Thanks to Twyla for her response on my posting of last week-I tried to reply back on that message but keep getting an
error message, so had to start a new post.

To give a quick update- my H has emotional/mental problems
(possibly Bi-Polar and/or sexual addict) and now appears
to be involved with someone, although I've not been able
to determine who it is, or what exactly is going on.

Due to his mental issues, we have gone through several
periods of moods where he is feeling very down and he decides that this must be my fault, or the fault of the marriage, rather than recognizing that it is a part of
his condition. (One of his therapists has told me this
is quite common).
Usually, this has "blown" over if I just back off and
leave him alone for awhile.

Within the last month or so, he has begun to say the same
thing plus "I need my space". Has become more secretive
about some of the things he's doing, seems to be looking
to find fault with me, our house, the marriage, etc.,
is secretive about some of the things he's doing and
finances, and seems especially connected and paranoid
about his cell phone.
This has made me feel that something is going on besides
his "normal" black mood. (he denies anything going on)
I am a pretty good "snoop" and regularly check his
briefcase, appointment book, receipts, wallet, vehicle,
etc. but haven't found anything conclusive.
I did last week finally get access to his cell phone account and see that there is a number frequently showing up in just the last month. I called it and a female
answered. Tried to track it through a "reverse number
search" but couldn't get any info, as it is a cell phone.
He does, in his business, call a lot of realtors, bankers,
and other businesses so I don't know if this could be legit
so I am hesitant to call and try to do an "expose" without
knowing more.
Found on his bill that he also had over 80 text messages
(usually has 8-9 per month), so he is definitely talking
to someone.
Further complicating my figuring this out, is that he
is generally home for dinner and the evening on each
weeknight, and spends the majority of the weekend with
me. This makes me wonder if he has something going on
with either a married person who is not often available,
or if maybe they are not local ?

Just this weekend, he started talking about finishing
up some projects around our house (things he's been
in no rush to do) and about getting "out of this dump".
(Actually, we have a very nice house). This makes me
feel like he is thinking/planning on us fixing up the
house to sell.
He also pulled out seperation paperwork we had gotten
four years ago when we were having problems and he had
an EA. The paperwork had been stuck away in a file
cabinet and he took it out Saturday. I noticed it
and asked why he had taken it, to which he said "he
just wanted to look at it". (????)

If he does have something going on, it appears that
it has just been very recent. Can't believe he'd
be planning to sell our house, maybe filing seperation
paperwork over someone he's maybe only known for such
a short time ! I feel such hurt and disbelief that
he would care so little about our marriage (7 yrs),
and that seperating and/or selling our house would cause
me to lose my house, car, etc. (he makes far
more income than I do).

He is supposed to be making arrangements to start seeing
a new therapist this week, so I've asked him to please
consider taking it slow, getting into his therapy and
waiting until he is possibly thinking more clearly to
make any rash decisions, but I have no idea what he
may do, and guess I really can't control it either.
Does this all just sound like he's in a heavy FOG ?

What makes it so confusing is that part of the weekend
was fun, pleasant and seemed "normal". We ran errands,
went out to eat, watched a movie, and spent most of
the weekend together. We still sleep in the same bed,
(although no SF for a long time) and I still say "I
love you".
Trying to figure out what's going on and understanding
it all have made me feel like I'm a crazy person.
I am trying hard to do a "Plan A", but am having trouble
as I'm so physically/mentally exhausted from it all
and am having a lot of anger, hurt, resentment
that make it hard to keep my mouth shut !!

Any ideas, thought, suggestions appreciated !
Anne

Any possibility you could talk to any of his past counselors for some insight?

Also..and I have no idea how to phrase this delicately..but with all his problems have you had to resume the "mother" role more than wife role?

And last but not least you have GOT to do something for yourself..something to help you relax and get away from some of the chaos he seems to create. Exercise, manicure, pedicure..long walks..what ever YOU enjoy that helps you relax.
T

Funny that you mentioned taking on the "mother" role,
as I went to IC yesterday and this is something that
my C mentioned !

