U got good support. Eav has been by your side. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good to hear. Now let's see if he can walk the talk. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Remember you are sane, he c/b in withdrawal. Don't expect recovery. Let him prove himself. Don't start trying to fix all for him. Let him ask you for help. Let him know he needs to let you know what he needs.

L.

i'm heading to bed soon but my thoughts and hopes are with you!!

Ok. I'll say the nasties. I haven't followed your thread closely, but from what I've read today, I'd brace myself.

This doesn't sound like a decision. It sounds like a mood. And it will be followed by another mood. The mood that wants to talk to OW to see how she's doing, and then stop by her house to see how she's doing. Then maybe go away for a weekend, and come back to you.

You've already invited him back into your house. Questionable move. You get to watch him go through withdrawal now. Bummer.

Again, I could be all wrong -- but he's starting to head in the right direction. Just don't think your on the home stretch yet. I doubt very much you are. Hope I'm wrong.

Hurting, stay strong.. coz I'm sure there's going to be more ups and downs even when he moves back in. Coz your WH seems to be the kind to be bouncing all over the place. Also, make sure you enforce the boundaries that you have set for yourself.

I'm with eav-- my WH isn't getting over his oh-so-wonderful OW any time soon!

Stay calm.. stay strong now!

~A

ty all for the support. I will admit I am scared alot here. I worry about the withdrawl period and pray I can handle it. I did tell him I am here to talk if he needs to and I will listen without judgement or anger. Not saying anger won't happen but I will do my best to handle it constructively. Orchid, I do pray he can walk the talk because I'm not sure I could do this all over again. I know its going to take time and patience on both our parts. He did say to me this morning that we need to be able to tell each other how we feel and I told him I agree. I just hope I don't do the smothering thing. I worry about that. I want to meet his needs without being pushy. So amy advice on that would help me alot. I read about withdrawl and it almost scared the stuffing out of me. I will continue praying and looking for guidence from all of you.

Heres my advice..

I for one would NOT help assist with a no contact letter..

he's a grown man...the only way a no contact letter has any meaning is the actions behind it...

my concern when a spouse assists with something as basic as a no contact letter...their assistance can then be played right in to tactics to CONTINUE and prolong contact...

OP gets letter says cute little things..

;wife MADE him write this"

"Nice letter how does it feel for your wife to have you by the bullocks...."

"Nice that you went home to cute little controling wifey"

"Is that how you want to live your life..."

WS will then get to defend HIMSELF>...not the letter..

"well she DID help write it..."

She made me do it....

and off and running is the blame game between OP and WS with you as the target...

This is not about you demanding anything from him..this is YOUR boundary that you will not have an interloper in YOUR marriage...whether he crosses it or she...you need a plan as to what you are going to do about it...


people that are smart enough to betray families and spouses...are SMART enough to figure out how to say NO CONTACT....

Also in returning home to you this man is again playing yo yo creep with childrens emotions...

what is the PLAN to ask the children about how they feel about DAD coming home...and to discuss this with them with DAD present before he comes home.....

it is also evident that he is abandoning HER child...who has also been a pawn in their sick world...

how are the children going to really take this..
and is it possible that he stays at the sister for a while until he finds a really good pro-marriage counselor...

also what is his plan to make ammends with his family?
he has hurt them terribly as well...
what is his current opinion of them...

ARK

I agree with ARK regarding writing the content of the letter.

However, make sure to read it and mail it with him.

Making it a TEAM effort, I think, is a good start for RECOVERY. Its a start for working on the MARRIAGE together...

The N/C has been taken care of. Now I have something I need to ask. I know what his needs are but I don't ewant to smother him. How do I show him the affection and attention he wants without over doing it. He seems happy to be home but yet there is a little distance with him. I know he is going to go through withdrawl but I don't want to do anything he will consider smothering, but I want him to know I am there for him. Any ideas?

The N/C has been taken care of.

yeah!!! (sent also??)

i'm so happy for you!!

i don't know anything about withdraw (except that i'm in it -from my husband) and i'm not luky enough to be in a position where he is home and i have to try not to push too hard but i know others here will help you.

read HLRomantic's thread on page #1 today it has lots of information that can help you.

have you completed the emotional needs questions to get his list so that you know what things are important to him?

hurtinokla, here is a pretty good article that you may want to read: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Hurting -

What happy news! I always believe that the litmus test of the WS really wanting to work on the marriage is the NC letter. My WH wanted to move home, in fact almost did, while I was at work. But he wanted to come back on his terms - NC letter was pointless to him. Luckily I stood my ground (thanks to folks here - hi Melody).

