H and I finally went through our emotional needs questionnaires together. I knew that some surprises could be expected, but I need help understanding a couple.<P>H rated family commitment and honesty/openness as two of his top 5. He also rated me high in meeting those two. My confustion arises because he demonstrates so little of those two himself. <P>I do understand that one can have a need that they don't freely give themselves (i.e. the spouse who wants to be financially supported and not required to earn an income) I also did not lovebust when we went over these...just mentioned that I was surprised.<P>He said that he realizes now how much time his work took away from family and at what expense and wants to fix that. Okay, but is that an emotional need for me to satisfy for him or something he wants to fix for himself?<P>Also, he rated the honesty need as high because he says he knows there is a big distance between us and he doesn't know what I'm thinking sometimes. Now I've mentioned before on this board that I have tried letters, talking on the telephone, talking through doors, etc. to connect w/him...but he dismisses me. At the same time, he is dishonest about many things. So how is it that he feels a great need for honesty but won't give it himself?<P>I am concerned because he often "says what I want to hear" and we "fix" the wrong problem. <P>Any thoughts?

<BR>Hi Enlightened -<P>Gee - the only thing that I could think of is that he's projecting what he can't/doesn't give.<P>If you can't figure it - perhaps you can somehow ask what he means by ........ and could he give an example.<P>Also, if it is something that he does with you and if so, how (example)<P>See if he thinks that he does do these things that you don't see.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Enlightened, I agree with Sheba. He's probably projecting and wants something he isn't able to give, but knows you are. <P>You reminded me of what happened when my H and I filled out our questionnaires. Of course I chose honesty as one of my top needs, but was extremely surprised to see that H had placed it highly too. Unlike you, I questioned it in light of the fact that I'd just caught him in a lie about 3 days previously. I said "I suppose I have to be honest but you're somehow exempt?". He looked sheepish and said he intended to be honest from now on. However, on closer inspection of that part of the questionnaire I noticed that he hadn't checked off "sharing information regarding her personal history" under "which of the following areas of honesty and openness would you like from your spouse". I asked him if it was not important to him to know about things from my past, and he said "No, I prefer to leave the past in the past". <P>Telling comment there, since he's become very honest about what he does now but is still covering (has blocked?) things that happened during his "friendship" with the OW, in the "past".

Hey Sheba! Glad you're back...Missed your "positivity" (is that a word? )<P>I think you are right about projecting. I'm glad he recognized these things...I consider them personal values, but we were always in conflict about them. W/family commitment, he says he realizes now what you "leave behind" when you commit so much to working (and other extracurricular activities!) He says he wants to re-commit to his family. YEAH! I just hope he is not neglecting to identify some other important need while he tries to improve upon his own "newly" found values.<P>W/the honesty...Cristalle, this is amazing. My H skipped the personal history piece also! I didn't speak specifically about that, but did notice. He pretty much clammed up about honesty on his part...mostly commented about what he needs from me....then had to end discussion.<P>Since honesty is a biggie for both of us (perhaps for different reasons), maybe understanding and using the POJA will help resolve some of these issues. Honesty seems to be the foundation of the POJA, right?