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Hi.....I'm hanging in there. I agree with you about not telling everyone. I've been very selective in who I've shared it with. I shared it with my 2 closest girlfriends in our church and my H told their husbands. It has been a good support group for me at least. My H was a little put off when one of the H asked him aome tough questions and he couldn't give an answer so he kindof back away because he did like being put on the spot and being held accountable. My H has admitted that he was wrong but he still tries to blame me for things and say that my lack of meeting his EN which caused him to have the A. He just confuses me because he gives such mixed signals. He says he wants to work things out and he went and got tested but then he tells me that he tried calling her twice when I was helping my mom recover from surgury. He said he tried calling her because he was so upset that I told my dad. He says that he still has feelings for her. So I feel like he's not completely 100% here wanting to do what it takes to make things work. Then he'll tell me that he's been holding back from me because he doesn't know if I'll receive what he has to give or if I'll even be able to give myself to him because of what he's done. I've already shown him that I'm willing to give myself to him but I'm not willing to compete with the OW and when he gives such mixed signals I have a hard time giving to him because I know he's not all here with me.
I gave him a letter when I came back from NY and told him what I needed in order to start reconciling(getting tested, find a counselor, a godly man acountability partner..) and he has 2 weeks (because it will have been 8 weeks since he told me and NOTHING has changed or we will have to separate until he decides what he wants to do. What do you think? I'm trying very hard to be understanding but I don't want to be a doormat either. I haven't blown up at him, or called him names or even yelled or screamed at him. I haven't tried to make him feel bad about what he did. I've been supportive and loving but when he gives mixed signals I have to keep my guard up too.
Thanks for listening#1mom
Grace
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A couple of things I've noticed, Grace...
You've given your H ultimatums...this usually not a safe tact. He's pretty confused right now and may not make the decisions that would be best for him and your family. Read through the MB stuff again.
You also noted that he defends the OW. You must avoid educating him about the nature of the OW at this point. He identifies with her more than he does with you and WILL defend her. It will take him time to let her go. You're just punishing yourself by doing this.
Avoid creating sitiuations where he feels attacked. He'll feel forced to defend with whatever he can grasp...mostly by blaming you. If you avoid putting him on the defensive, you'll take the wind out of his sails.
I know your hurt...you both are. But you must make your marriage an attractive, safe place for him until he can get through withdrawal.
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Hi there,
I think you are right to give him two weeks to get his feelings straight.Maybe he will come to his sences.No matter what you did not deserve what happened to you. You should'nt let him bring up the past.Yeah you talk to someone on line. You realized what you were doing wrong and STOPPED.So don't let him upset you with that.Maybe he is not able to blame himself yet.
I guess i am sorta luckly my H took the blame from the begining.Even tho we both had a hard time with our feelings he knows he had no right doing what he did.I guess him knowing that i actully did love him played a part on it too.
He also did'nt develop feelings for this girl. If i did'nt catch it when i did who knows.Just remember your M can get better and be the best its ever been.Just don't give up.I told my H if i had to fight for him i would but i would not compete if he was'nt sure who he wanted to be with.I was worth more.But he always wanted me.sometimes i wonder if i should feel bad for him cause this OW told him all lies to get him to bed.But i don't i guess he woke up.
Has your H changed in anyway to were he is showing you he loves you and he is trying to get away from this OW.Maybe she keeps filling his head.
Now you said you forgave your H. I have not. I don't think i could until i know i can't bring up the past. I do ask alot of questions,but him getting into details puts him into panic attacks. It makes him sick to talk about the details.This is something i need to know.But before i forgive him i want to make sure im done asking questions. I know at times i will be sad but i hoping one day i'll be done asking so i couls forgive.
If you don't mind me asking how old R you. I know you have a girl any others.I have a boy 11 and a girl 7
Thank you for listening
#1mom
Me BW 31
Him FWH 30
Married 13yrs
D-day 12/04
NC right away
New job
Some set backs due to whole truth coming out over a few months.Other wise great first and only recovery.
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My reason for asking about OW's husbands knowledge is this:
If your husband is the one who told you he knows all about it, DON'T BELIEVE A WORD OF IT.
He's trying to protect her from exposure.
The only way for you to be sure he knows is to tell him yourself.
Then you will have another person watching over them to make sure contact has stopped.