My H is the youngest child and was very babied by
his Mom who took care of everything/everyone.(still does)
My C thought that H might have grown to resent this
and decided that he wants to be the "rescuer", which
would explain his apparent attraction to women who
need his "help". (One internet flirtation was with a
girl who was twice divorced, had drug problems, and
needed money, and a EA several years ago was with a
recently widowed woman who had trouble with her kids).
She also thought he, while probably being attracted
to me being a strong, independent person, may be
uncomfortable with that (since it's not what he's used
to) and that our relationship has worked itself into
a mode where I am the "rescuer" and have become the
"Mom". Any ideas on how to get out of this role ?

She also thought it sounded like his weird recent
behavior was more likely part of his "Obsessive-
Compulsive" disorder that Bi-Polar, and that he
also has some addictions and self esteem issues
fueling him. What a mess !
He is supposed to be setting up counseling with a
psychologist for himself, and told me he was also
going to call our Dr to see about getting different
medicines, and I am trying not to "bug" , but want
to keep on subtle pressure so he will get it done.

As far as my feeling that he has something going on
with someone now, I did find one phone number on the
cell bill that he had repeatedly called last month
and also saw this phone number in his phone, listed
with a girl's name. Was a little leery to call, and
"expose" without knowing a lot of details, but I
did get up the nerve to call yesterday and told this
girl who I was, and that I had found a lot of
correspondence going on between my H and her.
Said I suspected he had hooked up with her on some
type of website or chatroom, and that he had un-
doubtedly not given her the true picture.
She seemed suprised, said he had told her he was not
married, had no kids, had a successful business and
was wealthy (all untrue), and that she had felt it
was "too good to be true". Sounded like it had
not gone very far (maybe only phone/email/text msgs)
but she said if he called again she wanted nothing to
do with him since he lied. (hopefully she was honest)
I was a nervous of what his reaction would be when he
got home last night, but he either didn't know anything about it, or covered really well- nothing was said.
It's also possible that there could be someone else,
but I've not been able to uncover anything so far.

My IC said that we could work on my learning to
"detach", and realize that I am not responsible for
H or his actions, which, of course, is easier said
than done ! She also wants us to work on some stress
solutions, knowing how emotionally and mentally
exhausting living with this person has been.
I go back next week ~

H had told me earlier this week that he was going out
of town this weekend "on business" which I assumed
was a cover for getting together with someone.
If it was supposed to be the girl I called, perhaps
these plans will change ! I didn't want to ask
anymore about it, as I'll just get stressed out.
Guess all I can do is try to think of some things
I can do, and try to make some plans for myself.

Still trying to do Plan A-
Anne

Used to really look forward to weekends, but
now I really dread them. My stomach starts
to get in a knot by mid-week, because I'd like
H to make plans with me, but he won't.
When he goes out, I'm wondering if he's with OW,
and whether or not he'll drink and drive, and
I can't do anything while he's gone, as I feel
sick and paralyzed with anxiety.
How do I not care what he's doing ?

A couple days ago H told me he was asked to go
out of town "with a friend" for business purposes.
This is a friend I've not heard him mention for
months, and I believe is an excuse to be with OW.
(If you'd read my previous posts, I'm not sure
if there's one OW, or if it's just another little
"flirtation" going on with someone on the internet
chat rooms and web sites.)
I exposed him to one girl yesterday who's number was
repeatedly on last month's cell bill, but then found
another number he's frequently called more recently,
so wondered if he'd already moved on to another person.
He is supposed to be starting IC for his depression,
obsessive-compulsive disorder, etc. but don't know
if I can wait long enough for him to see if therapy
will help all his issues (there are a lot).

I am in IC but there's not much that therapy can do
for me, expect encourage me to "detach".
It certainly can't make me feel good about putting up
with so much for 10 years and getting no where,
and it can't make me feel good about losing my spouse,
(used to be) best friend (H), home or car (won't be
able to afford) if we D.
Sorry to sound so down- I'm just so tired and now
have a long, hot, empty weekend to look forward to.
Anne

Well, Anne..I won't kid you..that really sux. (Not sure if I can use that word here..guess I'll find out)

OK..well, sometimes the best thing you can do is to play the hand you're dealt and hope there's a better card next round.

