The kids and I have already gone down and met him for lunch. We got to see where he worksetc....it was really big, but impressive. That was good that you didn't let him quit. I'm sure he was torn about it though. What is your husband doing now for work?
Have you been able to share anything about the A with anyone near you? girlfriends, relatives?
When I say upstate Ny....I mean like Watertown area....realy upstate:)
grace

Lexxy...I'm sorry...you're not invisible. I"m sorry that I didn't send a reply earlier. I know what your saying about exposing her to her husband as well. After my H told me about the A I wanted to call her H. But I didn't. I don't know her last name etc.....I would need to o some research to get the info. Thanks for your input.
Today has been a better day....and I'm gratful for a moment of peace.

hello,
My H went back to the job he quit to take on this job were he met the other Women. He took on this other job so he could go to school.We thought it would make things better because he did'nt like were he was.He was always stressed.He went back to this job for us. By the way hes a collection supervisor for a bank.I'm not to far from watertown. I two minutes from Utica.I almost forgor. No we have not told anyone. My H is ashamed. I do ish sometimes we told our best friends,but we never did.I think it would be good he don't. He don't want them to see him differently.I think if they knew how much he has changed they woulnd'nt think he was a horrible person.He did he changed for the better.
#1mom

I'm sure he has changed for the better. But have YOu been able to tell someone that you're close to? Maybe someone that he knows but doesn't know well(like a close girlfriend) or maybe a pastor or something? I told my closest girlfriends and they have been a HUGE support for me!!! They have been really sweet and very understanding and non judgmental. They check in on me especially when they see me start to withdraw. I know that your H is embarassed(as he should be) but it might help you tremendously to have that extra support.
grace

Grace,
For the past nine yrs we have only really hung around one couple. They are are best friends. Are daughters are one five days apart.I really don't know to many people. My H works and went to school so he knows more people.He was also in a band.You think him being in a bad he would of done something,no he did'nt.My H was the type of person who was very conservetive always cared what people thought.I don't know what happened when he took on that ne job.I guess the work place was not a very good one. If i had to guess i would say nothing but inaproprite stuff was always going on.My H got dragged into something he could'nt control.Did'nt help this OW i guess broke up a M before this is how she met her H.I said to my H HELLO was'nt that a sigh she was bad news.
Let me tell you so of the things he has changed,He use to come home go right for the tv or the computer and eat dinner watching tv.Now he comes home kisses me and says can i help.Our downstairs is refinished so he turned it into a office/band room.He would come down here to sing and play hie guitar.This was a everyday thing for years. Now i can't even say he plays twice a month.He says he don't want to take time from us. He turnrd the down stairs into a family room.He was a good father but now hes a better dad.He helps me gocery shop when better he would go to the music section.He also has done so much more just to show me he wants our M to be better than ever.If you come here and write these things you get negative feedback sometimes. People tell you it is out of guilt.Well for him to give up MUSIC the way he has,Its not guilt.
I know he will make me happy,i just don't know how to let myself be happy.Hes changed so many things.
Thanks for listening to me ramble on.How was your night?Do you see things changing around you?NOw did your H workwith this OW? I forgot how they met. I for the life of me neber thought of moving since this happened i think about it at times.This OW does live 20 minutes away.How about you.
Are you from watertown do you ever come back?
Well i have to go start some cleaning and make sure the kids are'nt killing eachother.
Thanks for listenung#1mom

Hi #1mom,
Maybe you should think about getting involved with a hobby or group. Do you have a MOPS(mother's of preschoolers) in your area? It is a church affiliated program but it serves as a support group for mom's with young kids and it's a great way to meet other mom's in your area. You can look on the MOPS website to see if there is one near you. I know that during the first years of my marriage I wasn't involved in anything but my husband has a lot of hobbies. It was really hard for me because I was looking for him to make me completely happy and to fulfill ALL of my needs(which is immpossible) so little by little I started doing things for myself like going out shopping with a girlfriend (w/o the kids) or going out to dinner with friend. Most of my friends are ones that I've met through my church. It has been a huge blessing and then we decided to start a MOPS group to help other moms connect too and it has been great. I know that being a stay at home mom is a full time job but taking a little for yourself might help you get over this hump. I"m not saying you should fill up all of your time and you still need that quality time together too. Just give it some thought...it's just a suggestion.
Yeah there were definitely red flags that your H didn't see.
You said that : your H was dragged into something that he could'nt control. Just be careful that you don't make any excuses for him or his behavior. EVen if there was higly inappropriate behavior ....He still made a conscious choice to cross the line.
It does sound like he's made a great effort in trying to restore your relationship. That is great. Have you both been to counselling yet?
Last night was OK....nothing great and nothing bad either. He has shown a lot of effort since I've been back from NY. He was even talking about a guy that we know that has had an A and he and his wife has been through the recovery process so he's thinking about asking him to be his accountability partner so that he can have someone to talk to that's been where he is. So that was great news for me to hear. I copied the emotional quesitonaire so we can do it together so I'm hoping to do it tomorrow or sometime this weekend.

