Yes, thats right. My H cheated on me with multiple random men on the internet!!! And you people thought this marriage was worth saving!! Not everyone should have the RIGHT to stay married. Not only did he cheat on me when I was on BEDREST pregnant with HIS CHILD and God Knows whenever else, but he had the odasity to make ME feel guilty for talking to OM's online WHEN HE WANTED ME TO FOR HIS OWN SEXUAL GRATIFICATION!! And put my health at risk because he just couldnt take not having any sex with anyone he could find!

And then he comes here and makes himself look self ritceous and makes me feel like trash, calls me a whore, when I never TOUCHED another man. And the men I did talk to HE KNEW ABOUT!! The only thing I did was fall in love, god forbid with someone who actually CARED about ME! He cared and he wasnt even getting any sex from me. The only person I've even had a intimiate connection with, because my H only relates to people thru sex. AND he CHASED my OM away! He had more character and dignity in his little finger than my H!! My H would manipulate, control me and make me feel guilty just so he could get sex from me. And THEN tries the same tactics to get me to try to stay with him! I should have followed my gut years ago when I knew I wasn't happy, and left him then! I've wasted so many years that I could have been happy with someone! He has no character AT ALL!~

And I let him go on trips with his gay friends, while i stayed home and watched his children and he was doing GOD KNOWS WHAT!!! And he would make me feel bad for being angry that he was leaving the family while he was off doing drugs and who knows what people! And then came home and touched ME!!

Be warned. YOu may THINK you are helping the injured party on here, but what you know is only what people tell you. And before you JUDGE someone else and their marriage maybe you should think about that. The spouse knows more about whether they should stay THAN YOU PEOPLE DO!! I can't get away fast enough. And I cant believe that I anguished the last few months over this decision. and felt bad because I was so DEVISTATED about him sending my OM away! I should have followed my gut years ago. Now I don't know if I can EVER trust a man again.

Win,

I am very sorry to hear what has transpired. However, do me a favor and realize the you had no knowledge of your H's activities and you still cheated on him. There are many lessons to be learned from your experience, but I do hope that you learn that fidelity is something YOU control within yourself and it is a very very valuable thing.

God Bless,

JL

Win b:
Sorry for your Pain. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

If I might ask, who is your H (his handle here) ...so I may read up and better understand the "appearance" you wrote of that he Portrayed Here.

Thanx and again sorry this happened to you.

Win-

Very very sorry to hear this. I can imagine how horrible this must be for you...

And I totally agree that it's entirely possible to present one facet of yourself on the internet, when the rest of you is something completely different...remember, that's the biggest thing that we've ALL been saying about online emotional affairs!

Now...remember too that it's entirely possible (probable) that your OM did exactly the same thing...presented only the aspects of himself that he WANTED you to see. He never showed the aspects of himself that would have scared you away...just like your H never posted any of THIS kind of information about himself here either. I have the same belief about my wife's OM as well...

I sincerely hope that both of you seek counseling of some kind for yourselves, and for your children.

Click on her name and then show all posts and you will find out.

Never mind.

I got off my lazy butt and looked around for myself.

Then the very first post I read from bassistist is this:


YIKEEESS!!

Wow, I see what you mean there win!

To your H:
I always feel cheated when people come here and aren't even CLOSE to being truthful.
I mean we all have our own perspective on things; but dang this kind of crap is just too much.

Don't waste our time and energy; cause there are a lot of folks that can use it, and actually appreciate and implement it in their lives.

Win... I'm sorry for how you are feeling right now.

dewt

Hey Win,
How's it going? I've been away for a few weeks and kind of self involved...with my own problems...for a few weeks before that...so I'm kind of in the dark. Am I to understand that you two finally split?

So how long did you know about his gay life? Was it always there...on the side? I mean this kind of adds a no perspective to going on trips to enjoy roller coasters...if you get my drift!

When did he come out of the closet and how did he fess up or did he never show any kind of up front honesty about his preferences?

This kind of thing is really sad. Sad for all involved but especially sad for a wife to live with I would guess. I guess he was bi or he wouldn't have wanted to be having sex with you as well?

How did you two manage to have any kind of relationship? I mean this sitch had to be a bit conveluted to say the least?

Anyway, sorry to hear that this waqs your life for so long. I know that it's just my opinion but I always felt that it was a person's right to have some one in their life that was there...just for them. It would have be kind of hard for me to live with some one...who was spreading themselves around so much...to both OM and OW.

Good luck and hope the kids are OK.
Coach

I did NOT cheat on my H. He KNEW I was talking to everyone of the OM's and didnt want me to stop because he would then get sexual gratification from me afterwards. I will NOT feel guilty about anything that I have done, I dont care what you say. I'm not saying i couldnt have handled things better. I should have left him a long time ago!

