Well, I'm finally ready to share what originally brought me to MB back in January.

In October 2004 I discovered a stash of pictures of ladies in various states of undress and otherwise that my H (FI at the time) had saved to a folder on the computer. I discovered it when I hit "Browse" to attach my wedding invitation list spreadsheet to send to my Maid of Honour, and instead of My Documents coming up, it was this other folder, the most recently accessed.

I was completely shocked. I had never expected something like that was going on in our house. Anyway, I deleted all of it off the computer, and confronted him about it. I felt similar to what others describe on their DDays.

We worked through it, talking a lot. I felt that I couldn't be too mad as I had viewed some on the computer a few years back. I just thought that once we were serious about each other, that stuff like that would go away. I admit that it was very naive of me to assume as much.

Anyway, he agreed that he wouldn't look at internet porn, or pictures, or any of that anymore.

So then, in January, I was making the stag and doe tickets on the computer, and I hit Ctrl-C to copy the text, then Ctrl-V to paste. I guess I didn't hit the copy one properly because instead of posting my text, I posted a link. My MoH was with me, and we opened explorer and looked at the link.

It was another picture. I confronted him about it when he got home from work. He said that he had received an email but couldn't see what it was, so checked the properties, copied the address where it had come from, and was disgusted to discover what he had seen. Essentially, that it had been an accident.

I didn't believe him. I told him that he needed to call an MC and get us an appointment as soon as possible. He called around and we discovered just how expensive counselling is... And that's when I found MB. It was a link on the website for a MC local to me.

I started reading and printed out the ENQ and the LBQ. We read all of it together, did the questionnaires. We learned so much about each other. He gave me all of his passwords, gave me access to everything.

I went on AD's about that time, for a little over a month. It helped me process all that came next.

We started taking time to really spend quality time together. I ordered HN/HN, LB, and Five Steps from the MB website, as well as the Questionnaire book. I bought The 5 LLs from Chapter's, which he read right away, and applied what he learned. He has done everything that I've needed him to do.

We got married, life is great <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So Saturday night I'm playing on the computer and I see a link in his favorites (I stopped snooping "regularly" in April, but occasionally I will still have a look at the history and his favorites) and I saw a link that looked suspicious. I clicked on it and it was a picture site.

I went and got him from the other room to find out why such filth would be back on our computer after everything that had happened. I stayed as calm as I could, but I cried.

After some talk he said that he must have saved it from his email (apparently if you right-click on a link you can save to your favorites without actually seeing the site). He couldn't remember who the email was from, but he must have felt is was legit. The link was saved in February. I didn't believe him, that this had "accidentally" happened again.

I told him that I wasn't sure that I believed him. He said that he has stayed good to our "deal", which was that he wouldn't look at those pictures anymore. He swore to me that he hasn't.

He took me back to the bookstore yesterday so that we could find some info on SA, but nothing we found applied to us. So I'm asking the good people of MB for some direction.

I do believe him,that he has kept good about not looking, though I haven't told him that yet. I'm just not sure what I should do anymore.

So what's next?

Thank you in advance for any insight you might be able to provide!
Cat

Cat-

Hon...why are you posting this in the infidelity forum?? Are these nude pics of someone he's actually talking to online, or are they from porn sites?

I'm not trying to belittle your problem, and I find porn distasteful too, but in general most guys don't.

When you say *SA* I assume you mean Sex Addict, correct? You are taking your husband to the store to find books on sexual addiction because he looked at some porn?

I don't want to stereo-type, but I think most men probably do like it. I understand it may be crossing one of your boundaries that he's looking at it, but I don't think it makes him sexually deviant by a long shot. Men are visually stimulated.....that's just the way their built.

-Caren

Caren,

I wasn't sure that I should post here... When I first started reading the discussions I felt that my problem was nothing compared to the pain that many others are feeling.

But I wanted to post because my pain certainly feels real today. I know that men are built like that - he has a Playboy subscription and we have a few videos. It's the internet part of it that bothers me. It's only pictures now, but I know that it's not far of a jump to get to more.

What bothered me the most is that I felt he crossed a boundry, broke a promise. He says it was accidental, and I believe him, but what do I do if it happens again?

I wasn't sure about the SA books, I don't know the proper definition of a Sex Addict. Could you explain?

Cat

Men are built like what?

OK, I'm a little confused, therefore I have to presume that he is also a little confused. It's ok to look at playboy and watch porn, but it's not OK to look at naked pictures on the internet, is that correct?

Have y'all POJA'd all the porn issues?

Cat, what exactly is your problem with your husband looking at sexy pictures? Lord knows I can understand the problems with a spouse breaking promises but why did you extract such a promise in the first place?

