I've been with my husband for 4 years now, and we haven't been married a year yet. In November, we bought a condo and moved in. We became fast friends with our neighbor, my husband more than I. My husband took a job that requires him to go out of town for a month at a time. In this time, I became even better friends with my neighbor (Ill call him John). We discovered that we had TONS in common and we are more compatible than we ever thought. My husband would call and know that I was out with John, but he didn't care - mostly because I have been friends with guys my entire life and he trusted me completely. Well, one night, I was out with John and his friends, all who knew I was married, and John and I professed our feelings toward each other. We both admitted to having felt "something" both sexually and emotionally toward each other but didn't know what to do about it. I was overwhelmed with guilt because I am married and this is completely out of my nature. That night, we were both pretty drunk and ended up engaging in "heavy petting" but no sex because I stopped him. John went out of town for a week, which gave me some time to think. I was still torn with guilt and didn't know what to do. My husband came home shortly after that, and things were very different with me. He left for a week to visit family, which left me alone with John. John and I had sex the entire week he was gone, and it was the best sex of my life. I felt something I haven't felt in a long time. I never considered myself capable of cheating on my husband, mostly because I have a high respect for the institute of marriage. Well, now, I'm trying to re-evaluate my relationship with my husband and trying to recapture the feeling I once had for him. I put on a smile, pretend that sex is great with him, and basically fake all of my feelings just so he won't suspect anything is different with us. But, when I'm around John, I light up. John is 17 years older than I, but I feel like I've known him my entire life. I told John the other day that I was in love with him. I can't help my feelings. I know what I should do. I should stay away from John and end this affair because it can only do further damage to my marriage. What if my husband is a stepping stone and I'm supposed to be with John? You all probably look at me as the typical cheater - selfish, untrusting, deceptive. I am not though. I once loved my husband with everything in the world and now that feeling has left me. I didn't ask to fall in love with another man. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

That feeling has left you because you've been investing all of your emotions into John, not your husband.

Here's how you verify what I've said....

COMPLETELY end contact with John for 3 months...no emails, calls, NOTHING. After all, if it's 'true love', three months means nothing, right? You'll still feel the same way for him, still be 'in love', etc...

Take a look at how you're feeling after 3 months of NC with John, and putting REAL effort into your marriage. If at the end of that time (and you have NOT had ANY kind of contact with John...the three months resets even if you just 'see' him...) you still feel the same way, then start the proceedings for divorce.

Remember you only get out of your relationships what you put into them...and when you stopped working on your marriage, you started getting less back from it.

Take a look at what happened in my case over on the Recovery board...and my wife is VERY happy she didn't leave me for OM!!

Oh...and one of the 'classic' things about an affair...EVERY WS (wayward spouse) feels that their situation is 'different'...but it's not.

Jaded,

Glad you're here. I have to run to a meeting right now, but I'll write more when I have a chance. Read my sig line. Like you, I was just there. Stick around for some great advice and support. Most importantly, know that there is hope. In time, you will find happiness, love AND peace of mind ... if you choose to.

I'll write more later. Again, so glad you're here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hello,

I think you need to be totally honest with your husband. You have only been married less than a year. You have also been putting your husband at risk for STD's. The very very least you owe your husband is to tell him the truth so he can decide how he wishes to live his life. I hope you showed enough respect to not have engaged in the affair in your home. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect your husband to be honest with you. By not telling your husband, you are continuing to totally humiliate and disrespect your husband. Nobody deserves this type of humiliation. Your husband deserves to know all of the facts. How sad that you did not have the decency to discuss this attraction to your husband and just left out in the cold to be betrayed in the worst way.

Hi Jaded,

Again, welcome to MB! I'm so glad you came here!! Note that I, too, was involved in a friendship that turned into an emotional affair that quickly escalated to a physical affair. With the help and guidance of my family, my friends, my IC/MC and the great folks on MB, I was able to get past all the depression, anxiety, guilt and self-loathing and am starting to live a normal (much happier) life again with my wonderful H, who I can tell you without reservation, that I ABSOLUTELY LOVE!