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I've already shown him that I'm willing to give myself to him but I'm not willing to compete with the OW and when he gives such mixed signals I have a hard time giving to him because I know he's not all here with me. I know you won't like this, but if you want to restore your marriage, you HAVE to go through a period where you are "competing" with the OW, even if he's in NC. It's called withdrawal, and it won't last forever. You have to remind him that you are the better woman. You know you are, and he needs to see that. Show him your best so he's constantly reminded of what he almost lost. You have the home field advantage...use it! Low
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Hi I guess I'm torn.....how long does this withdrawl period last??? If I have to compete with the OW and he says he wants to stay with me then why isn't he doing what it takes to show me he wants to reconcile? I've been patient with him and trying very hard to understand. I feel like I'm a doormat by proving to him that I'm the better woman. Won't that be making it to easy for him. the only effort that he's made in 6 weeks was that he went and got tested and that was AFTER I gave him the letter. It was a very no threatening letter. I just needed him to understand that I can't live in limbo forever. I know it's been 6 weeks but if he's as sorry as he says he is and that he wants to work things out don't you think that he would've made some kind of effort without ME having to write him and tell him what I need. BY the way I have told him all of the things in the letter beforehand during our conversaitons after his confession but he still did nothing. He's just now starting to put forth some effort.
Grace,
I have a 5 year old son and a 7 year old daughter (#1 mom)
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Won't that be making it to easy for him. Actually, that's what you want to do. make it easy for him to come back. Make it easy for him to see what he has in you. No, you're not being a doormat. Neither are you to be his punisher. He is not a child. It might take a while before he's at a point where he's really ready to start working on your marriage. Six weeks is a very short time. Took me almost three months to start working on my marriage and another 15 months before I finally let the OW go (needed IC for OCD tendencies). This doesn't mean you can't be clear about your boundaries. He needs to know that continued contact hurts you and destroys your love for him. He needs to know that you have hope that things will be better and he can help fan the flames of that hope if he chooses. If he's normal, what he's done will eventually hit him lijke a ton of bricks...then he'll be ready. Can you hold on that long? That's all up to you. Low
Last edited by LowOrbit; 07/19/05 04:00 PM.
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Grace,
i quess i am lucky as soon as my H realized whatv he was doing it was over.I quess from what i read here so people are in this fog they think they want this OW but when it comes down to it your the one he loves. Give him time.Maybe do something special for him. Maybe buy him a card.Every little thing hes does make sure hes knows it makes you happy.Make sure hes knows you see him trying.You are not a doormat.Don't let anyone tell you that.remember you are not the one breaking up a family. If this other women was decent in any way she would see that he is trying to go back to his family and leave him alone.
#1mom
Me BW 31
Him FWH 30
Married 13yrs
D-day 12/04
NC right away
New job
Some set backs due to whole truth coming out over a few months.Other wise great first and only recovery.
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Won't it be making it easy on him by bending over backwards to show him that I'm the better one? I have been working on the areas that I've been lacking in and more but by him trying to contact her and still have feelings for her then I feel that I'm enabling that by not setting stricter boundaries. I read last night by Dr. Harley that he says that the BS shouldn't put up with the WS's actionsof the A at all. That the BS should separate until the WS totally separates from the OW and then the healing process can begin.
I understand about being forced to compete with the OW right now and I don't like it but accept it. Like I said before I'm comitted and willing to do what it takes but it has to go both ways. I love my H and I know he loves me but I need to know that he only loves me.
Thanks for your input.
Grace
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Grace..
lets just say that there is very little to nothing fair about being a betrayed spouse....
in some ways it can be very confining....and one may feel the whole weight of the world is upon the BS shoulders to fix this...but this is a temporary phase and never a fair place to be...there is a bigger picture that must be looked and kept within sight at all times...
the goal here is not winning your husband over the OP or anything or anyone else...the goal here is rebuilding and creating a new marriage in which the WS becomes so unreconizable as a person capable of being a WS and ..the BS also changes in to a person incapable of ever going back to being a BS....
the big picture is to build a relationship in which two people become true partners....
you can't shove values or anything else down anyones throat...
and though it is hard for BS to watch and understand how and why a WS isn't an instant remorseful lump of clay in the BS hands..the truth is they can't be...and that's the last thing you would really want...
affairs take a lot of mind bending energy to villify the BS to keep the WS from facing their own reality
and usually WS can't face their own reality of the real damage they have caused..because they might self destruct
infact my belief is too much pain and anger and hurt at one timet will cause the WS to
withdrawal...
and decide that the pain they caused is so insurmountable
and what they have done is so painful the best plan is for them to leave..
Plan A is a road map to traverse these times slowly...
and with calmness....
plan A is showing your husband your pain in a way that they have to acknowledge and feel it...without great demonstrative interactions that just deflect the real emotions....
plan A is setting boundaries that remove you from any line of fire that include the phrase you are controling me...or forcing me to choose...plan a is ALL about empowering boundaries for the BS that say loudly and clearly to the WS they can do whatever they darn well choose...but you now have plans for what is intolerable in your world..
and most importantly the part you are missing the most..is that plan A is all about HOPE...hope that people are valuable and can and do change..
hope that people can really see their actions and the pain they can cause and change
hope that this marriage can become worthy of both of you...
people here are telling you you aint' in plan A yet....
and that's OK if you choose divorce.....which is always your right..but if you are HERE...at marriage builders and IF you want to create a new marriage...
then spend some time understanding and meditating on plan A AND the bigger picture of what PLAN A really is...
