Hi...I've been married almost 9 years and my husband told me about 6 weeks ago that he has been having and EMA for about the past year. He says he wants to work things out but his actions say diferently. He still says that he has feelings for the OW. He told me that he tried calling her a few weeks ago(when I asked him) but he never got through. I wrote him a letter letting him know what my expectations are: christian counselor, accountability partner, get tested...within the next 2 weeks otherwise either separation. He went and got tested today. I was suprised. He hasn't taken the initiative to show me that he wants to save our marriage. I told him that I will not compete with the OW for his love and attention. He says he understands but how can he still have such strong feelings for her if he "hasn't" had any contact with her? I've been patient and observing his behavior. He seems to want to share the blame for his affair with me. I'm not buying into it. It was his choice. I told him I know that I'm not perfect and definitely have areas where I was lacking in our marriage but I'm willing to change. It just seems like he's almost waiting for me to make the decision for him. He just gives double talk and his actions don't always match up with his words. Is that typical behavior? I've been reading every book I can get my hands on but I'm still confused.

Need help please.

I'm hurting .....and am broken

Grace,
I think him being tested is a good sigh. After more info about my H A came out i asked him to be tested. He went and i guess it is'nt fun.I even had him go back to get blood work for HIV.He did want to go somewhere were people did'nt know but went to his clinic anyway.
My H blames his A on himself. I know we had lack of communication but i feel under no reason someone has the right to hurt someone this way.WE both loved eachother but kept it to ourselves because we were afraid of rejection.See what we could of lost due to his A.
MY heart was torn apart and at first i was told it was only a kiss. It took five month to get it all out.
We are working very hard and our M is better than ever.
With your H being tested i think is proof he wants to work things out. You just have to work with him.To tell you the truth i read books to i don't think they help much. Its our actions i think that makes our M work now.I know right now i can't be much help i'm only 7 months into this but from the begining my H wanted nothing to do with this OW.He just wanted to work on us.Talk to your H let him know you are doing everything to make this work. Tell him you can't do it alone.I wish i could be of more help.
#1mom

You state that you have read every book. How about these?

1. Dr. Willard Harley's: His Needs Her Needs
2. " : Surviving an Affair
3. Dr. James Dobson's: Love Must Be Tough
4. Shirley Glass: Not Just Friends

You may want to read Surviving an Affair together. He will need to understand that he needs to have no contact with his affair partner for the rest of his life. He feels addicted to this other woman (OW) and it will take at least 3 weeks of no contact (NC) in order to withdraw emotionally from her. Everytime they have contact will bring them back to day one of withdrawal/NC.

If you haven't already done so, read all this concepts and articles on this website. At this point focus on plan A. You will also want to examine what your contribution was to the pre-A state of your marriage so that you can work on you.

Welcome to MB. You can learn a lot be reading and posting on this site.

Thanks....I guess it would be a little easier if my H didn't want anything to do with the OW. He still says he has feelings for her and jus found out last night that he tried calling her but there was no answer. I think he might be just as confused. Our marriage wasn't perfect but we weren't fighting and we loved each other....I just felt so blindsided when I found out.

grace

The BS(betrayed spouse)s around here can help you with that perspective.

I am a FWS(former wayward spouse). You husband will experience a withdrawl period from the OW(other woman). The sooner he addresses this with a cognitive decision to either stay or go, the better off you both will be. He can't play both sides. If he does want to work out the marriage, he will need to take the responsibility for what he has done(which will suck for him, but he will have to do it) In my sig is a link to a toolkit I put together. He could read it. My stuff is still somewaht of a work in progress but based on the ideas at this site. That said, there are links to other resources for the WS that I did not write and they are very wise and helpful to the WS. People that have been there and done that and are way wiser than I wrote those. He could benefit from them.. And so could you if he reads them and they compel him to stop riding the fence.

I am sorry for your pain. To recover from this it will take you both and my post addresses(or tries to) what he might need/could do.

As I said, other Bss will probably post to you and they will be invaluable. One thing you could read while you wait is WATs guide in the Just Found Out Forum. That is specifically for you. I hope you find the strength to make it through this terrible time.

welcome to MB. Sorry that you have a reason to be here, but there are many compassionate people here that have been on both sides of an A(affair) You can surely gain some perspective here. I wish you luck and may God watch over you.

Thank you for sharing with me. I will definitely check those site out. I have read so far: Torn Asunder, His Needs Her Needs, Surviving and Affair, Healing the Hurt in your Marriage, Your Husbands Secret Wars....stil working on some. I'm interested in anything that might help. It is by the grace of God that I'm still functioning.

Grace

grace, is the OW married? Does she live with her parents?

