OK. I'm going to say something others will think mean, but I think it needs to be said.

Yes, I think there is good hope for your marriage. But no, nobody knows what's going to happen. Restoring your marriage isn't dependent on your bag of Plan B tricks. Plan B just improves the odds. It's now dependent not only on his love for you -- but on his strength of character. And that is fluctuating on a moment-by-moment basis.

What is very clear is that YOU will survive. YOU need to move on without him for now. A lot of the posts keep encouraging you to let him motivate your actions. I'd like to see you move towards letting your own well-being, and that of your family, motivate your actions. You are already moving in that direction with remarkable speed.



Right. You get the point of Plan B.

Ty A.M for saying what you have.

I am trying so hard to move on but it just seems everything is going wrong.

The whole place is falling apart, the car which I can't drive until its fixed so now I am tied here for the moment. I just keep asking myself, why? Wasn't it enough for my H to do what he did now I have car , money and kid problems.

Son is having a hard time in school I need to go there and deal with that. I refuse to call WH about it, I figure the way he ignors the kids why should I bother him about it. he wants no responsibilites for now , so I will let him suffer the consequences over it.

d wants me to call her dad, I told no I will handle this myself. I have BIL coming over to see tonite. I hope he can fix the car. MIL and I will handle the kid problems.

he wants to be free to play, then I will let him play, and he can watch from the outside but not getting in until he can see what he needs to do to fix this. Maybe this sounds harsh but I feel its the best thing to do ......he knows he can talk to the kids anytime he wants, and they can tell him what they are doing themselves. I won't be doing it.

When things are going bad, try to remember that there are many, many others that have it alot worse off than you do. KWIM. You have family support, a roof over your head, etc. etc. You get the drift.

You're doing great. Stay strong.

Just had along talk with my son. He admitted he is having a hard time dealing with all this, He loves his dad very much. I tried explaining that his dad is going through soemthing right now and is confused and unsure.

I told him I am always going to be here and I love him very much and if he needs to talk or just vent I will listen. I asked him about talking to a counselor and says he won't do it. So I tild him please come to me then if you need to.

I also told him that his dad loves him to but right now its just hard for him to show it. I assured him that no matter what happens we both love him and his dad will someday be the man he loves so much. He asked me about his dad coming home, I told I don't know the answer to that question but that we need to be strong and show dad the way home by loving him and letting him know we are there for him.

He asked me why I would not talk to his dad this morning on the phone. I explained that I just needed some time to be able to think and do for myself and that also gives his dad time to think and see what he wants in life. he said don't you love dad anymore, I said yes I do very much and that won't change. I just explained to him that we all need time to work this out. I hope this helped him understand some things. Poor kid is really torn about this.


Last thing he said was I will never go to see dad as long as he lives with OW. I told him thats his choice not mine.

Smart kid I got here.... I also apologized to him for not being here for him since this happen. I explained that I was so caught up in self pity and fear I didn't know what to do, but I am getting past that now for the most part. I am now ready to be his mom again and help him through this.

So now is the time to be strong for my kids and not let them watch me fall apart anymore. If I find the need to cry , I can go somewhere by myself to do it , I want to show them strength and courage from here on in.

So very true inanutshell. I guess we sometimes forget that when we fell like we are sinking.

I do believe God does not give us more than we can handle. So that why I know I can do this no matter what.

Had the talk w/ d this afternoon. Told her I don't want her to be in the middle of this. So I explained to her if her dad calls and asks questions or wants to talk to me, she can ask him to call his sister and she can call me with his questions. I told her not to be rude to him just explain she does not want to be in the middle.

she said she was calling him to fix the car I told her, no your not. I will do this on my own and figure a way to get it fixed ....

Wh came back by the house a few mins ago. He came on the premise of talking to son about school problems. he came in th house I left the room. He asked son about school and that whole conversation lasted maybe 3 mins. no resolution or offer to help son.

D came in and told her dad about the car. He then came were I was and asked me about it. he also let me know of some places that were hiring. he went outside and looked at car. Told son what to do and he would call later and see what happens.

I then went into the bathroom to be away from him and he followed me and was telling me about the car. I never really answered him or looked at him at all. I avoided looking him in the face. I then went into my bedroom and laid down. He was looking for a drill, he comes to the bedroom and asks me about it. I said I don't know were it is. He walked off and came back and asked about the cable bill he saw laying on the table. I told him it was paid already. He then says I will be over to help S do the yard this weekend. I didn't respond.

He finally left. Every move I made to avoid him , he followed me. I will not be here this weekend if he comes to do the yard. I can't be here with him....Why can't he get it I don't want ot see him .....Do I need to restate my Plan B letter to him?

I don't know how he took my coolness and avoidence to him but I can't worry about that ......I just don't want him to think I no longer care.... I just want him to stay away....