Just take it day by day, and be prepared for your second thoughts once he is back.

((((hurting))))
I go to the beach and look what I missed! I'm glad he did the NC letter my WH balked at that the 1st time he left. I gave in too quickly. Proceed with optimisic caution. Have you both filled out EN questionaire? Its a start.

Keep posting and follow the words of the wise ones you've done REALLY well so far, stay strong and stick up for yourself. You want H home not WS. WS tries to sneak in sometimes.

Well things went pretty well last night. We talked some and we both agreed it was a little awkward with H being home. Even though I have been married to this man for 24 yrs it was like being with a stranger. He asked me how I was feeling I told him I was scared and anxious about trying to hard that I would smother him. He told me don't worry do what you feel and it will be ok. Is it normal to have these feelings of fear and panic? I stayed calm while he was here and was very happy, but today while he is at work I feel so scared and I have been watching the cell phone logs on line. I know I am maybe going overboard but I can't help but make sure all is on the up and up. I fear the OW will try and contact him even after the N/C letter. I pray he is strong enough to avoid her but its only been a 2 days since he has moved home. He seems commited to M but I can't help but have that little nagging doubt in the back of my mind....

Hurting:

Your reaction sounds exactly the same as mine was. After 27 years of marriage, feeling uncomfortable with my H, anxious and fearful..

It is essential, though, for him to be willing to take EXTREME PRECAUTIONS to avoid the temptation of further contact...

My FWH called me frequently, still does...

His life became an open book...shared cell phone accounts, cell phone always on...I know his whereabouts at all times..

This seemed unusual, uncomfortable to me at first after so many years of him being secretive and absent...

However, it really is normal for lovers to be in constant contact. So don't buy that you are being clingy...

Extreme precautions are necessary during these early days...in order to prevent a false recovery..

I experienced those too...no need to talk about that if there are EXTREME PRECAUTIONS....

I wish you well and take good care, HURTING...Recovery is extremely difficult and hard work...but well worth it once you make it through the first 3 to 6 months

pro marriage counseling set up....?

your own plan in your back-pocket over what your plan is if he bolts again?

has he spoken to the children?
have you spoken to the children?

have you spoken to him about his actions on HER children?

what is his plan when she shows up at his work?

has he agreed to tell you of all breach of contact?

ARK

Be prepared for the teenager's rebellion to triple.

Teens will 'test' Daddy being home in their own unique <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> way.

Discuss ~in advance~ with your H ways you plan to handle future rebellion as a co-parenting team. Your H must realize he has lost some of their respect ... this needs to be discussed proactivally between you.

Good luck.

Recovery is HARD <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> but worth it !

I have called a few MC most don't have any openings until next month. My plan if he bolts is to go on with my life and do what I have to do to be a good person. We both have spoken to the children. They are as anxious as I am. D told him if he did this again she would kick his butt. He just looked at her and grinned. Son is gald he is home but real quiet and does not say much yet to him. I have not asked him about her child, I was more concerned with mine. One good thing about his work is he a truck driver so he is rarely there. But he did say if she shows up he would walk away and not speak to her. He has agreed to tell me if contact is made. I know he has said these things but I still can't help but worry......

Don't dispair.

When I made my first counseling appointment, I needed it yesterday. The first opening they had was a month away.

I asked that they put me on their list to call in case of a cancellation.

A higher power was watching out for me that day. Within a few hours they called and asked if I could come the next day...which I did.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Wanted to remind you about the need for him to change his cell phone # and to close E-Mail accounts. Even listening to her leaving a message will set him back in withdrawal.
As others have indicated, there is a high likelihood that she will make desperate attempts to contact him.

Well he has no email accounts , the poor man can't even turn a pc on. I have tried t teach him but he has no interest. As far as cell phone goes I will speak to him about changing the number. Either that or we can switch phones she has no idea what my number is and let her call his number and me answer lol