I have known about my husbands affair for nearly a month now. I have forgiven him and he is trying very hard to prove to me that he is sorry and regrets what he did. There is zero contact with the OW (as far as I know). He tells me when ever I want to look in his email I can, he no longer takes his cell phone anywhere, if he goes somewhere I go with him/or one of our children go. We are spending tons of time together and he has answered any question I have thrown at him. I really do believe he wants to be with me.

My problem lies with the OW. I know so much about her but have not yet seen what she looks like. I read their emails (that is how I knew for sure there was an affair) and it was more emotional than anything else. The words I read really cut deep and are burned in my head. She was a good listener, he felt so comfortable with her like he had known her forever, she made him feel so good.

I feel like I am up against someone who gave him everything he needed. I am doing back flips to out do her. (that sounds crazy!) Sometimes I think I over do it and end up annoying him then I feel like a failure. I am almost afraid to see what she looks like in fear she will be really attractive, then I will feel like she has something else over me.

Maybe I am trying too hard? It is like I am just having a hard time believing that he is over her and does not miss her or think about her. Are these normal feelings? I want to let go of it so bad and move on.

Maggie

Your feelings are quite normal for the abnormal sitch u r in. Your taker seems t/b kicking in and is quite angry at being used.

Please get with a good MC immediately. Read His needs/Her needs by Dr Harley. See if you can do some phone counseling for both you and your H with Steve Harley @ MB. You can have the conference call from the comfort of your own home.

Read the concepts section above and both of you take the emotional needs questionnaire. C/b quite revealing.

The OW met some needs but not all. The needs she met were temporary at best. So don't fret over it. The A disease that hit your H's head is what made it look worse and developed the A.

The OW is not a great thing. Instead she is low life preying on other families to fill a sick need of her own. Your WS also sunk himself to a low level to associate with such a character.

Good thing he has the sense to pull out of it as quickly as he did. He could go backwards so don't skip any of the recovery steps.

Right now, he needs to rebuild your trust in him and you need closure. Steve can help you with both.

L.

Maggie ~ Recovery is harder than surviving through an active affair. You and your husband need a plan for recovery. Your feelings are normal, and valid. Unfortunately though, your feelings and your husband's feelings can not get you through this, because much of the requirements for recovery just isn't intuitive.

Do call the Harleys and set up phone counseling. He can guide both of you through what you need to do.

And always remember that a choice to have an affair says more about the character of the parties involved than it does about the betrayed partner. She wasn't "all that" and your husband knows it.

That is great. It does sound like your husband sincerely regrets his actions and is willing to do what it takes to repair the marriage. I think you have a good basis for moving forward together.


Maybe this is an area you can focus on as you work to rebuild your marriage and meet each others ENs. As you read the material on this site, you will notice that those are important ENs. Look for the sections talking about ENs of conversation and admiration.


She couldn't possibly have given him everything he needed. She was not around enough to do that. She was only fulfilling a few needs (such as the ones you yourself noted above). He never experienced the realities of day-to-day life with her. They just lived in fantasyland.

This is not a competition! Stop doing back flips. Did you read about Plan A yet? You should be doing Plan A now. Plan A is not about doing back flips to please a WS. Plan A is about you. Taking a hard look at yourself, and improving you, learning to be a stronger and more confident you.

In what ways are you trying to outdo her?

If OW is all that attractive, why does she need to go after someone elses husband? Visualize her as the ugly person she is.

Maggie, Eyes made an excellent point. What kind of woman ruts like a pig with another woman's husband? A PIG. I am sorry, but anyone who does that is very ugly indeed. That is what you are really competing with, not some nice, clever, pretty woman that you are imagining.

M,

Remember this: YOU are the woman your H fell in love with and married.

The ow (no caps, ever again for ow/om. they do not rate.)usually turns out to be quite ordinary.

My H told me that the ow was quite beautiful, a knockout, blahblahblah.

Needless to say, I felt very insecure. Then, I found a picture she e-mailed him.

She looks like ME - enough to be my sister.

Read posts about what ow turns out to look like - usually quite the letdown.

And, Melody is right. Any W who tries to steal another woman's H is ugly indeed.

I know telling you to let this go is useless. This konwledge is part of the puzzle that is missing for you. However, seeing ow's picture is NOT going to make you feel better.

Do your best to look and feel your best - for yourself.