Win bin, I understand why you would think this is the right approach. Maybe it is for you. I don't know.

I do know, though, that your kids are going to be torn apart by this. Perhaps more than you have any way to know right now. I would really encourage you to take the time to get a controlled separation in place. In most states, it takes a while to do the divorce thing, and the first step is a formal separation. I guess I would suggest that you work out a formal separation with a mediator or (better yet) counselor. I know a couple of people who've worked out some impressive and entirely appropriate terms for when-and-how their spouses could move back in. You might want to think about doing that -- what your list of non-negotiable must-have items would be. I can guarantee you the list would be pretty long, and I would help you make it longer. But that's a really different kettle of fish than heading right into the realm of destroying the only family your kids have ever known.

Take some time to think about it. So far as I can tell, you just found out about the one-night stands. The first place to go is your doctor, not your lawyer.

Win,

I think you missed the point of my posts and perhaps others. If anything good is to come out of this especially if you file and leave the marriage it is what YOU learned from all of this. That was the point of focusing on your EA. If your H had posted he would have gotten an earful as well about LEARNING SOMETHING, but he is not.

You may not realize this but the people posting to you actually do care and hope that you end up happy, but even more we would like to see you happy AND have gained something from your time here and all of the pain involved in your marriage right now.

Just some thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks, I've learned a lot about staying away from men altogether.

-win

OK Win, I'll bite. So what prompted your last post? You and Bass have been on my mind, but since I'd not seen a post from either of you, I had figured ya'll had left MB.

Hi owl
I wasn't really going to come back, I'm just fighting some depression I guess. Seems my emotions are just overflowing these days, I have so much to deal with, its hard to keep my head straight.

Bass seems to be doing well, hes online chatting with women every night, and seems to have a girlfriend. I think he had mentioned marriage to her on the phone. I hope he can slow down and take time to work on himself. I know I need to process the last year and a 1/2 myself.

Stick around winbin...you can let it all out here

Yeah, I'm not so sure about that. But I would like to rather than start taking any types of medication. I'm just hanging on.

-win

Win-

So what's your plan for taking care of yourself? I'm assuming that the two of you are divorcing (based off the last info I knew on your situation) still. Are the two of you still living together? How are you both dealing with the kids? I'd still recommend that you continue whatever counseling you can to help yourself and you kids.

I do hope that things get better for the both of you. Sounds like a very rough situation for everyone involved.

Yes,
He is living in the den. I'm getting a loan to buy him out of the house so the kids can stay in one place the same. He's kinda fighting me on the financials, but we're trying to be civil to eachother. Its not easy when hes on the phone every night with women, and I heard, telling me he's going to a friends, when hes going out with these people.

He doesn't understand why I should have anger. We both have some, understandably. I'm just still trying to digest everything that I've been through, and its catching up with me now. I suppose I deserve it. At least part of it. But I need to keep my sanity and focus for my kids. I'm having to handle everything and hes doing nothing. My daughter wanted to stay with him sunday and he didn't want to take her cuz he had "plans". I finally convinced him, after she was crying to spend time with her.

Though I haven't talked to OM, the pain and withdrawl seems to have resurfaced due to all this stress. I'm really finding myself not wanting to be involved with any men, ever again. I'm sure it will change.

Win,

Keep posting and working on you for the kids...I'm sure you know now isn't the time for mucking things up by involving other people.

If bass is doing what you say...I don't doubt he is...you will have a perfect example of how NOT to get better, of how not to grow and learn.

I am sorry for you, your kids, and bass.

Stick around, vent, learn, hold your head up and lets get you moving in the right direction

{{{{{hugs win}}}}}}

Thanks,

I'm not sure, everytime I vent, all my mistakes are thrown in my face. I never said I was perfect, but I really feel depression sneaking up on me and yes, a LOT of that has to do with my OM. I'm not in contact with him. I think that all the stress of divorce, living with H while he dates, trying to keep my house, watch my kids for emotional needs, has just made me regress into a sort of withdrawal again. Maybe its easier to be in withdrawal than to deal with all of the anger I have for both H and OM. I don't know.

I know Bass is using these other women to hide his feelings of rejection and fear about being alone. But i really think he's doing himself a disservice by not trying to find out why he acted the way he did, how he can lie so easily, and how he can cope with his feelings of loss. He spends 1/2 his time on the phone with these women talking about ME! That would be a red flag to me that the guy isn't ready to move on. I know I'm sure not.

I know for me its been a lot to process and I'm going to need a lot of time to do that. I am in therapy, though we're just scratching the surface it seems. I have to focus on my kids #1 and get them through this. I'm so lucky to have family and friends by my side for support. Sometimes that isn't even enough. I really don't want to turn to anti-dep or any other self medication. So I guess that's why I came back here, even though 2x4's flow freely here, not sure I could take even one at the moment, already beaten down.

Thanks for being understanding.

-win

Win-

I might be taking this out of context, and I'm absolutely not trying to pick a fight or throw anything in your face. But I've got to ask this question...based on your posts, what is it EXACTLY that you want to happen in your situation now?

Do you want to divorce and move on, do you want to work on reconciling, what?

Again, no blame throwing here...I'm just curious what you're thinking at this point.

Oh yes, I've filed for divorce. There's nothing to reconcile. It's not possible.

All I can say is WOW!

It's a crappy hand to be dealt but you have one thing right...it's about you and the kids now. Let Bass 's troubles be his own...

and lord knows he is in the process of making more for himself.

Stay Strong Win...work on you, protect the kiddies.

Is he doing this in front of the kids? If so it's time for him to leave the homestead

Well, He is chatting online with these women in the den while the kids are awake, and talking on the phone with them. He certainly isn't bringing them near the house, or he wouldn't be living in it anymore. I have asked him not to chat so much while the kids are awake, and I am trying to do the same. Hopefully he will see that these few weeks he has left at home should be spent helping the kids adjust to what is about to happen.

-win

Can the two of you agree on 'rules' that apply to both of you? Like not chatting until after the kids go to bed? Or something like that?