While Lug (pet name for my partner) didn't have a disorder that would be tagged by a psych, he was "foggy" and prone to do extremely STOOOOPID things....like telling me he was at the hospital and me seeing his car at her house all weekend...so..I've spent some nasty weekends by myself also.

He can either come home to a sullen suspicious wife..OR..he could come home to a happy woman bubbling over with all the FUN she had the past couple days.

I remember brousing through bookstores ( of course when I mentioned it to him..yeah I made it sound MUCH more exciting than it was) going to the beach, dinner with friends...always made sure I did something I could at least PRETEND to be happy and excited about.

I also did things that..if need be..would make my life better without him. You can take classes, reorganize stuff, make a few new friends..the point is it's for YOU..your comfort.

Detaching is an art..sometimes all it means is NOT reacting at all...let it all blow right over you. Try it on little stuff first.

Again..a lot of what you will need to do will be stuff for YOU. It sounds like he has some pretty critical issues that will need to be addressed before any sort of marriage building can be attempted.

I'll be in and out the next week, but will check in on you.
Hang in there hon.
T

Thanks,Twyla. You are a very calming influence.

Had a long, hot day (we are having a streak of
unusually hot weather) and came home to find
that the fish I am "petsitting" for friends
had died, apparently from the heat.
With all my stress and situation with H, it was
just too much, so I sat down and bawled.

H got home later (goes to the gym every day lately)
and reiterated that he would be going out of
town this weekend on "business" with a friend/
business acquaintance. I said "why don't you
just be honest and say you are going out of
town with "Brandy", or whoever it is".
Regretted that this was a LB, but also had not
intended to let him know that I had tracked
his cell phone calls and found recent frequent
calls to a phone answering to this name !
Apparently this may have hit on his current
"infatuation" as he ranted and raved, was mad,
said "we are through", etc. Said I was making
a fool of him and myself by calling his
"business contacts" (yeah, right).
Thought about it later and hoped my spilling
the beans might have ended up being a good
thing, as him thinking I had called the girl
might make him drop corresponding with her,
but I have no way to know what he will do
in his FOG logic.

He didn't act mad today, but is still going
out of town, so don't know if he is still
going with some OW, really is going with
a friend, or might even just go somewhere
by himself. I didn't comment about it today,
even though it is very hurtful to me and
I dread the whole weekend by myself.
(He's leaving tonight, and will be back Sun.)

I am trying to make a few plans, and will
do my best to entertain myself. May take
all my acting skills, but I'll try to be
a bubbly,happy "detatched" person when he
gets back.
Anne

LOL..Bubbly> Honey, settle for happy and content.

Hope your weekend wasn't too stressful.

When I was working on "detachment" I would often picture myself as a reporter..you know, looking good for the camera, not showing much emotion, not REACTING to the idiotic things he would say.

And, they always go a little nuts when you stumble on evidence. And then it becomes about YOU! Why YOU shouldn't snoop, why YOU don't trust them, why YOU are so wrong. At first I would get really defensive....I learned to finally say..."Yeah you're right..I shouldn't, but I did so let's get back to the subject at hand..why are you still in contact with XXX? If delivered with a calm demeanor, it sort of puts the onus back on the WS.

T

You are right, T, "bubbly" was a bit too high of a goal,
but I did at least try to keep myself busy, didn't call
him any, and acted like I was very busy cooking when he
got home last night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

He called late afternoon Friday to say he was getting
ready to leave, and wanted to "touch base".
I tried not to get upset, and just said I wished he
wasn't going and hoped sometime he'd again think that
"we" were important.

I did a lot of housework, laundry, ran errands, went
shopping, watched a movie, did my nails, went out to
eat and tried to stay upbeat, but ya know that's really
tough when you're left at home and they're out doing ???
I felt very sad, and lonely, especially at night, but
did not call him (and he didn't call me either).

He came home early evening yesterday looking very tired.
Snooped, but I didn't find any clues as to whether he
really did what he said he was (business) or was with
some OW. Found only a receipt for cash withdrawal
(local) on the day he left, and gas at a town which
was on the route he said he was taking (or jillions
of other places). He probably had stopped at his
office before coming home, so could have "unloaded"
anything else.
His clothes weren't smoky, alcohol smelling or
perfumey, but don't know that that means anything,
either way !

