This week is the deadline for WH to make a decision. The way he has been treating me (or ignoring me)I'm pretty certain what that decision will be. I'm ready. I have had ENOUGH. When he leaves I do not believe he will come back this time. I am ready to move on. I have done my inventory and faced my demons. I've made positive changes in my life and will contiue to do so. I have plans for the future that do not include WH. I can look in the mirror and know that I have loved with my whole heart and offered unconditional love and forgiveness. He has chosen not to accept it. I'm not angry, I actually feel sad for him. I have never been able to hold a grudge, all that negative energy is too draining. He on the other hand has a stead fast grip on anger and resentment. Both of his parents were miserable, unforgiving and bitter. I believe he is headed down the same road. Maybe its better to separate now before anymore damage is done to me or our kids.

I accidentally stumbled across new information that leads me to believe that his relationship with OW has been going on much longer than what I thought. At first I thought of how I could use this information. But now...it really doesn't matter. He should go be with her, I'm done. The only sticking point is that I do not want my children around her, to that end I will use EVERYTHING at my disposal. Don't mess with my babies!!

I will file the papers for parenting and support. He has already agreed to the terms. I predict that he will not want to work on our marriage and since that is his choice HE can get a lawyer and file the divorce papers, I will protect the needs of my children but I will not assist him in dissolving our family.

He has been working so hard to not look like the bad guy. I wonder if he can actually look at himself in the mirror and think he has done the right thing. I guess I will never know. I don't think he will ever take the time to find out.

Confused42, I wish I was one of the wise ones who could say something helpful. I can feel the pain and disappointment behind your words and my heart breaks for you. I wish I could send a giant lightening bolt to strike some sense into him - or at least give him a good jolt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I can also sense your dignity and strength. Your WH is definitely the one to be pitied, if he makes the stupid choice to give up his family.

{{{{confused}}}}

((((((Confused)))))))


I haven't posted to you before; I don't know if you've been following my fun little saga with my WW; but I am going through exactly what you are.

I had remained faithful and stuck by her while she has done nothing but **** all over me in return; she remains bitter over things I have done; things that are cake in comparison to things she has done to me in this marriage and I have forgiven her wholeheartedly for. I finally was so down in the dumps and hopeless about the situation that I e-mailed her and told her to mail me the d-papers.

This was her reply:

aaron~ why the change in heart? you don't talk to me for weeks and then this? if that's what you want to do, then fine. i think we both knew it was going to end this way anyway, but no matter what, you can't avoid me. you have things of mine at the irizarry's and we still need to go through everything at the apartment. i will bring the papers to you myself so we can discuss things and you can sign at that time, and i will file. next time, don't make your e-mail so short and impersonal especially after absolutely ignoring me for the past 2 weeks. you are still married to me ya know and i deserve a little bit more than that. e-mail me back if it won't break off your fingers to actually write me more than a sentence...

~shannon

and since when did you start signing your e-mails "a"...last time i checked your name was aaron....

------------------------------------------

As you can see; the fog completely has skewed everything that is going on in her head. In her eyes, she is the BS even though she has run her course into a full-blown A, I have never been unfaithful to her; and for the past month I have given her my completely and undivided attention - something she hasn't even graced with me for months. Yet, in her eyes - I ignore her; everything is my fault; and "We both knew it was going to end like this" More like she did.

Be prepared for backlash once you go through with this; and more than anything stand true to your course if this is what you want. Having the WW drill into me has taken the anger I had and the steadfast resolve I had for ending this and made me do a double-take. It will be hard; but if she doesn't commit to us now, I'm gone.

Be strong.

-Fox

Pebbles thanks for the reply. I don't think he is going to get it, I am beginning not to care if he ever does. I will not be able to do this much longer. He ignores when I'm in the same room. The recent details are too involved to type right now, but it has gotten to the point of absurd. I thought occured to me. I've been preparing myself for when he leaves....what if he won't go? What if he refuses to leave and still refuses to work on the marriage? I can do plan B, looking forward to going dark, but what if he won't move out? I will not leave this house. I guess I'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Just wait til you hear the details of the last couple of days...its just absurd...thats the best word I can think of.

(((fox)))
I'm sorry you're going through this...but looking at your age I wish I had this knowledge then. Use this experience to brighten your future. You make me feel a little old I started dating my H the year you were born. Yikes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I am old!

Being young does not make your pain any less. Learn all you can from this site. You will benefit from it greatly and make you an irristable partner for a lucky young woman, maybe its WW, maybe not. I wish luck and much happiness.

Well, he is not ignoring me anymore. When he was totally ignoring me while I was in the same room last week...the room we were in was his hospital room! There I was his own private nurse taking care of his every need and he wouldn't even look at me or say thank you. It was obvious to me, the kids and even my mom who brought the kids and came to visit him in the hosp. When we got home I confronted him about it and he said "I was going to thank you. I appreciate everything you've done."