So, first things first, know that there is hope. The love you once had for your H CAN and WILL come back - if you want it to. It won't be easy, but it certainly can happen. We've seen this time and again, so keep posting!!! Again, I'm living proof!

Jaded, those who’ve been around MB know that I've written every word of your entire post again and again over the past year and a half. I know how you feel and where you're coming from. If you read my sig line, you'll see that it wasn't too long ago for me, so the memories are fresh and still painful. Painful because I know I hurt the one that I care about most and that things will never be the same again. I’ve shattered our innocence and trust and will have to live with that for the rest of my life. But, we can and are recovering and are happier than we’ve been in over 7 years!

"What if my husband is a stepping stone and I'm supposed to be with John?"

>Did you feel that way when you were dating your H? You even said it yourself “and trying to recapture the feeling I once had for him.” So there must’ve been something pretty special there at one point. I've come to learn that there is no such thing as a "soulmate." Meaning, I firmly believe that I could be happily married to more than 1 person ... so long as I (and my spouse) are willing to put forth the effort to make it good and happy. The latter is the key.

I think we'd all agree that if we're attracted to a person and have some things in common, we could have a great time dating that individual. But, the reality is there are very few with whom we can live the rest of our lives. What you're feeling right now is the ecstasy and excitement of dating someone new and exciting. Now, given the nature of an affair (secretive, mysterious, forbidden), you can multiply that that excitement by a factor of 10, and BOOM! You feel like nothing you've ever felt before. The one thing that will help you get over your A is for you to quickly discern the difference between fantasy versus reality.

Fantasy is this “high” that you’re experiencing. There are no strings attached … no bills, no responsibilities, no business trips, no doctor’s visits, no nagging in-laws, no errands to run, no financial difficulties … just fun & games, right? Sounds a little like dating, doesn’t it? And, since there is no history and it’s socially “forbidden,” to the rest of the world the relationship really doesn’t exist, so there are no psychological, physical nor emotional baggage you have to carry. No wonder the sex is so amazing.

Then, there’s reality – all that garbage I just mentioned and then some. (You know what they are.) Not to mention the differences in values, beliefs, weird behaviors and annoying habits … down to the fact that you may have significantly different ideas of roles & responsibilities and taste in home furnishing and décor. In time, every one of these things will torment you and make you think about your H, trust me. Like I said, I’ve been there. This is also when you start asking yourself: Is this the person I would be willing to sit at the hospital for months if he fell ill with cancer ... and he for me? Is this the person who I want to be the father of my children? Is this the person I can picture growing old with? And, even if the answer to the above questions are all yes’s, the bigger questions (IMHO) to ask yourself is – Can I live with myself knowing I left my H for this man? Will I resent this man later if I chose him over my husband? And, will I regret not giving my M my all for the rest of my life?

"You all probably look at me as the typical cheater - selfish, untrusting, deceptive."

>Who am we to judge? We've all made mistakes in our lives. It's what we do afterwards that matters. Note: this is not about my opinions of your character. It’s about your future and your happiness - both will depend on this 1 decision you make, so give it its due thought process!!! As the saying goes … don’t make a decision you’ll regret later. You have that option now. Don’t let it pass you by.

Keep posting, Jaded. You’ll find the answers and help you need here.