Grace,
My H told me he never stopped loving me he just forgot for a while.With us my H worked full time and had school full time. This OW was a co-worker who filled him up with lies about her M. She also talked highly of him. Also kept telling him she wanted to have sex, and not to worry she wound'nt tell.Well his stupid A** fell for it some how.Now its the biggest mistake of his life.He only hopes one day i could forgive him. He got in over his head.
Do you know this OW how does he? Just give him lots of TLC.
Don't blame yourself. I was blindsided to.
#1mom

She was an ex- co worker of his. She's married with 2 kids and has been over to my house with her family. MY H has changed jobs and now works an hour away (which I'm very grateful for) She had her sights set on him and filled his head up with lies. She told him that she's in love with him and I think he thinks he is in love with her too. He's fallen for the lies. I've told him that if she loved you so much then she wouldn't have jeopordized his marriage and family. It would drive me CRAZY when he would kindof stick up for her when I would tell him what she really is. He doesn't do that to much anymore. He'll just tell what he feels about her if I ask.

Grace

The OW is married and i think her mother lives with her family.

Grace,
My H to left his job and went back to one he hated.I think your right if she cared for him she would'nt push him.this Ow lied and told my H her M was over that her H cheated on her and that he beat her.My H never stuck up for her. felt bad.Then he realized she lied now he hates her. I got luckie this was an A that lasted only a little over two months he never gained feelings for her.Which to me a don't know how you can sleep with someone and not love them. I guess some people can.My H said he was twisted he was evil.
See i found out on X-mas a few days before i found a reciept for a five dollar bear i did'nt get it on x-mas so ai asked. He said oh it must be in the car. I just started to cry i knew. I went out on th couch and cryed. Later he came out and held me. I know now that was'nt the reaction he thought he would get. He thought i would say see you later. It really hurt him knowing i did love him and he was wrong to think i did'nt..I think there are people out there that don't want to be in there M so they try to bring one down with theres.My H is a good person i think he got caught up with the wrong people and a job were there is inapropreite behavior.My H has changed mabe yours will too
#1mom

I came home from taking my daughter to a taping of our church's childrens show. He was mowing the lawn and then stopped and said that we need to talk. I thought it waws something with his new job because he had been REALLY stressed and he had only been there for 3 days. When we got upstairs he asked me how I thought our relationship was. I told him that we've definitely had our ups and downs(like any marriage) but I thought we were stable. Then he started crying and I knew. Last Oct. he had confessed to me that him and the OW had been IM each other at work and he knew it was going in the wrong direction and he wanted to stop. He seemed really repentant and stupid me forgave him and then their relationship got deeper. He never broke it off. Then he told me a week before our daughters seventh birthday. My husband is a good man.....and I'm shocked that he fell had an affair and I know that he is too. He has always been very selfish and talks of changing but it is usually me that does the bending. When we were dating and the first years of marriage I was at an all time low and made a lot of mistakes. I didn't have a affair but it could've led that way....it was stupid. we had fist got our computer and I started chatting to my family and then other people joined in and I started talking to other guys. Nothing serious but enough to hurt my H badly. Well that was rock bottom for me I was totally ashamed and I repented and God changed me completely. It seems that even before the comp thing he was always one up on me or treated me like he was over me and that I was the screw up and he was the perfect one. He says that he forgave me but the when he confessed of his affair one of the first things he throw ing my face was the computer thing that happened over 6 years ago. I have given him no other thing since then not to trust me. It was almost like he had an ace up his sleeve to pull out to put the blame of his affair on me. Like he's mainipulating me because he has a hard time facing himself now. I really don't think he even realizes it though. I serve the God of miracles and that is what I'm praying for now.
Thanks for listening.
Grace

Have you read the threads on exposing the affair?

That is your first step. Do not threaten, just simply get in touch with OW's husband and tell him what is going on.

There are many reasons for doing this -- it puts a splash of reality on their affair, OW's husband will be your ally in keeping them apart, its only fair that he knows also.

Read the Exposure 101 thread!

The OW husband already knows. Her husband was leaving it up to her if she wants to stay or go.

How do you know he knows?

Yes, expose your rump off. I wish I had done more of it! I told a few people, but at the time, I didn't know what I was doing was exposure.

What do you mean by expose? Expose him? OR me?

I think Viv means expose the affair.

Again, how do you know he knows?

I guess I don't know for a fact. How do you get into a thread to read it?

grace,
How you doing today? I think everyone is telling you to tell as mant people as you can about his A. I myself did not do this.I don't think it does nothing but hurt you both in the end. If your M does look like it will work out,why do that to him.Yes he was wrong. Did he admitt it?Does he want to work on the M?Do you really want people to know?
I will admitt i wish our close friends knew. This way i had someone to talk too who knew us both. Someone to tell me what i already know. That is that my H made a bad choice and that he loves me.Another than thaT I would'nt want to hurt him anymore than he has hurt himself.
#1mom