H unpacked, then asked if I wanted to watch a movie.
Later asked if I'd like to go get ice cream, (we did)
then just got around for bed.

Ask this morning if he was planning to make some more
calls and get set up for therapy and/or the Dr in
regards to his medicine and he got a little mad, said
he's do it on his own time. I asked if he'd like to
get dinner and run to a store tonight, but as he
took his gym bag, I'm sure he will be going to the
gym after work and won't have time.
He didn't wear his wedding ring today, made me feel
bad. (he says it's too tight since it's been hot)

It's frustrating not being able to find out more,
like if there's one OW, or if he's corresponding
with a string of OW on the internet. Unfortunately
my snoopy efforts are somewhat limited, as he uses
the computer at work (so I have no access to it)
and he keeps his cell phone off while at home,
just checking it periodically. (so I can't check
history or phone book). My only info has come
from the cell phone bill online, but the next
bill won't be posted for a few weeks yet.
Otherwise, I check his wallet and briefcase
and see if his clothes are perfumey, smokey, etc.-
pretty pathetic thing to need to do !!

I have been trying hard not to react to the dumb
things he says and obvious B.S., like your idea of
being a "reporter". Guess there's not much more
that I can do except try to keep up the Plan A and
not try to push him to talk now (just gets defensive,
clams up, gets mad, so no point to it).
So hard waiting while things run the course- !!
Anne

Hi S!

At least alot of us can relate big time to what you're going thru. I am in pretty much the same position as you are, not having any concrete evidence. It really s----, huh? Seems also like just when you think things might be turning around, either something else happens or you have another piece of "half evidence" that could or couldn't be uncovering the suspected A. Can't tell you how many times I have had a phone # that turned out to be innocent or an email address. (that one actually belonged to my sister in another state but they have the same first name and same last initial - just by the Grace of God I did not confront him with it - actually found out from her it was hers) I have really felt foolish because I am not used to having to be so sneaky and snoopy but have learned I have to.

Can't sleep tonight as I found out thru a mutual friend that even though he has quit the league they were in together,for the sake of "our marriage" as we've had numerous confrontations about this, she is now on the agenda to be approved for another community organization that DH also belongs to!!!!!!!!!!! Of course he didn't offer that info to me but he has to know that eventually I would find out. Of course it would be the same ol, "You are Paranoid about nothing" in his defense of himself. And-------- a mutual friend of ours that is also a very good friend of suspected OW has heard that I have suspicians, soooooooo, she approached me at church on Sunday and told me "We need to talk" I'll call you and we'll go out to lunch next week. Have to think thru very carefully even if I want to go (maybe put her off) as YOU KNOW AS SURE AS I AM SITTING HERE THAT EVERYTHING WILL GET BACK TO SUSPECTED OW. And not having anything concrete, but after so many confrontations w WH I have to be very careful and be a good little actress in order to find anything out. Am sure the way she asked me that she wants to ASSURE ME that nothing is going on between them. Any advice about this?

Meanwhile I can sure relate to what you are also going thru. And no you are not crazy! And yes it is hard but please try as hard as you can to take care of YOU! It is a tough job but not worth getting sick over! I know, easier said than done! And yes the waiting is hell!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Love and Blessings,
Tarehurts

Thanks Tarehurts,
I feel for you and your situation too and can certainly
relate. Feeling that things aren't right is very
uncomfortable, and is just exhausting as well.
I too have found a suspicious phone number, or made
some other discovery that I thought was real evidence
of something, only to find out it was a legitimate
business contact, or not anything solid at all, so
don't feel like I can always trust my "gut".

I am currently unsure if H has something going on with
one particular person, or if he is "playing the field"
with a string of OW he is finding via the internet.
(and don't know if just emailing/talking/txt or might
actually be getting together with anyone).
I also feel suspicious due to his lack of attention
to home/"us", lack of interest in SF, and very
typical "fog" talk he is using. Very frustrating
to not be able to track it down to figure out who
it might be so I can expose, and won't have much of
a chance until this month's cell phone bill is available
online and I can see who he has been calling.