Thanks Owl, He seems to think he doesn't need any counseling. I am still in counseling, I feel I will need a lot to be able to trust a man again.

I found out because he had created personal ads all over the internet (while telling me he wanted to work on things) looking for relationships and/or sex. He wrote to a couple about his past and I had gone in his history on his pc and read it. And he, still breaking in to my accounts found out I knew when he read an email I sent. Poetic Justice I think! I'm sure he has more to hide that I don't know about, but I really don't need to.

I should have suspected when he wanted to go away w/gay men for a week at a time. But he was always so obsessed w/sex that I didnt think about other men. I think he has a real sex addiction.

Hi Win,
I am sorry.

Bassist gave me the creeps. Seemed very manulipative in his posts. Guess we know why. Psychopath comes to mind... I never understood why WS's needed to torture the BS... I dont know how these people sleep at night.

Please be very careful and take care of yourself - Dru

He also told me he would have said or done anything to KEEP me. Not to show he cared about me, but to KEEP me.

His handle is bassistist.

She said, he said...

win, regardless of what your H may have done, you are still guilty of infidelity.

Do you think you're not if you paint him as being some kind of monster?

Sounds like you are unwilling to admit to yourself that you did significant damage to your own integrity. You're still playing the blame game.

You can't control your H. You can only control you. Engaging in activity that resulted in you falling in love with a man who was not your H is cheating...pure and simple.

Own up, win. Not for him, but for you. If you don'y you'll carry this demon with you into your future relationships.

Low

OUCH!!!

I take it you just found out about this?

I am SO sorry!

Infidelity is bad enough, but when coupled with a same-sex A, I cannot imagine that type of pain...

Best wishes...

WNB

winbin,

so sorry to hear of this, such a hard thing!

You have been here, trying to recover and do the right thing, all this time. I commend you for that.

I believe you posted full of shock and emotion, that you justified yourself and your EA because of that, coming to find out that you H was having PA's with other men, and will leave it at that.

Your H was here under false pretenses, which, in MVHO is unconcienable.(sp)

No condemnation here.

All I can say is I understand your shock and hurt over all over all this. What a mess!! I will leave it to the others that are wiser than myself to help you thru this, and I have nothing else to say besides (((((HUGS winbin)))))), and that you are in my prayers.

You are WORTHY. You admitted your wrong and have been on MB trying to do the right thing, KUDO's to you, I am so sorry to hear this news.

Take care, hang in there.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

let's take what was said, in general, at face value.

win bin had an EA of some sort. It doesn't sound like it was all that hidden really. It also sounds like bassistist used her 'getting revved up' on the internet to fuel their sex-life at home. Maybe I got that wrong.

bassistist had multiple same-sexed partners (PA... not just talk) and she never knew. Until know.

Assuming all this is true, how about this idea.

The fact that bassistist came here looking for support because of win bin's EA(which in my mind still has a somewhat loose definition) and come to find out he is the one having PAs(plural.... and with samesexed partners) is downright sick. Sick mentally. And not that I mean to offend homosexuals, but I find that sick as well. Maybe unappealing would be a better 'soft' word.

Anyway, she has a valid situation to be upset about. Horrible, actually, if it is true.

I think reminding her that she started it and is playing the blame game is probably another thread and sure seems to lessen the impact of what most might call scandelous.

She never put him at risk for STDs it seems. He did not return the favor. And he came crying here about her infidelity. All while he was engaging in high-risk behavior, professing his desire to 'work it out' If true.... THAT is disturbing to say the least.

Win Bin. I am truly sorry for your situation and though I recall reading your posts and thinking you were quite angry about being the WS(I lack a better definition right now)... I certainly hope you find SOME sort of peace from this. Please protect yourself and get tested. Make sure. Often.

I wish you well.

Win,

You are upset, angry, disgusted and that is OK.

I'm not going to hit you with the 2X4, just point out a couple things, take it for what it's worth.

Anger directed towards the folks here because they wanted to help is ill-placed and unproductive. Why? Win, you just found out yourself right? You had no clue this was a part of his life did you? Of course you didn't because you would have gleefully reported it immediately on this board. You know that to be true as I do.

Whether or not your H is or was doing what you claim, the truth of the matter is YOU HAD AN AFFAIR! You still cannot grasp this fact. It does not matter whether you "touched" anyone Win, you gave your heart away to someone other than your H. Quite frankly you've done nothing but try to justify YOUR actions since you started posting here.

Not healthy and not productive. Now your H has given you the ultimate justification huh? Now I guess you can go on and waltz through life feeling good about what you have done? Right?

Wrong.