You're so right, and all of this I know somehow - it's just so damn hard to execute! I've been re-evaluating my relationship with my H, and for some reason, I can't recapture the old feeling that I once had for him. I don't think it's because I'm focusing all of my emotional energy on John. I'm trying not to even think about him. I think sometimes that I got married too young and didn't get a chance to experience what is really out there. "John" is a wonderful man, and even he says that I've "made my choice, and that's ok." That doesn't seem to stop us any from getting physical. UGH....
My H has noticed a difference in me, and I attribute it to my job. He says taht I've become irritable when I'm never irritable, that I'm not as affectionate, etc. I'm TRYING...I really do want my marriage to work, and I CERTAINLY do NOT want to hurt my H. I told him I was attracted to John, but that doesn't stop my H from wanting to hang out with him. I thought that would be a sign to say "stay away." My H is defensive around John though...and that causes some tension too. It doesn't help that John is our damn neighbor so we see him ALL of the time. I've even considered moving, but our property is worth a lot now and would be foolish to move. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement. I know this is a common problem that seems so uncommon to me. I think every situation of a WS is different, but most people say that they're the same. This is the hardest thing I've had to do. Hopefully, it'll be worth the heartache in the end.

Jaded, the first thing you should do is tell your H. He has a right to know the truth so he can protect himself from you and decide if he wants to stay married to you. It is beyond cruel to allow him to go around the OM not knowing that he is rutting with his own W. What a cruel, hateful, mean joke.

So please tell your H NOW so he can make an informed decision about his own life. This is information about his life to which he has a RIGHT. He may choose to not stay married to someone who lies to him and cheats on him. That it should HIS CHOICE as an adult. Do the right thing and tell him now.

Jaded, you ARE the very typical cheater who engages in lying, cheating and deception and then uses her "feelings" to justify hateful, despicable behavior. Trust me, we hear these same rationalizations on here every day. You are no different.

Jade, welcome to MB although I’m sorry you need to be here. You have find a great place for help, support and advice! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Please listen to the people who have posted to you so far, they know what they're talking about! Don’t just listen to the advice, but also put the advice into pracise. You CAN do this!

In addition to the help & advice you will further receive, also read the following threads. You will find it very helpful (just click on the links):

PATs Quickstart Guide for Wayward Spouses

Tools for the Wayward Spouse

Atruheart’s letter to WS’s everywhere

Let me see if I get this right. Not only are you having sex with your next door neighbor behind your husband's back after a year in the marriage; but you refuse to tell him and allow him to hang out with John thinking he is his friend. What a horrible double betrayal. For Gods sake tell your husband the truth so he can at least fight for the marriage if he chooses and stop humiliating himself thinking John is his friend. I think what you are doing to your husband by not telling him the truth that his neighbor and his friend is having sex with his wife is unbelievably cruel and heartless. Is this who you want to be? How can you do this to the man that just married you? Your comment you cannot help being physical with John is sad. You sound like a typical cakewoman. Try a new concept in your life like honesty and respect toward your husband by telling him the truth. I bet you could never imagine your husband doing this to you because he has too much love and respect for you. It is sad that you do not have this for your husband.

Bryan,

Don’t you think the fact that Jaded feels guilty & shameful about her A and the fact that she seeks help here on a marriage building website is step in the right direction and shows that there is HOPE for her and her situation?

Suzet

I would say it all sounds very typical until you get to the

"What if my husband is a stepping stone and I'm supposed to be with John?"

So what happens when your illusions of John is the perfect man for me wear off. Meet another person you are attracted too. Is John now the "stepping stone".

Good Luck, and tell your H the truth.

Jaded..I encourage you to look past some of the bitterness that some folks are exhibiting. I understand their bitterness but with time it may fade for them. For some it may not.

One thing that appears difficult for someone in your position to do is to look at things objectively. Perhaps through your husband's eyes. You think you know what his pain will be? Do you know how he will react? Do you think you he understands how you came to do what you're doing?

I'm going to give you my answers. My XW had no idea how much pain it woudl cause me. She thought I did not care. She thought I did not love her. She thought it did not matter. She also thought I would kill her for betraying me.

Do I understand why she was in that vulnerable position? Yes, so was I. I made different choices.

So..I encourage you to learn here. Every Betrayed Spouse here has heard some form of justification for their spouses affair and yours only triggers anger, resentment, and pain from all of them you're posting. What I will tell you is that you're not unigue and that's why there are many here who can help you. If your intent is to "do the right thing"...then just do it. And come here for guidance and support....