Simply tell it to him the next time he comes over. That he doesn't LIVE there anymore, that he can't just come in and act like he does. That you've made it clear that you don't want further contact with him until he's met the terms of your letter to him.

I think I would stay gone as much as possible. Walk or take a bus somewhere - like to look for a job. It is going to be more and more stressful as you get caught up in his attempts to contact you.

When they finally leave you alone, Plan B is very peaceful. Try to get busy doing something.

ty for the advice . We don't have a bus system here Believer so that won't work. And everything is like several miles from my home so walking is not to much of an option. Now when MIL is home I can use her car but that only a fewafternoons a week. BIL is coming tonite so hopefully car will be ok.

I told MIL, why can't he get it?? I did everything to let him know I was not interested in talking to him except being rude. Most people would get it if you just walking away and avoid looking at them ......

Do you think maybe just not answering the door will work if I am here by myself? If kids are here next time I will go and lock myself in the bedroom if they let him in.....

I told MIL, why can't he get it?? I did everything to let him know I was not interested in talking to him except being rude. Most people would get it if you just walking away and avoid looking at them ......

[b]H is trying to goad you into an arguement so he can proclaim you to be 'unreasonable' or 'too angry'.

Change the locks on the house ... aren't you aware of any recent break-ins around town?

Tell the kids that you are trying to protect your feelings and your broken heart. Tell the kids that you need to have a place that is completely protected from any further stomping on your broken heart. Tell the kids you need to make your home a safe place for yourself. Then, ASK them to help you make your home a "safe zone for Mom" .... Ask for a safe zone. See if that helps.

He does not have any keys .. my son let him in .....I have told the kids that I can't see him and I explained why. My son just misses his dad so much he wanted to see him ....I understand that so I can't fault him for that .... If he comes back I will just lock myself in my room or get out the door and drive away..I want my sona nd daughter ti be able to see him here if they want. I can always leave they are old enough to be alone here. .I will definatley lock my bedroom off though before I leave ......

I really don't think he was trying to get an arguement out of me , I think he just wanted me to respond and jump back on his string so he can yoyo me around again so he can beocme a cake eater again.....

he will figure out I mean business, because I now have a clear plan in my head how to avoid him when he shows up.

Your son could be given an alternative to letting his Dad in the house ... like a comfy porch chair or go for a ride in the car... If your H is allowed into the house whenever he wants... Plan B is going to be compromised ~because~ some of your H's ENs are likely to be tied in with his feeling like a good man who takes care of his family ... like doing the yard work , etc ... try to limit as much as possible anything he does around the house ... he does not live there ... ask your son again to keep the house a "safe zone" for mom ... and brainstorm ~with your boy~ of a solution as to where he might go wih his Dad to spend quality time together.

I suggest you nip this in the bud ASAP.

Oh I never even thought of it that way pepper. I guess doing the yard work would make him feel like he was doing something for the family... But the bad thing is most of the junk in the yard is his and he left it and alot of it is way to heavy for us to move, and he has the truck in which to haul it off....

But I do see your point and I will talk to son about it... yes WH can not be allowed to come over here and do anything..

Hurting:

Pepperband said it well and is absolutely right.

Yup you all are right ..... I will talk to son tonite about this.....

SIL called and said WH told her that for some reason I would not talk to him. She told him he needs to reread the letter I gave him so he will understand why. He said he was going to read it again but she said she would explain it to him again. she said he was disturbed by me not talking and she saw the hurt in his face when they were talking about it.

he did take me off the life insurance policy and put the kids on it. Wow thats a big step to take. its kinda scary if something was to happen....

Well guess I can't worry over it now, its his choice...

BIL is working on car now, hope he can fix it. I need my wheels to find a job ...

No surprise to me at least, WH's performance is typical.

Another sleepless night for the poor fogged alien. Life just SUCKS for him right now and it's only just begun.

You're doing great.

ty inanutshell, I needed to hear that. Actually makes me happy that he is probably not sleeping much better than I.

Well time for reality to start setting in. Or at least some of reality. Darn shame I have had to be in reality since all this started a little fantasy land would be nice about now.

I have to say I was upset by him today but not as bad as I had expected. Darn old aliens for some reason just don't get it.......

hurting, please listen to Pepperband about keeping your WS out of the house. This is a very important element of Plan B. It undermines your Plan B if they are allowed in the house to get a home "fix." Plan B is designed to show them what life will be like without you and the family. Letting him in the house prevents that. Your SIL needs to explain to him that he is not to come in the house again. If he needs to pick up the kids, he can call first and they can meet him at the curb.

Please be prepared for your H to try every which way to get you to break Plan B. Don't let him do it! It will only undermine your credibility, which in turn dramatically diminishes your leverage.

Hang in there, hurtin!