ARK
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Thanks Ard for your input.....I really appreciate it. It is still very difficult for me sometimes. I definitely don't want a divorce. Sometimes it is so painful and my self esteem is so low now that it is hard for me to see the big picture. It is also hard for me to think that he even wants me anymore because he went somewhere else. I have A LOT of work to do but I'm willing.
Grace
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Grace,
I think what ark says makes alot of sence.When i have my H talk about what he has done it kills him. It sends him into his own panic attacks.But yet i still bring it up.Like i want to punish him. I'm not sure how not to bring up the past.I know all i need to know> i know it can't be changed.I know he wants to make me happy and how sorry he is.I wonder why this is not enough.Why him doing everything to make up for this is not enough.I love him with all my heart and soul.He says hes more in love with me than ever before.
Talk to your H about plan A. Print the section off and show it to him. My H knows of this web site but stays away. Sometimes people like to give negative feedback. He did read the info tho.He wishes i could stay away but its hard.Thats why i'm not on past five or on the weekends.
Sometimes i read great forums sometimes i read ones that make me cry.I wishing you luck when you tell him about plan A.keep updating.
#1mom
Me BW 31
Him FWH 30
Married 13yrs
D-day 12/04
NC right away
New job
Some set backs due to whole truth coming out over a few months.Other wise great first and only recovery.
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I agree with Ark too. It is extremely difficult. I dont' want to punish him. I think he's done enough of that on his own. I told my H about this site on Monday when he got home from work but he didn't want to visit it. I haven't been able to sleep very well and I've been getting up at least once a night. Usually I play solitaire to put me back to sleep but I came on the site to see if anyone responded. Well My H came down to see where I was and I was writing a response so I asked him if he wanted to read everything and he did. He seemed Ok but i asked him what he thought and he said brought up bad feelings about when I screwed up with the chat rooms. I told him that I was sorry and that I had no intentions on keeping anything from him. I also told him that I want to make "us" work and I want the kind of relationship where we can tell each other ANYTHING.....and work through things together. He agreed and said he wanted the same thing. He even mentioned a name of another WH that might be a good accountability partner. I am very hopful and was happy to know that he's been thinking about it. Yesterday was a good night together.
I'm hopful.
grace
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grace,
i'm glad you had a good night.hopefully many more will follow.he seems to becoming around.Hey just wondering what do you do? i stay at home,maybe babysit here or there.i am in the NE how about you?
#1mom
Me BW 31
Him FWH 30
Married 13yrs
D-day 12/04
NC right away
New job
Some set backs due to whole truth coming out over a few months.Other wise great first and only recovery.
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Posts: 30
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#1mom,
I stay at home too. I've worked as a waitress so I can stay at home. I have a degree in elem education and psychology and will probably start substitute teaching again when my youngest is in first grade. Right now the schools only have half day Kindergarten's. Do you mean you live in NE? I do too.
grace
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Grace, My H has the same degrees, hes wants to be an english teacher for high school.But here in NY you have to have your Masters degree to be a teacher. He does have his bachlors. He put off college to work on us. He went to school for nine years at night. I thought he would never stop.AS soon as his A came out He changed. He realized our M is more important right now.So where do you live.
#1mom
Me BW 31
Him FWH 30
Married 13yrs
D-day 12/04
NC right away
New job
Some set backs due to whole truth coming out over a few months.Other wise great first and only recovery.
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Posts: 30
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I live in CT. I have my BA too....but no masters. i could care less if I ever get it. I would be happy just subbing....that way I can stay home with the kids and work whenever I want to without the stress of a career. My H is an mechanical engineer. My H old company was closing so he was forced to find a new one. I'm so thankful that he's working an hour away but the commute isn't to bad for him. It was a definite blessing.
I'm glad that your husband realized that you were more important than a schooling. I'm from northern NY.
grace
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I'm glad he did'nt go back either.He only got his Bacholors degree in may of this yr. He was going to quit half way in because he needed to spend alot of time together,but i would'nt let him.Hes been working so hard.Now does your H come home every night. That must stink two hrs a day are just driving.Hey maybe someday you can bring him lunch with the kids.He would be surprised.Well i probally won't be on till tomorrow morning. Have to go cook dinner,and mtY H will be home soon.I'm in upstate ny
#1mom
Me BW 31
Him FWH 30
Married 13yrs
D-day 12/04
NC right away
New job
Some set backs due to whole truth coming out over a few months.Other wise great first and only recovery.
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