If you feel that you should be the one that fulfills all your spouse's sexual needs are you sure that you are doing so? Did you have a conversation on the matter with your husband or did you make demands which he gave in to? Your post sounds a little driven to me. It reads like your husband is trying to meet your need but you write little about YOUR side of the bargain apart from saying what YOU want.

I am in the process of trying to save a marriage in which neither myself nor my spouse met any of the other's emotional needs. An affair was the result. I can tell you that in my own case neither one of us had a clue that we were starving the other's love to death. How sure are you that you know what is in your husband's heart and mind? How sure are you that you are giving him the things he needs?

Yes.



I understand then men are visual, as Caren said.



The agreement is as you stated: mags and videos are okay, internet porn is not.

Do you think that I'm confusing him, too?

scroll up

Please take a look at the following thread and make sure you take a look at all the additional links and reading material in this thread. There is also links to other sites for help with porn addiction (check out the last post on this thread). Porn addiction IS a very serious issue and not something to be taken lightly:

Husband addicted to porn and strippers

Hope this will help,
Suzet

Campdog,

We filled out the ENQ. I learned that I didn't provide enough recreational companionship, but other than that he is satisfied. I have made every effort to participate in his activities, even learning how to play the on-line game that he spends most of his free-time playing.

I did not demand that he stop looking at porn. He saw how it hurt me.

Is it wrong of me to not want him looking at that?

Cat

Suzet - thank you so much! I will read through all of it.

Cat

Yes. A lot of internet porn is nothing more than a picture out of a magazine, such as playboy. So what is the difference between looking at it on paper vs looking at it on a screen? To me it's confusing and truly doesn't make much sense.

I'm also curious as to when he's reading, watching, and looking at these things AND for what reason. Yes, men by nature IMHO, are visual creatures. Therefore, looking at these things peeks a certain level of arousal. So what is he doing with level of arousal? Is it being used to enhance your sex life?

Since this is already causing problem, maybe one solution would be that y'all only view porn together. Thus only using it as a tool to enhance your sex life, together. NOW THE WORD OF CAUTION. I let that in my house for a short time while married and I'll just say that it only lead to fantasies that I wasn't willing to fullfill, in the end caused much more harm than good.

I will say that personally I'm against porn. I don't use it and wouldn't be enthusiastic about my stb-wife using it.

Bill,

He reads the mags mostly in the bathroom, for the articles. I can't help but smile when he said that, but that doesn't bother me. He doesn't read them around me. I don't think that he's using the Playboys to get aroused to come see me - he's 23 and it takes only an unhooked bra to get his attention.

The videos we normally watch together. I couldn't tell you if he was watching without me, though I doubt it.

The internet stuff... I don't know, it just bothers me. H and I met in high school, but it didn't develp into more until we started chatting on ICQ (similar to Messenger).

Maybe I'm threatened by my own history.

Did you see the Recreation Needs Survey? Why not take that, have him take it and plan some activities away from computers.

If most of your concern is stemmed from chatting, I'd be more worried about the gaming and would look to find a healthy balance in that arena.

Reads the articles, huh.... Yeah.....OK.... Sounds like to me that you need to have a totally open conversation about your feelings and concerns with the on-line porn. Come to a POJA where you can feel safe. When you come to this enthusiastic agreement, ensure that he knows that this is what is required to provide you with safety.

Then if he breaks that, you'll have to come up with another plan. Either which way, you two are young and energetic, try to find activities that don't involve starring at a monitor.

Cat-

I'm sorry if I sounded like I didn't think you should be posting here, I was actually trying to clarify if your husband had actually been unfaithful.I understand what you mean about other people having worse problems, actually a lot of the people here would take your problem any day of the week over what they're dealing with, but that's neither here nor there, it's something that bothers you, and, therefore it's important.

I actually understand how you feel, and felt pretty much the same way when I was your age. I thought "Well I'll be damned if he's gonna get all revved up by porn and then want to have sex with me"....etc.

I got over it, I still don't like it, and although my husband does have some videos, and I have watched them with him on occasion (I'm sure I'm loads of fun to watch them with since all I can do is pick them apart...LOL, saying things like "Oh, yeah, I'm so sure she's enjoying THAT"), I don't understand the attraction, but I have chalked it up to, well I guess I don't get it because I'm not a guy. And I've REALLY, REALLY tried to find some value in it....but I can find none.

I know that with my husband, porn was sort of his *sex ed*....he watched them at a pretty young age at his uncle's house with his cousins...I know that all young boys are *interested* in sex, but I think it gave him an unrealistic idea of how frequent a couple should have sex, and what it should be like.

