committed to you? If you can, then you have your guy. If you can't, then you should accept this and move on while you still have your life and some sanity.

Do I think he can change? Sure he can. If he wants to very very badly and is willing to put in the hard work necessary. But you and I both know he isn't. He likes himself just fine. Nor is he in any way committed you in any serious manner, ie: his trolling for chicks the second you were out the door.

He is not marriage material, cereal, and you can't make him so. If it were me, I would run for life while I still had it.

Cereal,

I actually read your story this morning, but didn't have time to respond.....I apologize.....your story really struck a chord with me.

First, I posted this as a response to another thread. But hopefully it might shed some light on the 'plot' of an affair:



You wanted to know if it was marital issues or a character flaw that led a person to choose an affair. It's a character flaw. Point blank. Marital issues may leave the marriage vulnerable, but it's the character flaw that allows a WS to CHOOSE the A.

Now that we've gotten that taken care of <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, let's move onto 'fixing' the WS. Just FYI, my story was somewhat similar to yours. When my exH and I were engaged, he put out an 'ad' on a personals site for a 'discreet relationship.' I found the ad, and questioned him. He said that he did it 'just for fun' and I believed him. Two weeks later, I found tons of porn that he had hidden from me. He said he was sorry, and for the next month, he appeared to be doing well. Then he went to another city for a 2 month internship. During that internship, he had an A.

I couldn't prove it at the time, but had a strong gut feeling. And without proof, I felt I had to believe him - trust him. Years later, after I had my own A, and studied this site, I was 99% sure. Even in the end, he never admitted it. But he followed the same pattern of neglecting me, talking about OW all the time, and even withdrawal. Whether or not he ever admits it, I know.

The reason I am sharing this with you is this:

It took me 8 years, an A of my own, 2 years of counseling, and about 1000 posts here on MB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> to realize something. I couldn't change my H.

He didn't want to change. He didn't want to change back then, and when push came to shove after I confessed my A, he still didn't want to change. In fact, he had an exit A of his own. A repeat occurence of what happened when we were engaged.

Again, the CHOICE to have an A instead of solving marital issues AND personal issues is due to a character flaw. I have spent the past 2 years working my [censored] off to become a healthy person. Having an A was extremely out of character for me. But just like any addict, I had the A to avoid facing the REAL problems. It was a 'distraction' - it was the 'easy' choice. And my own character flaws (lack of self esteem, self respect, poor coping mechanisms, etc) were to blame. So I had to identify those, and work to resolve them in healthy ways.

My exH needed to do the same. But he didn't do it when we were engaged, and he wasn't willing to do it after my A...even after his A.

Cereal (love the name, btw), you seem like an incredibly intelligent person. Exceedingly introspective, and cognitive. But I want you to know something that I didn't realize until WAY too late. You can 'figure' a person out. Understand why they did something. But even in spite of that, it doesn't excuse their behavior.

I think it's commendable you want to understand 'why' your SO did what he did. But PLEASE don't excuse it. So far, he had an A, registered on a dating site, became violent with you, and has absolutely NO desire to work on himself. If he chooses not to work on himself, his behavior WILL repeat itself. It's just a matter of time.

You will not be able to 'fix' him. You will not be able to 'change' him. I'm sorry. But please let him go before you end up in a situation like I did. Read here, post here, and understand....but please let him go. There are all the red flags that I was too naive and young to see when I was engaged.

Perhaps I am overstepping my boundaries, and if so, please forgive me. But I see so much of myself in you....

You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. There will be someone out there who will voluntarily do that. Who will recognize your worth. Please let your SO go so that you can find that person, and engage in a truly meaningful and rewarding relationship....where they will give back the love and effort you are putting forth.

Again, sorry if I stepped over the line. Your story just really resonated with me.

LIT

CK -

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry you're trapped in this predicament. If you've read my posts, you'll know that I'm very pro-M (and, at times, to a fault b/c how much I've realized my M means to me now).

With this, this is the 1st time I've ever made this kind of suggestion - please walk (no, run) away from this man! If what you say is true, this is NOT someone whom you can trust ... esp. with your won in the picture! First and foremost, I say this because I'm concerned for your safety and (equally as important) your happiness.

If (and I say this with extreme caution) you truly feel that he can change, then let him make those changes. Suggest an IC who specializes in human behavior and addictions. But, first, you must remove yourself and your son completely from him. And, if (a BIG if) he actually does change and recover with professional help, then perhaps you could reconsider the R. Until then, I would run away, far away!

Be strong, be smart and be safe!!! Think about your son!!

Hi, cerealkiller.

Quote:
=====================================
Why makes a person choose to have an affair? or is an addiction they cannot control?
=====================================

Please see my tag line below.

First thing you should know. Pain has come to pay you a visit. It won't be leaving anytime soon. The quickest way for you to get to the other end of this pain is to walk straight through it, head held high, and with great determination.

The second thing you need to do is to decide whether or not you want to stay in this marriage. If you do, you are in for the fight of your life.

The third thing is to read all the articles on this site. You will need the information contained therein.

The forth thing you need to do is to retain legal counsel. Get you finances secure and get a legal separation agreement done so that hubby has to help take care of you and baby.

The fifth thing you need to do, is find out from your attorney if hubby's actions constitute reckless endangerment (STD's transmitted to your new born). If so, insist that the district attorney prosecutes your husband to the fullest extent of the law. His actions are SERIOUS.

One you have those things situated, then you are ready to start working on your relationship issues with hubby.

God bless,
Gimble

Dear Cerealkiller,

I’m sorry for your pain. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> However, you have found the right place for help, support & advice.

I have to say I agree with Whisper’s advice to RUN from this man… In spite of your pain, you’re in the fortunate position to learn about his violent & cheating nature before you get married to him. He is NOT marriage material, unless something drastic (like a miracle happens) and he returns from he’s evil ways...

Cereal, I understand he is the father of your child and this might be one of the reasons you will find it very difficult to part ways with him, but you and your child deserve something much better than a violent and untrustworthy husband and father. Your child’s safety might also be at stake here…


An A IS like an addiction. However, everyone have control over their own choices and the decision to get help and recover from an addiction, is a choice as well.

In my opinion, A WS can stray en be vulnerable to an affair because of:
1) Unmet EN’s and/or problems in a M
2) Pure selfishness and/or a character flaws and/or lack of morals.
3) For reasons/ circumstances other than problems/issues within the M e.g. personal problems/issues and baggage a person bring into the marriage and/or personal weaknesses & vulnerabilities and/or failure of WS to protect themselves against their own weaknesses/vulnerabilities.
4) Combination of the above.

The following thread will give you much insight (just click on the link):

How the wayward get wayward, and why they sound so dumb...

Suzet*

Since the rearrangement of the forums, you'll find the links have all changed, and now it should be at:

How the wayward get wayward and why they sound so dumb