I am a month away from giving my WW an ultimatum and my mind is racing today? My WW got caught in one inappropriate relationship and possibly another almost a year and a half ago. We were having personality problems and she went on a date with another man on an out-of-town trip. They went to a party at her BF's house and stayed at her first cousin's. When her BF got divorced because of A of her own, her H called me and told me about the date.

I confronted the WW and she lied repeatedly. The BF's husband gave me the names of other people at the party to verify and she admitted the date but claimed no sex. Basically said she was going to file D and asked the OM out on the trip. Everyone at party says they were falling down drunk and made out all night like lovesick teenagers. Does not sound like a first date to me. She wants me to believe that no sex occurred. However, she will not discuss anything beyond what I have proof of. She says that she pursued him but that was only contact.

The OM is single and I cannot find out anything from people who know him. The WW goes beserk if I want to talk about it and simply says I was the cause and will not discuss it any further. I know there has been no C with him in last year because I hired a PI. I know of no other behavior except she went to a trade show in Atlanta several months ago with a friend of hers for two nights. Her cellphone indicates that they were out until about four o'clock each night and there were calls to and from unknown numbers in and out of the area up until four o'clock each night. I called one and a man answered. However, they were staying with a lady and her husband and they were with them each night. I verified this from the friend's H who called them constantly because he doesn't like my WW and was worried about the trip.

There was one other relationship but I have almost no concrete proof so I will not list that while trying to be objective. My WW would give me a night of SF beyond belief if I would walk down the hallway and tell her everything is forgotten and forgiven. I cannot do this. If we do this then we would have makeup sex for two or three weeks and then we would be right back where we were before. She would avoid sex after that point and I would withdraw. I can have more input by not withdrawing as in the past but my heart will not be in it wondering what she did and what other phone calls that I might receive to turn my world upside down again.

We went to MC with a minister but she quit when I said that I could not drop the subject and simply take her at her word against the overwhelming evidence. After she quit, the minister said he had no doubt the she was involved in an A and if she did not confess then I would be right back in this situation in a year or two. I tend to agree.

In one sense, it would be easy to say everything is forgotten and not bring it up and just crawl back into bed. However, that solves nothing and we will have a marriage built on sand with a gaping unhealed wound. What do you do? She has sonewalled and will not talk. I have all the evidence that I am going to get unless someone else comes forward.

Am i crazy for demanding a confession or that she prove her innocence. She will also not take any steps to prove nothing happened. Simply will do nothing. She feels completely justified in whatever she did. Do I just forget about it for the sake of the kids and just keep my eyes and ears open for further transgressions? I thought I knew but today, I am not so sure.

NO, you are not crazy. I don't know anything more than you, for I am in the same boat with all the repeated lies, minimizations, hiding cell phone and email etc... but I would say that you cannot just forget. For if you do, you could end up with an STD, one that may not be "fixable" either. you know what I mean? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well, this kind of blows any way you slice it. Now, in reality, your Wayward is IMO a serial cheat (she has had more than ONE affair right?). People who want to reconcile and offer true recovery to their Betrayed Spouse DO NOT act the way your Wayward does. I cannot really tell you what to do. I can answer YOUR QUESTION however, and tell you what ***I*** would do. You are certain to live this nightmare again if you DON'T CHANGE things.

I get the sense that what you are really asking if you should just sweep the incidents under the rug to keep the "peace" going for sake of the kids. Your Wayward wife sure as hell is not gonna budge, so if you want to keep things "nice" you are going to have to budge. PLEASE SEE MELODY LANES SIGNATURE.

Now, I would NOT choose to do what you have done. You obviously let a "good bit go" already given the fact that you are here asking these questions months after the affairs. Your WW is not a repentful woman. She doesn't seem to give one $hit about your feelings, only hers. She doesn't even think she did anything wrong. You got problems my friend.

How do you feel knowing that your WW was at a party making out with some guy in front of people like a love sick teenager? Are you going to sweep that under the rug, and hope that it does not happen again? Don't do this, because it will WITHOUT A DOUBT happen if you sweep it under the rug. You still have not dealt with this.

I would not be able to literally look at myself in the mirror if I stood by and let her do this without fully acknowledging head on what happened, and getting full participation from the Wayward in reconciling. I could not do it. I would not do it. Yes, having kids complicates things tremendously, but in the end, can you live with yourself, and live with the checking up on your wife for the rest of your life to see when the "next" OM is around?

There is no doubt that you will find many people who would do that to hang onto any hope of keeping the "marriage" alive.....always saying, "for the kids". You can always find support to rationlaize away wayward behavior. ALWAYS. There is nothing wrong with that, if you can live with yourself. You asked for opinions, so I am giving you mine. Others here will surely disagree, and ask that you make better efforts at meeting your WW's EN's and put yours on the back burner while she gets delivered from the aliens....or something like that. Now, I am not married any longer, so you should realize while I am not a "MB" success in most people's initial terms, I am by my own terms. If you want to remain married despite your Wayward lack of putting effort into recovery, there are people who can tell you what to do here. The advice is here, and they will help you. I am sorry, but I am worthless to you here.

You indeed have a gaping unhealed wound, and if you just try and cover it up with some 4 X 4 gauze bandages, that sucker is gonna become a flesh eating wound that will require amputation. Yes, indeed this is a cheesy metaphor, but it is the truth.

Stop conflict avoiding my friend. Deal with the issues head on, and be ready to accept that the outcome may not be what you "hope".

BOL,

Sour....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

lemonman, I appreciate your response. I agree completely with you. I was just wavering in my opinion as a lot of people on this board do not agree with ultimatums no matter. I have have no other choice due to my WW's actions period. Sometimes I just need to hear it from someone else who has been through the war.