I just got back from NY a week ago. I was up there for 2 weeks helping my mom because she just had a mastectomy and reconstuctive surgury for breast cancer. She is healing well it has just been the toughest recovery out of all the surguries. But she's OK. I'll probably be up that way next month sometime because my sister will be visiting from England for awhile.(her H is in the Air Force)

Grace

Your right,i do need to get out there and meet new people.So come Sept maybe i will.Do'nt worry i will not make any excuses for my H besdes he won't let me take any blame for his mistake.He has his guard back up.Right now are M is better than ever.I only think it will get better.I just have to let it.Our problem before was not being able to open up.While he was starting this A i was trying to show himm in actions how much i loved him.He sais at the time he did'nt see it for what it was.Now looking back he don't see how he missed it.I even wrote letters and never gave them to him.I wish i did.He says if he can't change the past i can't.
My problem is i can relate things.Did i tell you the first time they had sex was on his B-day Yuck.She invited him over he got out of school early and went to her house.
Movies,songs,everything brings up memories.I relate everything.They did'nt have no feeling for eachother it was sex.My H says it was new it was exciting,now it makes him sick to even think of her.to hear her nane.We don't even watch the movie the ring because the actresses name is rachel.We get papers from his old work they make me sick.
Tell me what you think,this is my problem i love my H with all my heart and soul.I know he feels the same.I know how sorry he is.I watch him everyday make up for what he has done.I watched him turn into this terrific man.He will spend his life making me happy.With him taking so long to come out and tell me things it has hurt more than the act itself.This is because the things i want to believe i have a hard time doing.Hes says when he finished his semester of school in Dec which was around x-mas he was coming to his sences and was realizing what he was doing.He says he seen it coming to an end.Hes not sure if he would of told me.But he started realizing it was wrong.I want to believe that.He also says the last time they had sex was in Nov,I want to believe this but have a hard time doing so.Cause a few days before x-mas a group of co-workers got together sfter work for a few hrs.This was the only time he actully went out with co-workers.But he could of lied and was with her.I know it don't matter when the last time was.I just get so worried something else will come out.Well to tell you the truth i for some reason think the only thing that will mess this up is the OW being pregant.So i in my head try to fogure when i know its safe to go on with my life.If it was in Nov than after aug if it was in dec than after sept ican go on with bing happy.I know this sounds dumb.The OW H would of shoved this in my face by now.This is what i think isstopping me.Even me knowing the first time they used nothing and he did'nt you know in her,and everytime after that the four time they used protection.I don't know why i live like this.I also told my H i need to know what she looks like.But theres no way unless we run into her.I guess shes short heavey and has her ears pierced all the way up both ears.Not my H type at all.I"m short and skinny my H is a very small guy too.When did go to MC twice the lady actully workrd with my H and said i don't picture you with this person.This OW sure knows how to talk to a guy,you know to grt them to fall for her.I know looks are'nt everything.So am i crazy or what.
I did that questionare,i say it was helpful.You do learn new stuff and you will keep on learning.I hope he takes the time to read it with you.Try to do it when the kids are fast asleep.It stinks being summer the kids are up later.Thats good he will talk to someone who has gone thru this before.Maybe he will realize just thinking of this OW is not worth it.
#1mom

I can relate to everything you said about thinking about the physical part of it even though your H says that he doesn't love her. I know what the OW woman looks like and she's totally opposite of me. She's short, very skinny and vietnimese. I'm real tall, and thin. It has beenvery difficult because I can picture them togehter. They knew each other through work but they didn't work in the same dept. I think you can be pretty sure that the OW isn't preg. You would've heard by now. Did your H go get tested? I think the reason why it is so for both of us is that women relate sex with emotions and love and not just the act of sex itself. Even though it's easy to relate the A with thousands of different things ....you can't let the OW take your life......don't give her that satisfaction(even though she's not aware of it) make a choice to make new memories and start over.....I know that's way easier said than done and especially since I'm right in the beginning of it. I find that I can't let myself think about the A and the OW to much because I would fall apart....Maybe it's avoidance but that's what I have to do to stay strong right now otherwise I don't think I could function. I know I'm not in denial about the A but I can only take it in small doses. Plus...your H has shownand is showing you how much he loves you and is committed to you. He has been making drastic changes in areas that he has never changed. You have won....even though there is still hurt.....you have won. The OW didn't.
grace