Another complication to my situation is that H has
emotional/mental issues that contribute to the
problem. He is on medication and is planning to
get back into IC but hasn't done that yet and is
not responsive to my encouraging him to hurry it up !

I have been trying to Plan A, but it's hard when I
don't know exactly what I'm dealing with. I am
doing IC myself, trying to learn how to detatch
more, not rely on him for most of my companionship,
deal with stress, etc. but it's hard.

In the situation where your "friend" has asked to talk
to you, I'd be cautious too, but anxious to know what
she has to say. I'd definitely not say too much, not
let her know why you suspect, what things you might
be doing to try to find out, etc. or anything that
could be used by the suspected OW in case something
really is going on.

Thanks for the support, and keep me posted,
Anne (Slammed1)

Hi Anne,
Have you considered getting a "keylogg" on your computer? At one point I was considering the same thing but my H
doesn't seem to be on it that much so I think it might be a dead end for me. Or is your H's computer contacts possibly at his place of work? Another thing I considered is hiring a PI but they are pretty expensive and at this point the money is not there for that for me. Have you confided your concerns with a family member or close friends? Sometimes you can get some very valuable feedback from people that know him fairly well. Your situation is a little harder actually than mine as your H is actually at an office and out of town on business from time to time and we are here in our business 24/7.

I have had some of the same problems as you have also in regard to internet sites. This was a few years back when I was working part time outside of our business, but I myself was in a "fog" with practical responsibilites so inspite my total disapprovement and some confrontations, I was too caught up in day to day dealings and "life goes on" type of attitude.

My H is also on Meds for a seizure problem that crops up once in about 10 yrs or so but has emotional issues as well, but Dr. says the meds he is on nor his condition should not be causing attention span problems or memory problems or the "fog" he tends to be in. Of course H says that Dr. does not know what he is talking about and he thinks that is what is going on. He has been distracted a great deal and taking not as much interest in this business. He has been pretty attentive to me however, since things really blew up and I left to stay with a relative and family for a month. Won't go into full detail with that one as it would take forever, but it was UGLY! I'm afraid I blew it with the exposure for awhile as he is extremely defensive at even the subject matter. He wants to start fresh and let bygones be bygones. It is a no brainer, however, that he has tons to loose if we D as half of this business is mine, and he is NOT A STUPID MAN!

I am also waiting for this months cell bill online but did you realize that they can go out and get a so called "disposable cell" and just pay for so many minutes that there is no bill involved? Have been looking for one around here with no luck yet.

From what I have learned from a dear friend of 25 yrs who has been thru this herself they will go to almost any extreme. And if they think you are on to them in any way, especially! And I have had a close relative tell me (who has been thru this) that they will take this lie to the grave before admitting that anything has ever gone on!

I am praying for you and for ALL of us going thru this h---
and yes I am trying to work Plan A myself sometimes good and sometimes very difficult! This much I know, this thing sometimes "consumes" you! Have never experienced this in my total married life (15 yrs) but yes now I am "consumed"!

Love and Blessings,
Tarehurts

You are definitely right, Tarehurts, about it
becoming very "consuming". At times I just
have to "shut it off" or I'd probably go nuts !
My IC explained that part of the exhaustion of
it all is trying to figure it out and understand
it from a logical point of view, when it is not
logical !

I would love to try a keylogger, but H uses computer
at his own office, so I have no access to it.
Have thought of a PI as well, but am in the same
situation, as far as it being too expensive right now.
I have just been my own "PI", checking his clothes,
briefcase, wallet, vehicle, datebook, etc !
I have heard of the "disposable" cells although I
don't know much about them. So far, I don't think
H has thought of that. Sometimes he is not very
good about hiding things, so don't know if he just
thinks he is "above" being discovered or thinks I
am dumb !

