My wife of 14 years came to me in March saying that she was unhappy with everything in her life. She said she didn't feel loved and hasn't for a long time. That we had lived our lives on the surface and never made a deep connection. I tried over the months to show her, but she wouldn't let me in. She since has had an affair, I found an e-mail and confronted her. She ended it the next day, but said our problems were not about the affair. She says she married me because I was her safty net. She loved all the things about me, but wasn't deeply in love with me.

I love her very much and want to show her I can change. She belives she is wasting her only life and missing out on true love. We are seeing a psycologist wednesday, I have know idea what to do. I thought I had a plan when I thought she had fallen out of love, but what if she was never in Love??


Hepl me.

Hon, she's a bit foggy right now and not too much will make a lot of sense. I'm glad you are getting some counselling as that will help.

In the mean time..Plan A.
T

Twyla, Thanks for the support, we have since talked, seen the
psycologist, and talked some more. We are stuck in grief right now. She told me prior to our last talk, she had decided to leave, but now she has agreed (half heartedly) to see if we can feel anything left between us.

At the recommendation of this forum, I am going to suggest a date night, where we can get out from under the fog and try to just have some fun. I'm not sure she'll go for it, but I'm going to ask.

Any other suggestions?

Thanks again for all the support everyone!

Also, One of the ways I discovered my WS' A was to get into her cell phone any look at the call history. It's quite easy to see someone's day to day contacts. I've been thinking of looking again, even though she say's it's over & it was never about the OM. My insecurities are getting the best of me. I know I would still be in plan A, would it really change anything other than shattering me all over again. Maybe I should start trusting to start the rebuilding?

What do you think?

hmmm...well, way back when I had a very reluctant WS..and the OW was in and out of the picture the whole time.

So, after Plan B when we sort of got to talking again, I came right out and presented a "90 day plan" to him. This takes a little guts, but it worked out pretty well for us.

You know, when you sincerely tell some one 'I love you and I think we could have a wonderful relationship. You and what we've had are worth too much to me to simply walk away" it tends to make them think..especially after they have experienced both a good, consistant plan A and a sobering Plan B.

Basically what I offered was this.

For 90 days we work thru some issues and even see if we WANT to recommit to the relationship. Basically we spend time talking not only about the A, but more importantly the relationship we had, and also what we wanted in a relationship in the future. We also agreed to at least 15 hours of NON relationship/A FUN time. I only asked that there be absolute TRUTH from both of us. If he saw her..please tell me. (At this point, I had learned to talk to him as a friend about this relatiosnhip..instead of a screaming harridan. I made sure it was SAFE for him to talk to me.

I was OK with physical intimacy, but I did insist on condoms. He..hmmm..well later he told me that condom thing really made him think that maybe I had been with someone else...again, a fairly sobering thought for him.

Well, I stayed in plan A mode, and by example, this sort of brought him in plan A mode. It also made our relationship the more....hmmmm...pleasant relatiosnhip. Yes, he still talked to and saw the OW, but less and less frequently and, as I now knew all about her, and she knew it...she became the whiny, needy one. hehehe..sorry, couldn't help myself even now!

Somewhere during the 90 days, I slowly sort of brought up "something neat I read" about relationships. ( He was and still is very resistant to the actual reading, but doesn't mind me occasionally bring up stuff). Anyway..I started with the recreational list here on the web site..and we picked out some new stuff to do. A couple weeks later I asked him to review the Lovebusters stuff..but with a twist..I showed him how I filled out the list and asked if there was anything I missed..anything I needed to improve. This of course, sort of brought the subject to him..so we were able to work throught that.

Couple weeks later..did sort of the same with the EN's. So it was little by little instead of bombarding him.

There were ups and downs..good days and bad..but basically by the end of 90 days..we knew we wanted to continue on.

I wish I could say that took care of the OW..but it actually took almost another year before she quit cominc around or calling. The good part is that he didn't WANT her around.

So...should you TRUST her? No. It's silly to trust someone completely, just as Harley says. BUT, being honest "honey, I have to tell you I was feeling really uncomfortable, checked your cell again and saw you called her. I'm sorry I snooped. But, since I did, would you share with me what's going on?" this tactic was either met with anger (especially at first) and later with "yes, she called and she wanted me to come over" and even later, "I wish she would leave US alone".

The counselling is good. If you are reading one of the Harley books, you could show it to her, but don't BUG her about reading it. Just tell her you're reading it for YOU..so YOU are a good partner no matter how you end up.

Try to stay positive. Try to stay sane. It's NOT easy some times.
T