Most *Porn* sites on the internet aren't really interactive, so I don't know why you're drawing the line at computer porn. I mean some are interactive, but the majority aren't....unless he's PAYING for it, and that may be a horse of a different color.

It doesn't sound like he was spending large amounts of time looking at porn, or being on the computer for that matter...I mean was it daily, or weekly or monthly???

Would it be acceptable to you if you viewed it together???

I guess maybe you don't feel as threatened by a magazine or a movie, as your husband wouldn't have an icecubes chance in hell of ever being with any of those women...right? Maybe you think it's different online?? That he may have a chance???

I don't want to make this simplistic, but as it doesn't sound to me like he has a sex addiction problem, but forbidden things are often *more* fun, if you know what I'm getting at, or....how would he feel if you brought home some playgirl magazines??? (I personally find them distasteful...but I wouldn't be above buying one to drive my point home). Sometimes some reverse psychology does wonders.

I do commend you for trying to get help to work this out, because as I said...at your age I felt much the same way, only I OUTLAWED playboy's and I literally burnt his porn videos on the grill--LOL!!!!! (Yes, I over-react a little bit).



-Caren

Hi Caren,

Thank you for replying again. Your first post did make me feel wrong for having posted, and I'm glad that that was not your intention.

In response to your post, I originally discovered over 1,000 files saved to the computer. Each time he would come across a pic he liked, he would save it. That is how I originally discovered the "stash". I went snooping after that and found that he had over 40 links saved to his favorites.

He was looking almost daily, though at some points it was only weekly. He said that he felt obsessive about it, so he picked out an OCD book, but never read it.

It is partly the risk of interaction that bothers me about the internet stuff. My relationship with my H first developed when we started chatting on-line, so perhaps I don't want to give someone else the opportunity to do the same. I can't say for sure.

We do watch videos together, I'm not sure how comfortable I would be viewing internet porn together, given what's going on right now.

I did have a Playgirl subscription. I let it run out because I couldn't be bothered to read them. It didn't seem to bother him at all.

So there is hope, then, that time and age will make me feel better about this?

Cat

Lost Husband,

Thank you for your reply.

We completed the Recreational survey back in January. I'll suggest to him that we fill it out again.

I will talk to him about finding some new activities that don't involve the computer.

He is currently running a server for his on-line game, hosting the site for his siblings and friends, so he might be able to cut back on his computer time, but he'll still need to go on at least once a day.

Cat

Cat_A, YOU don’t feel comfortable with your H’s porn behavior and IMHO there is NO REASON on this earth why you should accept and/or be content with his behavior. It IS disrespectful towards you. Period. What your H is doing IS wrong and I can’t understand how some people can rationalize such behavior. Your H has a PROBLEM and I think he is ADDICTED to the porn and needs help. You can’t (and should not) expect yourself to feel better about this with time. I don’t know if you and your H are religious or not, but in God’s eyes your H is committing ‘mental adultery’ if he is looking and getting pleasure from those pictures. He is playing with fire... Did you read the links I have given to you yet? Please don't settle for less than what YOU are feeling comfortable with...

Suzet

Suzet,

Thank you for your reply.

I read through the posts and wrote down the links to the non-MB sites. I haven't had time to go through all of those yet. I see that what might seem harmless can turn into a lot worse, though I hope that in my situation it never comes to that... Does that sound incredibly naive?

We are not religious, though we were raised with God. I'm not sure that talking to him about 'mental adultery' will help.

I am not comfortable with the internet porn. He seems to understand this. He has sworn that he has not looked at any internet porn since he agreed that he wouldn't. I believe him.

I was just thinking about Caren's post, that she wasn't comfortable with it at my age, but as she got a little older it's not such a big deal.

Right now, the fact that he'll talk to me about this, feels like a step in the right direction.

Cat

Cat,
Check out www.sexualcontrol.com
Good stuff in there.

Cat_A, I can’t say if you’re naïve or not, but I don’t want you take this issue lightly and be ignorant about it…. I want you to be properly informed and be aware of the possible dangers.

Some people are more “open-minded” than others and maybe some people become more “open-minded” as they are getting older, but IMO porn is a MORAL issue. Therefore, in my view, if something is against your moral values at a certain age and then, as you get older, you start to accept those things which was AGAINST your moral values initially, then in reality you have actually LOWER you standards. So you must ask yourself if you’re willing to lower your moral values just to satisfy and please your H... If not, then DON’T do it and don’t settle for less than what YOU are feeling comfortable with on a moral level.

Hope this could help... Keep talking to your H and try to make him aware of the dangers in a loving & caring way.

Suzet