H is so back and forth that I feel certain he is
having issues with his medicine and/or mental issues
as well as some of the "fog".
He has previously been diagnosed with "Obsessive-
Compulsive" disorder, and my IC feels that his
recent behavior is related to that, plus he may
have issues with sexual addiction and alcohol.
He has recently expressed the desire to get back
into therapy and I got the approval and list of
authorized providers from our insurance, but it
is his task to be making calls and getting it set up
and he hasn't done that yet.
I am trying to encourage him to do it, but that
is sometimes viewed as "bugging" him, so I have
to be pretty low key.

I pray for all of us too, and am trying my best
to work on "me". Keep me posted-
Anne

My H is going "in and out " of the fog, like clouds
on a stormy day lately- seems to have moments where
he is really "him" and others where he is the closed
off, defensive, and dishonest "alien".
The "off and on" is so confusing !! My H gets
mad easily, rants and raves, blames things on me,
and may say "we are through" but a short time later
may say "want to go get something to eat ?"

Last night he came home earlier than usual, so we
ran errands, then went out for a nice dinner. Didn't
talk to much, but were pleasant, even playful at times,
but he still says "doesn't want to work on things" or
"doesnt want to be married'.

If he's really so unhappy and it's "all the fault of
me or of being married",why does he just stay,keeping
everything like it is ?

Still no definitive evidence on a particular OW, but
found a cash withdrawal from H's business account
for $300 two nights ago ! I've seen withdrawals for
this same amount periodically over the past few
months and I have begun to wonder if this is for
something like an escort service or "hooker" ?
I didn't ask him about it since it would give
away the fact that I was snooping in his briefcase,
plus I know he would have some kind of story about
it, true or not ! (He said he was meeting with
a business associate regarding a project they are
working on, was gone about 3 hrs).

I had a session with my IC yesterday, and although
I do like her and find it helpful, I feel like she
is leaning towards this being a hopeless situation
and me getting out to "save myself". I do feel like
this too at times- like his emotional/mental issues
may just be too much to help (depression, obsessive-
compulsive disorder, some form of alcohol problem
and possible sexual addiction) and that things will
never get better, but guess I was hoping that she
would give me some hope it could improve and get
better. I do realize not much MB can be done until
he gets his own issues under control, and don't
know if that will ever happen. I just want him
to be back like he was years ago, and don't know
if that could possibly happen either.
All the IC can do for me is encourage me to try to
"detach", work on me, do things I enjoy, try to
get on with my life, and give me ideas for stress
relief.

I'm sure everyone else can also relate to playing
this waiting game, and hating it ! I like the
moments where we are closer and seem to be getting
along, but know that they don't seem to mean much
and probably won't last.
My only real hope is that he will get in to therapy
soon. A couple of weeks ago, he asked me to find
out the particulars with our insurance so he could
set something up, and I did that and gave him the
list of providers within just a couple of days.
It's been two weeks now, and he hasn't set anything
up. I have tried to gently remind him, but he gets
mad and apparently either has lost interest in it
or is going to take his own "sweet time".
I know that until he takes this step, there's probably
little chance of anthing changing or improving,
so I guess I'm just waiting, hoping, praying, and
for lack of anything else to do, Plan A.

Tarehurts- any new developments ? Did you ever talk
to the "friend" who was anxious to meet with you ?

Twyla- how's your week ?

Anyone else with thoughts, suggestions, ways they are
coping ?
Anne (Slammed1)

Hi A,
I hate to sound so negative about this whole thing we are in but to me it is terrible! For one thing, this sneaking around myself to find what I can is soooo unlike me and soooo unhealthy. I think it is for all of us but if you can't get at the truth any other way so be it. I get so nervous that he will catch me snooping. Looked on my cell bill this month, there was only one call to suspected OW but it was during the time I was gone and they were on the phone for 14 minutes. I guess what bothers me the most is that he has given up his league to help our marriage (which she is in) but I have heard that suspected OW is more than likely to join another organization that my H belongs to.
.....and the agony goes on. Why would she join this organization when she knows that I am very suspicious? He told me that she has offered to talk to me for reassurance.

I am in the same position as you are as if I confront him with anything there will be a logical reason for phone calls and that he has no control with her joining his organization. Besides that he gets terribly defensive and I am afraid the same senario would play out as the night before I left. He actually was the one who wanted me out, saying "where there is no trust there is no marriage". I am really in a corner, as I cannot claim that there is no trust due to a previous affair with her because he vehemently denies it. He has called me a phsyco paranoid jealous b----.