I kept his dad, brothers and his boss up to date on his condition and a couple of his friends. His local friend that knew he was in the hospital, I asked him to keep it quite and not tell one certain individual (who is direct link to OW). I just couldn't bare the thought of her showing up there and having him light up when he saw her. Or to have her send something.

He does not mention her at all and still admits to nothing. But before the hospital stay he had fully intended to go to the Pocono NASCAR race without me and where she would be. A few days after he was home and I was back to work her best friend showed up here with a birthday gift for my son, that same day her stepfather came by to see how he was doing because he had heard he was in hospital, that same day I saw her driving by my house...wtf!

That night I asked him what decision he had come to. He said since I pressed the issue, he thought it was better he move out for a month or so.To see if he missed being here. Leaving August 1st. My DD is away camping with my brother-in-law and family. He told my DS13 that he would be moving out because we haven't been getting along. My son said he had seen that, how WH gets irritated.

Since then he has actually been talking to me, asking about my day. Accepting things from me and doing things for me. At night he tries to seduce me. I'm confused...again. Which I guess is his goal. Is he just trying to look like the good guy? Insight please on alien behaviors!!!PLEASE!!!! All the while still moving forward making plans to leave.

He is back to work today. His wounds are healing well. His pain is gone. He is back to a regular diet. I'm sure he will be exhausted when he gets home tonight. I don't think he'll have time to lurk here today.

Input please!!!!!!

edited to add: BTW his wounds are surgical wounds and from tape burns (sensitive guy). Not self inflicted or inflicted by me.

bump

Still looking for insight. WH put a deposit down on a place today and continues to be kind. Maybe he is relieved he finally made a decision.


Comments???

WH told DS he was leaving for awhile because Mommy and Daddy aren't getting along and we talked about it and Daddy is going to move out. I asked my son if he had any questions, he said no. I have no evidence that the A is still on other than WH has no desire to work on marriage. I don't want to put the kids in the middle of this. Do I wait til they ask questions and answer them as honestly as I can? Do I tell them, Mommy wants to stay married to Daddy but Daddy isn't sure he wants Mommy anymore? I don't want to make WH out to be the bad guy, but I also do not want to lie to the kids. I don't want it to come off as "Mommy is making me leave." The kids know we've had problems WH left once before. But they haven't seen or heard us fight, and right now we are talking more than we have in months. How have others handled this?

I did something this morning I have always wanted to do. I swam laps before work! I know it doesn't sound like much but for me it is. I've always thought "I'll get up early and swim" then morning comes and I hit the snooze button. We've lived with this great pool for 11 years!! Its the first time I did this and it felt just wonderful...a great way to start my day. With WH leaving, I'll have to find things to do for myself.

He plans to leave early next week. I know I will miss him terribly...but I think is the way it has to be right now. He needs to decide for himself that he wants to be a HUSBAND and live with his family. If he doesn't want to be a H then he shouldn't be with me, not with his behavior over the last year. In my head I know this..in my heart I know this too but there is also great sorrow, because I don't think he will return once he leaves.

I don't think our problems are unsolvable or unforgivable...but they do need to be dealt with. I don't know that he will be willing....ever. But avoiding it won't make it better, we did that, look where it got us. So its the next step.. Plan B to help him clear his mind and to help me heal. I guess its actually more of a beginning then an end.

I don't know how to do the kids thing myself. That's a very touchy subject.

Thanks navyredman, its nice to know somebody is actually out there. I've been following your thread and wish you the best. I grew up with my Dad in the military, there are a lot of challenges and then adapting to civilian life more challenges. Hang in there and keep posting.

I checked out my horiscope on yahoo on a whim...never did it before. I'm aquarian...here's what it said:

Daily Extended Forecast for July 27, 2005
Provided by Astrology.com


A loved one you've been thinking about fondly for some time has finally come around -- at least, it seems that way. There are several roadblocks in their way, however, many of which won't move aside easily. The hard part will be your urge to clear their way without enlisting any help at all from them. The harder part will be the absolute necessity of your letting go so that they can make this happen alone -- which is what will really count.


Are the Harley's into Astrology too?

He said he was moving out August 1st..he put a deposit down...he told DS13 he was leaving. He still hasn't told DD10 yet. She is Daddy's little girl so I'm sure he is putting it off as long as he can. He took her and my niece camping with our dog (at DD request because WH does not even like the dog.)

I am angry and frustrated...we are back to the one word answers...again. I don't know if he's had contact with OW but I wouldn't be surprised. He never mentions anything remotely related to her. I think its his way of protecting her.

As I see it there is nothing that has happened that is unsolvable or unforgiveable. We have problems that need to be addressed. Most of it is poor communication but there is so much I want to talk with him about. We are both conflict avoiders, BIG TIME! There are things I should have shared with him before we got married. I know what its like to live a double life and not know how to get out of it. I did things I was ashamed of. I made poor choices. I did these things long before I met H. I thought they were in the past and had nothing to do with H. He never asked me questions about my past so it made it easy not to share these secrets...I wanted to forget them. Now I think these secrets have been haunting us. Like if he knew the whole truth about me he would never love me. WH is not a very forgiving kind of guy.