It matters not that your H and you allowed this behavior of yours with OM, it was wrong and now you know why it is wrong. You get the double whammy of being a WS and a BS although the pain of being a BS isn't probably going to come until you escape the fog of your affair, of being a WS.

It's a terrible thing isn't it? To find out about betrayal like this isn't it Win?

I feel bad for both of you but more importantly I feel bad for your kids, they are the ones that truly get to suffer for their parents actions. Yes Win, your actions and your H's.

One more thing Win, I can judge, you can judge, to suggest that people should NOT judge is ludacris to say the least.

I can make judgements about your actions. They are and were repulsive to me.

I can make judgements about your H's actions (if true). THey are repulsive to me.

Notice I didn't say YOU are repulsive, or your H is repulsive...it is your actions that are and your weak justifications.

That is the thing we try to change here, actions and responses, saving marriages, but more importantly saving ourselves, growing and learning, becoming better people, better humans.

Not all marriages can be saved Win, we all know that. Not all marriages SHOULD be saved Win but to bring the hammer down on the folks here that were operating with the SAME set of facts you were operating from is rediculous.

That being said I am still rooting for both of you, not your marriage but for you both as individuals. I think you both can become better people, better partners, if not for each other at least for when you are ready to become one with someone else.

You aren't ready Win and your OM fantasy is just that....fantasy.

The both of you have allot of work ahead of you, individually, and we'll be here to help if you choose it Win.

It's up to you, don't expect your H to change but expect change in yourself Win.

Keep posting, don't run away. You are welcome to stick around and I hope you do.

Good Luck

RBM

Yes, you're kind of talk is really helpful. Thanks. I'm always the one to get blamed. Even from my H who treated me like [censored] for years because of his own sexual addictions. Yes I fell in love w/someone else and it was wrong. If I'd had a real man who would have wanted to work on my marriage when I tried, I wouldnt have found myself in an EA. I never said it wasn't wrong. The problem here is that people give advice and criticism when they cannot ever know the whole story. So keep your 2 x 4's to yourself and try helping people the way they truely need it.

Win,

Those weren't 2X4's Win, they were truth.

Boundaries Win, Honesty and integrity, neither of you are practicing any of them.

Here is a perfect example of your fogged up WS speak....

WIN:
"Yes I fell in love w/someone else and it was wrong. If I'd had a real man who would have wanted to work on my marriage when I tried, I wouldnt have found myself in an EA."

Poor Win, always getting blamed. The truth is you still refuse to take any responsibility for the situation you find yourself in. On one hand you say it is wrong but then right away disassociate yourself from ANY responsibility...it is Hubby's fault, he's not a "real" man.

Do you see that?

Forget about H right now Win, it's time for YOU to get better for your kids sake if nothing else.

Part of growing and healing is facing some awful truths, I was a BS and had my own demons to face, things I didn't like about myself, actions I wasn't too proud of either.

You don't want to hear about your faults? OK

You don't see that there may be things about Win that need to be fixed? OK

I know it is easier to blame others, I know it is easier to find somebody else is at fault for our predicaments. The truth is Win, we choose everyday what we are, who we are...who we become.

Is this the fine upstanding Win you always dreamed you'd be?

It's time to change the programming Win, time to re-write the software.

It's up to YOU what you become, it is up to you.

Take Bass out of the picture, replace him with anyman and ponder this...

Is being a cheating spouse something that is OK with you?
Is being cheated on OK with you?
Is having an affair something you would recommend your children do when/if they become unhappy in their marriages?

If you answer "NO" to those questions then there is work to be done Win. It's just that simple.

Get mad, get angry, place blame on others all you please but it will not help you.

It doesn't matter if Bass encouraged you to do it Win, None of the circumstances matter now.

What is important is for you to see the boundaries, how you both crossed them, hell how you both smashed them and steamrolled the whole marriage.

Don't take this as a mad BS beating you down Win, that just isn't the case. I really don't care if you are the BS or WS on this site. If somebody reaches out they deserve to hear the truth and get some support.

When you see that all of us can help if you choose it. If not then have a nice life Win.

Good Luck either way

RBM

You're still blaming him, wb. You can blame your H for a lot things, but you can't blame him for this.

I am a FWS, win. I tried the blame game. It doesn't work. You'll find this out.

Low

Win-

RebornMan is saying the exact same thing I've been trying to get across to you all along...

1. Accept responsibility for Win's actions...totally independent of Bass's actions.

2. No one says YOU are a bad person...or Bass. Simply that it appears to us that you've both made some bad choices.

3. Make the improvements that YOU can make...and deal with things from there.

The bottom line is that all of us here have simply tried to help, based on the information provided by both you and Bass. Be angry with me if you like, but realize that when this is all said and done, it's all up to the two of you to decide what to do from here...and it's up to you to live your life the best way that you can.