I know I'm a long way off from this for me but the truth is when I consider the option of making a go at my marriage I always stumble over this. I just can't imagine the pain the act itself would cause. To me it would be like reinacting the very thing that caused such devestation in my life. How do you keep yourself from going absolutly crazy?<P>Sometimes I thing amnesia would be pretty cool. When I am really honest with myself I think if I could get over the sex part I might be able to get through this. He has demonstated his sorrow and is working in therapy to find the reasons and change the defect in him that caused this behavior. I do believe he loves me.<P>I just don't know how strong I am and IF I could do this. <P>Any advice would really help. <P>Thanks guys, this BB has been a real blessing for me.

Crushed, I'm not sure of what to answer since that part for me wasn't a problem.<BR>I tend to think that maybe as things get better, and the memory of the affair fades a bit, you might feel a bit better about it.<BR>I find that some people have more trouble with the sex part than others. And I'm pretty sure there are many in this board that might be able to give you better answers. <BR>I wonder if you try not to think about it, and let it come naturally when time comes, maybe whatever you fear - either being reminded of what happened with them, or fear comparisons, or just plain get upset for him sharing himself like that with someone else, or anything else - won't happen.<BR>DO not discourage though, that also can be worked on. And yes, time helps <BR>Take care<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Hi Crushed<BR>My H had an affair and we are now well into recovery . I never had the problem of not wanting to have sex with him. Yes, the absolute thought of him sleeping with her is totally revolting, but I took this as an opportunity for growth. Here's how I looked at it:<P>I wanted to give him zero reason for thinking she was better than me in bed...and I mean ZERO reason. I made darn sure I was VERY good after disclosure of the affair. Don't get me wrong, sex had always beed good, but after kids, it kinda became one of those under the covers in the dark sort of things. Not anymore! <P>Somehow after disclosure and recovery my libido has dramatically increased and I wanted it more. I had afew motives: I liked sex and was using it to satisfy me, and I wanted him to like sex with me...so it worked both ways.<P>I am sorry you are having such a terrible time with this, nd I know that it is all so normal and natural. It sounds like your husband is really making a go at recovery and I am sure that by telling him how hard this is for you will help him also, Just take it real slow and get to know one another again. Time is the secret to everything.<P>Good luck!<P>------------------<BR>You will be stronger because of this.<P>

I've been through discovery twice, and both times we have made love fairly soon (the first time within hours, the second time within days), dwelling on this would have made me crazy. I'm not criticizing waiting, you must do what seems right to you and what you are comfortable with.<P>Personally, when I get wonky about my H touching me, I tell myself "This is my beloved husband." It helps me to have light or candles, for both of us to keep our eyes open so I know he is seeing me and there are times I ask him to say my name. I am fortunate that my H desires me as well, although he says making love "complicates" the issues. I feel it helps us make a connection, and I'm not just talking about the physical connection.<P>God bless, sex can be a help or more pain depending on the 2 of you.

it is funny how so many people ask that. i would say to wait until you are actually together and rebuilding again. for me the relief and happiness over the possibility of restoration of our marriage, coupled with my own horniness after 26 days of seperation made the first few times easy. after a while there were times when just the thought that we might do it made me cry. we are 8 mos into rebuilding and sometimes i simply cannot. i just cry and cry. my husband is understanding and lovingly holds me, and then sometimes we can do it, and then sometimes we just go to sleep or read or whatever. sometimes i just say "let's just kiss, no pressure" and that seems to help me to relax and not think of "her". and times i make it through and in the moments of relaxation afterwards i just cry with the torment of the thoughts. it is very difficult but of course there are some wonderful times too. here's some thoughts that help me:<BR>-"she" never knew his body like i do<BR>-"she" never saw the look of love and committment that comes from 14 yrs. of marriage.<BR>-their sex/love could not have been too great because when faced with the choice he picked me.<BR>-she had "ugly spots" too (he told me)<BR>-i love sex and if i have to use him until i feel better, so be it, at least it is in the confines of marriage and love, and while it is not all that it was nor all that it could be, it is a heck of alot better than nothing.<BR>Try not to worry about it, because worrying about it makes it worse.<BR>i can't wait to read what other people say.