Once again, i appreciate KIND WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT rather than bitterness, anger and a "you're no different" attitude. I'm not looking for a cookie cutter answer to my problems but I hope that talking through them helps me and perhaps someone in the same situation. i didn't think MB was only for betrayed spouses, which is why I decided to post my situation. I do respect my husband, which is why this is so hard for me. I also do love my husband, but my feelings are so conflicting and twisted that it's hard to get a hold of what is the truth right now. I want to run away from all of this - I want it to NOT have happened for the most part. Now, all of you will say, "you're the typical cheater - think your situation is different, are in love with the 'idea' of someone new rather than the reality, etc." Let me say this - I have NEVER looked around since I've been with my H - that's been more than 4 years. I never looked at other men and said, "man, I'd love to have a piece of that." or "I wish I was single so we could try it out." My husband was always enough for me. We don't fight, argue, or any of the typical bad reasons why I would go off and find another man. But, the chemistry that we once had has fizzled through the years. I believe sometiems that i married out of convinience - that it was the next logical step and I married relatively young - 23. We met in college and he pretty much waited on me to decided where I wanted to work and things like that. Now, I'm rambling. My relationship with my neighbor started as an "innocent" attraction. We both were attracted to each other, but he would be the first to say that he stays far away from married women. I've been friends with men my whole life, and I never carried it any further than that. I thought this would be no different and the feelings I was having for him could be controlled. It only took a few drinks and a conversation about it for it to get out of control. I felt guilty in the morning, but by then, it was an addiction. I was falling for him, and I didn't know what to do about it. I know him pretty well. I know that he has faults, that being together with him wouldn't be a bowl of cherries like it starts out as, etc. But, I know that we're very compatible and connect on a level that I've only had with a few people, my husband NOT being one of them. I'm sorry to say that, and I'm tryign to rationalize my behavior, but I'm certainly not CONDONING what I've done; so before you put the big red A on my shirt and cast judgement on me, take that into consideration.
One thing I know though is that I will NOT tell my husband. Not yet, if ever. It's only been a week since all of this happened, and I'm certainly not ready to face the music. Perhaps I'm not ready to lose him....
This relationship with my neighbor is not a fantasy for me. If anything, it's a chore...a freeking mental chore. I hate it with everything, but I can't stay away...

Jaded,

I encourage you to tell your husband about the A with "John" because eventually your husband WILL find out and you may NOT get a second chance. There is no guarantee that you marriage will survive or recover once you yourself tell your husband, but it is the honorable thing to do.

Now, you say that this thing with "John" is so great. I believe it. He's probably telling you all the things that you want to hear, he's telling you how beautiful and great you are, the sex is unbelieveable. Sounds like paradise, but is there such thing???

Is "John" really such a great guy if he is able to have sex with his neighbor wife's behind while all along pretending to be your husband's friend? What does that say about "John"s character and the type of person he is? Is this the kind of guy that you could see yourself happily married to, have children with, share a home, mortgage and bills? Would "John" be the kind of guy that would be by yourself if you were struck with some terrible illness or accident?

The type of relationship that you are having with "John" right now is easy, butterflies in your stomach, no committments, no obligations, just fun, sex and talk. Is this the kind of life you are striving for? I'm not sure how old you are, but you mentioned that you got married very young and you may not have many experiences with other men. You also said that "John" was 17 years older than you are, so he probably has a lot more experience and he probably knows exactly how to talk to a young woman and the kind of things that she likes to hear. More than likely, he has done such a thing before and you may not be his last conquest either. He may not even look for a committment and he may not even think of YOU as the "one, he's supposed to be with". You may be just a stepping stone for him, one more in his book of "easy conquests".

You should keep all of those things in mind before you make up your mind.