No the friend has not called yet to ask me to go to lunch, but he (as he is the president of this organization) and most of the other members did dismiss another member who had told a few other people that their spouses needed to be watched. They gave the reason of "conduct unbecoming of a member". Personally I think he and a few other men saw her as a threat to confidentiality.

Blessings!

Hi Tarehurts,
I hate the sneaking around too- it makes me feel like
I am sinking to the level of the WH ! But, it's also
the only way to find out anything when you are getting
no answers and no honesty ! I too, get nervous about
being caught, so try to be really careful. I'd love
to get into H's office, as I'm sure he has a whole
"stash" of things there, but as I'd probably be busted
for "breaking and entering" I don't think I better
try that !
Yesterday morning started out bad (see more details
on a new thread I started yesterday called "Should
I just give up ?") as I found out H went to the
courthouse downtown and apparently got a new set of
seperation/divorce paperwork. He already had a set
we got 4 years ago when having problems (it had been
stuck away in the bottom of a filing cabinet since
then) so don't know why he got new copies, unless
the paperwork was out of date, etc.
This makes me scared that I'll just come home one day
and he'll have it filled out, or even worse, that he'll
have it "served" on me, out of the blue.
There is a mandatory waiting period, and I know that
it wouldn't necessarily mean things couldn't change,
but what a horrible thought and devestating blow it
would be.
H is also trying to finalize the purchase of a house.
He has been trying for several years to purchase one
as an investment, which we would fix up and sell, or
if really nice, might possibly want to keep for ourselves.
He has put offers on a couple of different ones in the
past but they haven't worked out. Found out last month
that he put a contract on another one recently, and
this offer was accepted. He has shown me the house
but never told me about the offer and acceptance.
I know from seeing the paperwork that he was having a
hard time getting a loan for it, and my hope was that
it wouldn't work out and would "kill" the deal, but
I don't know. The expected closing date is only a
couple of weeks away. Maybe he's planning to close
on the house, move out, and give me the paperwork all
in one... don't know, and I'm scared ! Guess that
would be an instant move to Plan B-

Tried to calm down all day yesterday, and decided
I can only do the best I can, work on myself, and
pray lots ! I know that my work is suffering from
all my stress, and I'm sure my health is too.
I need to do better with water, exercise, vitamins,
eating, sleep, and stress relief !
I opened my own bank account yesterday, and although
I didn't have too much to put in it, it was a good
feeling to be something just for me. Decided I will
continue to put the bulk of my pay in the "pot" for
our mutual bills/expenses, but when I make some
extra from overtime or commission, it will go in my
account. If things work out, it can just be a nice
little vacation fun, and if not, it can help me with
basics.

H called after work last night to ask if I wanted to
meet him for dinner after he finished at the gym.
I went, but felt nervous (pretty bad to have to be
nervous with your own spouse) but I tried very hard
and stuck to the Plan A really well. Didn't mention
anything more future than "tomorrow", nothing about
us, the paperwork, that house, any suspicions, his
getting a Dr appt, etc. We got along and were
pleasant, even a little playful rest of the evening.
I am working this morning, and assume he is probably
doing yardwork, etc. at home while I'm gone. We
didn't make any plans for the rest of the day/weekend,
so will see if he sticks around and wants to do
anything or goes on his own to do something.
It's hard to do things and kinda act "normal" knowing
that he has all kinds of secrets and may be plotting
to be with someone else, move out, file paperwork, etc.
but I hope to stick with Plan A in case there is any
chance to change his mind and heart.

Our new cell phone bill is not yet available, but it
does appear that the text messaging has declined
substantially from last month. Seeing one call to
your suspected OW doesn't sound too bad, but I would
wonder about it too- with the timing while you were
gone and length of the call. That the suspected OW
is "offering" to talk to you to give reassurance is
a little strange- why is H talking to her about you
or letting her know you having suspicions ? Have
you made your concerns known to her directly ?

Hang in there !
Anne