Hi Crushed,<P>Two days after discovery, thatit was determined that the affair must end and that our marriage would take priority in our lives, my H was hesitant to approach me for sex. He felt that I really could not forgive him so quickly and that we would regret it if we jumped in bed before we were sure about what se wanted to do about our marriage. In my mind there was little doubt of what I wanted. A divorce was NOT an option. If one was to take place, it would be his doing. The only option for me was to assure him of my ability to forgive and love him, to work on my communication skills and other areas I thought in need of change. Guess what one of those areas was? You guessed it!<BR>SEX<BR>Never had been one of our best joint skills. I have written about it somewhere else if you want any other details. Just use the search button and type in my name.<P>Anyway, to make a long story short.<P>Since my goal was to assure my H that things could change between us, it was in our best interest to prove that I was capable of getting past the mental images of him with her, and put myself in his arms.<P>The first time, two days after discovery he was in the kitchen talking on the phone with his back turned to me. The children were all gone, a rarity in the middle of the day, not to return for several hours. so....<BR>Uncharacteristically, I dropped all my clothes and stood there until he turned around. His eyes popped open, he quickly finished his conversation and came to me kinda nervously laughing. He said, "You sure this is a good idea?" I said, " No, I'm not sure, but it is what I feel like right now." I put on my best "happy" face and blocked all thoughts of the OW to relax into the pure physical sensations of my H making love to me. I did not cry after and our sex life has been great since. That nite we had level 4 conversations about the OW, her life, his feelings toward her, etc. Very intense and scary conversation, but because we had connected earlier in the day, it felt natural for him to hold me as the story unfolded, and it felt natural for me to forgive him for the pain I was feeling during the conversation. The nite ended with another round of sex and has not stopped since. Read the train about increased sex life after discovery. It can be an eye opener! Just think, once you are over this stumbling block, you have a good chance of being a participant in the "increased sex life" club!<P>Good luck,<BR>Beth

The most important thing was to remember he chose me not her. And that he loved me not her. I block out the thoughts about "did they do this" or "that?" They only made me cry. <P>Yester day is gone, tomorrow is promised to none, today is all we have. That's why it is called the PRESENT. Today is a gift form God. Cherish it.<P>God bless you

Crushed - <P>I know the feeling, at times at first everytime I looked at him while we were having sex hurt so bad because all I could think about was him and her together. Only through God helping me and being able to block those thoughts out of my mind and concentrate only on him was I able to do it. The first few times I would have to stop everything because it hurt so bad to think about him with her, but he was willing to do whatever I needed and that helped alot also. It really is hard, but don't let it keep you from having sex. Sex was instituted by God and is a wonderful part of marriage. That is your committment to your husband and your bond together. Pray for help. Remember that is your husbands number one need in marriage (per Dr. Harley's book). Good luck to you. I wish you the best.<P>dc<BR>

Hi crushed-<P>I have to agree with Sally. there wasn't any way I was going to let my H think she was any better than me in bed :-) So it wasn't a problem. I can't say that it has been fine each and every time becasue I too have had to think about ways they fooled around and all-in fact I figured out by location of one of their gt togethers just how they did DO it It happened to hit a nerve with me-but I have kinda healed over that one. I think it is just when you really want to make things work that you can go so far to prove your loyalty and all. I know that for us it has been a tremendous help that we can still enjoy sex. I wish you luck!!!!<P>*heartache*

Hi all,<P>Good topic, a difficult issue for many of us. Here's a few things I learned a long time ago from a trusted counsellor...<P>1. If full physical intimacy gives one the creeps, start from the beginning. Go back to the "dating" phase. No physical contact except kissing and hugging. If possible, treat your relationship as if you WERE dating. Literally. Go out to dinner, a movie, have conversations with plenty of eye contact.<P>2. Agree specifically NOT to take this to intercourse. It may be difficult for one partner or the other but think longterm. The idea is to establish that comfort level again. Ya gotta both WANT each other.<P>3. Conversation and eye contact are MOST important. You're rebuilding trust before you can really feel intimate.<P>4. Agree beforehand, let the betrayed be the first one to initiate for awhile. The betrayer's got to do WHATever to try to keep things comfortable.<P>5. Gradually expand physical contact. Be patient.<P>So, that's that. This approach may not be appropriate for everyone, but I didn't see anyone else post of it. It's basically, SOP for mainstream counselling as I understand it.<P>Good luck.

I am in the same exact situation as Sally, as I liked and still like to have sex with my husband, even if after a while, it became routine. I also wanted to be brave and show him that I am a good lover, most likely better than his girlfriend (as I write this, he is still sleeping with her and probably will continue to do so until one of them gets<BR>tired of it and moves on to someone else). I felt torn between "do I want to punish him and not sleep with him", which he said is not acceptable to him as long as I live under the same roof and I am in his bed or "do I try to make sex better with me ?" the thing is that my attempts to be better than the girlfriend are all futile attempts because no matter what I do he will continue with her because<BR>he once told me (quoting out of context) that she was "beautiful" and he refers to women on television that resemble her as "sexy". I am exactly to throw away either, but she is very free, newly divorced, no children, no responsibilities and she dotes all her time to him. I, on the other hand, take care of his children, his house, go to work 40 hours a week, and countless other things. How fair is this situation ? She is still working for him, I know he doesn't want to let her go because they have sex right in the place, after everyone else leaves for the day (what an arrangement....any other man out there have such a cozy arrangement ?) I pretty much busted this arrangement and told him that if he doesn't let her go within a month<BR>(according to him he can't do it sooner because she has appointments already made)<BR>I am kicking her a-- out myself. At least, if he want to have sex, he will have to find another place. Meanwhile, yes, I am having sex with him and he loves it, he says to me that I have him back, that I have reconquered<BR>him and what we had lost, but he is addicted to her and will not let her go, maybe ever.<BR>Any suggestions for me ?