Sorry folks, but there is nothing "bitter" about pointing out the truth. There is something SICK about helping her hide from it. The truth is that the cruelty of Jaded's actions cannot be overlooked. Calling someone "bitter" does not erase the fact that this man is an innocent victim who has every right to know that his W is not to be trusted so he can take steps to protect himself against her.

To not tell him is cruel and manipulative beyond belief. It is to keep him in a marriage based on a lie. He is being denied the right to make choices about his own life and that should be HIS right. There is absolutely no valid reason to not tell this man the truth.

But no, Jaded, you are not different from any cheating spouse that comes on this forum and we will not help you in deluding yourself that you are. You do exactly the same things, use the same sick rationalizations, and anyone who tells you otherwise is not "supporting" you, they are blowing smoke up your [censored] and are not your friends.

Now, if you want "support" in doing the right thing, you have come to the right place. We will help you do that. But you will not get support in continuing your betrayal of your H or lying to yourself.

Sure, there are a few who will tell you what you want to hear, because they want to be liked and won't rock the boat. But they don't give a damn what happens to you. Others, like me, will tell you the truth, because I care very much when I see a person engaged in such destructive, cruel behavior.

Jaded, let me ask you something. You say you are afraid to "lose" him which tells me that you suspect he might leave if he knew. That means you are keeping him the marriage based on a lie. Do you believe you should have the power to keep him a marriage based on a lie? Should he not be the one who makes that decision for himself? Or do you view him as pet, like a dog, where the master makes all the decisions for puppy? Is he a human or a pet?

Jaded-

Once again...look at the advice I've given you.

And btw, I think that what everyone else has said does remain true...that what you're going through DOES fit the 'script' that many of us have seen from one perspective or another. That's not condemning you...it's simply noting that what you're going through now is not unique...nor does it truly require a 'unique' solution.

The reasons everyone has recommended that you tell your husband are actually based on the premise of trying to SAVE your marriage. Trust me...it's easier for him to deal with if YOU confess and be honest...it will reduce his doubts later if the two of you DO decide to reconcile.

And part of the process for reconciliation HAS to be no contact with the other man. And it's very true that what you're going throug IS an addiction...which is why you keep it up, even though you 'hate it with everything'. It's NOT love, it's NOT unique...it's a chemical reaction in your brain. And if you follow my advice about no contact for 3 months, you'll SEE that for yourself. I know for a fact...because I saw it in my wife's case...and I've seen it in numerous friend's situations as well.

Don't take my words as an attack...they're not. They're intended to help you work out a solution to your problem.

Jaded,

Maybe your are NOT the typical cheater, and if you REALLY feel that your marriage to your husband is more one of a convenience then you should let him go. It will be hard for him and probably for you, too, but you would set him free. He deserves to find someone that loves him and wants to be with him. He does not deserve to be cheated on and lied to and he does not deserve a wife who married him out of convenience or because it was the next logical step to do. He'll be hurt, but he'll get over it and he will be able to move on to a much healthier relationship with someone else.

Letting him go, does not make you a bad person. It will be a "lesson learned" in life.

Great Post Melody,

Again if the roles were reversed would you expect your husband to hide the truth from you that he has been having sex with the next door neighbor and putting your health at risk? Would you expect your husband to keep the truth from you and let you continue to be friends with and hang out with the OW? Would you expect your husband to keep the truth from you saying he has no intention of telling you the truth and does not wish to face the music? I do not mean to be harsh but surely you must realize how totally disrespectful and demeaning you actions are from telling him the truth to your husband.
I may be wrong but is one of the reasons you do not tell him the truth is because you would actually be forced to make a decision and you would probably forever cut your ties to the OM? Surely all of the things your husband has provided to you throughout the years should allow him the respect to know the truth so he could decide what he wishes to do in his life also. By not telling him the truth and allowing him to think of your OM as his friend to hang out with shows that what you really care about is only about you. A husband that has dedicated his life to making you happy surely deserves at the very least the truth? How can you not see this? I wish you luck because you will need it.