He is not the only one that needs to open up. But if he is not willing to commit to the marriage its a waste of breath.
Why does he have to make it so difficult to talk to him?

I know he has to leave. It just that I will miss him so much...doesn't matter he's been here and I've been missing the man I knew. I know plan B is coming. I know what I have to do. It doesn't make it easier. I'm so sad and so angry, sometimes I just want to shake him when he gives me that blank stare and yell at him "Wake the f*** up and fight to save your family!"

Sorry for the rant...I just had to get it out.

U r not ready for plan B yet. Too much anger in your soul.

Take the time to get your mind and heart in sync. When plan B is executed too early, the hurt comes back double fold. Maybe 3x or worse.

Plan wisely.

For me it helped to sniff the air and make the WS wonder if he stunk. In reality the A is horribly stinky. I let him know he (ws) reeked also. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Hi Orchid thanks for the response. Not ready for plan B? Please explain further. I've done plan A without knowing then a really good plan A since January. His behaviors have changed...somewhat...he does not drink as much...he rarely goes out at night... he said he noticed changes I've made but doesn't trust that they are real.There have been no LB on my part.

At times he does talk to me but for the most part he shuts me out. He is planning on leaving tomorrow and I feel sad but almost relieved because I can't go on living with him and the cold shoulder. The last time he left he was gone for only a few days and I never got to plan B. When do you know you are ready for plan b?

In PLan B, you have to be ready to let all of this anger and hurt go. It is your time to Heal......I knwo that people say that Plan A is for the BS, but in reality I don't think it happens to work out that way. When you do a PLan B, I think you have to be ready and willing to go the distance (and YES, I am talking about divorce). If you are not ready for that, I would hold out as long as you can. A failed Plan B is a major setback for a BS "plan" and it takes the effect away for the future.

Look at it like this. You only get one chance to make a 1st impression. Think of your PLan B like this. This is IMVHO your BEST chance at a reconciliation. If you "compromise" this, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of Wayward Spouse compromises.

Just my .02

Sour... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for you .02! There are times that I think I could just move on without him, I know I can...I just don't want to. I won't do plan B until I'm sure I can hold the boundaries...which will be hard for me. I've always been the one willing to make peace and compromise. But there are areas that I can hold the line, like with my kids and my patients. In those areas I make the boundaries very clear. I should act as my own caregiver...because I am.

I just posted a question to Gimble over on Pebbles thread. but you kind of clarified the issue for me. Thanks Sour Guy.

The fact that you feel relieved to have his presence gone is one sign but not the main one. You need to get your heart and mind in sync so that plan B has a sure footing.

This is the hardest t/d and takes the longest. Most of us know with our minds that we must diengage from the WS. But our hearts won't let go. We keep feeling like there is hope, when in reality as long as he is a WS, there is no hope. So plan B removes us from that pain. Once you have executed a good plan B, you will see the results. The bad part of many, get all fired up, don't have their mind and heart in synd, send the plan B letter, then concede to the WS when the slightest attempt by the WS is given.

The WS know that if they throw out a few crumbs the BS will come a runnin'. That should not be. Many of us made that mistake and had several false recoveries.

In plan B you must resolve that if it goes to the D, that you and your family w/b ok. The WS will play that abandonment card follwed by 'you don't love me' then pull the 'I am gonna take everything away from you' card. All the while saying the WS will come home.

The kicker is you don't want the WS to come home, you want your spouse/H/father of your children NOT a WS character.

Hope I explained enough. Let us know.

take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid. I do keep looking for "good" crumbs. Its pitiful. Going through the practicalities of separating; financial arrangements, trying to figure out how I will get household repairs done, the logistics of child care, working full time and doing all the regular stuff ie laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, pet care, child care and did I mention laundry. I hate laundry.All this mundane everyday stuff that needs to be address kind of take the romance and drama out of the situation. Life goes on.

I think I will get to where I need to be for plan B. After he has gone and the telling the kids thing is done. I look forward to peace and doing things at my pace to please me. Today I was doing laundry and cleaning. The thought crossed my mind I'm not doing this quickly enough, he won't think I got much done today. I stopped in my tracks!!Screw that, I get done what I get done and if I want to take time out to take a nap or swim with the kids or brush the dog so be it! It doesn't matter what I do I won't get the seal of approval from him so I intend to do the things that I think are important.

BTW the camping trip with DD and niece got cut a little short. They took our dog with them. She has never been camping and she is weary around WH. He is not a fan. She is the sweet, smart and well behaved. They came home early because DD was worried because the precious pup didn't go to the bathroom the entire time they were gone. As soon as she got home she was relieved in more ways than one.I gave her a little extra TLC. She is my constant companion.

He still hasn't told DD he is leaving yet.