Grace,
Yes before the whole sex thing came out he went and got tested pretty embarrassing tho.When we went away he called for results but they were'nt in.He is fine.I even had him get blood work for hiv.He had to go in for those and he was fine.You are right she is not pregnant because her H would of left and he would of brought down my M too.I am just soooo scared.How can everything be so perfect something has to mess it up.Thank you so much for listening.I know you are at the begining of all this.Just make sure you read only posative forums.I used to get upset reading some that wer'nt going so well.Or ones that ene up going downhill.
See all i do is think about th A.Now if my H was home i hardly do.He gives me so much attention.I do have triggeres around him.Most of the time there gone in minsothers by the time i'm done he starts with his.
Since this has happened have you two gone away by yourselfs.WE have it was our first time away together even before we got married.we never had a honeymoon.See we have been together since he was 14 and i was 15.Pretty long huh.We got married at 18 he was in the marines.So we never went away alone.We now see how much we need that.
We see we need much time together alone.Not that we don't love our kids.We just need time for us.I got luckie my sister moved to syracuse and we don't see our niece much si she is taking the kids for the weekend.I hope i don't ruin it with triggers.We already have plenty of new memories but i don't want to forget about the ohter ones.
You will be ready soon to sit down and hear evrything you need to hear.I think getting it all out at once is best.It hurt me the longer it took.But only you know what you can handle.Your right sex is sex too men.I think you have to love someone to sleep with them.But this OW was like a guy she seen a handsome man have some intrest in her ugly self and used it to her advantage.Lied said my H beats me my H chesta on me.He was there to listen to her problems and got sucker in.He will never do that again.
If you guys do have money and the time niagara falls is awsome
that we we went in Feb our first time away together.It was a blast.well the baby i'm watching is crying i have to puthim to sleep.
Thanks #1mom

WOW you both have been togerther a LONG time! That is great! That's good that everthing came back Ok with his tests. You shouldn't be scared. You said that your marriage is better than ever right now. Have faith. I know it's easier said than done but don't let fear get in between both of you....neither of you deserve to live like that. I think that it will take time . I know that is a cruel word right now but as you spend more and more time together and slowly the trust will be rebuilt between both of you. Each tim your H follows thru with something then trust is being restored. Everytime you start thinking of the A then [censored] think of something great your H has done for you lately and something great about your relationship. Put your focus on you and him. It will take awhile to become second nature but try it and each time will get easier and easier.
My H got his result yesterday and everything is fine too. Thank God! That is a huge weight off of my shoulders. We never had a honeymoon either. We haven't been away by ourselves either. I think that is a great idea. Our anniversary is in Sept. that would be a great thing to do.
I love Niagra Falls! Havent been there in years. Well I need to get the kids some breakfast. Talk soon.
grace

Grace,
Thats great his tests came back neg.Maybe that will wake him up for good.How long has it been since he talked to the OW.Are you two spending alot of time together.Does his A come up offen?
See last night was good,until i get started i only wanted to say one thing,and then i mess it up and big up the A full blown.I don't know why i do it. I try not to.I link everything to everything.This is something horrible i have to stop doing.I know what he did was wrong i know he knows it is wrong and he is sorry.How do i leave it at that.I know how he has changed how he is a better person even before this A.He helps fold clothes he would never before he even attempts with dishes.This guy hates going to the casino to play bingo which i love.We go at least once a month now.He does this for me.Actully i think he has grown to like it.If not he goes for me.
What is wrong with me he does everything i ask.everything i want he gives me.The one thing i can do for him is stop with the details,go on be happy.Build a life with him.Why can't i do this?
Do you think you would renew your vows?We talk about it here and there.I think it would be nice.We do see life in a whole new way.
I also said to him last night if i could just see this OW and know for sure she was'nt preg i think i would be fine.He says you would'nt be able to tell.(I'll gross)you know how that made me feel.Like i was degraded.The same for him.
I see you get on here alful early.I really don't come on till at least 9 and am off by 5.I won't be on over the weekend we will be kidless and i hope to god i have no triggers.I will concentrate just on us.
What are your plans for this weekend?Anything fun?How far are you from NY?
I hope you get to do that questionare this weekend.Hey maybe you can put the kids down early and try to get it done so you can spend the reat of the night talking maybe cuddling.
talk to you later#1mom

Grace,
Have'nt heard from you. Hope everything is okay.
#1mom

Grace,
I'm hoping you have'nt given up on this website.Is everything okay?
#1mom